#29 - Antboy

So, we’re in December, hooray… or something. Or not, thanks to Thanksgiving ruining my schedules this is being pushed forward into November

Time to look at our next lesser known movie

  

Oh f*ck. Ah, Denmark… I know so little about you it’s a little embarrassing. But your nation did create this abomination, so I don’t think I’ll be making a tourist visit any time soon. Filmed in 2012, this film is infamous for a very expensive costume, the costume of the lead. Hell, it was so expensive, apparently Oscar Dietz, the actor who plays our lead couldn’t eat whilst wearing it… 250,000 euros spent on this costume, and good grief let’s just get on with this.

So after 40 seconds of padding with the opening logos, we get a comic-book style opening credits sequence. My God would you believe they take ants and experiment on them and we’re eventually going to get a super hero? I’m pretty sure this comic scene had a point at some point, but it was lost because it serves no purpose other than admittedly some interesting visuals

So, we have our dubbed Oscar Dietz as he narrates to us about a very important subject: Himself. Pelle Nøhrmann, naturally at the age of 12 he’s in love with a girl named Amanda, but of course “she doesn’t know he exists” somebody give me a violin

No, I don’t think that one’s small enough.

So, the class are given an assignment to write a report on somebody interesting from their neighbourhood. Pelle is naturally shunned by the girl. So, thanks to minimal security, he’s now on the roof, watching her… You have issues kid.

He sees the ‘nerd’ being harassed by 2 bullies that lack personality. Pelle throws the apple at them but is caught out by the one person actually concerned about him being on the roof.

Slllloooowwwww mooottttiiiooonnnn chase sequence. This isn’t action, it’s boring, can the ant bite him already? The bullies are morons so they leave, too scared to cross the fence he climbed over. So the ant bites him. (I can’t believe we’re only 9 minutes in, I feel like I’ve been watching for hours) and he falls unconscious via shaky cam and dubstep.

Sometime a bit later, he’s woken up by the villain for this movie before passing out again (well, that was pointless) much, much later, he gets a phone call presumably from some worried parents as he finally recovers. He heads home with the mother worried about why he was late. He decides he needs some sleep and heads to sleep, his parents say nothing more. Although he’s clearly struggling as this shot of ants blurred in tells us.

He’s hungry and ends up raiding the fridge of all its sweets and candy. He has no memory of this and there really don’t appear to be any consequences, at all. His parents don’t even appear to notice, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? So after sticky fingers and breaking glass don’t appear to alert his parents to anything at all, he bumps into the nerd and time for stereotypical bully #3 giving a PE lesson. He picks the only person not volunteering to essentially come and fight him. No pads because the teacher clearly hasn’t heard of the words dismissal and lawsuit in his life. Oh and because it’s a running joke, he says Pelle’s name wrong, sometimes.

So after getting knocked out of the ring for no real reason he starts using his abilities to help him. Enhanced agility and strength etc. He knocks teachermcdouchebag out of the ring (bet he’s regretting not wearing those pads) and storms off because everybody’s giving no reaction whatsoever.

So the nerd, who’s about to become an actual character so I’ll refer to him by his proper name, Wilhelm, catches up with Pelle and asks him about that and how he got his powers and man does he sound like a tool. I don’t know who dubbed his voice but… I don’t care, this ‘sounding like a tool’ thing will continue through most of the movie.

He references comics I’d much rather be reading than this watching this movie and continues to sound like a major tool as Pelle looks at our would-be villain. Pelle brushes off Willhelm, and I don’t blame him for it as our would-be villain plays a record and looks at a newspaper.

The next morning, he fantasises over the class photo of Amanda and imagines rescuing her as a damsel in distress, and he’s doing this through teddy bears. And the noise he’s making through doing this attracts no attention from his parents, who would probably be taking him to a psychiatrist right now. Oh and he punches through a wall, there are no consequences of this. SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THE POINT OF THESE SCENES!?

So he finally reveals the truth to Wilhelm, because he’s the only one stupid enough to believe that his origin is a carbon copy of Spider-man except with an ant and of course the tragedy that made him want to be a super hero in the first place. There are two sequels to this… Humanity is f*cked.

So after a few more comic references (note how Wilhelm’s comic knowledge doesn’t extend to Batman, who has neither powers nor weakness and is the most popular superhero of the modern era) and to be honest his quotes don’t match well to Spider-man either, which we know he knows about, he referenced him in an earlier quote. Spider-man does not have any conventional weaknesses. There’s nothing that he can be exposed to that weakens him and he doesn't have a constant power source (well, fluid for his web-shooters BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT).

Anyway, it’s lucky that Wilhelm had a preloaded video about ants ready to go (seriously he just opened the monitor and there is was) so we can find out about Pelle’s potential abilities. They try super-bite, super-smell which both succeed. But when he attempts to fly he falls and breaks several bones and is languished in hospital for a few weeks. Wait, no, he’s absolutely fine. Movie, meet internal logic, it’s your friend, STOP ABUSING IT!

So after trying all the cheap costumes they found in their local bargain basement they, Willhelm buys a black costume, likely bankrupting his parents in the process. Pelle fantasises about Amanda some more (pass me a bucket) and then discovers that his p*ss is acidic. You know, I use the toilet twice before I go to work. There is NO WAY he wouldn’t have discovered this by now considering it's been several days. And of course the school noticing that one of urinals suddenly has acid damage is completely overlooked.

So after the 250,000-euro costume is unveiled we cut to a parking garage, absolutely home of damsels in distress apparently. They begin discussing his name and we find that Wilhelm has indeed heard of Batman, previous evidence to contrary. Also, which Captain Marvel? He suggests Ant-man but of course that’s taken, currently by Scott Lang (he’s also not a boy but that didn’t stop a 12-year old Spider-man) so he suggests Antboy which makes him sound like Ant-man’s kid side-kick.

He says he needs to head into the store to get some candy but Wilhelm is worried (I say worried, but that would imply the guy dubbing him has any human emotions) that someone would rob a bank whilst he’s there. Uh kid, you’re in a car park, the distance between what I assume is the store the car park is for and a bank isn’t that far off between being inside or outside. Anyway, Wilhelm elects to go instead

Meanwhile a moron steals a lady’s bag in broad daylight in this surprisingly empty car-park and runs off whilst the lady shrieks. Time for Antboy to step into action. And he’s scared because the guy is taller than him… He backs off so far he begins climbing the walls, seeing the opportunity he pounces at the guy and gives a ‘I’m Batman’ speech, which sounds just about as dumb as you'd expect. As for some reason the thug is arrested back in the car park (go figure) he swears he isn’t crazy when he talks about Antboy.

OK, we’re about half an hour into this now, this movie is only 76 minutes long and we’ve got past the obligatory origin, the sidekick, becoming the hero and first crime bits, can the plot actually start moving now? Only he finds his powers don’t work because, get this, his powers are fuelled by sugar. This is the just the fantasy of a 10-year old boy. I’m a superhero fuelled by candy, buy me more candy, mommy!

So Wilhelm gives Pelle some gadgets that he likely pulled out of his rear. A utility belt for candy, a phone case and an ant-com so they can stay in touch… (Yeah, you can totally get these things from your local convenience store) His home is currently being re-mortgaged just FYI. So after an obnoxious montage of praise with even more obnoxious narration and not a single word about the fact that he’s a kid. Oh, and his school is now performing an Ant-boy musical. Man, I give up! He’s been in operation for maybe a few weeks, are the no sceptics in Denmark? And suddenly there’s a musical about him, even one in his school. No, bullsh*t! You know, I’d usually do a Guilty Pleasures review for something like this but I have to like at least part of the movie for me to consider it a guilty pleasure. There hasn’t been a single moment of this movie so far that I’ve liked.

Pelle’s still a nobody but he’s a nobody with a friend and a bully-buster that the girls seem to go for. Wilhelm seems a bit uncomfortable with this, gee, I wouldn’t have thought (also, you haven’t read many super heroes if you’ve never seen them pursue love). It seems like Amanda has chosen to do her school project on Antboy because my estimate of it being a few weeks seems to be a little generous. Her sister, Ida, arrives to complain about her making noise, Amanda is then kidnapped by the villain. Oh goody, the plot has decided to finally start moving.

So, this somehow doesn’t make the news as the teacher makes an excuse for her. Someone who is clearly Ida is hanging from the roof to get Antboy’s attention. He gets a phone call from his mother which seems odd to me because WHO PHONES THEIR KID DURING SCHOOL HOURS?! So he realises that the damsel is in fact a dummy and a decoy from Ida who needs his help

So our would-be villain calls himself ‘The Flea’ ranking at number 26 in the most pathetic names in villain history alongside greats like Polka Dot Pete and the Condiment King. Of her father, who I’m not sure even has a name yet. He demands money and that he step down as the head of whatever industries. Antboy asks if they could pay (because he’s a bit of a moron) but he doesn’t have that sort of money. And just to prove his stupidity he inadvertently mentions Willhelm’s name, giving away just about everything

After trying to brush that off, Ida wants to come with but Antboy says it’s “probably too dangerous” this kid has all the conviction of the US Senate (or the House of Commons). So obviously she tags along, much to Willhelm’s disdain. OK, where to begin with this. Let’s start with “girls ruin everything” Willhelm is sounding very much like this

Grow a pair, kid. Thank God puberty isn’t too far away. Also, if you’re a comic book nerd, like I am, and he is, you should know that there are a cr*pton of female super heroes out there. Here are some of them: Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Batgirl, Shadowcat, the Wasp, Ms. Marvel, Starfire, Raven, Bumblebee, Miss Martian, Aquagirl, Speedy (the second one), Rocket, Mary Marvel, Spider-Woman, Black Canary, Hawkgirl, Vixen, Zatanna, The Invisible Woman, Gamora, She-Hulk, Spider-Gwen, Jessica Jones, Elektra (kinda sorta) etc etc.

So after Ida actually tells him to grow up (thank you) they play the Flea’s message. Why does he even need a secret identity? If he’s after revenge surely it’d play better for him if the guys who he is and why he wronged him. Sure, not having his identity on the tape would mean he couldn’t give the name to the police, but why the costume?

Anyway, Willhelm (being the sensitive sort) outright states that he thinks her father might’ve been up to something (ala Lex Luthor - just in case you're not thinking of the many better stories that you could be reading/watching right now... Man I loved Lex in Young Justice, I should watch Young Justice) You’re all class, kid! So, her dad is head of ExoCorp, a pharmaceutical company specialising in vaccines. They bring up a list of suspects based on evidence they’ve pulled out of their asses before realising that Ida has kept her necklace and Antboy can trace her using it. Screw good detective work, let’s get to super-powered bullsh*t.

So they head to creepy guy’s house, the same house Pelle got his powers. So now of course is best time to start telling ghost stories. Because f*ck having kids with actual intellect. Ant-boy enters the grounds, finding lower level windows boarded up and a locked door. Now’s the perfect time to bring out the… eww, we did not need to see that up close.

So after getting in with no resistance whatsoever, he heads into the basement shrubbery? He sees some chemicals and concludes it’s a lab before losing signal with the others. Man, they’re really banking on me finding creepy crawlies scary aren’t they? He finds Amanda trapped in a glass cage that’s apparently sound-proof, until he presses a button. Go figure. You know what’d be useful getting out a glass cage, corrosive urine, just saying.

Anyway, time for the villain’s origin. He was once a researcher at Exocorp, under the head of Amanda’s father, Peter (yeah, they finally gave us his name, pretty sure they hadn’t until now. He’d been doing research into ants. We get more comic panels because it’s obviously too expensive to have the lab set. He tried to use ants' healing abilities to create a serum to help humans, his mother was the first test subject and she was doing well until Exocorp had to make cutbacks and his research was scrapped, as a result his mother died.

You know he has all the earmarkings of a tragic villain but they throw it all away with the stupid getup, the stupid voice (which might be the dubbing) and the stupid plan. Oh, he injected himself with the flea powers and has to feed off blood. You know, Spider-man doesn’t have to eat flies to recharge his powers… That’s why he’s interesting and you’re all just lame. He then proceeds to talk about how Amanda doesn’t give a sh*t about Pelle. Somebody please just punch him in the crotch, he’s too irritating for words and I’ve just spent half an hour with Willhelm.

Why are you trying to personally attack Antboy, anyway? You have no personal vendetta against him! Anyway, the police arrive (How? Did one of the others call the police, or did they do actual detective work?) and cut Antboy and Amanda out of the cages assisted by, guess what? More obnoxious narration. 

And it awakens my biggest issue with this whole thing, Antboy has no motivation to be a superhero. He doesn’t seem to get any joy out of helping people and it doesn’t dampen his personal demons, he doesn’t appear to have any. There’s a reason a lot of super heroes have dead parents or some form of tragedy in their past. Pelle is just a kid pining for attention. It doesn’t make good superhero material. If it weren’t for Willhelm, he wouldn’t be one and the only reason he wants Pelle to be a superhero is to satisfy his own fantasy, to have a comic book character as a friend. Want proof of that? There are 100 different comic book references in this. And all it’s doing is reminding me of much better superhero stories I could be reading/watching.

So Pelle bears his soul and quits, handing Willhelm the mask, but naturally not the rest of the costume. Willhelm looks at the mask and Pelle just sits and looks and Willhelm sits somewhere else and looks. Suddenly, the Flea is attacking the school. Pelle acts like a humongous d*ck leaving Willhelm to suit up with some insect repellent. Why is the Flea attacking the school again?

Willhelm finds a girl hiding and tells her to run. The girl comes out and Pelle discovers that Willhelm had stayed behind. He gets changed in the school play’s Antboy costume

The Flea explains that he’s not a loser and they’ll outlive humanity. Silly question but don’t fleas need a food source, a living one? Yes, you are a loser, your plan is dumb, your motivation half-baked, your voice is stupid and your costume is even worse. That and you seem to have confused flea with cockroach. As well as confusing Ant-boy with someone who looks nothing like him despite the fact you know his secret identity. Also, and I know I’ve asked already, WHY ARE YOU HERE?!

So, Pelle arrives to help and the Flea realises he’s been dumb and uses Willhelm as leverage. Antboy is low on sugar and is tossed backwards, far backwards (naturally it was too expensive to show them fight so we just see the room shaking and dents appearing in the wall). He eyes a vending machine and gets out a drink of entirely non-descript variety. The Flea escapes having accomplished absolutely jack all other than kidnapping a boy that has nothing to do with his revenge plot.

Antboy steals a bike (our hero) and ride off to the rescue. Antboy discovers Willhelm's glasses and tracks him into the woods where he’s tied up. But as you’d probably guessed...

Well, 'trap' might be a strong word, he jumps in and tosses Antboy backwards for no reason and Willhelm escapes. The Flea discovers Antboy but finds only an empty mask and cape. It’s time for the boring talking bit… As Willhelm sabotages his blood. After a seizure inducing charge scene, the Flea is knocked back. His blood tank empty and his leg still arthritic, he’s no match for Ant-boy now.

So Antboy’s back until the next time he gets bored or fed up. Antboy pays Amanda a visit, and she thanks him for saving him (which he didn’t) and offers to kiss him, but he declines. He asks for Ida and she comes in, he offers his thanks and reveals he knows about him being Pelle. They agree to be friends and we cut to him washing the dog (which appeared in which scene again, or is  this literally just for the flea joke because f*ck you if it is) Willhelm says he wants to be Antboy’s sidekick, the world (erm maybe this small town in the middle of somewhere) needs Antboy and we close with, what else, more obnoxious narration

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

This movie came out in 2013, we’d just seen the Avengers (also Iron Man 3 and Thor the Dark World but The Avengers) we were height of superhero movies but this… This is absolute rubbish. Maybe it translates better in Danish but the dialogue is atrocious, the acting (the dub-actors) is sub-par, the story is clumsy (not to mention the origin being a massive Spider-man rip-off) and it's slow even given its 75-minute run time. The characters are bland, the music is meh and there is not one stand out moment in this.

I think I’ve made it clear, none of the leads impressed me, the Flea really didn’t impress me. He was a guy out for revenge with a semi-tragic back story but then became for no good reason a personal antagonist for Ant-boy. His attack on the school, and really all his actions in the 3rd act were entirely pointless!

I realise this is on a much lower budget than a marvel movie, I wasn't expecting impressive visuals, in fact aside the comic it's pretty much all practical and camera-trickery so kudos for that at least.

But this is the worst way to write a super-hero movie. And somehow this gets 2 sequels. F*ck that sh*t!

Rage Rating 115%

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Images/clips used in this review are from Antboy and Star Wars and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.