#33 - Superhero Movie

I love Superhero Movies. They’re my favourite genre of movie and it’s almost guaranteed these days that I’ll watch a Superhero Movie. (A few indie films notwithstanding) but I won’t deny that they can be formulaic. There’s plenty of clichés that come with superheroes that make the genre perfect for parody, here’s a guide of how not to do it.

Superhero Movie is another of those ‘movie movies’ that “satirises” popular movies in a particular genre. The most popular is the ‘Scary Movie’ which has spawned a fluttering of sequels. The basic formula is sadly a bunch of references with little to no effort. And whilst I’m not above making references myself

  

Epic Movie particularly has them ad-nauseam.  How bad is this one? Let’s dig in

OK, first off, there are product advertisements in the DVD, that won’t date this move whatsoever… Were they that desperate for money that they got paid to put ads on a DVD, which we already pay for?

We open with… A series of shots outlining the ‘protagonist’’s costume. A joke about superhero credits or just laziness? I’m inclined to think the latter. Especially this goes on for nearly 3 minutes. We truly open on… is that Drake Bell? The whiny voice from Space Warriors and thing I hate the most about Ultimate Spider-man? Great, this is off to a good start.

He, named Rick, runs after a bus and after a series of pratfalls he gets on and has issues finding a seat. He takes a seat next to his black best friend who’s taking a drink from an idrink because funny, I guess. They’re going on a class trip.

So, a class trip, a nerdy outsider with a whiny voice who is in love with someone who doesn’t know he exists, I wonder which origin they’re ripping off… I mean “parodying” first. The black guy has every black stereotype I can think of. He points out that every stereotype possible is on the bus: The sporty idiots, the smart people, the people with eye makeup and stupid hair, the cosplayers, the how the f*ck did they get on the bus crew, the seriously how the f*ck did they get on the bus crew. Oh, and there’s the Rickpunchers – that’s a joke that ends in Rick getting punched. You can see the calibre of humour they’re aiming for here.

The Black Guy is named Trey and he punches Rick also, trying to join the Rickpunchers. OK, that’s 0 likeable characters established, let’s get to the Spider-man “parody.” They head into the genetics lab and are allowed to roam unsupervised. Rick tries to get the girl but begins taking a photo just as they say no flash photography, the bird he was photographing sets on fire, because funny. LAUGH!

He tries to put out the fire but succeeds only in angering our Flash Thompson rip-off who prepares to attack until our Norman Osborn rip-off intervenes. He’s a bit ill, what a surprise. So Rick is asked about his parents. They died ‘violently’ (I’ll get to that) 5 years ago and he lives with his Aunt and Uncle now. You know, the only way this could be less subtle is if they put a neon flashing sign saying ‘we’re ripping off Spider-man’ on the screen.

Once Norman Osborn rip-off departs, Flash Thompson rip-off pushes Rick into some sh*t (if there were a metaphor for the movie, it’s here) Rick tries to wash himself off using a spray that he didn’t even stop to think of why it would be there or reading the full label. It’s actually H₂O₉ an element that does not and probably cannot exist that’s apparently a strong sexual attractor. Guess what the joke is folks?

Those animals don’t even look remotely real, but that might be for good reason. He shows the group a dragonfly cage, there’s a dragonfly missing, you’ll never guess where this is going? Yeah, it bites Rick on the neck. I’ll try and act shocked about this never. Rick ends up covered in H₂O₉ just at the same time the larger animals are released. Thankfully the scene cuts away before the awfulness would occur

We cut to the household where Aunt May rip-off is alerted to the fact that Rick walked off the trip, but not about all the other very public things that happened involving animals doing things to him. And we’re introduced Uncle Albert (yes, I know that sounds like it came straight from Mary Poppins) his voice reminds me a bit of Sully from the Uncharted series. It’s not the same actor but…

Rick bursts in, wallowing around in pain with none of them noticing. Albert comes to provide a few good jokes (sort of) before Rick collapses. Back at Not Oscorp, it’s revealed that not Norman has only an hour left to live, his only hope, a chair? The machine is designed to alter his DNA a bit so he’s healthy again. It doesn’t work, instead it gives him the probably far more complicated ability to drain the life force out of someone and restore his health that way. He starts with the board of directors.

Rick wakes up after having slept for 5 whole days without anyone calling a hospital or anything. Albert was in bed with him… Oh and we get the obligatory fart joke here.

He uses a medical symptoms checker which mocks him for being a virgin. Don’t know if this is parodying how old the actors playing these so called kids are or if they’re just doing a ‘he’s a virgin’ joke. If the latter, and I know this may seem odd given the circumstances, but go f*ck yourselves.

He’s given a message from a profXblablablabla (you never guess who that’s a rip-off of) saying he’ll be sought out. Rick goes to his window, much like in Spider-man he’s next door neighbours with his love interest and they still barely know one another. Anyway, he sees her about to take off her bra (this is rated 12 for a reason) but it’s another bra underneath. She makes a thong from dental string because joke. And is gone the next time he looks

At the Empire City (looking rather remarkable after the beast’s destruction in Infamous 2 and the nail bomb from Holy Terror) High School, no-one bats an eye at Rick’s likely non-attendance after 5 days of sleep. It’s their science fair and who has come to judge but golly gee it’s Stephen Hawking. If you’ve guessed what jokes are coming from this, I am so sorry but you’re right.

Rick finds his hands stick to a water fountain, he accidentally hits not Flash with the thing, which given what it was made of would likely have killed him. Hijinks to f*cking follow. Anyway, Rick passes an alley and climbs a wall, then starts breakdancing because joke. 

An out of control bus is heading towards on old lady, Rick pushes her out of the way, likely breaking most of her fragile bones in the process. Never mind, she’s being digested in a leaf digester (or whatever you call those things) anyway

Back at the house, Trey is helping Uncle Albert put up a kitchen shelf with a nail gun. When Rick walks in, Uncle Albert accidentally fires a nail at him, which he catches. He initially claims it’s easier than it looks but Albert shoots Trey with it without him catching it, proving otherwise.

Rick claims he has superpowers and bets that Albert won’t be able to land one punch. Albert punches Trey, winning the bet. They suggest he might have armoured skin which is confirmed as Albert tries to stab him with a knife. Trey is excited about fame and money, Albert makes sure to add ‘bitches’ to that list.

Rick runs out and flashes to Batman rip-off. They went to see the opera, when they’re attacked by a mugger. Rick attacks the mugger but in the attack several shots are set off that kill his parents. The father gets a long dying speech about something. They wanted him to be a hero despite demonstrating that he f*cking useless at it.

Time for a rip-off… I mean ‘parody’ of the fence scene from Spider-man. After a mention of cars he google searches for one cheap but gets a message from Professor Xavier (not even trying to cover this one up) saying that his powers are growing and he will need help to control them. Video buffering distorts the message..

Rick tries to get a loan but he’s refused, despite some aggressive tactics (who thought rubbing his crotch would help?) you can guess where this is heading. The bank is robbed, Rick does nothing and his Uncle gets shot and taken to hospital

Not Norman Osborn rather quickly runs out of energy and has to feed on a Secretary. At the hospital, Rick is visited by not Mary Jane. The Doctor is f*cking insane. Rick is contacted by Professor Xavier and is taken to the school for the ‘non-asian gifted’ full of perverts, idiots, Wolverine, Storm, the Invisible Woman and Mrs Xavier? It’s also full of some of the ‘best’ humour of the movie as Xavier travels on various non-wheelchair items whilst remaining at the same height.

After a plastic doll kills the Professor Mrs Xavier tells Rick to make a costume. Damn, they killed off the one funny character in a joke that wasn’t even funny. He draws some designs, some of which are truly pathetic but he ends up in a green gimp suit. Also some actual parody as we see he initially struggles to breathe and see through his mask. That wasn’t so hard, was it?

So, with eyes and a breathing hole in his mask, we get some more parody as he stares broodingly over the city. But to f*ck it up. Who interrupts him, The Human Torch? Really. I’m guessing this is a rights issue since Fox owns the production company behind these and only Fox owned Marvel heroes are directly referenced but SINCE WHEN WAS THE HUMAN TORCH KNOWN FOR SITTING ON GARGOYLES?

You need a Batman or Dardevil or someone like that for this to work right, although you couldn’t do the joke of him being scared of being set on fire… Yeah…

So, Dragonfly saves the day, gets called gay because reasons, gets an interview from a discount Tom Cruise, you know, not every superhero can fly, you now. Oh and Tom Cruise died. Next scene.

So, not Norman Osborne has to kill to survive and will need Cerilium, a chemical in the University from the Steven Hawking project to stabilise that inside him. Rick sees a paper offering money for photos of the Dragonfly, time for a J Jonah Jamerson knock-off, he’s taken back to the mental ward this place shares a property with…

Anyway, like a massive tw*t, Rick gives him pictures of himself in his own f*cking bedroom. Oh and he posts of picture of him with someone in cosplay to throw of the scent. Good job he did that? He’s alerted to a stand-off at the university because the newspaper company has a police scanner or something

We cut to the University where not Norman Osborn has taken on a costume that would be better suited to a season of Power Rangers but Rick comes and punches him in. They exchange clichés until they stop, feeling motion sick because of the spinning camera. The ‘Hourglass’ throws some blades and Dragonfly fails at another Spider-man move and gets hit by the blades, allowing the ‘Hourglass’ to escape.

Not Aunt May reminds Rick that his enemies can get to him through those he loves, so the in the next scene he immediately confronts Not Mary-Jane. He’s about to tell her but suddenly he gets some useful and some not useful voices in his head all telling him not to, so he doesn’t. She’s attacked and the Dragonfly saves her using in another spider-man ripoff… I mean parody. It starts raining just to complete the ripoff.

The upside down thing doesn’t work so they kiss face to face. Cops pass them by and Rick has to go. Meanwhile, not Norman Osborn discovers thanks to a Windows Death Machine with the stupid paper clip that if he kills nearly 48000 he’ll be immortal. Back at the house. Not Mary Jane is helping not Aunt May prepare a thanksgiving dinner.

Not Norman Osborn and Not Flash Thompson arrive for dinner for some reason. Not Norman Osborn, who’s now suspicious of Rick for reasons goes up to his room to check on him, whilst he’s using the toilet in the costume, this is disgusting, get this joke off my screen now. After re-enacting a Tom and Jerry Cartoon... I got nothing, get this scene off my screen, now!

As the both make excuses for their various injuries, Not Norman Osborn, clearly not believing any of Rick’s lies decides to leave. Rick and Not Mary Jane clean up with more obligatory fart jokes. The Hourglass crashes the party, killing her. Did I mention that the Doctor is f*cking insane? I’m not laughing just wondering how he’s a trained doctor.

Oh, Uncle Albert is awake. OK, I was once going to say Uncle Albert was the saving grace of this film, but then there’s a joke about him f*cking a corpse, so I might just take that back before I even say it. Rick dumps Not Mary Jane and walks down Shameless Avenue where everyone seems to be f*cking. And then gorges on junk food, turning his house into a mess and growing that depression beard. Oh, the beard is fake…

Uncle Albert shows the extremely length inscription on that ring I haven’t mentioned that Rick has convincing him to get back into the fight. They find the Hourglass’ target: a convention where thousands of people are in one place, although I highly doubt 48000.

Not Norman Osborn has taken Not Flash Thompson and Not Mary Jane as guests for the erm… award ceremony. He’s award ‘douchebag of the year’ which is a tad harsh. Rick confronts him but alerts him that one of the guests is the Hourglass. Like a freaking idiot Rick doesn’t know yet, so Not Norman Osborn points him towards the Dali Llama, so the Dragonfly attacks, the end result being a massive fight. It provides a distraction as Not Norman Osborn sets up the device.

Not Norman Osborn steals a hover chair and throws a few knives in the Dragonfly's direction with Not Mary Jane taking at least one of them for him. Stephen Hawking (who is definitely not Steven Hawking) inspires him to continue and that heroism comes from within. Hourglass prepares his weapon the Dragonfly arrives, draining some life force from the machine to help Not Mary Jane. Hourglass throws a bomb which ends up getting stuck on Dragonfly’s crotch. He flips so the explosive goes off and destroys the machine, and most probably his balls

Not Mary Jane is falling so Dragonfly jumps after her, but he can’t fly so they’re both falling. Not Mary Jane sees the ring and works out his secret, they kisss and he grows wings for a dues-ex machina. Uncle Albert brings Steven Hawking up to the roof so he can be pushed off the edge. We end on more narration as Rick gets hit by a helicopter.

Oh and the credits are padded out with deleted scenes and out-takes, I don’t give a sh*t so neither should you

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

This movie is so odd to me, it’s cheapness shows in lacklustre effects and props, the babies are all plastic mannequins. Couldn’t even scrape butt-ugly CGI. None of the characters are all that likeable, the story feels like a direct rip-off of Spider-man with a bit of Spider-man 2 in for good measure.

But beyond all the biggest issue is the humour of this. It’s NOT FUNNY!

I know humour is subjective but cleverness is better than slapstick under most circumstances and this movie does have rare moments of brilliance but 95% of the movie is either slapstick, crass or sex jokes and none of those appeal to me at all.

Drake Bell is not a bad actor, he just has the Hayden Christian voice syndrome and is a bit of a pr*ck, particularly to beliebers, which might just cancel itself out. But he doesn’t help make Rick likeable, a trait that most of the cast share unfortunately.

It really doesn’t take advantage of all the material that’s available, sticking to the safer option of movies from the early 2000s, with heavy references to Spider-man, Fantastic 4 and the X-men. Barely any DC references outside the death of parents in an alleyway.

Rage Rating: 130%

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Images used in this review are from Superhero Movie, Ratchet and Clank, Animaniacs, Ratchet and Clank: A Crack in Time and Justice League Unlimited and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.