#76 - Mary Poppins Returns

Wow, have I really not done a Rage review in 2020 yet? (Yes, but Crimes of Grindelwald was originally planned as a 2019 review)

Let’s fix that, shall we, hello Mary Poppins Returns, aren’t you just a prime candidate

Yes, both my rage reviews this month are gonna be of Disney Films, both of which came out in December, though of different years, want to guess what the other one is?

It’s no secret that PL Travers, the writer of the Mary Poppins Books was no fan of the film. There had been talks about a sequel but Travers and Disney had very different ideas for it, so the idea laid on the shelf until well after Travers’ death. But this is Disney in the late 2010's, taking off old properties, giving them a lick of paint and then presenting them as something new is the norm, and sequels are more prevalent than they were in the early 2000's. So naturally a sequel to Mary Poppins was inevitable.

And naturally, it made money, because unless Tim Burton is involved in some capacity, all of the 2010's Disney sequels and remakes made money. No, I’m not bitter at all, why would you think that? The Tim Burton Dumbo sucked too, by the way, we’ll get to that at some point 

But why is this film the one that ignites my rage, let’s take a look

OK, I’m just gonna come out and say that I have a lot to praise about this film, it’s not the whole product that’s the problem, it’s Disney after all, the problem comes from certain choices that were made in the narrative and a lack of risk taking which is also very much Disney.

We’re quickly introduced to Burt, sorry I mean Jack, he’s a chimney sweep, I mean lamp lighter. And we get our first song. The first song in the original kinda set the mood that change was afoot and things were about to be shook up. Underneath the Lovely London Sky is not that, aside from visiting some story locations, it doesn’t do much to set the story or mood up. It’s fairly stock and generic. I’ll admit, it’s not a bad song and Lin Manuel Miranda clearly has some singing talent, despite also suffering from a bit of the Disney autotune.

Oh god, the Admiral’s still about? Really? There was a running gag in the original where Admiral Boom, the next-door neighbour to the Banks Family and someone clearly suffering from some sort of PTSD, shoots a cannon from his roof every hour, causing the whole house to shake. This was barely funny in the original film and I can’t believe this of all things is carried over. No sign of George or Winifred Banks, they’re presumably dead so why isn’t the Admiral by now?

We get picture paintings over the opening credits, this worked better with Burt who was a street painter but that’s not the main problem. The problem is it invokes serious spoilers for the plot to come, this was less a problem in the original because the story had much smaller stakes and the characters were the main focus, that’s not the case here.

As for time period, we’re told we’re in the days of “The Great Slump” which is referring to the economic downturn in the late 1920's into the 1930's, that’s a big period of history, they could be a little more specific. I mean we’re told it’s 1910 specifically in the original. So, what’s Admiral Boom up to these days, he’s complaining that Big Ben isn’t chiming at the right time. Prepare the wall from when we find out what that’s actually telegraphing.

So, we’re in the Banks’ household, which incidentally looks nothing like the Banks household of old, what’s with all the red, and it’s fallen into a bit of disarray, with the sink ‘exploding’ and not for the first time. Wait, Ellen’s still working there? WHAT TIME IS IT!? It’s Michael’s house now, nice to know the family left so little to Jane, but she’s there anyway because of convenience. Rather than call the plumber herself, because she’s an adult, she allows the children to call the plumbers whilst she goes off to do… something?

There’s a loud knocking at the door, 2 Lawyers hammering a repossession notice on the door. But before we get to that, let’s see where we are with Jane and Michael. Jane is working with the unions because that’s what her mother would do and Michael is a complete and utter mess. Want to know about the personalities of the children? I certainly do. I’ve watched the movie twice and I’m still struggling to figure that out, the two older children blend together and the younger is one the same but more naïve.

Anyway, Michael took out a loan with the bank, using the house as collateral, but he’s fallen 3 months behind and now the Bank is demanding it be paid in full or they’ll repossess the house. So bank is once again fulfilling the role as the antagonist of the film, we’ll get to that later, but for now, Michael being bad with money somewhat confuses me. I know George Banks did change over the course of the first film, but I have a hard time buying he wouldn’t teach money management to his son at SOME POINT. Even if Michael doesn’t work in accounting, working in a bank in general ought to help with this necessary life skill. 

And I guess there had to be a dead mother involved here somewhere, wouldn’t be Disney without it. Jane mentions that they were left shares in the Bank thanks to George but they need to find the share certificate and…

Now time for Admiral Boom to fire his cannon, marking the end of this encounter and your children’s attention span, no doubt. Why were they hammering in a repossession notice onto his door if they didn’t intend to repossess it right away, now you’ve just damaged someone else’s property, idiots! Anyway, arbitrary deadline set, time to go share searching. But first, the kids haven’t left yet because they still need grocery money.

I haven’t actually introduced the kids properly yet, have I? There’s Anabel (Pixie Davies), John (Nathaniel Saleh) and Georgie (Joel Dawson)

Not that one though, strange how both IT adaptions got more character out of their Georgies in 5 minutes than this one gets in 2 hours. As they leave, Ellen remarks what little grownups they’ve become. Yeah, they were doing more to fix the leak than the actual adults were. This of course is the crux of their supposed arc, that they’re kids being forced to act like adults by a father who is in too much of a mess to be the responsible adult of the family.

In the park, we get some foreshadowing involving balloons, Georgie’s told to keep off the grass, and the other two discuss the house issue. We return to Michael, as it’s time for his character song. It’s barely even a song, and it establishes nothing we didn’t already know, it can be easily skipped. You’d think George Banks would keep his share documents somewhere safe. Looks like Michael’s given up on his dream of being an artist, and throws away much of his old work, including their old kite. I will have some things to say about this later, but what’s important for now is they can’t find the share certificate.

The kite gets blown away, right past Jack who decides to follow it because… The kit passes Georgie and because he’s suddenly obsessed with it, he chases after it, the other two try to follow but the park ranger calls them off the grass. Georgie grabs the kite and flies it for a bit (so much for the kite not being able to fly anymore) but the wind threatens to overwhelm him. Let go, Georgie! Seriously, why doesn’t he just let it go?

 

Yes, I know, I’m a terrible person. Thankfully, because Georgie insists on being a moron, Jack arrives to help him, the clouds part and on the kite descends a familiar face, but a new actor. Mary Poppins has finally returned. She goes instantly to berating the older kids, that’s one way to teach them to stop behaving like mini-adults and embrace having fun again. Jack knows Mary Poppins because he was Burt’s apprentice, are you serious? It’s inbreeding almost as bad as Star Wars.

I guess groceries are for chumps anyway, as Mary Poppins leads them straight home, saying the Banks are once again in need of a Nanny.

And we get lip-service to the idea that this Jane and Michael are the same Jane and Michael from the original. Michael’s told to shut his mouth, and Jane is chastised for giggling. How very deep. And we get the usual Mary Poppins shtick where she denies any of the mystical things we see her do, Jane and Michael believe their misadventures with Mary Poppins were in fact products of their own imagination.

So, Mary Poppins' terms: she wants her old room, which won’t look like her old room because this house looks nothing like it did in the original and she wants her every other Tuesday off, which I don’t think factors into the plot at all. Michael is about to turn her down, citing his lack of being able to afford a nanny, but Jane decides on his behalf to have her on, then you should be paying her then Jane.

OK, one positive of this film, I do like Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins, she’s a bit more stern than the Julia Andrews version but she toes the line between stern and kind well enough and she gets easily the best dialogue of the film.

Bath time, and time for a song that’s basically the entire arc in a nutshell. Can You Imagine That is a decent song, the Mary Poppins twist on bath-time is a welcome one, using CGI to create a world within the bathtub. It’s a bit gimmicky, and it’s still no match for ‘a spoonful of sugar’ but it’s solid both as a song and a set-piece. 

Naturally they go down to tell Jane and Michael about their adventures, which of course Mary Poppins denies. With the search for the certificate unsuccessful, Jane suggests they might have more luck checking George’s safety deposit box in the Bank, they go to find the key as Mary Poppins tidies up the mess they left behind. Georgie is tasked with taking out some old drawings, but stumbles upon one that catches his eye, it catches ire from me but more on that later.

No luck in the safety deposit box, which contained nothing of value which makes me wonder why it was in a safety deposit box at a bank. Jane suggests they try speaking with the new head of the Bank, the nephew of Mr Dawes Jr, William Wilkins (Colin Firth) and they ask whether he might have some record regarding the shares. He calls for the ledger, but seems to find nothing and can’t delay the deadline because of reasons. Of course, when they leave, he tears out the page containing George Banks’ name and throws it into the fire.

So, this moves the Bank from an antagonist to the actual villain. Are you serious? Just to be clear, an antagonist is an obstacle for the main character, a villain is someone who does bad stuff. The two can be synonymous but they are not always. In the original, the Bank were the antagonists, but they were not villains, they did nothing untoward to the main characters without good reason, but served as an obstacle for the Banks family to overcome. Putting the Bank as the villain is not a great move as this franchise does not need that, but the fact is they’re not going to follow through on this because it’s Disney.

Back at home, John goes to help Ellen with the dishes and she suggests selling valuable items to pay back the loan. This gives John an idea. Georgie is fixing the kite using the picture he stowed away earlier as John suggests his idea of selling their Royal Doulton bowl to pay off the debt. I don’t think, even with its credentials, it would make nearly enough, Annabeth is the idiot here, and Mary Poppins is distracted by Jack who’s conveniently right outside. Apparently, he has a bit of a thing for Jane. Georgie sees what they’re doing and charges in without context. The resulting argument results in the bowl being broken.

Time for another hybrid animated adventure, with Jack along for good measure. I guess the transportation also gave them new costumes. I’ll give it this, the animation is nice and clean, the visual style is unique and they use CG creatively to account for the roundness of the bowl. They take a journey to the Royal Doulton Music Hall, with a wolf voiced by Colin Firth. The song that accompanies this is totally skipable.

Jack is now the host, and introducing Mary Poppins, she says she hasn’t sung in years despite her next number being her third song in this film. A Cover is Not a Book, a song about seeing things from a different point of view. It’s quite a good song, Emily Blunt does a decent accent and Lin Manuel Miranda gets a decent solo.

Of course, the message is somewhat undercut by the chase scene that follows with Colin Firth’s wolf serving as the villain, and the fact that this message has nothing to do with anything. Again, this scene is visually creative but it’s not interesting and feels really out of place for a Mary Poppins film. It doesn’t help that it ends rather abruptly with Georgie waking up.

Speaking of abrupt, we hear Georgie saying he misses his mum, and Mary Poppins sings another song which will have more thematic relevance later. Where the Lost Things Go is definitely one of the better songs. Mary promises to take the bowl to her cousin to get it mended. In one of things that feels very lifted from the books, John and Anabelle notice a detail that confirms their adventure really happened but choose not to tell.

The next morning, Jane and Jack bump into each other and thanks to Mary Poppins, the two start to talk. Michael’s in a rush and leaves without his briefcase, Mary takes it to bring to him later as she heads out with the children. Jack is there to help, providing the 4 of them a lift on his bicycle. Mary’s cousin Topsy (Meryl Streep) is their next target and she’s having a bit of an episode, the accent’s supposed to be real though.  The room turns upside down, and now they’re all walking on the ceiling, sound familiar?

Anyway, the next song Turning Turtle, another song about seeing things from a different point of view. I wouldn’t mind this, but it doesn’t factor into the story in any significant way. Of course, it’s also sung by Meryl Streep doing a terrible accent so that doesn’t help. I like the set and how it’s used in the song choreography. Topsy unfortunately confirms that the bowl isn’t particularly valuable.

En-route to the bank, they bump into Jane, so that Jane and Jack can have some moments together, whilst Mary and the children pop off to the bank. Mary’s busy putting up with sexism and looking at herself in the mirror whilst the children head to confront the Lawyers, hoping to convince at least one of them to help. Turns out Wilkins really wants 10 Cherry Tree Lane for some reason. There’s a guy next door that shoots a cannon every hour, even in middle class London suburbs, I imagine that has an impact on its value.

They see the shadow of Wilkins swinging the pocket watch and decide immediately that he’s evil, so much for seeing things from a new point of view. Of course, they’re right, which makes these songs even more pointless. Georgie charges in but this only alerts Wilkins to the fact they’re there and have been watching. They run to Michael but Wilkins twists the story, and subtly threatens Michael’s job. He promises to Michael that he’ll stay in his office till the last stroke of Midnight because Bankers do that 

They head down a dark alley, and because Mary Poppins is a sh*t nanny, get themselves lost. Thankfully Jack is there and it’s that time, time for an overly long and choreographed routine about lamp-lighting. *Yawns* wake me up when it’s over.

 

There’s a whole bit about cockney rhyming slang, why? The main thrust of the number takes place somewhere that looks too much like a stage, and not like a place that actually exists. It’s got decent choreography, but Stepping Time managed to do both, and still felt shorter than this. Michael is on the verge of a mental breakdown over everything. So naturally it’s time for a reprisal of Where the Lost Things Go.

The 4 embrace and Mary Poppins leaves a few words of wisdom. Still, those words ain’t saving the house. It’s Friday evening, and they’re leaving, with Jack and the Lamplighters providing assistance for some reason. Don’t they have some lamps to light or something? They’re leaving the house and somehow 6 people are gonna be staying in Jane’s flat, go figure how that works. Georgie heads off to find his kite, and when he returns Michael discovers that the picture Georgie used to patch it is in fact the share certificate.

Bring in the Brick wall! I don’t know where to start with this twist. Michael seriously drew on the back of a shares certificate? He then left it in a place where it could be confused with scrap paper? This reflects so badly on both of them. I know Michael was hardly the brightest kid in the original, but that was upward of 20 years ago, he should know better than this.

Anyway, with the arbitrary deadline fast approaching, Mary Poppins promises to help the children turn back time whilst Jane and Michael get to Bank and by now you’ve probably guessed what Admiral Boom’s thing was about. Now you’ve just got to wait through this stupid climax to get to it, it’s not worth it, I promise you.

The Lamplighters get onto the church roof, and begin climbing the tower to the clock. Hey, Mary Poppins, why don’t you just use your flying umbrella? Jack makes a decent effort but even with an inventive trick or two he only manages to dim the lights. So Mary finally remembers she has a flying umbrella and does the job herself, why were the Lamplighters necessary? Anyway, they bought Jane and Michael about 5 minutes, so the lawyers are sent to delay them because apparently repaying the loan is bad? This is dumb, and boring.

Remember the climax to the original, the long slow walk of Mr Banks to the Bank, knowing his job is likely lost? It’s such an emotional and impactful scene. This, in comparison, is trite, it tries to be bigger but bigger doesn’t mean better, we don’t have the emotional attachment to these characters, aside from Nostalgic ties to Jane and Michael.

Now, they need to find every piece but there’s a bit missing, rendering the share document completely worthless. Uh huh, sure. It’s here where Michael can see Wilkins’ true colours. But the day is saved by a deus ex-cameo. This is lazy, and I don’t care that Dick Van Dyke is back, sure he’s playing a character from the original, but he didn’t play him in the original, and also should probably be dead in another confusing game of WHAT TIME IS IT?? He berates his nephew for extorting his customers and kicks him out. See children, it’s not the banking system that’s the issue, it’s just the odd person inside it. Now go spend the money in your parents’ banks on DVD's and merch like good little corporate shills.

Anyway, just to compound how much of a dues ex-machina this is, turns out that when George invested Michael’s tuppence all those years ago, it’s now matured into a sum that can pay off his debt without having to worry about shares. How convenient. He reprises Trip a Little Light Fantastic for some reason.

So with that matter closed, it’s time for some balloons in the park. This is another bit that goes on a bit too long. They buy balloons and fly into the air, as Michael remembers that it was all real with Mary Poppins. Soon the whole town or at least the important ones, except Wilkins, is up in the air. Mary Poppins gets the final balloon, realising it’s her cue to leave as she sees the door open; the metaphor is a bit forced, gotta be honest. Marry opens her umbrella and flies away, without saying a word.

Jack promises never to forget and we roll credits.

So that was Mary Poppins Returns and man is this is a disappointment

The original is a Disney Classic but this is, it’s bad. It tries too hard to emulate the original, to the point where it’s structured in a eerily similar way but instead of telling a simple, character-focused story, it tells a ludicrous, boring and unsatisfying story of finding share documents in a bank.

Jane and Michael are barely recognisable from who they were, I don’t mind this, it has been 20 years but I feel a little bit of explanation of how we got from one part to the next would’ve been nice. I do think it’s the unfortunate that Michael’s arc is almost entirely centred around a dead woman, and Jane’s around finding the love of a man. I guess her union stuff gives her a little more personality but it never amounts to anything.

The biggest problem is the children though, it’s through their eyes we see the world but their characters are so indistinct, you have to wonder why they bothered with 3. They needed that scene with Mary Poppins and the personality tape-measure, perhaps something could’ve been drawn from them.

The songs are decent, the musical choreography is decent and the animation is as good as you’d expect with Disney involved. Problem is, it’s not ground-breaking anymore, we’ve all seen live action/CG hybrids before.

Jack is Burt in all but profession, but his profession isn’t quite as malleable as Burt’s was, so him showing up all the time makes a lot less sense.

Rating 50%