#75 Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Note: This review was written and scheduled prior to JK Rowling endorsing transphobia on twitter. I think this is pretty scummy but this is a negative review of her work anyway so... This was written prior to revelations that the allegations against Johnny Depp were revealed to be falsified, whilst I only barely touch upon the subject, it seems they made the correct decision keeping him on. 

I love the Harry Potter films and I was pleasantly surprised by the first Fantastic Beasts film. The same cannot be said for its sequel

It was difficult to remain excited with as the build-up came around. The accusations around Johnny Depp and their defence of him, even giving him a much larger role this time around, the uncomfortableness around their decisions with Nagini (more on that later). With the inclusion of Dumbledore this time around, hearing that his sexuality wouldn’t be addressed was kinda disappointing too. (We will get to specifics in the review portion)

JK Rowling is writing the script, like she did with the first one, JK is a talented writer, the 7 Harry Potter Books are some of the best stories I've ever read, but there are differences between writing a book and a film, and I suspect JK Rowling’s talents are more in the book department. After the success of the first Fantastic Beasts, it was announced this would be a 5-movie series, this is important for a lot of reasons we’ll get into.

The end result is the worst ranked Harry Potter movie to date with a 37% Rotten Tomatoes Rating (avg 5.8/10) and a 55% audience score (3.32/5) and that shows with their box office, whilst it didn’t flop, making $653m on its $200m budget, that pales in comparison to the $814m its predecessor made and led to the studio upping the turnaround times from 2 to 3 years. So, what happened? Let’s take a look.

We open in 1927 and the American Ministry of Magic and already there’s something that needs addressing. Grindelwald, the antagonist of this movie isn’t due to be defeated until 1945. Somehow the 3 movies that follow will have to cover a gap of nearly 20 years. This is a ridiculous amount of time; in my opinion it would’ve been better if he’d stayed locked up or become relegated to more of a background player for the time being.

He’s in a dark cell surrounded by a shield that kills flies generated by a lizard. He’s been extradited to Europe to pay for his crimes there, much to the President’s chargin’. They brought her back for a 5 minute cameo. In a more extended role is Abernathy

No, not that one, you know… That guy, he flirted with Queenie a bit in the last film when she was trying to smuggle out the rest of the gang, you know him? How have you forgotten him, he was such a memorable… Who was he again? Apparently, they removed his tongue because he was talking too much… Oh come on, you’re all thinking it!

He’s dragged through the prison of very inadequate looking security right into the dark and stormy weather of New York. Yes, there’s a prison filled with magical criminals right under one of the most populous states in the world, in 1927. I don’t care what magic is used to protect it, this has ‘powder keg’ written all over it.

Abernathy gives all of Grindelwald’s possessions over to his new jailer, they depart by thestral drawn carriage. With 2 guards on the outside, and several people riding behind on brooms. I do remind you that this is New York City, the city that never f*cking sleeps. Abernathy watches them leave, and draws what looks to be the Elder wand, he apparates aboard the moving carriage, let’s just assume he’s powerful and clever enough to do that.

It’s revealed here that Abernathy and Grindelwald have switched places, how they managed to do that with the magic-forcefield lizard isn’t explained, and I guess it’s transfiguration over Polyjuice Potion this time around, at least there’s no worry about the voice. Grindelwald turns the reins on the thestrals into snakes which attack the drivers. He didn't just kill them because...

The wands of the guards inside the carriages levitate themselves and point at their owner’s throats before burning out. Abernathy uses his moment to attack with the help of a creature that was actually in the wand box, as Grindelwald drives the carriage in an attempt to lose the fliers, they’re at low altitude further increasing the odds of them being seen, the carriage is filled with water, then they head to a higher altitude as Grindelwald summons lightning to dispatch the fliers. Perhaps guards with the ability to use their wands might’ve been helpful. If they can use their wands, WHY DIDN’T THEY?! 

Grindelwald then opens the carriage, flushing out two of the 3 inner guards, leaving Abernathy and the lead guard. He throws the creature out the window, just to show he’s evil, regrows Abernathy’s tongue and sends the final guy out the window, with him only barely managing to stop himself from falling to his death. I mean, I assume the others didn’t manage to do this, we don’t see them again.

We cut to London, at the Ministry for Magic, 3 months later as Newt Scamander and his pet Browtruckle Pickett are waiting. We bump into Leta Lestrange, who you might remember from the last movie is the reason Newt was kicked out of Hogwarts. Her first lines are delivered in close up and it looks really strange (pun not intended). She’s now with Newt’s brother Theseus, who has convinced her to join the ministry. Don’t worry, we only have, like, several dozen more characters to go.

Cleaning robot for no reason. We literally see a house elf cleaning in the next shot, wtf. Newt has a somewhat strange relationship with his brother, partly because of their relationship to Leta and partly because they’re so profoundly different in their philosophies, as is quickly demonstrated when they enter a hearing of sorts. He’s been banned from travelling because of the events of the last film, but the ministry officials are willing to let him travel if he agrees to join them in the fight against Grindelwald. Newt refuses and we get some exposition

Apparently Credence is the key to Grindelwald’s victory, yeah… We saw part of Credence escape in the last movie and he apparently fled to Europe because… Newt asks if they want him dead and an Auror named Gunnar Grimson just steps out from behind a pillar because he’s the kind of dick who loves to be dramatic. He’s willing to take on the job if Newt refuses, which he does, partly in protest of Grimson being involved at all, I think. Theseus tries to sway him but it’s no good, so he just warns Newt he’s being watched.

Cut to Paris as Grindelwald uses the eenie-meenie-miney-mo technique of choosing a place to live, killing the house’s entire occupancy including an infant child. This is the guy whose motivations are gonna later be revealed to be kinda sympathetic. He describes the non-wizards as ‘beasts of burden,’ something I want you to remember for later.

Back in London, Newt shakes his trail by creating a gust of wind that only effects the guy who’s following him because why not, he could just turn a corner and apparate, it’s not like you can be tracked. (Otherwise Voldemort would’ve been able to do it in Deathly Hallows) a glove tells Newt to apparate on top of a building and Newt does so, it’s Dumbledore, now played by Jude Law. He covers London in fog for the purposes of… 

Apparently, Dumbledore set the events of the last film into motion, not exactly surprising. He tells Newt that Credence is in Paris, searching for his real family. How he knows this is anyone’s guess, but apparently he’s Leta’s brother, and it may be possible to save him if they provide him love. I swear this wasn’t how obscuruses worked in the last film but OK. 

He wants Newt to save him, and gives him the address of a safe-house in Paris should he ever need it. Newt tries to refuse on the grounds of him being banned from international travel but Dumbledore continues to be a manipulative dick as the two part company, Dumbledore says that he can’t move against Grindelwald because of reasons to be explained later.

Newt returns home to find the lights blinking. His Nifflers are on the loose again and causing shenanigans. We’re introduced to Bunty, Newt's assistant, she exists for this scene and nothing else. Also, hope this scene gives you your fill of Fantastic Beasts because most of the film is pretty light on them. Also, this expansive basement is a stretch, even for Newt’s considerable talents.

They hear a crash upstairs and we’re reintroduced to Queenie and Jacob Kowalsky. He has his memories because the Thunderbird’s tears only erase bad memories. No sign of Tina though. Jacob seems unnaturally cheerful about everything especially considering the illegality of their relationship in the US. Apparently, word in the US is that Newt is marrying Leta because Americans are stupid.

It’s revealed that Queenie had enchanted him, Newt lifts the enchantment and it leads to them falling out. Erm, despite the fact it’s Queenie that’s angry I totally would’ve sided with Jacob if he were, because he has every right to be. She leaves to see Tina, who Newt soon discovers is in Paris. He leaves a note for Bunty and he and Jacob are soon en-route

Tina uses a magical statue to go to a magical district in Paris, and the Circus where we find Credence and Nagini. They got a note from Grindelwald and they’re planning an escape. How did Credence end up working in a circus and how does this help him find his family? We hear that Nagini is a woman blood-cursed to turn into a snake every night and soon will be snakelike permanently. This is just... Yikes...

Credence facilitates his escape by releasing the animals, so more Fantastic Beats might be seen later. The remainder of the circus just packs up and leaves. Tina confronts the ringmaster, who only reveals that Credence searches for his mother, but she’s not alone in her search because we’re introduced to yet another new character in Yusef Kama. I hope you’re keeping track, there’s a quiz on this later.

He’s also looking for Credence but for different reasons as we’ll find out later. There’s a scene with Grindelwald that essentially accomplishes nothing, except for finding out that Credence with Grindelwald’s choice of weapon against Dumbledore. Incidentally we are 40 minutes in and pretty much everything so far could be considered setting things up.

Thanks to the stupid invention of a time-dependant port-key (what’s wrong with a regular one?) Newt and Jacob manage to travel to Paris thus-far undetected. They quickly head to the portal into the wizarding city and ok, the magic Newt can accomplish is well beyond what Harry could do, and they both dropped out of school during the same year.

Here’s why I think Harry is better protagonist than Newt or any of the others. Harry is not the best wizard in the world, he doesn’t know spells that can do everything like Newt seems to be able to. Which means he can’t solely rely on magic to solve his problems and has to rely on his wits, which is far more interesting.

So using a spell he finds a trail Tina left behind, or something… Leading to him licking the pavement and using his wand as a stethoscope... The wand transfigures, have we ever seen wand transfiguration before? Also, way to make Fred and George’s extendable ears worthless, JK. One of the escaped circus animals is introduced to us as a Zouwu who are very fast, I hope you’re taking notes.

They find a feather that belonged to Yusef and Newt enchants it to return to its owner. We cut to Queenie who enters the French Ministry for Magic to locate her sister, she’s kinda patronising but it’s more out of naivety than malice, she finds out that Tina isn’t officially working with the French ministry.

As that is happening Abernathy and I think it’s Prudence, sneak into Ministry, with Abernathy using transfiguration/Polyjuice potion to do so. They never explain which, so neither will I. Queenie searches for Jacob in the convenient rainstorm that literally started right as she heard his voice. She sits down, trying to filter through it all but having no luck. That is until Prudence comes to her side.

Nagini and Credence walk down the street, with Grimmson watching them. They find an address for a name Irma Dugard, who was one Credence’s adoption paper, she’s not Credence’s mother, she was a half-elf servant and now I’ve got to live with the mental image of someone having sex with a house-elf, thanks for that JK.

Grimmson arrives, incapacitating Nagini but finds Irma already dead, Credence’s obscurus powers having done the deed. Credence tries to attack Grimson but it doesn’t appear to work thanks to him being able to craft a force-field that blocks him. He apparates away, leaving Credence to deal with the toll of Irma’s death. Nagini comforts him. It’s revealed here that Grimmson is in fact a double agent working for Grindelwald, and Irma’s death was his intention there. I mean, I’m not exactly surprised.

Because this film can’t focus on a plot-line for more than a minute, we cut back to Newt and Jacob at a café, waiting for Yusef. They mention her being an auror and that potentially attracting unwanted attention and he leads them to a set of tunnels under the river, including a cage where Tina is, and they’re trapped, with Yusef disarming Newt to keep him from using magic. He claims either Credence dies or he does before collapsing with a pain in his eye (we’d seen him taking drops for them earlier)

Thanks to Pickett, the trio escape fairly easily but before Yusef can be attended to, the Zouwu attacks. For a creature that cross continents in seconds, he certain seems content to be roaming around one city. Newt is immediately back on the streets and uses a cat toy thing on the end of this wand to pacify the creature, with it proving hypnotic enough for the Zouwu to follow him into the case.

With Newt’s presence in Paris now public knowledge, we cut to another sub-plot because Lord knows we needed one of those as several ministry officials arrive at Hogwarts as Dumbledore is teaching… Defence Against the Dark Arts? Wasn’t he a transfiguration teacher? Also, McGonagall is there, I didn’t think she was that old. Anyway, Travers, the head of the department of Magical Law Enforcement interrupts Dumbledore, and wants him to fight Grindelwald.

Dumbledore says he can’t but won’t explain why. They already know about his history with Grindelwald, so it’s not like there’s a secret there. With that option gone, Travers, Theseus and Leta are heading to Paris to confront him themselves. Dumbledore is given magical restraints, more guard and is banned from teaching Defence against the Dark Arts because… Travers suspects he’s plotting against him or something…

Dumbledore warns Theseus not to try and break it up if Grindelwald calls a rally. Leta takes a trip down memory lane. Her running away from some Griffindor bullies she cursed, with McGonagall still there, deducting points from Slytherin. In hiding she comes across Newt. The school’s about to break up for the holidays but Leta is being forced to stay and Newt is staying to look after an injured Raven, I guess his family are just cool with that.

We cut to them learning Defence Against the Dark Arts, presumably third year as they’re facing boggarts. Dumbledore looks very much the same as he does in the relative present. Leta’s fear is a sheet, we’ll find out more about that later. Newt comforts her after the lesson, showing her the bowtruckles. Dumbledore finds her in the present and she asks if she was a bad student, he gives some advice to her over her fears and regrets, advice he wish he’d taken himself.

Cut to Queenie as she finds herself being hosted by Grindelwald. He mentions that in his world order, she’s be free to love Jacob, which is interesting except Queenie has seen the kind of monster that Grindelwald is and she can also read minds. Yes, there is a defence against it, and whilst I’d imagine Grindelwald would be capable his underlings less so.

Dumbledore looks in the Mirror of Arised and we watch as in the mirror Dumbledore and Grindlewald perform some kind of ritual, I’m gonna have questions about this later, once we discover what it is. At the safe-house, Jacob leaves Newt and Tina alone, but the conversation quickly turns to Yusef, who has a scar on his hand that suggests an unbreakable vow.

Yusef it seems was carrying a parasite from a water dragon which Newt manages to remove, but Yusef will still be scarcely conscious for the next few hours, so Tina leaves to report to the ministry. Newt chases after her and the two make up, apparently she was mad about a letter Newt sent… so the who marriage misunderstanding ends up being entirely pointless.

Because the plot says so, the whole city now gets enshrouded in a magical blanket and Grindelwald issues his call to arms. The two then head to the French ministry of Magic, looking for a box that might contains the answers they seek. Back with Credence, Grindelwald is waiting on the roof, and this should be a showdown given how things worked out in the last film but since we have 3 films to go, there’s no such luck. He gives Credence a map, where he says the truth will be found.

Back with a very hungry Jacob, we’re introduced to Nicholas Flamel, yes, we’re over an hour in and still being introduced to new characters. He also has a crystal ball that tells the future because the plot says he does. It shows the Lestrange tomb, and Queenie so Jacob heads out to find her, against Flamel’s objections. Yusef also escaped during the commotion.

Apparently the means of communication with Dumbledore’s allies is a book now. Newt takes Polyjuice potion to look like his brother and I see we’re sticking with the whole ‘we still sound like ourselves’ thing. This being true would’ve completely undercut Goblet of Fire

What he didn’t count on is Thesseus already being there and seeing him and Tina arrive. Travers is telling him to arrest everyone at the rally and shouldn’t they be co-ordinating with French Aurors? Why are they even here? Meanwhile Grimmson and Abernathy plant a thing in the Lestrange family vault.

Jacob arrives at the cemetery and recognising the entrance to the vault goes  searching before being confronted by someone. Tina and Newt pretend to be Leta Lestrange and her fiancé, I guess it works. Newt babbles a bit about the fiancé business that’s still pretty pointless really. Leta herself enters the vault looking for the records as the receptionist looks on, kinda intimidatingly. Leta finds a note saying the records she’s looking for have been moved to the Lestrange family vault. Newt and Tina are soon discovered thanks to Pickett giving them away.

The creepy receptionist confronts them with her creepy cat things that look f*cking terrible, Newt escapes them by hiding the others in his case and unleashing the Zouwu, who quickly transports them to the graveyard. Tina then uses the same trick to lure the Zouwu back into the case. Yosef has Jacob, Nagini and Credence at wand point (which is bound to work out so well) but is confronted by Leta, Newt and Tina. Apparently, he and Leta are siblings.

We finally get something resembling some answers from Yusef. So Leta was born from a woman under the imperius curse, and this is rightfully treated as disgusting, it’s also essentially rape, which is lovely. My question is, what if the enchantments on Jacob had led to the same thing, and it’s a legitimate question because Jacob kinda brought it up himself? Why is Queenie’s charm treated as no big deal, it’s a huge deal!

Leta’s birth resulted in the death of her mother, and maddened with grief, Yusef’s father tasked him with seeking vengeance on Lestrange, killing the person he loves most. But that was easier said than done, as Lestrange seemed to love nobody until his son Corvus was born, it’s believed that Corvus Lestrange is Credence.

Lestrange knew his son was a target so tasked his half-elf with taking him away, the ship went down at sea but a boy survived. But Leta has more of the story to tell. She was sent to America too, but she became sick of Corvus’ crying and swapped him for another baby as the boat went down. Credence is the one she took. The blanket she feared was the blanked containing her brother. Yusef therefore can’t complete his unbreakable vow so why is he still alive?

The news is bad for Credence, who’s still no closer to finding out who he truly is, but just as that happens a passage opens to Grindelwald’s rally. Jacob and Queenie reunite, but it may all be for naught, as Queenie wants to stay and hear him out. The others join the audience. Grindelwald’s speech is… honestly kinda lame. But he does have an ace up his sleeve, yet another f*cking prophecy, this time of WWII, considering Grindelwald’s reign will encompass said war, this is an interesting diversion.

The Niffler escapes Newt’s case as the aurors are outed to the crowd but one of them attacks an auror who retaliates with lethal force. I’m guessing because Grindelwald said so because otherwise this makes no sense. The followers all disapparate as Grindelwald creates a wall of fire that burns all but those loyal to him. The fire begins to spread, killing aurors far and wide. Credence decides to join Grindelwald to find out who he is, leaving Nagini behind. Queenie decides to be a f*cking moron and join Grindelwald also, essentially ending it with Jacob in the process, ironically.

Leta approaches Grindelwald, trying to sneak attack him, but failing miserably and being killed. The remaining aurors apparate out, saving Jacob and any other stragglers but the fire still burns on, threatening to destroy all of Paris. With the help of Flamel they manage to send the fire beasts back. Although how no Muggle noticed this is beyond me. The death of Leta allows for the Scamander brothers to patch things up, with Newt finally agreeing to join the fight against Grindelwald. But there is some good news as the slightly limping Niffler has manages to steal something from Grindlewald.

We cut back to Hogwarts as the remaining cast members greet Dumbledore, although Newt approaches him directly. In Grindelwald’s new headquarters, taking advice from Queenie, (wait what?) Grindelwald gives Credence a wand as Newt hands the thing over Dumbledore. It’s a blood pact, the two swore not to fight each other, at least not directly.

OK, so assuming the backstory from the books is the same, the two fought resulting in the death of Dumbledore’s sister, leading to them splitting up. They couldn’t made the pact before then, because how could they have fought when Arianna died, but they couldn’t have made it after because Dumbledore had then realised his errors and wouldn’t have agreed to it. Why does this exist, because we need a reason why it’ll take nearly 20 years for Dumbledore and Grindelwald to finally face off. It’s a lazy way out.

But like I said, the pact prevents them fighting directly, but we have a revelation that makes absolutely no sense really so I suspect/hope it’s bullsh*t, but anyway apparently Credence is the other Dumbledore brother.

  

And that was Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald and oh my lord is it a slog.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them served as a solid standalone entry whilst providing enough lore and context to serve a bigger story in the sequels. The Crimes of Grindelwald fails as a standalone story as it’s more interested in setting up a bunch of characters and plot threads for later films. This film is made up 85% of exposition, it’s incredibly dull.

Structurally, this film is a mess, rather than having a main plot-line running through, and sub-plots branching out of it, there a 3 more-or-less separate plot-lines, each with sub-plots of their own that only converge at the end. The original Fantastic Beasts had 2 plot-lines that felt largely disconnected but both were interesting enough in their own right to allow for it. The 3 in this story are not.

There’s so much setup, the second act is basically omitted from the story structure entirely. This is where the majority of intrigue and character work happens and as a result a lot of that is missed. This might’ve worked in a book but as a film it just isn’t interesting enough.

It does appear that David Yates didn’t learn anything from The Half Blood Prince because at times this film is so dark it borders on being hard to see. I get that you’re set in the 1920s, movie, but we did we need a storm in New York, the fog in London etc?

Because the whole story around Lestrange ends up being a load of lies and Leta’s death robbing any opportunity to further explore this, it really does feel kinda pointless, it sets up Yusef’s arc but Yusef in and of himself is also kinda pointless. We never find out what she did that Newt took the blame for, and got him thrown out of Hogwarts either, such a waste.

Credence for most of the movie forgets the last movie ever happened, particular the bits with Grindelwald being a manipulative liar. I can’t see any other reason why he wouldn’t just attack him on sight, let alone join his cause.

Newt’s arc is basically ignored for most of the film, it’s established at the ministry and brought up again at the end. The only one with an arc that develops over the actual course of the film is Queenie and oh boy, Queenie isn’t this dumb. She was present for enough of the last film to know that Grindelwald is a monster. The intended irony that joining Grindelwald in order to marry Jacob but losing him for doing so isn’t lost on me but why did she become a high-ranking member of his crew? On a related note, having a Jewish character support the wizarding equivalent to Hitler is just... wrong!

Speaking of Grindelwald, if the intention was to make him a hero you can understand the motivations of, perhaps including a scene where he has a child murdered is not the best way of going about it. Also, Johnny Depp is many things, but subtle isn’t among them, really not sure what this casting is about.

And making Nagini basically a nice person in this film… Why? Her ultimate fate is to have her head chopped off by Neville Longbottom in what is his most defining character moment. Why muddy that by implying that she was actually a victim in all this? I don’t understand what this accomplishes. And aside from being someone for Credence to talk to she doesn’t serve much of a narrative purpose anyway.

The Fantastic Beasts themselves feel rather disconnected from everything else that’s going on. This was true of the first film too but their plot encompassed almost half that film. Here it’s closer to 25% with only one major set piece relevant to the plot that involved them.

With the exception of the weird cat creatures which are straight out of the uncanny valley the effects look pretty decent, though I will say the look of certain spells has changed since the last film and the look of apparation flip flops during the film itself.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is a confusing mess that whilst having mostly solid action and performances is so interested in introducing new characters and conflicts for future movies that it forgets to be interesting (and coherent) in the here and now. It’s disappointing that this story comes from JK herself as we know she can do so much better.

Rating 1500%