#2 - Batman: Arkham Origins (Reupload)

Not sure how this review ended up deleted but here's a reupload of it

Before I start, I want to clarify. Batman Arkham Origins is not a bad game, per-say. But in my honest opinion it’s an ok-good game that exists in a franchise where that’s not good enough.

A little background: games starring superheroes is a not a new franchise but until the Arkham games came out, none of them really felt right. From Superman getting easily beaten by basic weapons, to team games where everyone loses health every time they take a hit. Not to mention the complicated systems of combos and super-moves. There have been a few Batman games in the past, including a Batman Begins game and several based on Batman: The animated series. None of them felt quite right, partially being restricted by their respective franchise

Out of the shadows came Batman: Arkham Asylum. Boasting the writing talents of Paul Dini (writer of the award-winning Batman: The Animated Series episode Heart of Ice) and the voice actors Kevin Conroy, Mark Hamill and Arleen Sorkin, all veterans from Batman: The Animated series.  Unlike that said series. This was a much darker story, featuring the Joker committing on screen murder, dead bodies at every turn, and a far more gritty surroundings.

It was a huge success, it took (an element I hate in many games) and made it exciting, it took strategy, but not so much that it was highly complicated, and the surroundings were beautiful. Obviously a sequel was planned: Batman: Arkham City. Batman: Arkham City took everything that made Asylum great, tweaked it by adding new moves, gadgets and the like, and put onto an open world environment. The story, still penned (at least in part) by Paul Dini, and with return of most voice actors (with Tara Strong doing a good stand-in for Arleen Sorkin, and Mark Hamill reprising the Joker for what he said would be the last time, it wasn't the last time) Arkham City expanded on the roots of Arkham Asylum in all the right ways. It still looked lovely, was packed with references, and the story, while somewhat cluttered was a good one.

Lots of rumours had been going around as to what the third iteration of the Arkham franchise would be, with rumours of have a silver age backdrop and including heroes like Superman. In 2013 we received news that a new Batman: Arkham game would be released that year. Later, to many people’s disappointment, it was discovered that Rocksteady, who were the developers of Arkham Asylum and Arkham City, would not be working on it (as they were still in the process of creating Batman: Arkham Knight) instead, the task fell to Warner Bros. Montreal, who did the Wii U adaptation of Arkham City. Furthering the disappointing news was the fact that they’d chosen a voice actor for Batman who wasn’t Kevin Conroy. Also of note was that Paul Dini was not working on the story for this game. Batman Arkham Origins would serve as a prequel, detailing the origins of key relationships in Batman’s mythos.

OK, that was a lot of backstory, so on with the review. Spoilers ahead

#69 - Blade Trinity

We had to get here eventually, although with my track record, I expected you didn’t think as quickly. The final movie in the Blade Trilogy did have some issues behind the scenes, and they mostly revolve around the attitude of the star Wesley Snipes.

There’s no real getting around these issues. Apparently, Snipes would spend most of the day in his trailer smoking weed and would only come onto sets for close ups, letting his body double do anything else. He was particularly rude to most of the cast and called for the firing of writer/director David S Goyer, after having attacked him. Oh, and he later sued the production studio for his lack of screen time.

David S Goyer is his own can of worms. From the stupid sexist comment about the She Hulk being created to have someone for the Hulk to sleep with (you are aware they’re related right? That’s disgusting) and for of course being among the writing team of Batman vs Superman.  That said, he’d already written Blade’s 1 and 2, and wrote some of the Nolan Batman trilogy so it can’t be all bad... can it?

Oh no…

Yeah, this movie did badly, making a $125m on a $65m budget, that is likely a studio loss when you factor in theatre cuts and promotion and it was savaged by critics, with a 25% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

So, I’m braced and have excessive amounts of alcohol at my disposal, let’s dive into Blade Trinity

#67 - The Emoji Movie

This little black mark in the history of pop culture was a long time coming. I promised myself I’d never pay money for this movie, so I’m going to be streaming it on Sky Cinema instead. That’s why this review has taken so long.

But here we are, here we are. The Emoji Movie was released in 2017, and still haunts the nightmares of everyone who watched it, earning an 8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which puts it at Fant4stic levels… yeah, this is gonna be a tough one.

It did make money, $250m on a $50m budget but when you find out that Incredibles 2 broke $1bn worldwide this summer, this is relatively pathetic by comparison. Still, it’s sad this movie made money, we’re to blame people. But let’s just dive in and see how bad this is…

#66 - Happy Death Day (A Strange Halloween)

The worst of evils are as yet unseen
But they come to light on a strange Halloween

This thing made over $100m on a budget of kitty litter (around $5m, kitty litter by Hollywood standards you understand) for example

Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

#65 - R.I.P.D.

Ryan Reynolds, he’s Deadpool but before that he was Green Lantern, he’s was in A Million Ways to die in the West (briefly) and he’s in this piece of sh*t too.

Based on a comic book by Peter Len Melkov, this movie was a dismal failure, making only $78m on it’s $130m budget. Critically it was disastrous too, it holds a 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (average 3.6/10) and a 5.6/10 on IMDb, bear in mind, this is the same rating Green Lantern got. To find out why, let’s just dig right in.

#64 - Jupiter Ascending

Oh boy, we’re in for a fun one today. Anyone remember the Wachowskis? They made the Matrix, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my list of movies I’ve never seen, in fact this is my only exposure to their work and boy is it bad.

The Wachowskis haven’t had much luck capturing the critical success of the Matrix, they had somewhat of a success with the divisive V for Vendetta, but Speed Racer, Ninja Assassin and Cloud Atlas were all box office failures, even if Cloud Atlas managed a bit of critical acclaim. Who better then to give $170m for a sci-fi epic.

The movie was not well received, holding a 26% rating on Rotten Tomatoes with an average review score of 4.4/10 although audiences were kinder, awarding on average 2.9/5 on Rotten Tomatoes and 5.3/10 on IMDb. The movie made $184m on it’s $176m budget, which is well below what would be required of it to be a successful. So, where does this movie fail? Let’s take a look.

#63 - Secret Empire (part 3)

OK, I’ve had a nice rest, let’s get back to it.

#62 - Antboy 3 (Rage Issues 4th Anniversary)

It’s the Rage Issues 4^th Anniversary!

So, this was an interesting year. I’m pursuing my career as a tutor, I actually did rage reviews of more sh*t than last year, I let Guilty Pleasures fall by the waist-side for half a year and only done 4 over the entire year anyway. There are some coming soon, in July, so you can look forward for that. I’ve started reviewing Netflix again… which means I’ve had to rewatch Iron Fist, which has been fun…

So, it’s time to bring a franchise near and dear to my heart to a close. And by near and dear to my heart, I mean let’s finish this trilogy before I lose any more brain cells: Antboy 3.

Want a quick recap of Antboy 1 and 2. I’ll try…

Pelle, Ant bite, acidic piss, spider-man, “girls ruin everything,” superhero reference, Flea, vengeance, stupid, superhero reference, more stupid, love triangle, superhero reference, pathetic motivation, generic twins, superhero reference, flea’s house, prison visit, vengeance, superhero reference, no motivation, turnaround and superhero reference.

OK, now you’re up to speed let’s dig into this sh*t one last time. (Though seriously, if you want my views on the first 2, link and link)

#61 - Secret Empire (part 2)

OK, let’s continue our look at Secret Empire. If you want to know what happened so far, go back and read my last review you lazy f*ckers!

Too far? That’s what this comic makes me.

#60 - Secret Empire (part 1)

You may remember a while back, I covered Steve Rogers: Captain America. Written by Nick Spencer, it featured a revelation: that in bringing Cap back from being aged, the cosmic cube (Kobik) messed with reality and made him HYDRA, thinking that was for the best or something. I dropped the book after 4 issues because of its pacing, which was far too slow for my liking, but then we come to what it was all building up to, Secret Empire

Secret Empire was not a smash for Marvel sales wise with numbers dropping well below what is normal for an event comic. Why is that? Well, I’m not covering 13 issues in 1 go, especially when it’s of this sh*t, so I’ll be doing it in 3 parts making this my first and hopefully only multi-part review. Let’s take a look at Secret Empire

We’ll be looking at #0, the Free Comic Book day issue, and #1-3

#59 - Frequencies (OXV: The Manual)

Now, not many people have heard of this one but I F*CKING HATE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH! I also hate the kind of response on IMDb

“Most Intelligent Philosophical Sci-Fi I Have Seen This Millennium”

That and a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes is enough for this review, I have a compulsion to tear this thing to shreds just for that quote. No, this movie is not intelligent, Philosophical maybe. Want to prove this movie isn’t intelligent. The concept – human beings operate at different frequencies that determine how lucky they are. THAT’S NOT WHAT FREQUENCY MEANS! Frequency is a measure of the speed of oscillation, generally associated with sound and/or vibrations. It has nothing to do with luck. I’ll get to what the consequences of being different ‘frequencies’ is but in the review.

So went straight to DVD, made some money I’m sure, minimal budget and a work of some Darren Paul Fisher. He did Inbetweeners, but not the one you’re thinking of, and a movie called Popcorn which was slammed by the 3 critics that watched it.

Let’s get on with this, shall we

#57 - Smith Month - Shark Tale

I’ve not done a single Guilty Pleasure review in ages, and that’s not about to change now, we continue Smith Month with an animated future, infamous as one of the worst of the Dreamworks Catalogue, Shark Tale.

Released in 2004 and making a sizeable profit of $367m on it’s $75m budget, the movie had a mixed critical reception at the time and it’s only got worse as time went on. I normally wouldn’t cover a movie Mr Enter had already torn to shreds, but this is a Will Smith movie and hey? When was the last time I reviewed an awful kids thing? What's that? I did in my last 2 rage reviews… why break up a trilogy? This is Shark Tale

#56 Marvel's Spider-man season 1

This might be a review that takes a while it because of scheduling, but this made me stop in my tracks! I’ve put a review on an early list before, but never have I started writing it before its time was coming, that stopped with this. Yup, we’re talking about Spider-man again.

Ultimate Spider-man was not a series I enjoyed, it had a number of issues, particularly regarding their over-use of 4^th wall and anime-style jokes, some of the sitcom plots and the fact that Peter Parker as an entity is ignored for large chunks of the series, also the series tried to expand its universe at the expense of having its own identity. But the series did have some decent animation, occasionally a joke would land and there’s no doubt a guest appearance would bring a smile to kids’ faces.

So… WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS SH*T?

I’ll admit, when I heard about the reboot, I was excited. Hearing it would go back to Peter Parker’s roots, and the design aesthetic kinda reminding me of Spectacular Spider-man, which is a favourite series of mine, all good signs. But… from seeing the first few episodes my first thoughts were… my god is it awful. I mean it, this is the worst Spider-man cartoon I’ve seen, and it’s by a considerable margin. But I’ll stop beating about the bush and try and explain why.

#55 Antboy: Revenge of the Red Fury

Back in 2015 I reviewed the Danish super-hero film Antboy: a truly awful Superhero movie featuring unlikable protagonists, a growly villain, exceptionally slow pacing and reference to much better stories I could’ve been reading instead. I said at the time I wasn’t going to review the sequel but… I’m reviewing the sequel. Hey, we don’t have to worry about the origin now, maybe it can be better, right…

#54 Doctor Who - Love and Monsters

So, it’s that time of year again, time to talk about a bad episode of Doctor Who

Russel T Davies ran the show from its revival in 2005 until 2010, where Steven Moffat took over, until now I’ve not covered bad episodes from this era, they’re usually more infamous than the bad Moffat ones, also Russel T Davies is the man who got me into Doctor Who, even with one of the worst episodes of the show, Fear Her.

But that’s not the episode that I’m covering today, today it’s a special kind of bad. The kind of bad I hate beyond all others that, to his credit, Mofatt never did in his tenure. We’ve got a fan allegory! Beyond that, Love and Monsters is one of the most hated episodes of the show. There’s also something else but we’ll get to that in the review. Speaking of which…

#52 - Death Note (Netflix) (Happy New Year)

Yes, I’m going here again, sue me, I warned you in the last rage review.

The Japanese adaptations of Death Note are probably the reviews that in retrospect, I regret being as harsh on. Not because I don’t stand by my criticisms, exactly. But I feel the producers had a losing battle, needing to tell a 3-act story in only 2 acts. Even then, the stories were heavily rushed and more should’ve trimmed to streamline the plot. It probably doesn’t help I had to watch the subbed versions as the dub wasn’t a DVD release. But whatever their faults, know this, at least they’re not this movie

Netflix is a hub for creative content (Voltron) and utter garbage (the Ridiculous 6) I’m going to try and review more stuff on Netflix next year, I mentioned before about doing a load of retrospectives. I’d say this ranks more in the middle, but this has received a wave of negative reactions from fans of the anime/manga and I figured I’d put my thoughts on the table. Happy New Year!

#51 - Batman and Harley Quinn

Oh boy, we’ve got a bad one for this entry. And I wanted to start with a simple question. Bruce Timm, what happened to you?

Bruce Timm has become somewhat of a legend when it comes to superhero stuff, being one of the guys behind the excellent DCAU and the very good Green Lantern: The Animated series, which I will eventually cover as a retrospective.

Then he took some time off, when he first came back it was for Justice League: Gods and Monsters; a unique take on the trinity of Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman where their morals are more grey than usual. It was good, even great, but then something happened, his next movie was the Killing Joke. I ripped this movie apart back in May, particular for that abysmal opening third featuring Batman and Batgirl having sex on a rooftop.

So, for this story, one that’s completely unique, they wanted to tone down the darker tone and focus on humour. That’s fine. Justice League Action, which is a solid if shallow show did that exact thing. But here’s the thing, being a comedy whilst also being adult-orientated can lend itself to some very bad things. I’m looking at you, FAMILY GUY!

So, are we talking At World’s End comedy or Dude, Where’s my Car? comedy? Would it really be here if it wasn’t the latter?

#50 - Jak and Daxter: The Lost Frontier

It’s been a while since I did a rage review on a game, mostly because of the time investment. Before I’ve gotten around it by watching the plot on the laptop and doing the rest from memory but I assure you I have played this game recently. The sacrifices I make for you…

So, the big 3 star-duos of the Playstation 2 era are Ratchet and Clank, Jak and Daxter and Sly and Bentley, but the only one of the 3 to find much success in the post-PS2 era was Ratchet and Clank. Sly and Bentley did have a PS3 release in Thieves in time but that’s outside of HD remasters, it’s the only PS3 title with just them, with Jak and Daxter, their only PS3 release they star in outside of HD remasters is

  

Oh, my first nemesis. It sucked. Also, they were in that brawl game Battle Royale, doesn’t really count though.

But there was always the PSP, Sony’s handheld console, Jak and Daxter found success with the Daxter title, which is a solid game but then we have the dark sheep of the Jak and Daxter series. This is Jak and Daxter: The Lost Frontier

Released to surprising critical acclaim, this was the product of High Impact Games, the guys who made Ratchet and Clank: Size Matters and Secret Agent Clank, so good hands! This was their last big-name title before they fell and were relegated to only making garbage and mobile games.

Yeah, sure that one was a hit…

Naughty Dog, the original Jak and Daxter team had a few plot ideas from drafts they were doing for Jak IV, but with the PS3 on the horizon and a team working on Uncharted it was decided to ditch it and work on a racing game instead, Jak X: Combat Racing, a surprisingly solid racing game that’s getting a PS4 remaster. So, let’s see how High Impact destroyed it as we take a look.

#49 - Superman III

OK, so Superman 2 was great, wasn’t it? Only bad things to come from here.

Richard Lester is in full control and it’s time for, *sigh* a more comedic Superman movie. They did manage to make their money back but it was critically slammed and the next entry was done with a different production studio and far less money. But that’s a story for another day, let’s take a look at Superman III

#48 - Neeson Month - A Million Ways to Die in the West

It’s Neeson Month

And I don’t know about you, but I’ve gotten a bit sick of this mediocrity, we need some good old-fashioned cr*p. But I’m too lazy to find anything obscure, so just give me an easy target

He’ll do very nicely. Yes Seth MacFarlane, the guy behind Family Guy and cavalcades of Cartoon “”””””””Comedy.”””””””” I’ve watched maybe 5 minutes of Family Guy and I already know I can’t stand it. Especially when they come up with Screams of Silence, an episode which managed to be more offensive than Kill the Moon, BY INTENTION and better yet as an attempt at shock humour. Here’s the thing about offensive comedy, you can make people laugh by offending others, but it has to be a 2-sided issue with valid arguments on either side, which is why political and religious comedy can be funny. Domestic abuse isn’t funny! Or at least you have to be very clever to make it funny, and it’s a few IQ points above MacFarlane’s. He also did Ted and its sequel, both about a man and his relationship with his teddy bear. I’d rather eat the goddamn bear than watch those.

Thankfully we’re not here to look at that today, this is a Million Ways to Die in the West

Released in 2014, this movie decides to try and parody how dangerous is to live in a western. In theory, this could be the key to a lot of comedy, but it falls short there and in various other aspects too. Neeson stars in this, but is not the lead, instead we have to make room for MacPharlane’s ego as HE plays the main character.

The movie made $87m on a $40m meaning it only barely broke even, and would be considered quite the downgrade from the Ted Movies, which made over $200m each for some reason. The movie garnered a mixed reception, with a 33% rating on rotten tomatoes and a 40% audience rating.

But this intro’s getting long, let’s just dive in.