#35 - Samuel L Jackson Month - Barely Lethal

It’s Samuel L Jackson Month

And time for the one and only rage review of the month – and the last one until August. This is Barely Lethal

This one’s a tough one folks, it took me 2 viewings and much rambling on twitter (I’ll save it because spoilers) (follow me @rageformedia for more ramblings) to get through this, not to mention copious amounts of alcohol.

We’re back with another lower budget film with this one. Why I keep coming across these action/sci-fi movies with low budget (although this isn’t sci-fi) is baffling. If you’ve not got the budget for grand effects and stunt-work, what’s the point? I mean of course, it could be on a zero budget with no effort (looking at you, Incredible Bulk) but it still baffles me I keep coming across them in this genre.

Before we jump into the review, I want to discuss the rating. According to Wikipedia this movie was originally given an R rating, but they fought to have it rated PG-13 without making substantial cuts and that’s all well and good, except my DVD of the movie is the UK equivalent of R-Rated. Film Brain (@FB_BMB) suggested this is because of an R-rated trailer. And it likely was, there’s a trailer for Rise of the Krays here that really looks like it’s R-rated.

Are you f*cking kidding me with this sh*t? They appeal to the MPAA to get the movie changed to a PG-13 but ruin it by including an R-rated trailer. Sure, they’re not a massive company and want to promote their movies but why not make a PG-13 edited trailer. You are limiting a massive portion of your potential audience with this decision, especially given the subject of the movie but we’ll get to that.

The movie has a mere 22% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, although the audience approval is higher at 39% but even that is not very good.

Let’s dive in and prepare for pain. Lots and lots of pain

After a staggering 1 minute 12 seconds of logos, we actually have the opening credits of the film. It’s animated and I guess it’s supposed to be a kinda animated origin for our title character and her situation. I just wish I cared, I know what’s coming

We open with narration. Goody. Our title character, Megan Walsh (Hailee Steinfeld) is part of a secret institution that turns kids into killing machines. The head of Prescott (the institute) is played by Samuel L motherf*cking Jackson. He makes kids poke holes in teddy bears but Megan uses her pen to draw a face on it instead. His one rule, no attachments, which never really sat right with Megan despite her being good, the best, at everything (this will be drawn into question later)

She defeats an opponent, 84, hand-to-hand in training, in turn the opponent shuns her efforts to help her up. Calling it, she’s the villain of this piece, part of the lazy talentless hack's guide to screenwriting. Megan is activated early despite this very specific flaw and she does recover a briefcase from someone, this is not important.

Of course she’s lamenting the youth she never had and out of curiosity began gathering movies – because they’re exceptionally realistic. You know, for someone who’s supposedly the best at everything you are surprisingly stupid.

OK, so next mission, Victoria Knox, who none of them recognise as their former teacher, also she’s played by Jessica Alba who does not get naked in this movie. She’s an assassin with a massive IQ or something. Megan’s tasked with capturing her, much to 84’s irritation.

No, I can’t take her seriously as a super-villain, no no no. Oh she likes taking out Prescott spies? Good for he. Megan infiltrates and takes out the guards but they’re both picked up a by a plane, Knox is above Megan on the rope, so she cuts the rope sending Megan hurtling into the river they’re now above all of a sudden. I know that a plane was fast but they were in a ruined building 5 seconds ago!

Anyway, Knox turns herself in because reasons. Megan survives the fall, and decides to ignore signals from Jackson and throws her coms device into the water. She takes her chance to escape. She begins doing research about a school exchange programme and finds an appropriate family to stop with in Newton.

She greets the family. The mother Peggy, the brother Parker, the sister Lizzy and the father… who turns out a complete stranger (there was a divorce involved but it’s not really important), you did look at the picture, right? I know by now I’d use the ‘you really are an idiot’ clip but there are about a dozen occasions where that clip could be used so I’m holding off on that for now.

So, we enter the house and she sees her room, which still has family photos in it because… why not? She tries some new food (sniffing inside a bowl? WHAT?) And we see that Parker’s character trait, his one and only character trait is a like of ninjas. You know, What we did on our Holiday, as much as that movie is very, very flawed (I’ll get to it) at least did something with it. Parker is a minor character, quirky is rarely the same as funny.

Guess what, Lizzy doesn’t get along with Megan for no reason! Yet. And we’re off to a bad start with the whole ‘acting like a normal teenager bit’ with use of the phrase ‘it’s a quintessential high school experience’ and I know what you’re about to say, "so she doesn’t speak like a normal teenager, she isn’t one. What point are you making here?" I’ll get to it, believe me.

She sticks a ‘mission profile’ up in her wardrobe. Where did she get all those clothes from anyway? She doesn’t have any money The next morning, she gets out of the bus in the most embarrassing clothing I’ve ever seen. OK, even if I buy the theory she gained her knowledge from watching movies (which I don’t but I’ll get to that) what cr*ppy eco-girly high heeled high school bullsh*t was she watching to think this is what a normal teenager looks like?

Naturally, she’s ridiculed for that look. Lizzy berates her before giving her some new clothes which she has in her locker for some reason. OK, time for cr*ppy jokes about d*cks… It is going to be like this the entire movie, isn’t it? You know, I don’t live in America so I didn’t go to ‘high school’ I’m guess this is like the final year of secondary school, maybe. I’m glad my year wasn’ t that irritating.

So, for no reason that I can think of, Megan’s being introduced in school assembly. Isn’t this like social suicide? Apparently this is the first time the school has ever taken an exchange student despite the fact the family had their photo up for years, 6 of them, if I recall. There’s one guy backstage for some reason who Megan gets talking to. Setting up potential love interest for later? There’s that hack’s guide to script writing coming up again.

He’s apparently an engineer, she calls him an AVGeek. No, an AVgeek is someone who is passionate about AVIATION, not sound and lighting. He wishes her luck, ok, seriously, WHY IS SHE BEING MADE TO GIVE A SPEECH!? Why? I am only about 1/5^th of the way through this schlock, HELP!!!!!!!!!!

As the audience boo her because they’re all morons, they’re stopped by a guy with a guitar who sings a song. Setting up a love triangle now? OH NO!!! I’m out, I don’t do love triangles, I hate romantic sh*t like that. I’m out… That’s enough… This review is over! See you in whichever review I’m doing next.

Rage Rating ∞%

For initial thoughts on movies, comics and video games as well as exclusive updates, click here to like my Facebook page or follow me at @rageformedia on twitter

For more reviews click here

Images/clips used in this review are from Barely Lethal and Avengers Assemble (The Avengers) and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use

OK… apparently I’m under oath to finish this review, great…

Well, at least Lizzie proves less of a bitch by not joining in the booing and dissuading one of her friends from doing it. This is assembly now concludes with a band called the Emoticons performing because… what way is this resembling reality? The lead singer/guitarist is the other love interest btw.

One of the girls offers that Megan sit with them for lunch. She sees they’re cheerleaders and suspects their running an angle because of Mean Girls 3. HELLO! BRAIN? ARE YOU IN THERE? NOT EVERY PERSON IS THE SAME! No, I’m still saving the meme.

So, the teacher is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. OK… It’s I think a science class, which makes the teacher’s attire even more baffling but Megan arrives and takes a seat next to the NOTAvgeek, who in this scene we do find out is called Roger. So after literally nothing happens the bell rings and they leave. This scene serves so much purpose. Like… finding out Roger’s name and… and…

The lead singer from the Emoticons (I feel dumber every time I write that) and a teacher gently slaps him in the face. THIS GUY IS NOT FIT TO BE TEACHING, CALL WHATEVER BODY DEALS WITH THAT IN THE US. 

He offers to jam with him after school, because that’s not at all creepy.

Later that day or possibly in the night, I can’t tell, Megan goes Mission Impossible (why does a classroom have a skylight for this to work? For that matter, how does she have the equipment for this to work?) to change the seating plan so she’s next to the lead singer. We find out here, and I’m pretty sure this is the first time, his name is Cash.

Next day, Roger is dropped off by his father at the school, and prepare for a PSA on drugs in 3, 2, 1. Oh sh*t, I don’t have the clip, just know there is one and it’s awkward, painful and entirely unnecessary.

So, Megan sits next to Cash but he’s called to be the teacher’s lab assistant. THIS IS A JOKE! LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH, GODDAMN YOU, LAUGH!!! 25% of the way through… I’ll get there, I’ll get there.

OK, so 2 girls come over to her and say that most of the ‘sluts’ that hang around him aren’t his type, his type is apparently those that dress up. OK, you are a spy, you’re supposed to be good, nay, the best, you were assuming before that you were being manipulated by girls who were trying to be friendly but YOU DON’T NOTICE HOW YOU’RE VERY OBVIOUSLY BEING MANIPULATED NOW! OK, I’ve stalled long enough, cue the clip.

                                                                   

They show her a poster for the being a mascot and claim he loves school spirit or some sh*t. She auditions, twirling an exe and doing some gymnastics, that’s not really what mascots do but… Anyway, she gets the position.

Later on she sees a white van, and she notices the white van again during a lesson. On the playing field men in black suits ambush her. She fights them off but soon discovers they’re students doing an initiation ritual. OK, where did they get the white van, why were they stalking her home and her in class? AND WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA! She runs off in embarrassment,

Roger comes after her. Roger’s dad picks him up and more embarrassing bullsh*t follows. Megan decides to have a hissy fit in the house, where EVERYONE CAN HEAR HER. Did I use the idiot clip too soon? Penny consoles her and bla bla bla, skipping this scene.

So, back to the actual “plot.” Jackson comes back to interrogate Knox, she accuses him of destroying lives and says at least the people she works with know they're assholes. 84 interrupts and that joke earned a kinda smile from her. And that’s enough from the plot, back to the tedious sh*t, this movie is so incredibly...

Megan enters the Library is greeted with thunderous applause from everyone, apparently the video of her fighting off the kidnappers got 83000 views. *sighs* what’s worse is it got 3 copyright claims within the first hour by people who don’t own the video. (#WTFU)

Megan realises what this might mean but it’s too late, the video’s going no-where. But before she can dwell on that Cash invites her to a ‘jamming’ session this weekend. Lizzie is a d*ck about it, calling her sketchy, which she’s not wrong about that to be fair.

We cut to the jamming session where Roger sneaks up on her and is knocked down. LAUGH! They commence shop-talking and really trying to sell the idea that this is the right couple… Seriously, do they pronounce the name Lara Croft in the games differently in America? Her name is Lara, as in Lahra, nor Laura.  

Cash and co arrive and he asks her a favour, an honest opinion on a piece of music. In my own opinion, it’s kinda good. They play video games and he claims it’s nice to talk to someone who understands the pressure of being famous and suddenly alarm bells start ringing. And again she shows off way too much knowledge.

OK, I’m well past the point where I should’ve brought this up. How is the she the best in spy school? Surely part of the business is infiltration, effective researching, keeping cover and being able to read people. She has shown herself completely inept at all of those skills to the point where I do not believe for a second she was ready for the life of a professional assassin. Let’s count all the mistakes
Poor research using only magazines and girly DVDs (1), not knowing what AVGeek means (2), falsely accusing people of manipulating her (3), not knowing when someone’s actually manipulating her (4), committing feats of exceptional skill unbefitting of her cover identity (5), wearing improper attire to school (6), referencing tactics unbefitting of her cover identity and this is the third time now (7-9). That’s 9 basic errors!

He invites her to a party on Friday (since this is the weekend, presumably that’s 5-6 days away) she walks down the street, being followed by a car and is knocked out. She wakes up with Samuel L Jackson in front of her, naturally the YouTube video allowed them to track her down. You know, a pair of glasses and a different hair style might not have hurt your cover. Worked for Clark Kent, didn't it?

Oh... Anyway, he asks who she’s working for, under threat of torture, or via truth serum. Oh look, the torturer is more emotionally sensitive than Jackson (yeah, I know that’s not his name, but since I’ve not heard it mentioned, that’s what I’m calling him) oh the irony. Seriously though, she hasn’t made a move against you, why would she be working for anybody? Megan points out that just taking her away would raise a lot of red flags, and asks for a day to tie up her loose ends. Jackson agrees.

Looks like Parker found one of Megan’s swords (10). They find Megan barely conscious outside. I presume she’s acting drunk, or is under the influence of the truth drug, because if she isn’t, this is really, really stupid.

Back at the high school, Megan talks to Roger about the party and his dad and erm, she walks over to Cash, performing to 3 other girls. Meanwhile, Lizzy tries to convince her mother not to let her go to the party, by the way, those 24 hours are up and she hasn’t said a word to anybody about leaving. Anyway, Penny just says if she’s so worried, she should also go. Oh and Parker has found a taser now (11). You really should lock dangerous weapons away.

So we cut to the party where it seems 84 has been sent to keep an eye on Megan. And, oh my god, she’s already 100% better at keeping a cover the Megan! Oh it turns out Jackson’s name is Hardman… Yeah, I’m gonna keep calling him Jackson. So the plan is if they can’t get her out, they’ll have to force her out by ruining her social life. Because that is totally how that will work out.

Her cover identity is Heather, and I’m still calling it, she’s the villain of this picture, just wait… 47 minutes to go, 42 if you discount credits. Lizzy finds the guy who’s been obsessed with dicks all movie (you know, I think the writer has heard of a high school student, not entirely sure what one is) his name is Bernard and since he has tequila, she joins him, in the bathtub.

Oh for goodness sake, they’re not, they’re doing the love triangle the other way. Now with Heather and Megan competing over Cash’s affections. F*ck this movie!

They use fu-fu to head to Cash and arrive at the same time. Cut to Bernard confessing his overbearing father to Lizzy, oh it’s actually an act, quoting from a movie. If he was an important character this might actually mean something, as it is, it’s just more nothing to pad this movie out.

Roger arrives and starts searching the room, he asks Lizzy where Megan is, she and Bernard are mega-drunk at this point. He finally sees Megan kissing Cash and is a little heartbroken from it. Dude… If you didn’t know she was in love with Cash, you haven’t been paying attention. Lizzy passes out on the couch but Cash invites them out for waffles.

Megan sees Heather and decides to go for Waffles and leaving Lizzy on the sofa, in the house of a stranger, on her own. I really did use the idiot clip too soon, so here it is again

Cash invites her to the homecoming dance. Taking revenge, Heather draws a dick on Lizzy’s face. Both of them are chewed out by Penny the following morning. Monday morning and Jackon’s impersonating the school bus driver. Knox has escaped and he is pulling her out to somewhere safe. She responds with their deal, he allowed 24 hours, you’ve had days now.

Jackson tells her if she wants to go it alone, he won’t be coming back (yeah… right). So Lizzy is driving with Megan, chewing her out over what had happened when a black car approaches and begins shooting. Oh my god, an action scene, we’re only an hour into the movie and we finally have one! Panicked, Megan reveals everything as she takes control of the car and begins ramming the black car. This is going to be difficult to explain when it comes to making an insurance claim.

They manage to crash the black car in the junkyard but also end up crashing themselves. Megan’s fine and goes to check on the black car, but it’s empty, all she can smell is the same perfume Heather was using and from that she instantly presumes that she’s a double agent. She reports this to Jackson who said he thought she died during Knox’s escape. He did not assign her to shadow her (she’s a villain – called it). You know, that’s 2 agents that have faked their death now, you’re bad at your job, Jackson.

Lizzy’s been taken to hospital, and Peggy has not been informed. Roger arrives for some reason, and he acts kind of jealous of Cash. Why should they end up together again? Lizzy’s awakens and is honestly much nicer a person. Megan says she has to leave to keep her and her family safe and yes this is a variation on the whole ‘lying to keep you safe’ bit that I rant about constantly on the Flash and Arrow. Here though, it works.

Still, Lizzy’s taking this remarkably well and actually convinces her to stay. She tears down her mission board, leaving only a picture Parker drew when he stole her goggles this time (12). Oh and she also walks into the hospital (I’ve yet to see Penny or Parker visit, or ask any questions about that or the crashed car) on Lizzy and Bernard having ‘private time.’ Can we get back to the plot? It was actually getting interesting.

In a fashion montage they prepare for homecoming dance and observe weapons, that’s a lot of weapons, where did she get this all from? They sit outside and talk about killing someone. Lizzy says she’s never actually killed anyone. Well, so they’re not assassins exactly, which means they're spies, my point about how cr*p she is undercover is even more valid.

You know what though, I like this, we have 2 people talking like nice people. Which is why I think this should’ve been done much earlier, but I’ll get to this when I conclude.

They’re picked up by their Homecoming dates and taken to it. Why the f*ck is the science teacher there in any capacity? Cash is less willing to dance because his band is up next, he also doesn’t get a bad joke about cheese. Roger arrives, purportedly dateless, Megan is going to dump Cash for seemingly no reason but he heads to the stage, saying they’ll talk about this later.

You know what? I didn’t really notice this the first time but this reflects so badly on Megan as a character. Cash has not done anything ill toward her at all in the entire movie and it’s perfectly understandable to have to sacrifice certain parts of a homecoming dance if they’re performing at it and now Megan wants to sacrifice all that for the guy who went bitter the moment she and Cash kissed.

She goes to Roger and tries to apologise (for what?!) but Roger already has a date, Heather. Lizzy sees the two and goes to back Megan up. It’s fight time with dialogue from Heather that’s so mean-spirited I struggle to take it seriously. Heather has no depth as a villain. I knew she was a villain thanks to her jealousy issues but she’s woefully underdeveloped and why she’d care about Megan after she faked her death is baffling, she gets what she wanted, she’s the top agent now, but she joins forces with the villain because reasons…

Having said that, it’s a relatively well done fight. Oh and Knox has offered to kill the rest of the family. They knock her out and head to the house. OK, what does Knox get out of this arrangement? What does anyone get out of this arrangement? But guns don’t outrank guns so Megan has to drop hers.

Megan goads Knox into a fight and plenty of property damage ensues. Parker uses one of the grenades from earlier and Jackson arrives with reinforcements. He offers a new deal with her as an off the books agent in deep cover. Again, if this was a possibility, why wasn’t it better trained into agents? And they let her go off to the dance.

Roger is heading home with his oh so painful to watch father when they’re stopped by a helicopter. Megan steps out pleading for him. You know, this would’ve worked if Cash had been anything less than a good guy to her. But as it is, it feels so shallow. But an ending is an ending, and we’re approaching the ending, finally. Heather asks an assailant to find out which college Megan’s applying for because she's vindictive like that

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

I’ll give this movie credit, the last 30 minutes of the movie are mostly entertaining, if the whole movie was more like that I’d be able to forgive its flaws but this movie is just so boring. The plot has no ground to stand on.

The idea is solid but the problem with Megan is that she forgets everything she’s learned about being undercover the moment she tries to live a normal life. I’d forgive her if it were one or two but I made the count, at least 10 mistakes were made and she should know better than making and they serve no bearing on the plot.

Then we have the antagonists, neither of them have depth to them, neither of them have any plan and despite an interesting twist on Knox and the end, neither of them are very compelling. It also doesn’t help that neither of them showed any prowess before the final act.

Let’s talk about the love triangle. There are 2 ways this could’ve been played better, either A) have Cash be a bit more of jerk so Megan’s smitten-ness feels fleeting with him. Honestly he was a good guy it’s just his situation. The other is to have Roger be less of a jerk upon discovering them in a relationship.

It’s not as if Megan was dishonest, she’s expressed like for Cash on multiple occasions in front of Roger. But I suppose his jealousy is necessary to get him to hook up with Heather for no reason. And where the f*ck did Megan get that helicopter?

Lizzy is the only other character of note in this, although good for her and Bernard to end up together. And yeah, I’ve already said I wish Megan had revealed herself somewhat earlier. Whilst I get her early hesitation and I respect her attitude on certain fronts (like not booing her) she was much more likeable once things got going. From Megan’s perspective, having someone to talk to honestly is usually a better way to give character development, as none of it is falsified. It also helps that you can discuss story a bit more easily, and it would’ve helped the movie’s practically stagnant pace.

Rage Rating: 5000%

For initial thoughts on movies, comics and video games as well as exclusive updates, click here to like my Facebook page or follow me at @rageformedia on twitter

For more reviews click here

Images/clips used in this review are from Barely Lethal, The Simpsons, Ratchet and Clank, Ratchet and Clank (Future): A Crack in Time, Superman (comic) and Avengers Assemble (The Avengers) and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use