Sounds
perfect.
Malibu
Rescue is a Netflix attempt at a live action sitcom aimed at younger audience.
Think Even Stevens or basically any Disney sitcom. They’ve released a season of
8 episodes, and man is it stupid, but today we’re gonna talk about the 1-hour Netflix
film that kicks it off.
We open with
DNCE’s Cake by the Ocean… in case you didn’t realise where the main location
was gonna be. We’re shown Malibu beach and cut to the Valley where we meet the
main protagonist, Tyler. He is, say it with me, “a screw up who needs to learn
some responsibility.”
We see a
litter picker picking up the litter, only for everyone to throw away their
papers as they leave. Tyler is skateboarding, despite skateboarding not being
allowed until random jerk trips him up and the guard does nothing. Wanting
revenge, he places a mint into his fizzy drink causing it to explode all over
his car. There’s a chase and we continue our running gag with the litter
picker. Hey, Tyler, leave school grounds, but of course he’s not that smart and
heads towards the buildings for no real reason. Somehow the security guard gets
in front of him and he face-plants into the side of her car. And she’s had
enough, especially when the skateboard falls out of a tree and through her car
window. Incidentally that doesn’t exactly prove that he wasn’t skating but
that’s by the by.
Let’s start
with obvious problems. She’s campus security, she doesn’t have any legal
authority and the school can’t punish kids over the summer holidays. This
entire premise makes no sense. We’re introduced to Tyler’s father, Roger Gossard,
who’s using a spirit level to ensure all his trophies are level. Sounds like a
rational character to me.
And we meet
Diane, who is a vlogger… This is never brought up in the main series. And we
have a bratty sister as well. I’ll give them credit that her character is
neither a loveable know-it-all stick in the mud nor the ever-annoying brat that
I’ve seen in other films. Apparently, Tyler is being accused of vandalising a
police car? What? One: not police, Campus security; two: it’s not vandalism, he
didn’t throw the skateboard onto the car, and the guard knows this! Maybe she’s
referring to the bully’s car, for which you could definitely argue vandalism,
but that’s not a police car either!
The father
decides he needs straightening out, and relating to his own experiences thinks
that spending the summer as Junior Rescue would help. I know he sounds like an
utter prick when he says this, but his actual logic is pretty sound and it
would actually be more helpful than litter picking outside the school might be.
Tyler is
happy at the idea of spending the summer at the beach. So the next morning he’s
packed ready to go to the beach, including wearing flippers and a pink flamingo
rubber ring, as you do. And we’re introduced to Vooch, the bus driver and by
far and away, the best thing about Malibu Rescue. Tyler and he apparently have
some history… I feel this review will get flagged for something if I speculate
any further on that.
Following on
behind is Eric, who misses the bus and follows it the whole way on his bike.
Next we have Gina, who’s sarcasm is completely lost on Vooch, she eats Eggs on
the bus. There must other ways to get protein but…. Next up is Lizzy, and her
overprotective mother, can’t wait for that to be explored in an episode.
As Gina
chugs a gallon of chocolate milk; I don’t care what protein shake that is, it
can’t be good for you, Lizzy shows off her slightly demented edge. And we get a
burp joke, couldn’t let that one slide. And we get Cake by the Ocean again,
because clearly they bought the rights to this one song and want to make it
worth it.
The gang
arrive, with Eric not far behind them. A woman crashes her moped into the trash
and Tyler comes to help in a flirtatious manner, she leaves him to do the work
and a kid chucks away half a bar of chocolate. This kid will be another running
gag and I can’t wait to spoil the twist because it’s bloody brilliant.
Before long
we’re introduced to Brody, he’ll be an ‘antagonist’ for this film and the first
episode of the show. Spencer and Logan are also there. Logan gets a bit more to
do near the end of the show, but Spencer, nada! Eric informs Tyler that they’re
at the training stage, there’s a big test at the end that if they pass, they
will become official Junior Rescue. Maybe it’s just me but I find Brody’s drill
sergeant routine here hilarious.
OK, so the
reason for the conflict is the general hatred of people from the Valley. It
never goes any deeper than that. Anyway, the training begins and Tyler
naturally gets sand in his face a lot, plus provides a new meaning to the word 'sandwich'.
Remember the
girl who knocked over the bin earlier, her name is Dylan and she’s one of the
trainers, and she’s a bit ditzy, relying on cue cards. Anyway, it’s a swim test
and Gina is very excited as she’s on a swim team, supposedly. They all race
into the water and Gina is coughing for a good chunk of it.
That’s the
end of day 1, and we end with the introduction to another ‘antagonist’ in
Garvin Cross. More on him later. Tyler returns home to ask his step-father to
allow him to quit which of course he refuses. His sister points out she got out
of ballet by biting someone, prompting Tyler to try a similar approach.
On Day 2,
the new recruits are split up into smaller teams, each with a lifeguard leading
them. Dylan is put in charge of the Valley group. They’re called the Flounders.
Tyler starts his day of sabotage by rigging their CPR dummy to make fart noises
whenever Dylan applies chest compressions. This is done via a whoopee cushion,
which is confusing as hell, a whoopee cushion doesn’t self-inflate, how did it
not run out of air, and thus the ability to make noise after the first
compression?
Next up on
the stupid pranks, Tyler covers some flotation devices in baby oil. The kid
from earlier for no reason at all is suddenly behind him with another bottle of
baby oil which she stole from the mother who had it for some reason and soaks
him with it. This is so random I can’t help but laugh. Finally, he destroys
Brody’s chair by removing the screws so he’d fall off it into the sand.
He’s sent to
Garvin, who’s more concerned about Dylan needing to step up than anything Tyler
has done directly. Garvin tells Tyler that he actually doesn’t want people from
the Valley in his Junior Rescue programme but has been forced to by the Mayor.
His actions only destroy the reputation of the Valley and could stop them
passing the crucible, the final test.
Congratulations,
dumbass, you’ve revealed your ‘evil’ plan to the one person who’s actions you
rely on being normal. After repairing the chair, Tyler notices a hand floating
out in the water. He and Lizzy quickly get to work but Gina seems petrified of
the water now. They manage to get him out, but it turns out it’s a practice
dummy, one of the ones they were doing CPR on earlier. It’s that kid again. The
resulting humiliation weighs heavily on Dylan.
And so ends
day 2, with most of the cast kinda depressed when Vooch comes to take them home
in his dodgy bus. Speaking of the bus being dodgy, we get a breakdown scene so
our leads can all talk out their problems. Vooch says it’ll be 20-30 minutes
but it’s dark in the next scene and he’s still saying that so…
It’s time
for Tyler to come clean about his motivations, and really would’ve been a good
time to explain the Garvin’s ‘evil’ plan. Anyway, given… that, Tyler apologises
for his actions. And all is forgiven… Vooch is suddenly there, the bus had been
repaired for like half an hour. Vooch… what the hell?
Dianne is
doing a vlog about turning underwear into handbags. How broke do you have to be
before that option crosses your mind? It’s men’s underwear too, what in the hell? Cut to day 3, Tyler stops Dylan crashing into the trash can, is that
like something she does every day and affirms to her his renewed commitment.
Meanwhile the kid, Jeffy, is hiding in some rubber rings. Hijinks no doubt to
follow.
Strength
training, first aid, and other activities follow and Tyler does his best in all
of them, even apparently studying the lifeguard training manual at home, all
whilst that laughable stop motion crab lingers about. They’re just about ready
for the Crucible, the big test they’re preparing for, the winning team will get
the best tower on the beach, Tower One. Turns out Tyler isn’t actually reading
the manual, he just finds the weight comforting, go figure.
Brody and
his bullies show up and it inspires Tyler to want to beat them and get tower
one, this is of course met with laughter, but they all agree to try. Brody
reports their progress to Garvin, who wants the Flounders dealt with, so they
can’t show them up on the Crucible. Garvin approaches Tyler and gives him the
option to walk away, but Tyler turns now him down and he’s left with a face
full of smoke.
We get a
lowdown of the crucible, a boat race, an open-water rescue, a half-mile swim, a
backward carry and a race on the ATVs. The ATV is the focus of their session
today, unfortunately Brody comes up to them and goads Tyler into a race. This
cannot end well, and Eric echoes my sentiments. The race takes them across the
beach, through meditators and even off Malibu beach. Brody is able to stop in
time, but Tyler crashes into a sand-sculpting competition. And who should be
on the beach but the security guard from the opening, oh come on!
Garvin kicks
him out for this. And he frankly has every right to, something I will get back
to in a moment because of course they’re going to find some contrived loophole
here. Dianne has a talk about him giving his father a chance, and this is such
a minor subplot I’ve barely mentioned it till now, also Roger is an asshole so
he has every right. Tyler’s back to trash duty, and the guy in charge has put
extra trash out so he doesn’t get bored.
Eric spies
on Brody and company from a portaloo, and here’s Brody confess that he set
Tyler up by goading him into the race. Well, no sh*t, what did you think
happened? You were all there!? Here’s the thing, Garvin wanted a reason to kick
him out, he already had the chair incident among other things, he could’ve just
changed his mind.
“Guys guys
guys, you’ll never believe what I just heard in the bathroom”
There are
several wrong conclusions they could jump to right now. Also, like previously
mentioned, this is less a twist more a ‘if you didn’t notice this the first
time, get your ears checked’
Tyler has
just finished with the rubbish when Vooch drives straight into the bin,
knocking it over. They tell him he was set up and… do I even have to say it
again? If Tyler didn’t realise this, I’ve lost hope in all of them. And now
Tyler mentions the whole, Garvin wanting them to fail bit he really should’ve
mentioned at the camp fire.
And time for
the asspull that pulls Tyler’s ass out of the fire. The competition he crashed
into was in Santa Monica, not Malibu, as Vooch handily points out, therefore
it’s out of Garvin’s jurisdiction. Now let me point out the reasons why this is
wrong
- It was still a Malibu beach buggy, which was used for a purpose outside of its intended use
- The lifeguards from Santa Monica likely complained, giving Garvin reason to act
- They still
represent Malibu, even if they’re in Santa Monica
- This is not a legal effort; Garvin can kick him out for any reason he wants
But yay,
Tyler can come back, I guess… And just in time for the crucible. After we see
the other teams performing warm up exercises, we see Garvin give his speech and
wonder where the Flounders are. The Mayor arrives and is shortly followed by
the Flounders, including Tyler. Garvin points out, correctly, that it’s his
programme and he can do whatever he wants, of course, with the Mayor right
behind him, he concedes to allow Tyler to take part. Thus, rendering the last
10 minutes or so utterly pointless.
Dylan’s
forgotten the cue cards she’s been using throughout and being the total mess
that she is, begins to break down until Tyler calms her down. The race begins,
and they’re quickly in the boats, and somehow they’re the first in the water,
despite several other teams getting to the boats first. Brody’s team, the Dogfish manage to take the lead and begin the rescue. The dogfish cement their
lead with the underwater rescue but the flounders aren’t far behind.
Gina
prepares for the swim but here admits that she’s not actually on the team, she
was at junior school but everyone was bigger and better when she got to high
school. This was something that was blatantly obvious every time there was a
swimming stage. Tyler helps inspire her, but she’s already 45 seconds behind 2
other teams. She makes this up in a matter of seconds, where was this the last
2 swim sessions?
Next up is
the backward carry to the first aid station, where the AMVs await, Tyler gets
going but the Dogfish somehow manage to overtake him. Jeffy’s mom stops the Flounders in
their tracks for a plot twist that will get actively dumber the more we know
about it. Jeffy was playing around in the boats and has drifted out into open
water. There are senior lifeguards you could be telling this, or literally
anyone who’s not driving an AMV.
Tyler
convinces the others to help him, as the engine in the boat breaks and Jeffy is
en-route to the jetty. Tyler, Gina and Eric head out to intercept him in
another boat, whilst Lizzy and Dylan prepare to perform first aid on the beach.
That’s flimsy justification for the need for all 5 of them. Tyler jumps onto
Jeffy’s boat and, unable to kill the engine, jumps off as the boat crashes into
the exploding barrels that are around for some reason. Guess I know where the
budget went.
Tyler
somehow lost Jeffy but Eric’s diving skills help them out, with Gina abandoning
the boat to help for some reason. They retrieve him and quickly get back to
shore. Thanks to Dylan and Lizzy’s first aid, Jeffy’s gonna be fine. Lizzy says
she’s glad her mom didn’t see this. Lizzy, you didn’t partake in the dangerous
bit. The Dogfish win the Crucible, and somehow that means it’s all over despite
no other team having finished and them being in second somehow according to
their little chart, yeah, I don’t buy that either.
Want to know
the payoff for the crab in Tyler’s house. Tyler puts it in Brody’s shorts. Wow,
lame! OK, so turns out Jeffy is the Mayor’s son. Now, I would think that if the
Mayor’s son was in any kind of danger, the Mayor could stop the f*cking race!
The Mayor insists they get a tower, and with the crowd behind him, Garvin gives
them Tower 2 but warns Tyler one slip-up and he’s gone. Spoiler alert, Tyler
will slip up on multiple occasions during the show and won’t be gone.
They’re
given their official junior rescue and do the classic slow-mo run that’s
associated with life guards for some reason.
And that was
our introduction to Malibu rescue. Is it good, no? But it’s entertaining.
The plot is
bad, like really really bad, the characters are morons, the motivations are
pathetic and there the are giant chasms of plot holes. But Malibu Rescue is not
a serious story, it’s a TV-movie piloting a sitcom so the most important thing is that
it’s funny
And
honestly, it’s pretty damn funny, with a good mixture of clever dialogue,
visual gags, over the top acting, random-ness, character quirks, and the occasional
bit of slapstick. It’s hard to truly analyse the comedy without spoiling all
the good jokes but I laughed a lot when I first watched through this series.
As for the
show itself, it’s fairly clear the show ran out of ideas early on with later
episodes going truly bizarre but the humour remains a consistent positive. I
may end up doing a retrospective on those 8 episodes in the future but for now:
Malibu rescue is a dumb but fun comedy.
Rating -134%
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