Guilty Pleasures #10 - The Polar Express

Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate this time of year everyone.

Time to look at a Christmas movie. The Polar Express is an adaptation of a book by Chris Van Allsburg, released in 2004, it had a decent box office performance, but was not considered a great success owing to its massive $165 million budget.

It received mixed reviews from critics, with many not liking the motion capture animation (all be it, a better version of it than a lot of films) with a 56% Rotten Tomatoes rating and a 61 on metacritic.

What's my opinion on the film? Well time to jump into this holiday classic find out just how interesting a film this is.

We open on every snowy night ever, where the sky is amazingly dark blue considering and we come into a house, where Tom Hanks narrates. It's Christmas Eve, and this guy is waiting for Santa. He wakes up, burning his hand on the radiator and looks out his window. He hears some jingling outside and sneaks out of his room. He observes the room and realises Santa hasn't been yet and the jingling was just his sister and his parents. His sister too is waiting for Santa. She gives some rather odd stats about how Santa delivers his presents.

I would like to point out that I do not believe in Santa, I'm 22 years old writing this. But there is one thing that bugs me about stories like this. The whole Santa delivers all his presents in one night routine. The fact is, there are so many different time zones that Santa would have at least a day to deliver all the presents before morning. I'm not saying it's entirely possible, it still requires some magic and whatnot but the 1-night argument is flawed.

Well, after putting way too much thought into that, let's continue. The boy gets out all the newspaper clippings and such stuff that… Why does he have any of that? He gets out a reference book that tells him the North Pole is devoid of life. Yeah… No it isn't (I raise to you a dozen Polar Bears to confute that claim). His parents come in and he pretends to be asleep. They comment that he no longer believes in Santa, rather bashing this point in.

I assume this a photo of him, he's a bit of an a**

As 11pm approaches, a train comes by and the radiator starts leaking steam. Really should get that looked at. He rushes outside, tearing a hole in one of his pockets on the way and finds the train. The conductor (Tom Hanks) greets him, telling him to come aboard and come to the North Pole. The boy didn’t take a photo with Santa, didn't write a letter to Santa and made his sister put out the milk and cookies. Running late, the train takes off, extremely slowly, the boy jumps aboard and suddenly it's going at a speed where he couldn't possibly have been keeping up with it.

He enters the carriage, meeting some people singing. People only sing if they know the song, usually  requires more times singing it than they could possibly have got from it on the train. The boy, they still haven't given us his name yet and they won't for the entire film – he's listed on the wiki page as ‘the hero boy’ – that's pathetic! Are we supposed to be in his shoes? This is a fantasy film! I know they don't name him in the book either, but come on, this is a feature film, and what works in a book doesn't always work on screen.

Seriously, that's not charming, it's creepy, get it off my screen!

He sits down next to someone and is smiled at by someone. And it looks creepy, stop it! They zoom in and it looks even creepier, especially when she shows her teeth. Luckily we have nerdy boy in front to crop up, he knows what kind of train this is (aside from it being magic although I can't exactly explain how) they pass a store and the boy stares at another image of a fake Santa. We get it, HE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN SANTA, MOVE ON!

The conductor arrives wanting tickets (despite the fact that their names were on a list, so why would they need tickets at all?) the boy produces his ticket and it gets punched, a B and an E. The Nerd has an L and an E in his ticket. They make their final stop at Billy's house (yes, he actually has a name) and we get the same routine we got the first time. Except this time Billy struggles to catch the train, the boy uses the emergency brake to stop the train. (Expect a $100 fine in the mail) Billy enters the trainbut decides to isolate himself.

The conductor comes in and yells. He asks whether or not the passengers need refreshment. And it's time for a song? The chefs tap-dance and bring hot chocolate to the passengers. The girl for some reason stashes away a cup of hot chocolate twice, despite the first one not appearing on screen, and the chefs take them away before anyone could possibly have finished, the bastards.

We got hot chocolate, and we're going to risk spilling it all over us in order to do this in dance

The girl decides to bring some hot chocolate to Billy. But the boy notices that she left her ticket behind and it hasn't been punched yet. And because he's an absolute dunce, he decides to bring it to her. She is coming back you know. The ticket flies out of his hands as he's changing cars. But through the power of bullsh*t it'll eventually find its way back.

God that train had to head downhill pretty much straight for this scene to work. So, the Conductor and the girl come back and because he can't punch the ticket, she has to come with him. They go to the back of the train (which makes no sense given where they end up) leading to the nerd suggesting that she's going to be thrown off. Hoping to avoid her being injured, the boy decides to stop the train again but as he's about to pull the lever he spots the ticket in a grate and grabs it.

He goes to the back of the train where Billy tells him that they went onto the roof, for some reason.  The boy climbs up after them. It's a snowstorm out there, health and safety, please. He treads after them but because of the snow he can't get far. He encounters the stowaway who invites them to sit down, and the boy accepts. And the boy explains that he wants to believe in Santa, but really is struggling too (because, you know, the last lot of foreshadowing was so… subtle on this point) the boy suggests to himself that maybe the train isn't real and it’s all in his head.

I'm a ghost, but I can't tell you that because I'm a bit of a d*ck that way

He follows the stowaway but he can not walk very fast. He tries to wake himself up, but it doesn't work (you know, the best way to wake up would probably be jumping off the train) the stowaway comes back with some skies. The train starts going uphill, something trains are usually not known for doing, but then it goes down again, allowing for some skiing , he makes it as far as the fuel carriage as they are about to enter a demon-shaped tunnel (don't ask) the boy jumps into the coal and the stowaway disappears (there was a bit on him possibly being a ghost, but they’re deliberately mysterious on the subject)

Those stalagmites and stalactites must be working closely together to make that scary face thing

It turns out the girl is driving the trains as the engineers check the lights. She shows the boy how to drive the train. Eventually the engineers fix the light, but see a light coming towards them, they tell them to stop the train, and this conversation happens

“What?”
“They want us to stop the train”

“Which one of these was the brake?”
“He told me this was the brake”

“Who did?”

“The engineer”
“The engineer!?”

“Yes”
“What about this red one? It looks like a brake”

Are you kidding me! THIS BOY IS A DUNCE!!!!!!!!!! I could rant for some time over how stupid this conversation is but this is supposed to be a guilty pleasure review, so moving on…

He picks the right brake, which was the one the engineer said it was, bringing the train to a halt at a caribou crossing. Since when do caribou have lights. Anyway, apparently pulling on the engineers beard makes all the caribou go away. Yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t on that too. The train pulls away again, and this time accelerator gets stuck, the pin comes out of the lever (that's poor design if that can happen, you'd think a magical train would be better built), and they’re approaching a very steep cliff.  And the train has become a roller-coaster. More bullsh*t. They approach an area where the ice has frozen over the tracks, and the pin falls out and cracks it which wouldn't be that big an issue unless they're driving over a frozen lake. Oh, they're not are they? The engineer uses his hair pin to slow the train down (you could've possibly helped by applying the brakes) apparently they are, they’re dumb as a brick.

Someone confused train with rollercoaster when building this track (true story)

They manage to control the train through the ice despite the limited friction, and make it back onto land on the tracks before the water (well, should make coming back interesting. The boy returns her ticket and the conductor stamps it, LE, much like the nerd. They come back through a bunch of abandoned toys. And the girl claims it’s so sad that toys were thrown away when they’re not wanted, oh pass me a bucket!

Left alone in the room, the scrooge puppet (because, who wouldn't have wanted one of those for Christmas?) is being controlled by the stowaway (why is really not worth asking) and it's time for pointless back-story in song format. Apparently the girl knows the words of this made-up song, because she continues it. (Look, it's hard enough to believe this in a musical) apparently he's not had a great few Christmases (although we don't know why, nor will we ever find out). They see the Northern Lights, they're now in the Arctic Circle.

And now the train swerves around on a track into the North Pole (now, maybe a pointless question, but it wouldn't it be more efficient if they just went in a straight line?) everyone gets off except Billy, so the boy and the girl, come back onto the train, accidentally unhooking the carriage as they board (more poor train design there). Because it's that easy apparently, Billy says that Christmas just “doesn't work out for me” to which the girl gives an eloquent speech on the beauties of Christmas, someone pass me another bucket!

It will be lonely this Christmas, without you to hold...

The boy tries to chip in, but soon the carriage starts moving, there's apparently no emergency brake other than a wheel which is also a break because, in an emergency, you'll definitely be ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE CARRIAGE! They stop on a track turntable, and it's time for Christmas music. Enjoy. They decide to balance on the tracks and leave, following some bells that the boy can't hear.

They stumble into an elf meeting, where they're watching all the children of the world (it's Christmas eve, 5 to midnight no less, you'd think it'd be a bit late for this). A child has stuck gum into her sister's hair (yeah, this guy gets a name as well), but the elves give him a second chance, what with it begin so close to Christmas) they take and air-chute to somewhere, and the boy, the girl and billy follow suit. The tube ends up in what looks like a factory. They follow the arrows on a conveyor belt until it starts moving, they find convenient safe platforms and discover a present being lowered, and it’s for Billy. Billy decides to chase after it.

Nice setup, wonder how Santa can afford all this, for that matter, how can he afford the materials for any toys? (Vefore the recycling idea anyway)

They go down the water-slide helter-skelter thing, and fall into Santa's sack (you know, that could easy damage some toys if they're near the bottom, also that sack is massive, but it's no Ocean Liner, also, if all the presents are in a sack with no organisation whatsoever how does Santa find all the presents when he arrives. Yeah… I’m putting way too much thought into this aren't I? Billy grabs his present but he can't open it until Christmas because the sticker says so, the sack is pulled up and into the air by flares, rope and a bunch of balloons?

Something grabs Billy's leg, turns out it's the nerd, wanting to find his presents. The elves let air out of the balloons to begin their descent, and some drama later it lands in the back of Santa's sleigh. The elves knew they were in here and help them out, forcing Billy to leave his present behind. Also, it's still 5 to midnight. How is that even possible, and don't give me magic as an excuse, time doesn't stand still!

So, after a few side-show attractions with the Reindeer, Santa himself comes out, but the boy can't see him through the crowd, he gives himself into the truth and says I believe aloud, and suddenly Santa's right next to him (what are the odds?)

AHHH!! Quit looking at me like that

Santa gives some speeches to everyone (pass me another bucket) and chooses the boy as the guy to receive the first gift of Christmas (why is anyone's guess… He is a dunce!) Anyway, he asks for the bell he'd picked up earlier (because everyone wants a bell for Christmas) which he can hear now. Santa takes off as midnight strikes and it’s time for the kids to go home (it was bed-time hours ago)

They get their tickets repunched. The Nerd gets the word learn, Billy gets depend on, rely on and count on (erm… magic?) the girl gets lead and the boy gets (and stop me if you didn't see this coming) believe (what a shock!)

They ask the boy to show his bell, but it's fallen out of his jacket pocket, and the train departs. Billy leaves the train, and is happy to find to his present has already arrived.

Yay, you finally have a Happy Christmas after... Actually, why is it he hasn't previously had good Christmases

The Boy arrives but finds that Santa hasn't arrived yet. The goes to sleep and wakes up, his jacket miraculously undamaged (so… it was a dream?) he wakes up the next morning to a room full of presents and… Right at the back there's a present containing the bell. He and his sister can hear the bell ring, but the parents can't, and as time goes on it stops ringing for her sister too (and yet, she didn't get a visit from a magic train) and thus concludes the film.

He's my bell, I will name him George and I will shake him, and... shake him and... shake him?

So, how was this film? It was OK. The animation is a tad strange, the issue with motion capture is that it can't capture the finer details, so facial expressions either come off as creepy or don’t come off at all. Story-wise, there's a lot of filler if I'm brutally honest. Just about the entire second act on the train was pointless in the overall scheme of things. The nerd was underdeveloped, and we really could've done with learning more about Billy and we could have done with learning the names of the other 3, and just maybe being even introduced to some of the other passengers.

But there's nothing particularly offensive about the movie. Aside from being a tad on the cliché side, there's little to upset anyone in the movie. It's a pretty heart-warming story and while I'll never consider it a great movie, it holds a special place in my heart around Christmas time

Conductor: I feel like a major third wheel here

Merry Christmas everyone

Rage Rating -45%

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Images used in this review are from The Polar Express and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.