#9 Man of Steel

This is a review I wasn’t entirely sure what review I wanted to do, but in the end I chose rage issues, because despite the fact there are good points to it, there are a lot of problems, that as a comic book fan, I’m not impressed with.

So, let’s dig into Man of Steel without delay

We start on the planet Krypton, as we should, with the birth of Kal-El, in a dark room with only her husband and two pin-art desk toy things? A planet that looks pre-historic in nature, despite the fact it has freaking spaceships.

Geez, we're not past the logo, and we already know what kind of movie this is gonna be

In a council meeting, Dur El says that Krypton’s core is collapsing, because they’ve been mining it for energy (you know, you’d think mining the core, might have some potential dangers, and they might’ve been foreseen) anyway, Dur El says they must look to the stars but they don’t have time to evacuate the planet (of anyone – at all, this is race that mastered space-travel before (they mentioned they have outposts on other planets) you can’t tell me they don’t have some ships capable of flying) Dur-El wants control of the Codex, a complicated device that serves all and no purpose in this plot

Just as talks go well, General Zod and his forces break in, killing the guards and one of the council members. Accusing them of leading Krypton to ruin he says the surviving council members will stand trial (what about the guards?) Zod says he will wipe-out the bloodlines that caused this, and asks Dur El to join him but he refuses (and some of this dialogue is cr*p worthy of the Star Wars prequels) they arrest Dur El but then the desk toy thing stuns them and Dur El takes them down. Apparently the things act as communicators too, who knew?

Dur El tells Lara to ready the launch, before we’re hit with a bunch of lens flares. Dur El calls down his bird fly thing and… Isn’t this supposed to be a Superman movie? Anyway, he flies through CGI explosions to somewhere and dives where babies are created and steels a skull which is apparently the codex. The alarm is raised and he leaves without problems but then Zod finds him and fires; he then jumps and lands on the bird thing, a few more lens flares later Dur El returns home and puts the Codex into a machine that does something.

Apparently they’ve found a planet for their child, Earth but Lara worries that because he’s gonna end up with super-powers he’ll be branded a freak. Dur El says he’ll be a god (I think Lara’s probably more accurate here) Lara worries some more, and Dur El seems rather too keen to do this, but eventually the codex does something and a key forms from somewhere, which he uses to set off the ship, he says the line from the trailer, and the ship prepares to launch

Zods forces begin their attack, blasting their way into the house, Zod himself enters the room with the shuttle, where Dur El is waiting for him, he explains some cr*p about how Kal El is the first naturally born child on Krypton in centuries (we had to go this route, didn’t we?) as Zod and Dur El fight, Lara ensures the shuttle launches, in spite of Zod’s protests. In a random outburst, Zod kills Dur El on the spot, Lara goes to her husband, and says that Kal in beyond Zod’s reach, as Zod prepares to destroy the ship, his forces are decimated by newly arrived re-enforcements (where were they earlier?)

 

Overacting at it's finest, this guy is loving it...

Zod and his crew are sentenced to the Phantom Zone but not before Zod has another outburst saying ‘I will find him’ 3 times, getting louder each time (assuming he wasn’t heard the time before) they are sent into the Phantom Zone in penis shuttles, oh and get used to this music, you’ll hear a lot of that tune. As the gateway to the Phantom Zone closes, the Planet Krypton begins to explode, and Lara shows no emotion whatsoever to this calamity.

 

That's numberwang!

So, finally, we’re off Krypton, that took way too long. The shuttles arrives in Smallville Kansas and well, if you know Superman at all you know what’s coming. We rather suddenly cut to a fishing boat for some reason, where a bearded man is on board and for some reason they get a distress call from an oil rig (they’re a rescue ship now? What was with the cage they were throwing into the water then) on the oil derek, beaded man somehow manages to get in and rescue everyone who was still inside, rather than taking off in the heli-copter, he keeps the oil derek stable enough for the helicopter to escape and is seemingly killed (yeah, right) in the water he has a flashback about being in school and suddenly developing his super-senses

 

Guess someone's never heard of red eye correction

He has a panic attack and leaves the classroom, locking himself in the closet, because that helps, the teacher tries to open the cupboard but then suddenly the handle becomes hot and she has to let go. Martha Kent arrives in the story and despite this, the kids still whisper about him (good job kids) he then answers what’s wrong with ‘the world’s too big, mom’ which is weird, wrong, and nothing to do with the problem he’s f*cking facing. Martha tells him to focus and he comes out. Well, that flashback sure was pointless, hope we don’t get yet another trivial scene after this. Clark’s rescued by a whale in the present or something, he steals somebody else’s clothes (our hero ladies and gentlemen) and sees a school bus, this enough to put him into another flashback

On such a bus, Clark Kent is bullied by some ginger guy, when the tyre bursts for no reason and they fall off the bridge into the river, Clark exits the bus and manages to lift it out of the water. At the Kent house the mother of one of the students says he saw what Clark did (and despite this doesn’t report it to anyone) John Kent talks to his son and says that he shouldn’t show off his powers. Clark answers ‘what was I supposed to do, just let them die?’ which is a good question to which John answers ‘maybe’ some people interpret this as saying he’s not sure but I’m gonna say he’s a dick, because any answer other than ‘no, of course not’ makes him a dick in my book.

 

The wheels on the bus they burst burst burst, all day long
The wheels on the bus go splish splosh splash, all day long

In the shed, they reveal the shuttle Clark came in, they find the key, which a metallurgist said it didn’t even exist on the periodic table and that automatically makes it alien (also the metallurgist then did nothing at all) then we move away from emotion to importance exposition ‘you’re the answer, son, you’re the answer to are we alone in the universe’ – geez. Apparently John believes he was sent here for a reason, but that reason shouldn’t have a thing to do with… I don’t know, USING HIS POWERS!

So, back in the present at a trucker’s diner, Clark’s working at it, for some reason. A trucker’s being a drunken jerk to a woman, Clark stops him but the trucker pours beer on his head, he takes off his apron and leaves, destroying the truck when he gets outside (our hero folks) Clark moves on to a mountaineering expedition?

Lois Lane enters the story, conveniently, at this point, working on a story for the Daily Planet where the military has discovered something in ice, that shouldn't be there (and are not in any way keeping this quiet) Lois assembles her Nikon camera (yeah the product placement is that obvious) and goes out into mountains, conveniently finding Clark from zooming into a photograph, she scales the ice mountain at night with no problems whatsoever and enters a cave (which Clark had formed with his heat vision)

Yeah, this guy's a dick, you don't even have to listen to him to work that out

Clark enters the ship, and inserts the key he was given back in flashback 2 into the engines, a drone begins to attack him before the key goes in fully (that was pointless) Clark discovers the Kryptonian corpses on the ship, meanwhile that thing that sort of attacked Superman attacks Lois, before Clark destroys it. Clark cauterises her wound with heat vision. The ship breaks free from the ice and takes off (geez this story has way too much plot)

Lois dictates her article to Perry but he refuses to print it, on account of no real evidence, Lois texts it to #random_dude_that_isn’t_going_to_be_important_in_this_story. Back on board the ship, Clark discovers Dur-El’s magic hologram mind-piece soul thing. Who despite being dead can see that Clark has grown to an adult, in a load of pin holo-gram things, Dur-El reveals the history of Krypton. I’m beginning to miss the days that Lex Luthor just wanted to kill Superman for 'reason of the week', how much exposition can you fit into a movie.

 

Wow, it's almost like they're in the room together, which one's the hologram again?

After a long period of exposition and a few trailer quotes. Clark is finally in his Superman costume, and he tries to use the fact that gravity is far less than Krypton’s to fly, after a few Hulk ice smashes, he manages to fly, until he crashes into a mountain, obviously that doesn’t hurt him. He tries once more and manages flight, through some fairly obvious green screen from abandoned area to abandoned area (he went from Ice Mountains to canyons, and no-one saw him at all)

Lois continues her search, which leads her to the ihop, where the guy that Clark rescued now works, this leads her to Martha. She stops at Jonathan Kent’s grave, when she finally encounters Clark, who’s had a nice shave I’ve just noticed. Lois asks a lot of questions of which Clark answers none of them.

We flash back to a storm which Jonathan happens to be driving into, everyone runs to the over-pass (which wouldn’t protect them from the tornado) as Jonathan does the rescue, refusing Clark’s help, and dying in the process (let’s be honest, with his speed he could probably help them without being seen and without dying in the process)

No, don't save me, it's not like the storm might be the bigger focal point?

Lois returns to her office, having dropped the case, Perry’s annoyed that she leaked her story and we get we see him make a speech about how people will react to the news of aliens being among us (yawn, are we actually gonna meet our villains soon) Clark returns to Martha, happily saying he’s finally found answers (hurray!) We get a brief mention of how he struggled breathing when he was younger, which is a plot point later but can we please get on with something?

At a military compound, we see a space-ship found on satellite heading for Earth. Lois is doing some photo-copying (wow; that 3 weeks suspension has gone fast) it seems the ship has made the news, Clark notices whilst drinking his Budweiser and sees it outside. Suddenly the lights go out, and the TVs and phones start broadcasting a message from Zod, in cr*ppy quality. Zod demands Clark surrender himself or suffer the consequences

Lois is now a target of the FBI, as they trust the word of

#random_dude_that_isn’t_going_to_be_important_in_this_story that she knows where the alien is, she runs off but is eventually caught. As Clark finds religion he flashes back to when another random group of bullies threaten him and he does nothing, despite wanting to hurt them. (This flashback serves so much purpose I can’t even begin to think what it is) he speaks to a priest in the present (because apparently there are no other people he could talk to) revealing everything (do they know his secret or something) he surrenders himself and is greeted by an entire military fleet (why are they wasting their time? He’s surrendering)

 

S means hope? What does T mean?

Lois and Clark (I can’t call him Superman yet) talk and then Clark and the military talk, then… He surrenders himself to Zod but now they want Lois as well, just to keep her in the plot really, there’s really no other reason. So they board Zod’s ship, where Superman has to readjust to Kryptonian atmosphere (Lois has special breathing apparatus) Superman gives the Lois the key thing, as they meet Zod. Superman passes out and wakes up on the farm? Where Zod explains more exposition and how he escaped the Phantom Zone. He says he wants to turn Earth into Krypton, when Kal asks what would happen to the human race, Kal sees a huge number of skulls (yeah, this is the best way to break bad news)

 

No, not skulls, don't show him skulls, we want him to join us! What positive connotation can we can possibly get out of skulls!

Superman wakes up enchained on the ship, as a ship enters towards Kansas. Lois is taken to her own cell and inserts the key into a convenient port in her cell. Dur El somehow use this to take control of the ship’s mainframe and show Lois exactly where to go and teach Lois what needs to be done to stop Zod. Dur-El changes the atmosphere and allows Lois to breathe without the re-breather and for some reason also gives Kal back his strength. No-one seems to be reacting to this new atmosphere. She leaves in an escape pod but it’s damaged. Kal sees Dur-El who exposits a bit more about what destiny he sees for Kal, then shows that Lois is in trouble, and bids Kal to save her.

Stretching his arms out like Jesus, he leaves the ship and flies after Lois, eventually getting her out and protecting her from the explosion (rather than say, flying her away from it) Kal sees something in the corner of his eyes and leaves Lois in the field. Zod and his enforcers find the pod Kal-El came in but find that the codex isn’t inside. Kal breaks Zod through some explosives and through a petrol station (I assume killing anyone nearby) Zod’s re-breather is broken and he begins having sensory overload because of this. (Despite the fact it was sunlight that gave these abilities) meanwhile, Zod’s two enforcers arrive and everyone runs off to shelter, which has no chance of protecting them

 

I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS! I AM JESUS!

The military close in, wanting to use deadly force and tearing up the road. One of the enforcers rips a plane apart but Kal stops the other one from doing the same by bursting her straight into the ihop. The battle ensues, with I can imagine numerous casualties. Superman rescues a guy who fell from the helicopter, despite them trying to shoot him

 

She's behind you!

The two enforcers make short work of the military but Superman defeats them (a lot of military are killed as two planes are blasted into oblivion by their ship) the enforcers are defeated but they escape. With smallville in a pretty bad shape, it’s time to see what damage we can do to Metropolis now, but first a small scene with Clark and Martha, Lois arrives and explains she knows how to stop Zod.

On Zod’s ship, it’s revealed the Codex was bonded with Kal, and that he doesn’t need to be alive for them to extract it. They release the world engine, half toward the south Indian Ocean, the other toward Metropolis of all places. The process begins causing massive damage and people running in the streets and likely being killed (also objects are being moved up and down but no people) also since when are India and Metropolis (which is usually portrayed to be around New York) on opposite ends of the globe, they’re in the same hemisphere! (Edit, it's the Indian Ocean, near Australia, that makes more sense)

 

The power of dubstep works every time

Kal and Lois arrive at the compound, explaining they have a plan, crashing the phantom drive of the shuttle with the phantom drive of the ship/world-builder, would cause a singularity, that would suck the ships into the phantom zone (or something like that) while Superman has to stop the world-builder over the Indian ocean before it does any real damage

Zod manages to quickly adjust his senses to Earth’s atmosphere, so he won’t fall for the same trick again, then enters another command key to delete Dur El’s influence. Kal attacks the world builder but it’s not without defences. (A pin-art desk toy snake) the military try to attack the ship, but the increased gravity is pulling down their missiles, only now does Perry evacuate the building.  (Lucky one of those missiles didn’t hit) as more of Metropolis is destroyed (including two falling buildings) everyone takes the Prometheus school of running away from one of them, whilst the main characters do the sensible thing, of running to the side

Zod finally rids Dur El from the system, Perry tries to rescue Jenny (who’s supposed to be replacement for Jimmy) from under the rubble; nearly getting trapped themselves. Superman fights the world builder and eventually destroys it, stopping the terra-forming process and allowing the military to fire the shuttle at them. After some problems launching it, they eventually launch it and send thee ship into the phantom zone. Zod’s ship is destroyed by Kal, and crashes through Metropolis.

While everything else is being sucked into the black hole somehow Lois is falling, until Kal catches her and brings her into the ruins of Metropolis, they share a kiss (how nice) but Zod’s still out there, and he makes his move, now a desperate man, lacking his purpose, seeking revenge against him. They fight, of course causing a lot of damage, and probably killing a lot of people as well.

 

Guess we weren't done with lens flares on Krypton - I swear since Star Trek... 

They continue their fight, through a lot of undamaged metropolis, which won’t be that way for much longer, until they reach the subway, where people still are for some reason (two guys who can break concrete like cardboard are fighting, I’d prefer a hideout far away rather than underground, just saying) but be that as it may, in the subway, Superman grabs hold of Zod, but Zod aims his heat vision at a family, wanting to save them, Superman begs them to stop but he is eventually left with no choice but to snap his neck. (Despite the several other ways he could’ve stopped them, or the ways the family could’ve save themselves) Superman breaks down at having killed Zod a screams in agony, Lois hugs him.

 

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've stubbed my toe!

Now I know there are two groups of people when it comes to Superman killing. One who says it’s OK since he had no other choice, and the other saying it isn’t good. I tend to fall into the category where I think it’s OK, IF he had no other choice but the circumstances weren’t executed well enough for me to think that he didn’t. The argument that this is what makes him adopt a no killing code, I don’t like.

The consequences of this are entirely ignored, as we cut to later where Superman takes down a drone intending to track him. (Our hero folks) he also explains to Martha how he plans to get a job where he can find out about disasters as they happen (at the daily planet in metropolis of course, and we get introduce to his famous glasses.) and a weird flashback where Clark runs about wearing a cape (another pointless flashback)

Cue end credits, finally

This is guilty of having way too much plot, exposition is thrown out in bucket-loads and it’s not all that interesting. Some of the dialogue is stiff, particularly with Jonathan Kent and Perry White. Speaking of Jonathan Kent, his personality is irritating as hell, usually his parents seem to install morality in him but while Martha really doesn't get any time to advise Clark, Jonathan’s advice doesn't install that morality (like for example him suggesting he LET PEOPLE DIE!!!)

But the main issue is tone. This is the same dark, ultra-realistic tone we saw with the Dark Knight trilogy and it just doesn't work with Superman. This Superman film has no sense of fun and it fails with any attempt at humour, as it’s glossed over too much.

I get why they wanted the flashbacks but few served any purpose to the overall story and added time to what was already an over 2-hour movie

Then we come to the damage – the property damage to Smallville and Metropolis would amount to billions of dollars not to mention hundreds of people probably died in the chaos and it doesn't stop to look at those consequences either, it’s more a ‘I saved the day, so stop trying to track me’ ending. While the ending does establish the characters for future movies, it is sometimes necessary to look at what has happened too.

If you don't know what's going on in this picture, neither do I

The acting is well done, if sometimes over-the-top, the music is nice, if overly repetitive on one particular track, and the special effects are good, if a tad overused.

This film gives me rage issues

Rage Rating 25%

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Images used in this review are from Man of Steel and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.