#49 - Superman III

OK, so Superman 2 was great, wasn’t it? Only bad things to come from here.

Richard Lester is in full control and it’s time for, *sigh* a more comedic Superman movie. They did manage to make their money back but it was critically slammed and the next entry was done with a different production studio and far less money. But that’s a story for another day, let’s take a look at Superman III

We open at the most hopeful place in the world, a booth for tax credits, it’s here we meet Gus, played by Richard Pryor. The bar has just dropped significantly. He’s been unemployed for 36 weeks since he’s a complete moron. He’s no longer eligible for tax credits. But he finds a want-ad on the most likely place to find one, the back of a cigarette box. Become a computer programmer, you don’t even have to be qualified or anything!

So, with that out of the way, we get our credits, whilst the last two had them rolling across the scene in space, here we have a sketch that would be better off in Mr Magoo, They’ve got a blind man and everything. Whilst Superman does make a couple of save he doesn’t save the guy who fell through an open manhole and some sort of robbery takes place which he doesn’t stop either. Maybe this is where the DCCU is getting this sh*t from.

Anyone, hijinks lead to a guy drowning in his own car, Clark changes in a photobooth and takes the time to rip off the Clark pictures to give the kid the Superman ones. Two things 1) Why did you pay money to have your photo taken, a guy is drowning. 2) Why did you take the time to rip off the Kent photos, A GUY IS DROWNING! Also, a mime abused because that’s apparently funny and there’s also a pie in the face gag. Can you imagine the first two movies with a pie in the face gag?

So, Gus must be some sort of prodigy since he can do things with computers with no training that the higher ups didn’t think was possible.

Oh and Jimmy’s in this movie

There’s some running gag about Bingo, winner gets a free trip to Columbia. Clark wants to do a piece about his high school reunion. Show him the door! Oh yeah, and Lois is in this movie

Pay cheques are being handed out and Gus is displeased since taxes and pensions have decreased his pay substantially, one of the workers tells him that when points of a cent are on the wage packets, they tend to be rounded down, the owners don’t even bother to pick them up. Gus stays behind that evening and easily hacks into the wage account to claim those lost cents, which add up to OVER $80000, there’s no way that would just be lying around unnoticed

So on the coach to Smallville we’re treated to a conversation about stuffing, thrilling. Fortunately a nearby chemical plant is on fire and Superman heads to save people. He rescues some workers from up high by creating a convenient tube slide. Probably would’ve been quicker just to fly them down. He finds a scientist guarding what I’m going to call plot convenience acid, once it reaches a high enough temperature it can eat through anything. Hey, Supes, why not try putting out the fire?

And as the fire hoses lose pressure, that’s exactly what Superman does, he heads to a lake, 5 miles away, freezes a chunk of it, picks it up and carries it over there, not sure what he does next but it seems to rain down. I think the idea is he dropped it but there’s no way a solid lump of ice would melt falling down that small a distance.

Oh and Jimmy’s in this movie

It’s reunion time and Clark meets Lana Lang, an old flame who in this movie is not aware of Clark Kent being Superman. Anyway, she broke up with her old boyfriend, Donald (understandable) but now a guy named Brad Wilson wants a piece of her, she’s not really into him.

Gus gets his payments and makes a noise that might’ve got someone’s attention. As they tidy up, Clark and Lana reminisce. She had a child named Ricky and had to pawn her diamond ring in order to keep them alive.

The owners of the company Gus works for, the Websters realise $85000 is missing, which what? I thought it was made up of half cents the company wouldn’t notice? Wasn’t that the whole point? Anyway, they say the thief won’t slip up unless he’s a moron, they then spot Gus being a moron in a Ferari.

Clark and Lana watch and Ricky and his friends bowl, Ricky apparently gets grief for being the only kid in town without a father, something we see no evidence to back up, also because he’s sh*t at bowling, maybe have the barriers up? Brad comes, drunk, and tries to teach him but Clark stops him, not wanting Ricky to be embarrassed, he secretly uses his Superbreath to make him score a spare, although at how those pins were smashed, I’d hold Ricky for physical testing.

Gus is told Mr Webster wants to see him, he goes and there’s a stupid gag about a rotating bar. Mr Webster is interested in having someone who can make computers do what they shouldn’t. Right now he has control over the world’s coffee except in Colombia, he wants Gus to hijack a weather satellite to make it cause weather.

By the way, in case you’ve forgotten Jimmy’s in this movie

To be able to do that they need a low-key facility where Gus wouldn’t recognised, of course it’s in Smallville. Lana, Ricky and Clark picnic in a storm, great idea, Lana has a weird idea of the food you bring to a picnic, Clark ends up eating dog food for a cheap laugh. Ricky heads off with the dog. There’s a bit of back and forth until Lana realises her car has sprung a leak. Clark heard the dog barking as Ricky has been knocked out and is in the path of a harvester.

Clark changes to Superman and rescues him, stopping the machine of course rather than getting Ricky out of the way because property damage in Smallville doesn’t matter to him, another thing Man of Steel took from this movie.

That night Gus pretends to be someone intending to install a mini-bar in a manager’s office, the one guard gets drunk enough that Gus can get on. There’s some hijinks involving 2 computer chips, it can be safely skipped. With the hack some bullsh*t happens, ATMs begin spewing money, the traffic light men brawl? And it’s all chaos, meanwhile a storm does ravage Colombia

The Websters have a ski slope on their roof because why not? Mrs Webster brings up the suggestion that they could use him to target oil. Gus comes in and reveals that Superman has stopped the storm and used his heat vision to restore the coffee crop, in my opinion it’s too little too late but what do I know?

They suggest using Kryptonite against Superman but they need to find some in space using the satellite and analyse its composition. Gus wants more money but before this matter goes any further he skis off the building, and somehow survives. Anyway, the satellite manages to find a chunk of Kryptonite and performs compositional analysis, a small % is unknown, but Gus decides to substitute it for tar.

Quick question, isn’t Kryptonite supposed to be radioactive? Guess they can’t replicate that. Anyway, as Clark is writing up his article in Metropolis he gets a call from Lana, Ricky has apparently told people that Superman was coming to is birthday party, Clark says, since he ‘knows’ Superman, that he will show up and doesn’t give himself an out in case there’s an emergency. Tut tut

It’s Ricky’s birthday and it’s turned into a Superman parade, poor kid, being overshadowed on his birthday. He gets the key to the city and oh joy, it’s time for a really painful bit from Gus as he tries to present a not-at-all suspicious green rock to Superman. It has no initial effect.

Back and the Lang residence, Lana gets a call about an emergency but Superman doesn’t leave immediately and whilst the driver is saved by the authorities the contents of the truck are lost. Superman straightens the leaner tower of Pisa via bad green-screen effect, and that annoys all of one salesman and a cleaner. Rather f*cking instantly Superman is benched by all countries other than Colombia

The Websters realise what has happened and see this as an opportunity to proceed with their plan. Superman blows out the Olympic torch. Big deal, it probably happens if it rains, just light the goddamn thing again. So, the Webster’s plan, Oil tankers are controlled by computers, or more likely they issue instructions for the captains to follow. Gus is to get the instructions to direct them all to within a 50-mile area and await instructions. He is also to shut off oil pumps and add an instruction that no-one else can countermand it.

Gus wants something in return, he’s devised plans for a semi-sentient super-computer which will do whatever the plot wants it to. They agree to the plan. However, one oil tanker ignores the instructions and heads for Metropolis. Superman is seduced by Mr Webster’s girlfriend Lorelei into pushing that tanker back into the area, creating the great Atlantic oil spill by breaking a hole in the hull.

He returns back to Lorelei for some sexy-time. So, with oil now unavailable things break into chaos with things like *gasp* queue barging and *gasp* slap-fights. THE HORROR!

Superman is drinking, melting his reflection and you have heard of what happens when you set alcohol on fire, it’s a called a Molotov cocktail. Lana and Ricky are about to head to Metropolis, they’re heading in a taxi but are caught up in the Superman drinking shenanigans, Ricky tries to talk him out in acting that would make Jake Lloyd jealous.

Superman takes off and lands in a junkyard and because of reasons his Clark Kent persona springs out of him and they begin to fight, complete with over-elaborate death traps. Of course Clark wins and regains control. This will be the last time this will ever be mentioned by anyone other than the villains. He heads back into the ocean and cleans up the great Atlantic oil-spill by… blowing it back into the ship?

  

He returns to the Websters house but they’re no longer there, they leave behind a video to lead him right to the Supercomputer, right into a trap. But first, the Websters and Lorelei head down there by helicopter balloon, I don’t know but Gus won’t use it because he doesn’t believe a man should fly. F*ck you Richard Donner. So, they get to the Super Computer but Mrs Webster says she knows how to use it and isn’t going to let Gus, wait, if she’s a computer genius, why did they ned Gus at all?

So, they target Superman with rockets, which they have somehow and a missile which they also have somehow. Seriously, this isn’t a military base, it’s a canyon, where’d all this sh*t come from? Doesn’t do sh*t to Superman. Gus arrives, but Superman is not far behind, what’s the first interior trap?

  

Yeah, so Superman breaks free but is struck by a Kryptonite ray, they somehow got the composition right this time. Gus decides he doesn’t want to be part of it anymore, wait, what? You were on board with killing Supes with the fake Kryptonite earlier! Gus takes out a screw which temporarily powers it down, but it begins drawing power from the grid and bringing parts of the US into darkness. Gus destroys the Kryptonite Ray with a convenient axe but it knocked out by a kinetic beam, Superman retreats with a plan as Mrs Webster is turned into a cyborg and it’s completely pointless.

Superman arrives with the plot convenience acid and as the inside of the computer warms up it turns into gas and eats through the computer, thank goodness it stopped there. Superman carries Gus away, despite the fact he’s partially responsible for everything that’s happened, he stops at a coal mine so he can crush a lump of coal into a diamond. It’s possible but it should be a lot smaller than that. Gus wants to be left behind and Superman recommends him for a job. Gus turns it down and prepares to walk the 9 or 10 miles to the nearest bus stop.

Clark arrive at Lana’s house, they planned to have Superman for dinner but Clark is there in his stead, he gives her the diamond ring to replace the one she’d pawned. Brad arrives and attacks Clark but he instead suffers a few pratfalls, the end.

Well not quite, Lana is now Perry’s new secretary and we get another of the bingo machine jokes. Oh, and Lois is in this movie.

We’re forgetting something aren’t we? Oh yes, the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Superman returns it to normal, annoying the same two people as before.

Superman III is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it does have some major problems. First up is the villains, they’re not threatening, they’re the lite Lex Luthor posse and Richard Pryor is just irritating.

Then we have the comedy, the incredibly uninteresting, forced comedy. There is a time for humour but this is not a comedy, it’s a superhero movie so sketches like the one at the beginning of this movie have to go. Some of the humour works but vast amounts it, particularly the stuff from Richard Pryor is dead on arrival and sometimes harms the more serious moments.

But let’s get to characters. Christopher Reeve does a great job as always as Superman and later as jerk Superman. But for me, jerk Superman represents a lot of wasted potential. His ideology could be completely different to the normal Man of Steel, and that could represent a moral quandary for the battle. Maybe he feels that people are ungrateful and don’t deserve to be saved, maybe he wants something more, maybe he feels like he’s beneath saving people, any of this could’ve worked, even if it is a black and white case.

Speaking of missed opportunities, Lana Lang. It terms of character, she’s not dissimilar to Lois Lane, that’s probably the biggest issue with the whole thing. Having a kid and a nuisance drunken stalker don’t really change this fact. I always remember in Superman: The Animated series, which I’m aware came after the original Superman movies, and I’m not sure which was truer to the original origin, that Lana knew that Clark and Superman were one of the same, which added a different dynamic between the two to explore. Also, the kid does nothing of prominence until the stupid speech. I do realise, however, some of these problems do draw back to the first Superman movie, so it can't get all the blame for this.

This movie gives me a slight feeling of anger

Folks, it’s not a good movie, it’s far from the worst I’ve ever seen though, the special effects are ok, most of the performances are fine and some ideas were interesting, it’s just lousy execution and an unnecessarily comedic tone that strike this movie down

Rage Rating 20%