Guilty Pleasures #4 Stormbreaker

Stormbreaker is one of a series of books written by Anthony Horowitz, one that was adapted for a film of the same name (originally named Alex Ryder: Operation Stormbreaker) the advantage of 6 different production companies and over a dozen distributions did not stop it taking a fall in the box office. Recovering just $23.6 million of its $40 million budget. So where did it all go wrong? It certainly wasn’t lack of promotional material. Hoping for it to be the next billion dollar film series, like Harry Potter was becoming, they had very high profile marketing, in the UK with BBC and ITV appearances.

No, the reviews for this movie are average at best, 5.6 on IDMB, on 33% on rotten tomatoes. But there’s no reason why another book series could rival Harry Potter, let’s dig into Stormbreaker and see why this wasn’t the franchise for it.

Before we begin I’m gonna have to overview, the idea of kids being spies is not new in film. There had already been 3 Spy Kids movies at this point, all of which had been successful in the box office, each making over $100 million gross, and 2 Agent Cody Banks movies, which were less successful, but still made a profit. You could also argue baby geniuses which had also had two films by this time (both of which were box office flops) also covers a similar genre. I’m also covering this like Ender's game, from the perspective of someone who hasn't read the book.

We start in a classroom, full of the average students, who hit people over the head with a magazine for some reason, then we meet our protagonist, Alex Rider. He goes to give a speech about his family, his parents are dead, his uncle is busy, and he has a housekeeper, Jack, who looks after him. Then it begins to give one of those ironic speeches where everything he says is either wrong or right in the wrong context, as we're introduced to his uncle, whose name is… I don’t really care, he’s gonna be dead in a minute (his name’s Ian, but I’m gonna refer to him as the Uncle, as he’ll be dead shortly).

We have a car chase of epic proportions over a beach, with Punch and Judy puppet theatres and everything, the then the lecture ends, a very brief lecture indeed. We then meet our love interest, Sabine, who's in this movie for reasons. Alex then gets a phone call from his Uncle, who's in the process of blowing up bad guys (great time to be using the phone whilst driving) and then a man hangs upside down in a helicopter and kills him. This is when you realise one of the problems, realism is tossed out the window. Perfect shot whilst upside down suspended from a heli-copter.

Yeah... Nice green screen background there

So we get some random shots of London, for no reason (trying to rip off Eastenders?) as the credits roll. We come to Alex riding (get it, his name's Rider) his bike home. In another cliché we get slow-mo swords, trying to make us think Alex is about to be attacked, instead it's just Jack making sushi, she's played by Alicia Silverstone (because once you've done Batman and Robin, there is no place you can go that's lower) but unlike Batman and Robin, they don't try and pass her off as British, she’s American. We also find out Alex can speak fluent Japanese. (Convenient)

They have dinner, with the Uncle still not returning, until all is interrupted by the police, who say that he's dead. At the funeral, the director mentions something about his uncle being a patriot, whilst lots of people are watching around him (well we all know where this is going) John Crawford (played by Jimmy Carr) commiserates Alex and introduces him to Alan blunt, the supposed chairman of the supposed bank, and introduces him to his deputy, Mrs Jones, who for some reason wants to talk to Alex about who’s going to look after him (surely social services rather than MI6/Deputy of a bank)

They return home and find their house has been ransacked, and in a break from realism again, he manages to keep up with not very busy London traffic on his bicycle (all be it with a few convenient shortcuts) to a junkyard, he sneaks in, ignored by a lazy guard, and discovers his Uncle's car, and, of course, the bullet holes. Apparently the car was supposed to have been destroyed two days ago, and leaving his comrade to it, one of our two ransackers is heading to Liverpool street station. Alex is spotted by the guard dog (which is allowed on the site for some reason) and seeks refuge inside the car, which is then picked up to be crushed. Conveniently the computer activates, and gives him escape options, he chooses the ejector seat and once out is spotted and confronted by the workers.

He manages to hold them all off with rope, and then he ties them up, then one of them gets a gun and shoots him (IT'S NOT LEGAL TO CARRY FIREARMS IN THE UK) Alex escapes and ends up at Liverpool Street Station where he spots Jimmy Carr) oh and we finally get a glimpse of our antagonist, as we see an ad for the Stormbreaker. Jimmy Carr enters a photo booth, and a black woman comes out (just an average day, eh Jimmy? Also, that would be awkward if the person wasn't a spy and just wanted photos?) anyway, his chair gets wheeled into roller-coaster tracks. Into a conference room or something

He is greeted by Mrs Jones, who explains this is MI6, and that the uncle worked for him. Mr Blunt proposes that Alex works for them, which he takes well, considering. He refuses, but Mr Blunt explains that his whole life he was being trained, showing footage of his "perfectly executed martial arts moves" (I want a second opinion on that one, how many martial arts involve whipping people in the face with a rope?) and referring to his rock-climbing, and his ability to speak multiple languages.

But when that fails, he explains that Jack's visa ran out 7 years ago, and she's to be prosecuted and deported, unless Alex works for them. So, Alex arrives at the special forces training camp, and of course everyone is older than him, and treat him like sh*t for it. The training begins and on day 9, they deliberately stop his descent down a zipwire, so he lets go and falls into the river, even if that didn't kill him, that would've had to hurt. On day 12 they fail some night exercise, resulting in them being incarcerated in their quarters. Alex notices a chimney and climbs through the fireplace to escape. In a daring attempt to rescue his fellow people (who are suddenly not a**holes) Alex finds a mobile hut, and removes the blocks holding it in place, disengages the break, and lets it fall off a cliff, likely killing everyone inside. Or not, but…

The officer says "he's no child, he's a lethal weapon" (yeah right, quote straight from the book no doubt) and Alex leaves, as he’s apparently ready. So after an emotional goodbye that isn't that emotional, we see that Darius Sale, our primary antagonist, is offering one of his Stormbreaker machines to every school in the country (and they're accepting this gift, without any sort of tests on the product) apparently Mr Blunt doesn't trust because that's their job. They sent Alex's uncle to investigate, and that went so well, they're now sending in a kid. Oh and apparently a virus was mentioned. But they have a better cover story, because Darius Sale offered a prize of a look at the Stormbreaker to one lucky magazine reader (and they'll absolutely not discover his secret agenda at all), and the publishers had edited the picture to be Alex's instead of the real Kevin Blake (that Kevin Blake will surely be p*ssed)

Alex is given reading material so he can be a computer nerd (because reading about computers automatically makes you a nerd) Alex enters Harrods, the toy store, and bumps into Steven Fry

He takes Alex to a lower level or possibly warehouse, and presents him gadgets) a grappling wire, a parachute backpack, a metal dissolving zit cream (because that exists?) a pen that shoots sodium pentathol, which apparently controls their minds. (Isn't sodium pentathol a truth drug) and a Nintendo DS with cartridges for communication, bug finding, and smokescreen, and Mario-Kart.

So, Alex arrives in Cornwall, and meets our secondary protagonist, Nadia. Press and Public Relations (oh deary me) he gets a text message from Sabina that immediately makes her suspicious for some reason. They enter the compound, with way too much security for what this compound's supposed to be (they couldn't be worse, they may as well be pointing a sign at the house saying, we have a secret agenda) Alex eyes up a Portuguese man-o-war, before being truly introduced to Darius Sale. We have a talk which ends with "I'm too young to die" "you're never too young to die" which is another book quote; that really doesn't serve any other purpose. We're introduced to Mr Grim, our tertiary antagonist, who was a circus performer who lost concentration.

 

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

Apparently Nadia is keeping an eye on him through a camera, and is defeated by the age old trick of flicking the camera. Nadia then introduces him to the Stormbreaker. A VR, then he gives a speech that would almost certainly give himself away. Anyway, he gets a VR tour of space with great wisdom like "there's no gravity in space" (hold your applause please) then a satellite comes towards him and  we suddenly cut to Jack laying flowers, the purpose of this scene, yet another trailer quote. "Alex isn't a spy, he’s a fourteen year old kid" said to Mrs Jones, before she gives Jack her permanent visa. (Because you can get those?)

Alex is suddenly in the jungle, wait; it's dinosaur era, he starts whistling and roaring for some reason, before a dinosaur roars in his face for some reason, and he cuts off the Stormbreaker, he runs to a conveniently located lair, where he hears a conversation that will be a plot point later. Meanwhile Nadia notices that he's gone (and left him alone for some reason) Alex is caught by Nadia, and doesn't try and give a reason for why he left.

At dinner, Darrius Sale talks about his origins, he went to school with the Prime Minister (mother of all convenience) Nadia discovers Alex's phone and tracks Alex down to his home. At the Rider household, Nadia has arrived, and Jack blows his cover almost immediately. Then we get a really cool fight scene, mirrored by stuff on TV (if Nadia gets a blow to the head, cut a cat with a lump growing) OK, realism is still out the window, as things break without reasonable force, but… Hell, it's still fun to watch.

At midnight, Alex goes out to investigate, abseiling down the walls using his grappling yo-yo. Alex there discovers our ginger haired quadrary antagonist (??), who's ginger, head of a private security firm which doesn't take failure very well. Alex sends them proof, which should be enough to stop the conference. Nadia tells her findings to Darrius, who orders her to kill him, but Alex overhears. Thanks to some plot convenient sheep, Alex ends up finding the Cornwall ruins his father had once taken pictures of. He descends into the underground caves (?) that lead to a warehouse producing the virus, which is the real thing, R5 apparently, and is about to be introduced into thousands of children (where are the tests for these things)

Alex is captured, but rather than being killed on the spot, he's tied up, and has the whole plan explained to him (another cliché) and we reveal that Darius Sale is totally nuts, killing millions of schoolchildren, because he was bullied at school (because he was foreign) oh frickin goody, it's one of those movies… Also, he's gonna have the Prime-minister, one of the particular bullies, press the trigger in an attempt to discredit him. So, rather than killing him, he leaves Alex in an over-elaborate death trap, and doesn't bother checking to see if he has anything on him. Apparently, despite that rather conclusive evidence, the Prime Minister is ignoring MI6 (good job.) Nadia uses the opportunity of Alex in death trap to show that she’s a paedophile by taking pictures (lovely)

Alex uses the zit cream to escape, and Nadia is err killed in the process? Alex steals a quad-bike and somehow manages to make it to a runway, where Mr Grim is about to take off in a helicopter. As the helicopter closes in, he fires a grappling gun he'd stolen earlier and make it on board, using the fountain pen to control Mr Grim. At the… who cares where, the Prime Minister, played by Hagrid, I mean Robbie Coltrane, is about to set off the Stormbreakers (isn't a little suspicious that the Stormbreakers need to be activated by one man pushing a button rather than say, turning them on, I mean, I know it's supposed to be release the virus, but what's the cover here?) Jack pesters Mr Blunt and Mrs Jones because Alex hasn't returned

Robbie Coltrane gives a speech, as Alex flies over London, and calls him Darius Smell, rather than Sale, because hey, I used to do that in school. Alex drops from the helicopter, whilst Darius gives another ironic speech, Alex drops in and shoots the button before the prime minister can press it. (Because endangering public safety is OK, if you're the good guy) so after a debrief, he and Jack leave, before Alex realises he has a backup plan, where Darius sets off the virus himself. They get stuck in traffic before they discover Sabina having a riding lesson. Wait a minute

 

That's right, you can aim if you're suspended from a parachute

1. This is school hours, how many schools offer riding lessons?

2.  Even if they did, why ride through roads with busy traffic, what little I know about horses tells me that's probably not a good idea.

Anyway, Alex gets onto Sabina's horse, and she breaks off the pack, forgetting any trouble she'd get into, interrupts a Royal precession and gets chased by them briefly, then ride through then traffic filled streets to the building where the backup plan is being initiated. The body-guard is fat, and easily beaten by a schoolboy trick, a kick to the nuts, and is beaten again by Sabina (the same trick no less) Police arrive at the scene as Jack had contacted MI6. Darius attempts to send the signal, but there's power failure, as Alex had unplugged something. Darius confronts Alex with a gun. Sabine also gets caught up in it, but then a helicopter comes around and the ginger assassin kills him. (Huh?)

After Sabine and Alex are saved the ginger assassin (his names Gregorovich, but why should I care) say that Sale had become an embarrassment to the people he works for (I’m sorry, what? YOU WORK FOR HIM, HOW IS HE AN EMBARASSMENT? AND SURELY CUTTING OF THE SECURITY CONTRACT MIGHT'VE BEEN AN EASIER ROUTE) Anyway, Gregorovich leaves, not facing prison, so the only person they could possibly arrest is Mr Grim, as the others are very much dead. We cut to the Ryder school where Alex and Sabina talk, saying how he isn’t a spy, whilst a spy is still watching him (yay for so gonna happen sequels)

Honestly, this is not a bad movie. The plot's a bit thin, some of it's quite predictable, and it does fall into a few clichés, but I suspect most of it comes from the material it's adapting, rather than the screenplay. I will say the action scenes aren't very realistic, and that’s probably its biggest problem, a spy movie really needs to feel real (which is why I don't like Spy Kids 3 particularly) and this just felt a little cartoony (particularly when it comes to the motivation of villain, and Gregoravich's convenient change of heart) Why did it fail as a franchise? I don’t know. There is such a thing as over-marketing, where there''s so much marketing for something, it becomes overrated before it even comes out, and the mixed-negative critical reception probably didn't help.

I have no complaints about the acting, I don't think Robbie Coltrane was the best choice for Prime-Minister, but given his role, that's a minor issue. I think it's a culmination of small factors that lead to the downfall of this movie, rather than any particular factor, which is a crying shame, because movies like this do have potential.

Rage Rating -99%

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Images used in this review are from Stormbreaker and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.