4 issue Test #22 - Jughead

In the latest title to enter the Archie reboot, Archie’s pal, Jughead Jones takes a title role. Given how enjoyable I’ve found Archie, I decided to take a look at this one. Much like last time, I’m not going to review covers because there are tonnes of them and I will riff on the side-stories at the end after the scores. I won’t be scoring them because they’re not original content and they’ve aged a bit since their original releases. With that said, let’s dig into to our favourite hamburger enthusiast in Jughead #1-4

Issue 1 opens with Jughead spending the night eating Pizza and Noodles (Classic Combo) whilst playing video games. The next morning he sees Archie outside and sends his dog to greet him first, who jumps on Archie, they need to be at Riverdale in 10 minutes. Archie was going to drive them, but his car has broken down again.

As they arrive at school, Archie asks how he’s still awake, Jughead jokes that he eats so much and moves so little he doesn’t need sleep. Betty is trying to get people to sign a petition against the Lodge family developing the Fox Forest, which was part of the land they bought when moving here. Archie signs but Jughead refuses, it won’t do any good in the long run.

In class Mr Weatherbee, the Principal of the school, states that the Board of Governors, in an attempt to modernise the school have replaced Mr Weatherbee as Principal with Mr Stranger. Betty arrives, having cleared up her petition table and Jughead says she now has something else to protest, he places his feet up on the desk, earning the ire of Mr Stranger

They head to the canteen for lunch, expecting a tasty lasagne but are instead greeted with their new menu, purple stuff from the Sunny D commercials. Jughead gets panicked about this and eventually faints, providing a framing device for our imagination portion of the coming. Game of Jones (guess what this is a parody of?)

Because I know jack sh*t about Game of Thrones most of these references fly over my head, so I’m gonna try and give the basics. For citizens other than soldiers, real food has been downgraded to greymeal, the chef says if they don’t like it they need to take it up with the king. The King announces that this will be the case until they win the War of a Thousand Years. But there’s a tournament of battle against his greatest Knight, Reggie with a platter of ‘fireburgers’ at stake.

Reggie does not raise his hand, not wanting to die but a couple of his friends tell him about the legendary dragon burger, so powerful it contains an infinite number of hamburgers (dropped the fireburger pretence already, I see) they do not know of the location but Mr Weatherbee does. Archie and Jughead set out to find it but Reggie is following to intercept.

The burger is guarded by a dragon which burns Archie to a crisp. Reggie passes the dragon but the burger is just like a rock, he too is burned. The dragon approaches Jughead, and asks whether he likes hamburgers. He says yes and is awarded with a burger seed which grows burgers on trees (don’t argue with it, it’s dream logic)

Back in the real (ish) world, Jughead wakes up and thanks to something Betty says comes to the startling realisation that *gasp* you can make food. He enters a home economics class and asks the teacher to teach him how to make hamburgers. Naturally he’s perfect first time spouting awe from classmates and praise from the teacher (are we sure this is not still the dream sequence?) anyway, having learned what he wanted to learn, he leaves (because you can do that apparently) and has an idea.

He begins selling burgers in the cafeteria with all proceeds going to the Fox Forest Campaign (when money talks and all that) everyone is piling in, much to the displeasure of Mr Stranger. He tries to put a stop to it but Jughead hands him an agreement from the Student Union allowing an area of the cafeteria to sell anything, including food, for charity.

Issue 2 opens with Jughead and Kevin enjoying a milkshake, Jughead has no money so Kevin reluctantly agrees to pay. Archie and Betty arrive, they were in detention, you’re now able to get detention for pretty much everything but Jughead has thus far avoided them

We cut to Gym Class where Coach Eng challenges them to a race, the last 5 to cross the line get detention. Jughead pushes through but ends up in the bottom five and in detention. He falls asleep and it’s time for dream sequence.

This one is entitled the Time Detective. Jughead is confronted by January McAndrews, a descendent of Archie (who became Scottish at some point) from the 29^th century where the Force were wiped out. People and creatures from other times were ravaging her time thanks to the machinations of Rex Mantalor, Reggie’s descendent. Jughead recommends killing Reggie but the one rule she has is not changing what has already happened (then why did you come back in the first place?) anyway, apparently Jughead becomes the greatest of the Time Police (8 centuries early and it’s established in the last issue he’s asexual, so he probably doesn’t have any direct descendants)

January hands Jughead a chrono-crown which serves some purpose I’m sure. Jughead has an idea, if they jump to a week before the attack happens, they can prepare in secret and jump into action when the past January leaves, her recordings providing some tactical advantage. Since her past self didn’t see them in the future (my head hurts), they’re not going to be seen.

They head to the future where Riverdale is now Riv3rdal3 because they lost the letter e (I guess this is supposed to be a joke?) and they get to work. To cut a boring story short they defeat Rex and Jughead wakes up, the detention master also asleep, they agree to never talk about it again. Jughead is determined to never end up in detention again

It’s obstacle course day with anyone not succeeding within a certain time limit in detention. Jughead uses trickery to get a good time. He sees the principal who finds a knife in his bag, his days at Riverdale High may be over…

Issue 3 opens with Jughead passing time pretending to play video games. His video games were taken away following his expulsion, he pleads that he didn’t intentionally bring a knife to school and she believes him… I have no f*cking words. Why are you punishing him for something you believe he didn’t do? Anyway, he goes to takes his dog for a walk.

At the Headmaster’s office Jughead’s father insists that his knife was a fishing knife he used, he sometimes uses his son’s backpack for fishing trips. On his way out he sees Betty, he tells her he’s managed to negotiate it to a week-long suspension (what?) it was his knife but there’s something off, Jughead would not carry a weapon.

Archie is trying to pilot a drone because reasons but he loses control and it’s on fire, as a result he’s forced to write an essay. Betty is excused for what she presumes to be some sort of conflict of interest (this not ringing alarm bells, parents?)

Archie runs into Jughead, it’s crazy at the school, no-one’s even talking about how great he is at guitar because they’re all talking about Jughead’s expulsion and they’re teaching them how to hack things and…

Mr Stranger tells Jughead his expulsion has been downgraded to a week suspension, he is about to add a week for being on school grounds before Jughead, with Archie as a witness, points out his feet are both on the pavement, he can’t even pick up his dog’s sh*t because that would involve being on the grounds. Archie is instead forced to pick it up

Jughead is at Pop’s Milkshake diner and falls asleep for our next imagination segment, a Man from U.N.C.L.E. parody., ‘The man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. A drone smashes into the bar, followed by a giant robot, Jughead uses a pistol I think to defeat the robot. Pop thought that Archie was the man from R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. but they’re all part of the same team. Apparently this was an attempt from C.R.U.S.H. to hobble P.O.P. (Protect our Planet)

They can now use their secret identities as students to discover whether teachers were working for C.R.U.S.H. They are and they destroy the robots, including Reggie, they confront the real deals who eventually capture them, revealing their plan to use children as secret agents but EMP activates, the real teachers are rescued but Jughead is seen with his ice gun and suspended

Jughead wakes up and things begin to add up. They’re being trained as secret agents

I… I have no words for this…

Issue 4 opens with Jughead revealing all he knows to all his friends, they’re not so sure and abandon him one at a time. In class they’re set the task of reading the book. “Why America is always right” and Jughead hears that multiple people are getting suspensions.

At gym, as Jughead didn’t stand to attention when called, he gets to be a dodgeball target, and this is our segway into the next imagination segment “The legend of Slackbeard”

Jughead is being forced to walk the plank for being lazy, although the only reason he has slack in his name is because he can’t grow a beard. He falls into the ocean but Betty cuts one of the escape boats off for him. He drifts until he’s picked up by Captain Principal, Quartermaster Lodge and First Mate Doiley aka Dilton. Lodge thinks he might be bad news but the Captain says she can kill him after they see if he’s of use.

They follow the map to the treasure but Jughead and Dilton stay outside, apparently terrified of caves. It’s a fake map they’ve been following but the Captain realises and catches the pair as they dig up the real treasure. The recipe for chocolate milkshake which includes eggs and sugar??? Chocolate, ice cream, milk blend done.

They fight then January arrives saying that the time police sent him to find that recipe but he got amnesia, he doesn’t trust her but gets hit in the head by a coconut and wakes up.

It was Dilton who hit him in the face, as they head to do laps Jughead suggests that he can maybe make it up to him. He wants Dilton to hack into the school but the school has safeguards that would mean they’d be caught but he’s developed a device that can send data from the computer’s monitor to another computer but they have to plug it into the Principle’s computer.

After some nifty distractions they succeed and they gather the gang back to witness the results. But the headmaster’s one step ahead of them and had a display ‘Hello. Mr Jones’ on his screen. This is too clever for just a headmaster and they do believe him. But the question is… Now what?

So that was Jughead issues 1-4, what did I think..? I don’t know where to start

OK, Archie to me is funny because whilst it was goofy at points it was reasonably grounded in its goofyness. Jughead on the other hand has no grounding in reality whatsoever. It is completely insane that this plot was chosen. The teachers are turning students into secret agents… I was sometimes struggling to tell what was part of the dream sequence and what was actually real.

As a result of this it really didn’t make me laugh. I’m just too busy staring at awe wondering what drugs Chip Zdardsky was on to write this as the real world. I’m sorry this is the wrong title to be doing this kind of plot. When you have points where it dabbles into imagination it becomes more important that the real world segments are not only distinct but grounded, this fails in that regard and I’m not usually a fan of this kind of segment anyway.

It also doesn’t help that the dream sequences add almost nothing to the narrative, there are better ways to show that Jughead has an active imagination than having him dream something every time. There are no stakes with them, no meaning, no relevance, no progression and the jokes are few and far between.

And if you really had to do this 'boy who cried wolf' narrative, hold off on it until you've established your characters.

It doesn’t help that the artwork looks amateurish. The faces of characters that aren’t Jughead generally look off, Betty in particular I notice. It’s okay in the first issue but it gets progressively worse. That and the dream sequences could've used a different artist to make them look more distinct.

Then we have the continuity issues. One of the issues directly references an Archie issue from the reboot, but the dynamics between most of the characters are completely off. Reggie’s barely made a presence as an antagonist in Archie yet, the Betty/Archie and Archie/Veronica dynamics have disappeared and the scene where Archie was complaining about people not talking about how good

he was at guitar. He’s played once to a crowd and it wasn’t exactly by choice!

I know effort has gone into this and I really regret having to say this. Archie was probably my favourite comic series I reviewed in 2015, well second favourite with Starfire as my absolute favourite, this is my least favourite comic series I’ve reviewed, ever

Ratings

#1 3/10

#2 2/10

#3 2/10

#4 2/10

Average 2.25/10

Recommendation: Don’t, just don’t

So, maybe the older Jughead comics might provide something a little less infuriating

Jughead #1 (1949)

Jughead has been knocked out playing ‘football’. Reggie mocks that there’s no way he’ll be playing in the game tomorrow. Jughead returns home to find his uncle Herman preparing another, potentially dangerous experiment because where else would he be doing that? It’s something that would potentially make the atom bomb obsolete. Jughead tries to escape but eventually is caught and shown the candies.

He’s told to give some to Reggie half way through the game so that some buyers, who are there for some reason can see the difference it makes

The first half of the game works fine and Reggie does eat some of the candy but he starts running the wrong way reaching the other end of the field and climbing the fence. This is enough to make the buyer want to pay but Herman wants them to see the end of the game. Jughead is put into play, and eats the last of the candies to assure he doesn’t get murdered out there.

Thanks to those candies the other team surrenders and victory is theirs, but it’s not good news for Uncle Herman who ended up eating the formula in excitement. Yeah…. He did that

Mistaken Identity (1950)

It’s boxing class (those exist apparently) and it’s Reggie vs Jughead. Jughead somehow ends up with his head in a bucket. A guard walks into the school asking if they’e seen a gorilla walking around and saying he’s gotta catch him before he kills someone. Jughead’s had a rotten day, but it gets worse because Uncle Herman is home again. What wacky invention does he have this time? A Jekyl and Hyde potion.

Jughead pretends to be hypnotised and escapes as Uncle Herman goes to get something to make him take his medicine. He returns, finding the missing gorilla, and thinks it’s Jughead having taken the potion. The gorilla beats him up until the guards come to take him back, Uncle Herman keeps insisting that it’s his nephew and gets locked in the madhouse for it. Jughead finds out and assumes Uncle Herman used the potion on himself and brings snacks to the gorilla in the zoo.

Penny-Wise/The Missing Links (1950)

Pop is tired of giving Jughead credit in his café and throws Jughead out. Jughead goes to his friends and asks for money but none of them have any. He finds a 1984 penny in a drain, and deciding it’s valuable, takes it to Pop who upon hearing about the Penny immediately grants Jughead hamburgers which are grey for some reason. Eventually they go have it checked out and he’s disappointed to find it ain't worth sh*t (well, disappointed putting it lightly) he tells his story to a psychiatrist who tells him he was the victim of a master schemer rather than his own stupidity in accepting a 1984 coin as payment.

Archie and Jughead are looking at someone explaining the Lodge family heritage, going back to before King Arthur and such, he reminds them that family background is an important factor in determining character. After that, Archie, inspired says he’s going to look for a weekend job. Jughead goes to find out about his ancestors. He finds out most of them were screw-ups and lazybones of sorts so when Archie is about to bring him out job hunting, he stays in his bed. What’s good enough for his ancestors is good enough for him.

Pardon My Bumper/Soupy the Cynic (1949)

Jughead has some trouble backing out of a space and smashes into Mr Weatherbee’s car. Turns out he was wanting the insurance to pay for a new fender anyway since it was scratched by the insurance wouldn’t pay out. Now Jughead’s damage is done, he couldn’t be happier. Jughead faints

Soupy the Cynic is making his lady friend carry his books, Jughead tries to show that this is wrong, and is tricked into carrying the books himself, they begin to fight over it to the onlookers’ dismay, who think Jughead is forcing Soupy to carry his books.

He offers to show a woman across an icy street, but they end up slipping all the way across and she didn’t even want to cross in the first place, she was waiting for a bus (which she could’ve said at any time). A woman’s hat is blown off, Jughead goes out to catch it but ends up crushing it in the process, annoying the owner (and I’m sure it would’ve been so much better left in the snow). They meet a woman called Mrs Floober who Soupy is a gentleman to, helping her across the street and earning her praise. He’s not a believer in Gallantry but Mrs Floober was his teacher, he does believe in politics.

Well, Chip was afraid of this but those were better than the main content of the issue, and they’re all at least 60 years old!

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Images used in this review are from Jughead and are belong to their respective owners. Images used in this review are subject to Fair Use