Sequel Baiting #7 - Crank vs Crank: High Voltage

So, time to talk about the highest age-rated movies I’ve ever covered. You remember Jason Statham? He played the extreme character in SPY? He’s also in the Fast and Furious franchise for bit and we’ll be getting to that soon. But this is the movie where he takes the spotlight. And its hardcore action with softcore pornography… Better send the kids to bed before reading this one, folks. In fact, here’s a pre-requisite trigger warning

This review will discuss rape. If this makes you uncomfortable, click away from this review

Interestingly, these movies were distributed by 2 different studios, the first was handled by Universal, the second by Lionsgate, who had a hand in the production of the first, the first made a small profit, making $42m on a $12m budget, but the second was less successful, $34m on a $20m budget. But which is the better movie, I’m gonna judge it over 6 categories, as per usual, there’s a bonus point where one significantly outshines the other

Main Characters

Both eventually essentially have Statham’s character as the lead, what else?

His name is Chev Chelios because the screenwriters were high when they came up with this plot. He’s mob killer (don’t you just love him already) although at one point during the first movie, when they realise you need to like for some reason, he reveals he was about to get out of the killing business to live a life with his wife. He spends most of both movies committing many violent felonies, including murder, theft, vehicle hijacking, causing a public menace, assault, threatening innocent people, destruction of property, stealing from hospitals (wasn’t just Patch Adams) and generally being a douchebag to everyone around him. In the sequel, adding to his list of crimes is assaulting police officers and stealing from an ambulance. The second movie also has a weird chat show segment dedicated to Chev being an asshole even as a kid.

This guy is just not a likeable protagonist, but it’s worth mentioning in both movies his situation’s pretty desperate, and the guys he’s up against are usually much worse. I personally found his situation in the first more endearing, for reasons I’ll explain in more detail when I come to the story. That combined with the aforementioned ‘he was about to quit’ lines mean the point goes to the first movie.

Crank: 1

Crank: High Voltage: 0

Supporting Characters

The first movie has 3 recurring characters, 2 of whom return in the second movie. There’s Doc Miles, a mob doctor who’s sort of there for medical exposition. He’s a bit of a creep but that’s pretty much the same for every male character in the movie (Chev somewhat excepted), he does have a bit more of a role in the second one, where he uses his resources to track down and capture one of the villains to aid Chev, although why he’s aiding Chev is a little unclear.

Also we have Eve London, she’s Chev’s girlfriend in the first movie and is always there to have sex with him in public, more on that later (sorry) and give him blowjobs in private. She initially doesn’t know about Chev being a mob killer but when she does she’s totally into it. They do give her a bit more to do in the second movie, with another boyfriend who’s controlling and thinks Chev is a menace, largely because he is.

The first movie has a character called Kaylo, he’s a transvestite, although that’s barely even referenced and he’s rather inept physically and serves as the resident redshirt, yeah he dies at about the half way point. His brother, Venus, is in the second movie, played by the same actor. He wants to avenge his brother, which Chev uses to his advantage, aside from something I’ll cover later, he does have some uses in the final third of the movie.

Also in the second movie is a Ria, she’s a stripper who clings onto Chev after he saves her life, she’s just as annoying as that premise sounds but she does provide some info that moves the plot forward. Because the supporting characters get a bigger role, I think I have to give the point to Crank 2

Crank: 1

Crank: High Voltage: 1

Villains

Each of the Crank movies have 2 main villains. The main villain in Crank is one Ricky Verona and as I guess I’m supposed to, I hate his whiny guts. He’s also rather stupid, having a perfect opportunity to kill Chev and deciding to use a slow acting and untested Chinese poison. OK, I know he didn’t expect him to survive, but he said in his stupid video that explains his entire premise, yes, he makes one of those, that he’d have about an hour, long enough to kill his way through half your little squad, including your brother, who I don’t count as a main villain. Also, there’s Carlito, the mob boss who Chev served but in true cliché style, has betrayed him because of complicated bullsh*t and approved Verona’s plan. He’s also out to kill Chev as his antics have become embarrassing. The actor they got for him, Carlos Sanz, is quite charismatic and puts in a good performance.

The villains in Crank 2 only interact on a superficial level, they have different agendas and they don’t generally cross each other’s paths. One is the group Chev is pursuing, lead by Johnny Vang (and yeah, I can see the penis joke too) he’s a coward and not that physically strong, at least until the climax of the second act, which I’ll get to. The other is supposedly a surprise villain, since he isn’t revealed until the final act, he’s the one who’s chasing Chev, they call him El Huron but what’s important is he’s another Verona brother and seeks vengeance on Chev, fair enough but he isn’t in the movie long enough to get any more depth. It’s a close call, but I’m gonna give it to the second one.

Crank: 1

Crank: High Voltage : 2

Action

I know this isn’t entirely relevant, but I don’t have anywhere else to put but this movie has some odd editing quirks, the google street view, the words that come out to explain things, it’s inconsistent and often jarring is what I’m saying. The action in both movies have similar problems, the Jason bourne syndrome of cutting every 3 seconds and the need to cut to boobs or buts every 5 seconds. That said the latter problem is far more prevalent in the first movie, that and climax of the second in terms of staging is basically the same as the first one, but… I have to mention the fight against Vang in the second one. Because of the plot, it’s at a power station and Chev has absorbed a load of electricity has gone all Cole MacGrath, cut to a model city on a sound stage where suddenly the fighters are fighting like it’s a f*cking Godzilla movie. This is so bizarre it’s actually kinda hilarious. But none the less, point to the first movie

Crank: 2

Crank: High Voltage: 2

Story

The Plot of Crank goeth thusly – Chev is injected with some ‘chinese sh*t’ and needs a constant supply of adrenaline to stay alive, to attain the rush he needs he engages in fights, takes drugs, steals from hospitals, gets chased by the police, drinks a f*ckton of energy drinks, drives like a maniac, listens to loud music and who can forget he rapes his girlfriend in public. Yes, I know she enjoys it, but she said no at the time, so it’s rape. All whilst engaging in an ever-violent quest for vengeance. OK, the premise is pretty ridiculous but it’s simple enough to understand and plays in a grounded manner. Sure, I’m never going to like the rape scene but at the very least it’s treated as a last resort life or death moment and he’s not just doing it for pleasure. There’s some backstory about what’s going on but we’re not given that before we’re thrust into this premise, so I’m not gonna spoil it here.

Crank 2 employs a similar concept. Somehow Chev managed to overcome the Chinese sh*t entirely, yeah… that’s a thing that would happen, and now his heart’s been replaced by an artificial one, his battery pack is soon destroyed and the internal battery will only last an hour. Because movie needs to happen any electric shock will charge the heart so Chev will maintain his power by sticking his fingers into electric sockets, zapping himself with a taser, taking a shock collar and zapping himself with it, getting zapped by a taser, breaking into a power plant and brushing against old women. I know what you’re thinking, will he have sex in public with his girlfriend in public again? OF COURSE, HE WILL! The grounded feel of the first one is almost completely lost with this one, the ridiculous elements are a little too much, with the aforementioned Godzilla fight and the floating head in the tank, yes, there’s a floating head in a tank in this movie.

I honestly vastly prefer the first one, although I can see Crank 2 being liked in a ‘so bad it’s good’ kinda way, Bonus point to Crank

Crank: 4

Crank: High Voltage: 2

Comedy

Crank is marketed as a black comedy so… is it funny?

Occasionally is my answer, both have the occasional jokes that work, riding off the inherently ridiculous premise, Chev has a couple of conversations with Verona, the Doctor can be occasionally amusing, Eve has a couple of jokes that work, and there are a few sight gags that are good. But with Black Comedy, the realm of bad taste isn’t off limits. With the first one, there’s an Al Qaeda joke that… no… just no… But the second one irks me for a particular character. Venus has Tourette syndrome and sometimes spasms and EVERY F*CKING TIME IT’S PLAYED FOR COMEDIC EFFECT! I do not approve of mocking people with Tourette Syndrome and I never found it funny. They don’t address the issue or give it any meaning beyond “haha, look at the guy with Tourettes, isn’t it funny!” No, it’s not funny! And that sells it for me, despite the utter insanity of the last third of Crank 2, I can’t forgive this and the point goes to the original.

Crank: 5

Crank: High Voltage: 2

Conclusion

Let me be clear about something. I like Jason Statham, but I don’t like either of these movies, they’re short so they’re not the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but they’re definitely not up my alley. That said a more grounded and interesting story, that doesn’t mock people with Tourette Syndrome give the victory to the original Crank movie. Back to reviewing kids' sh*t, what’s next in my review pile?

Blade? Incidentally also rated 18… Next week folks