Guilty Pleasures #35 - Superman: The Movie (1978)

I’m just gonna put this on-record for everyone. Brace yourselves, this is a controversial opinion that I’m never gonna be able to take back...

Man of Steel sucks and Batman v. Superman sucks. I’ve already gone into detail about what I hate about Man of Steel in my review (plug) and I’ll be reviewing Batman v. Superman later this year. But before we do that, let’s take a look at the movies at the other end of the scale.

Superman: The Movie is one of the best rated superhero movies on Rotten Tomatoes, 93% puts it up there with the Dark Knight, Guardians of the Galaxy, Iron Man and the Avengers. Note how The Dark Knight is the only other DC movie in the 90+s on Rotten Tomatoes. But we’re not here to judge the ratings, I’m here to judge it for myself, using modern sensibilities because I think it'll be funnier. Let’s dig into Superman: The Movie and see what this has to offer.

After a scene demonstrating that their version of the Daily Planet looks something like the one from the original coming we get our opening credits, and brace yourselves, this will go on a while. I’ll happily tell you the music by John Williams is awesome. But seriously, this opening credits sequence goes on for f*cking ever, would it have done them any harm to put a few of these names together? Hell, the even start doing that near the end.

After you’ve officially aged for 15 years, we open on the Planet Krypton, or is it Krypten? Some of the actors, including the guy playing Jor-El pronounce it wrong. Anyway, after a load of pointless model shots we see Jor-El trying General Zod and his cronies because they need to show up in Superman 2. They’re found guilty and sentenced to the Phantom Zone for Superman 2. Good to see that overacting isn’t a trait only the modern Zod had. Also, the sequence of the trio being sent to the Phantom Zone is long and overly drawn out.

Jor-El tries to persuade the Council of his theory that Krypton is going to go boom but they don’t believe him. The other scientist argues that they’re just shifting orbit, which seems a bit suspect to me but then I already know the outcome of this story. The Council say that if he spreads word of this, he will be tried for insurrection so he agrees to remain silent.

Meanwhile, he’s working on a rocket to send his son in, as it’s his only chance for survival. They discuss the powers he might have and what consequences will come with that as Jor-El leaves a crystal in the rocket that does… something. Apparently doing this has misused energy and the Council have called for Jor-El’s arrest.

They load the baby into the rocket as Jor-El makes a boring speech that amounts to nothing. Can the Council Police burst in already? After they produce crystal for Superman 2, which they place in the rocket) they prepare to launch, finally. And of course, Krypton is having its final tremors before destruction because of course it is. 30 days, 30 minutes, same thing really.

So Kal El escape and everything gets a red filter. The subplot about Jor-El being arrested seems pointless, doesn’t it? So yeah, Krypton goes boom. And we cut to Kal-El approaching Earth, very, very slowly through some really cr*ppy looking special effects. Looks like Kal-El is actually ageing during the flight. The ship lands in Smallville where Jonathan and Martha Kent are driving.

Martha sees the ship, which landed close by and a baby, capable of walking stands before them. That’s nice and all but did we have to see his d*ck, that’s creepy. OK, so you find a boy out in the middle of a field, completely naked, what’s the responsible thing to do?

1. Take him to local child services
2. Try and find his real family
3. Take him in as if he was your own

If you’re answer is c, congratulations, you need the same pills Martha does. Jonathan only comes around when he sees the kid can lift up his pick-up truck. So, you see, kidnapping is OK, so long as the person you kidnap is useful.

We cut to several years later, Clark is playing... I have no idea what and trying to impress Lana Lang, but is ultimately foiled by some douche named Brad. He kicks a football which we never see again and he runs with a train. See, keeping powers a secret was not a lesson Jon or Martha sought to teach him. And by lucky coincidence a young Lois Lane is on that train, sees him but isn’t believed.

And here’s a scene that honestly is something that really was needed in Man of Steel. A proper bonding scene between a young Clark and Jon. Jon soon after has a heart attack, one which he senses coming in the way most people don’t. Anyway, Clark doesn’t seem to be able to sense a heartbeat yet, so it took Martha screaming for him to come back. And just like that, he’s dead, and buried in a field, with a fence, not exactly the most dignified of graveyards.

Still, unlike with his death Man of Steel, they actually have a scene set immediately after where Clark realises that he still has limitations. He hears some static on the radio and looks outside that night, it’s drawing him to the barn where he finds the green crystal. The next morning he’s standing out in the fields, he tells Martha that he has to leave for… reasons. But he does offer to arrange Martha some help if she needs it.

The dialogue is corny, it’s the late 70s so none of the dialogue would sound perfect but it’s ultimately heartfelt and feels more like a loving connection. You got some of that between Martha and Clark in Man of Steel but there was a bitterness to it, especially since it was never addressed why Superman even left.

Anyway, Clark heads North for some reason and comes across what will become his Fortress of Solitude. He gets out the green crystal and for some reason throws it into the icy waters, it lands on some ice and begins sinking in and then because it’s magic, I guess, it begins growing the Fortress of Solitude. *Cough*bullsh*t*cough*

He examines one of the crystals and slots into a tube, and through the power of utter utter bullsh*t, this activates a hologram of his father, a hologram which gave me grey hairs in the time it took to activate. I’m 24. Anyway, his father says his hologram can give him answers. So after a scene entirely in visual effects that little to do with things being said, Superman is immediately in costume and able to fly. I’ll give Man of Steel credit, he tried first.

Time to cut to the Daily Planet, through the lenses of Jimmy Olsen’s very unfocused camera and Lois Lane’s dyslexia? OK… And we get Clark Kent, bumbling idiot, mild mannered, all that sh*t mannerisms that make him a perfect comic foil for… well, basically everyone around him. Personally, I prefer it when Clark Kent isn’t a bumbling fool. Clark’s intentions of being a reporter is to know about disasters as they happen, he’s more likely to succeed in that if he’s actually taken seriously.

The next scene, where he and Lois are mugged by the world’s stupidest mugger and he… cowers in fear. There’s a difference between keeping your disguise and being a cowardly wuss. Again, you need to be taken seriously for this sh*t to work. But enough bumbling around, time for more death. 2 policeman have an eye on Lex Luthor’s bumbling idiot assistant and follow him to a railroad, where Lex Luthor’s secret base is located. Lex Luthor pushes the one of the cops into the path of a passing train.

Lex Luthor has a female companion who’s there because erm… because erm… oh look, she has her breasts showing. Anyway, Otis, the bumbling idiot, brings Lex a newspaper confirming 2 missiles... Exist, I think? OK, I guess this is 1978 where you’d need to do that, and given his base is underground, he wouldn’t have television. Although what’s confirmed I don’t know. Lex says his scheme has something to do with real estate. Yay!

Back at the Daily Planet we’re beginning to fill the quota of Lois Lane spelling jokes. Pretty sure they only ever did this once in the DCAU, and it was ambivalent, not exactly a common word she was spelling. Anyway, time for more of the Clark Kent comedy stick as he tries to woo Lois Lane because…

So, Lois apparently has a helicopter waiting for her and if you’ve guessed where this is going, so has the rest of the world. And it runs like clockwork. Accident befalls helicopter, largely due to negligence, helicopter on verge of crashing, Lois screams, a lot, Superman shows up and saves her. For its time, the effects are pretty impressive. Bear this in mind when we get to Superman IV later down the road.

Meanwhile the slowest cat burglar in history manages to bump into Superman who is sticking to the wall. Did he have that power in the 70s? I suppose he could be hovering but it does look like his feet are touching the walls. The guy falls, Superman catches him and brings him to the convenient officer below. Meanwhile, again, there’s a police chase with gangsters which Superman picks up on. They get away on the convenient boat but Superman shows up and arrests them. Here’s something that was absolutely missing from Man of Steel. Superman didn’t really get a chance to be Superman before being tossed into a city-destroying conflict. And no, I don’t count that boat scene since that was pre-Superman.

And in case you want some extra corniness, yes, he does rescue a cat from a tree. Although in the dark turn it sounds like the girl gets beaten for her telling her parents about it. Yikes. Meanwhile a plane, Air Force One no less is hit by a freak bolt of lightning. Fortunately, Superman holds the wing and helps it make a safe landing. That looks stupid, really, really stupid.

Cut back to the Fortress where Superman is confessing to his father that he enjoyed helping out. Jor-El offers a compromise where he can help as Superman. And credit where it’s due, his reasons for having him maintain his identity as Clark Kent are reasonable. Sure there’s the bog-standard, at least by today’s standards, reason of protecting your loved ones and be sure never to tell them because that would only put them at risk *cough*bullsh*t*cough* but the more interesting one, have him be Clark so people don’t know who he is and begin contacting him for trivial things humans can handle on their own.

So after the elongated ending of that scene we see news coverage in TV shops, because that’s the only way people can see the news this days. It catches the attention of Lex Luthor. Wait, Lex Luthor does have working television? Then why the f*ck did he need a newspaper to tell him about the nukes? Anyway he deduces immediately that Superman must be an alien because only he’d be able to pull off such an elaborate hoax. Right… what have you done so far? You’ve killed a cop, it’s not exactly impressive. But hey, his plans are long term, what’s he building up towards?

So, Perry wants to know everything about Superman because it’d sell papers. Lois has a card asking to meet her tonight at 8, signed ‘A friend’ right… I like this guy, he’s no nonsense, he cares about sales but isn’t heartless in J Jonah Jameson type way. Meanwhile, it’s 8 and Superman seeks out Lois and asks for an interview. So, after the stupid sh*t gets asked, he reveals he can’t see through lead, which I’m sure will never reach anyone’s ears, ever. I’m not going to bring up Batman vs. Superman and them half-assing this sh*t, I’ll save that for its actual review. Believe me, that piece of sh*t has it coming.

So, Superman takes her flying and again, the effects are reasonably impressive, and again it’s something to bear in mind when we get to Superman IV. Superman I think drops her, although that could just be down to the extreme awkward and impractical way that they’re flying but Superman catches her again. OK, this scene was impressive but it goes on too long and has pointless inner monologue from Lois. Let me enjoy the visuals, goddamn it!

So, after bringing Lois back down, we see Clark knocking on the door and saying it was their planned date. You signed it, “a friend” you could at least act like you remember that! He almost tells Lois but chickens out at the last second for reasons. So, Lois’ headline and comedy hi-jinks with Lex Luthor. We have a new chick to show off her breasts or something. Anyway, Lex somehow deduces that some chunks of Krypton may have made it to earth and because of… something I’m sure, it’ll be lethal to Superman.

So, time for an elaborate heist. With a military convoy about to head off, Luthor shuts them down with a dummy that the dumb-ass military goods are so f*cking stupid they make googly eyes over her rather than actually check to see that she’s real and not a dummy. So, Otis does stupid things and we get more comic relief.

Fortunately, take 2 involves a hauling truck with a house whilst random hot chick #3 does sh*t. Meanwhile, Lois has been sent to interview some guy somewhere near a dam who’s sold land for a sizeable profit and Jimmy’s taking photos. Clark arrives at the planet and Perry explains where Lois is and exposits that 2 guards were killed by someone breaking in to steal that meteorite I mentioned.

Lex Luthor uses a high frequency sound wave to send a message to Superman, a technique replicated by Lex Luthor in Young Justice. It’s actually a pretty clever ploy. Anyway, he says he’s going to unleash poison gas and so Supes magically changes costume mid-fall (he jumped out of a window) and heads off into the air. After some time flying he heads underground. Lex Luthor wastes a considerable expense on bullets he knows won’t have an effect, he passes through fire and ice with minimal difficulty… Just get to the kryptonite already!

Anyway, the whole gas thing was a ploy but it’s OK, Lex Luthor’s just going to explain his evil plan. He buys up land, blows up the land that’s actually populated and he makes a killing. Anyway, the missiles have launched and the destruct code isn’t working. Apparently, Superman couldn’t stop them, not even with his great speed. Except they were launched from the same point of origin and it’s only been a few minutes. Yeah, Superman probably could…

But Luthor has a remote detonator, apparently, Superman looks for it but ends up finding the Kryptonite, that Luthor name drops there and then. He wraps a chain around his neck and drops him into the pool. Turns out Luthor’s latest random chick has a mother living in one of the target zones and she fulfils her very important role by rescuing Superman, after making him promise to prioritise her mother over Lois and Jimmy. I wonder... nah, that would be too stupid, right? Anyway, she throws the kryptonite away and Supes immediately has his powers back, without any solar recharge.

Anyway, Superman saves New Jersey or wherever it was that whatshername’s mother lives in but the other missile looks to be hitting its target. The missile hits its mark and the chain reaction begins. Superman tries to stop it by fails. Lois barely avoids random oil explosion and various other calamities are taking place. So we have a school bus on a bridge and a train losing its tracks, two relatively cliché but ultimately intriguing scenarios. Superman somehow manages to repair some of the fault, rescue the kids and save the train and saves Jimmy in their first scene together. Unfortunately, he’s too late to save Lois who’s crushed quite painfully by rubble.

Superman blocks the flow of the dam water using boulders straight out of a Road Runner cartoon but eventually discovers his tardiness with Lois. We all know what’s going to happen next, the scene is infamous. Superman flies around the world backwards at Superspeed so fast he reverses the clock. Now, I hate to be the one to pour cold water on this bonfire of bullsh*t but that’s not how science works.

It doesn’t matter how fast Superman is flying around the Earth. He could be travelling millions of miles a second but he’s still taking time to do it. You have to be travelling faster than the speed of light in a straight line for this to work. And if you were, you’d only have travelled back in time in the respect that the light hasn’t hit this area yet. I’m not a physicist but I have common sense, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Anyway, Jimmy catches up and moans about being left behind. Superman takes off and they think about why Clark wasn’t there. He wasn’t assigned with you, remember? He could still be in Metropolis for all you know, this is stupid theory. Moving on. Superman drops Luthor off in prison because screw due process, although given Luthor’s stupid speech, he clearly isn’t going anywhere. So, we end with Superman flying a bit and more of that gorgeous music.

So, that was Superman: The Movie

Overall, it’s an enjoyable movie. The effects are brilliant for the time period and the cast largely do fine jobs, remember that for coming movies. The music is awesome too and it is a decent adaptation of the superman comic books. It captures the spirit of the comics much better than Man of Steel.

But it’s not without its flaws. I’m not a huge fan of this portrayal of Lex Luthor although that may just be compared to the Business type we see more in modern comics. They also try a little too hard with the comic relief. From Otis being a bumbling fool to Clark Kent being a bumbling fool to Lois Lane’s fawning over Superman, it just got a little too much for me.

Some of the shots drag on for too long and outstay their welcome, Jimmy Olsen feels more there out of necessity rather than actually having something to do and I honestly don’t see the point in Jonathan Kent dying.

But overall, the lighter tone is more enjoyable and I feel this captures Superman in a way Man of Steel failed to do.

Rage Rating -67%

Images used in this review are from Superman: The Movie and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.