#12 All-Star Batman and Robin #9

For those that don't know my history with comic books, which is everyone since I've never mentioned it before, I started out reading a magazine called Batman Legends that collected 2-3 issues of Batman related material into a single volume. A few issues into this magazine a comic was printed called All Star Batman and Robin #5. And I hated it, sure I kept buying the magazine for the other issues (I wasn't even aware of my local comic store, and the appearances of trades in book shops was fairly new) issues 5-9 were printed in the magazine with issues 1-4 printed prior to me picking up the book.

All Star Batman and Robin is written by Frank Miller, known for fantastic works of Batman such as The Dark Knight Returns and Batman: Year One, and sh*t works of Batman such as The Dark Knight Strikes Again. The art is done by veteran Jim Lee, who produces some fantastic art, but he's not particularly quick and the series was plagued with delays. Issue #10 ended on a cliff-hanger, with a new series Dark Knight: Boy Wonder supposedly to be released to finish the story. This has yet to come out, and the blame lies, by his own admission, entirely with Jim Lee. Jim Lee was beginning working on projects with decent writers like Geoff Johns and Scott Snyder. (Although you could argue DC editorial decided it was too sh*t to send out)

If you're wondering why I'm not reviewing back-issues of this comic. It's quite simple, Linkara has already covered them. And while I'm certain he'll do a much more thorough and much funnier review of this issue than I do, I have nothing else to say that he hasn't already. Besides so little happens in 8 issues it's barely worth me going back.

Previously on All-Star Batman and Robin. Bruce Wayne is terrorising Gotham criminals as the goddamn Batman, but has he gone too far? (Yes he has) When Dick Grayson (age 12)'s parents were murdered, the goddamn Batman took him in, but now Green Lantern wants to find out where Grayson (age 12) has gone.

That is the summary of the events from the actual book with a few references from the comic added in (goddamn Batman, Dick Grayson (age 12)) here's mine. A psychotic maniac who thinks he's the goddamn Batman has been terrorising Gotham Criminals and beating them to near death. When Dick Grayson (age 12)'s parents were murdered. The goddamn Batman abducts him and spends the best part of a month driving him to the Batcave. One there he tried to force Dick Grayson (age 12) to eat rats whilst he searched for his parents' killer. Once found he puts the killer in front of Dick Grayson (age 12) who attacks him with an axe, and reveals that the Joker (who is everything the Joker shouldn't be) is behind it.

In case you're wondering, next to nothing I just mentioned is addressed in this issue. Neither are the irritating Batgirl or Black Canary sub-plots that are entirely uninteresting. The Justice League consisting of Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and Plastic Man (because when you think Justice League, you think Plastic Man) decide they want to take him down (or in Wonder Woman’s case, take him out) and Green Lantern is sent to talk to him before they resort to such action. Green Lantern gets the goddamn Batman's attention and Green Lantern, being more of an idiot than usual, agrees to talk in a location of the goddamn Batman’s choosing.

One thing I like about this magazine, we get some side-panels detailing the main characters

Batman – You know who he is? He's the goddamn Batman

Green Lantern – Hal Jordan's Power Ring has one major weakness, the colour yellow

Robin – 12-year Old Dick Grayson has joined Batman's war on crime 

 

Batman has gone completely yellow against Hal

We open in entirely yellow room, with Batman and Hal Jordan facing off. Batman is also painted yellow (and I mean entirely, his costume, his face, his teeth) Batman goes on about how he's awesome and Hal's an idiot (because ego is what makes the best superheroes – says ONLY Frank Miller!) Saying that is he had the ring he'd send tidal waves to knock out enemy fleets and bring ‘real firepower’ to a ground war or too. Here we have an example of Miller's own political ideologies seeping through onto the page. I don't care what universe he's from BATMAN WOULD NOT BE SO SIMPLISTIC ABOUT WAR!! There are a lot of factors to consider in a war. Religious, socio-economic etc.

Anyway he continues his talk about how he's great and Green Lantern's an idiot with a stupid weakness. Which he exploited by having Robin paint the entire room of his safe-house yellow. Our hero, he makes a 12 year old boy do all the work for him. Anyway, Green Lantern states that he's up against problems he can't imagine. The goddamn Batman then lists all of them, including listing the members of the justice league. Green Lantern says

“The fact is, you're scaring people” to which the goddamn Batman responds;

“Why the hell to you think I dress up like a goddamn bat?” (I'd like to meet one of these ‘goddamn bats someday) he continues

“I want to scare the crap out of people” and in case you're wondering, yes those words are bold in the comic too, it’s a thing Frank Miller seems to do, and it’s really annoying

We get the whole, “we have to be criminals” debate from either of the Dark Knight books before Hal punches the goddamn Batman in the face and then the jaw (something he really should've done earlier.) Hal brings up Dick Grayson (age 12) where the goddamn Batman reveals (and by reveals I mean makes up) that he placed Dick Grayson (age 12) in a trauma clinic and kept his identity secret to avoid attracting attention. (Something that the real Batman would've done, it seems as though Miller knows how Batman should act, then deliberately makes him to do the opposite) We cut back to yesterday (I don't know, the time-lines are complete nonsense in this book) where we see Dick Grayson (age 12) answer interview questions about Batman with the background being an issue of the Gotham Gazette saying that Dick Grayson (age 12) had not been kidnapped

 

You know, Dick slipped up a little calling Batman hairy all over, when there's a picture of Batman in the newspaper and he isn't

Cutting back to the present we see Hal not taking kindly to this frankly overwhelming evidence, and questioning the co-incidence of him having a kid sidekick of around the same age (how old, do you say? Age 12 no less, although how Hal could tell that he was exactly the same age is rather beyond me) Robin adds more confusion to the issue by suggesting that maybe he is Dick Grayson (age 12). Hal turns around to leave, but finds that Robin has stolen his ring

From 0:58 to 1:10

And Robin got the ring, how again? He was never close enough to slip it off

Hal tries to get it back, but the goddamn Batman holds him back, warning him that Robin is dangerous in a fight and so he proves to be as he easily evades Hal's attacks, but Hal is hit by a jab that could be fatal. The goddamn Batman responds well:  he throws Robin into a wall and punches him for good measure (because that's how parents should discipline their kids) together they use the broken edge of a tube of nerve gas (because the goddamn Batman carries potentially fatal gases in his utility belt, wouldn't you want him on your streets?) and some medical tape to save Hal's life and then he tells Robin to call an ambulance

“and if you puke I’ll break your goddamn neck” because threatening to kill your partner is perfectly acceptable, if they make a mistake

The next scene is of the goddamn Batman and Robin in the rain. Robin narrates.

“I almost KILLED a man tonight. A man who never did me any HARM. And I ENJOYED every SECOND of it. More than I've ever enjoyed ANYTHING” Because having your parents murdered automatically makes you psychotic. The goddamn Batman narrates.

“I had YEARS to learn the GREAT THOUGHTS of GREAT MEN. All he's had is WEEKS in the hands of a joy-riding, cackling LUNATIC” I couldn't have put it better myself. And in the last few pages of the comic we get on the few good moments as Dick Grayson (age 12) visits his parents' graves and finally gets a chance to grieve his loss.

If Batman had been a fatherly figure in this, this could've worked, here it's more Batman's a peodophile and Robin has Stockholm syndrome

This comic gives me rage issues!

All Star Batman and Robin is either so bad it's funny, or so bad it makes you want to puke, I'm personally in the second set. Frank Miller has somehow got it into his head that Batman is the greatest superhero ever and everyone else should lick his cape and boots. I find this insufferable. Yes Batman should have an ego but not so big that he sees himself as above the people he's supposed to be protecting.

"Come on kid, let's ride" yeah, he's gonna be dead soon

The artwork by Jim Lee is nice enough. One thing this issue benefits from, is a lack of female characters. Since Sin City Frank Miller has barely been able to define a female character as something other than a sex object. (Yes, even Wonder Woman)

For a guy's whose ring relies on control of emotion, he's showing a complete lack of control of emotion

The characteristics demonstrated by Dick Grayson (age 12) are irritating as hell, having him attack a villain with an axe two issues back isn't enough, now he has to basically kill someone, and he says he enjoys it, no wonder in Frank Miller's twisted sense of continuity Dick Grayson (age something) is a villain in the series The Dark Knight Strikes Again.

Rage Rating: 55%

Next: Batman Returns

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For reviews of All-Star Batman and Robin #1-8 and the eventual review of #9 (out Jan) and #10 (I don't own issue 10, they stopped printing this in Batman Legends after #9) (+ a ton of other bad comics) check out http://atopthefourthwall.com

Images used in this review are from All-Star Batman and Robin #9 and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.