#27 Fantastic 4

Oh boy, what was Marvel like before the cinematic universe, we had the Aang Lee Hulk movie, which sucked, we Spider-man movies which… in my personal opinion, sucked. Then we have the x-men movies produced by Fox. I confess I have not seen them, my love of Marvel started with the Avengers. (Maybe we’ll do a theme month with them, god knows there’s enough of them) so, Fox has a decent-ish record with the X-men, time to reboot the other marvel property they own, the Fantastic 4.

I’ll get to the new one when it comes out on DVD, there’s plenty to go through and to be honest, it’s worse than either of these but… that doesn’t stop them from being bad. Fox had gained the rights to Marvel’s characters in the 1990s and they would retain them as long as they keep making movies about them, the first one was made in 1994, but it was never released. Risking losing the rights back to Marvel, they decided to make another attempt for release in 2005

The film was financially successful, making $330m on its $100m budget, but gained a pretty poor critical response, only rated 27% on rotten tomatoes. This lead to it’s equally sh*tty (although in a very different way) sequel in 2007. But that’s for next week, let’s dig into to Fantastic 4.

I’ll be looking at the extended addition because that’s what I’ve got on my DVD.

So after our opening titles we see a giant statue being made in honour of one Victor Von Doom (because nothing says 'I'm a great guy' like a giant black statue at the front of your building) in front of a building belonging to Von Doom Industries (what investors invest in a business named Doom). Reed Richards (play by Ioan Gruffudd) and Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) are there to ask for his help. Guys, I know you're friends, but his name is DOOM! GET A F*CKING CLUE!

Reed reveals his theory that exposure to a cosmic storm could have triggered the evolution of intelligent life, and that another one is coming that they can study if they acquire the adequate funds and the use of Doom’s space station (yes, he has one of those) we’re introduced to Jessica Alba playing Susan storm, director of genetic hahahahahaha sorry, I can’t get through that in one sentence. Director of Genetic Rea hahahahahaha.

Look, it’s not that I don’t believe woman can’t have high positions in the scientific community, I actively encourage but, it’s Jessica Alba, you’ll see the real reason they chose her later… (I’ll actually put up a picture) anyway, she and Reed have that awkward moment that every former romantic couple have when the meet after splitting up. As Doom laps up the idea of Reed asking for help, Victor wants 75% of any money gained from this and Reed accepts. Guys; his name is DOOM!!!

Reed, Victor and Ben are in an elevator together for more uncomfortable talks. Now, to go into space requires training so surely they’ll have to wait a year or so before they can head up into space… They’re going the next morning, of course they are.

We’re introduced to Johnny Storm, played Chris ‘thank god I’m no2 Captain America’ Evans. His personality is… the human personification of chlamydia. Seriously, I don’t think there’s a girl in the movie he doesn’t want to bang, apart from his sister; that would be disgusting.

So, they get dressed into their new suits, with Susan’s naturally showing off her cleavage. They’re made of unstable molecules, which sounds like something incredibly safe and not a disaster waiting to happen. So they take the shuttle (because we have those) to the space station with Victor also aboard.

Ben heads out in a space suit as Victor flirts with Susan. Get out now, his name is VON DOOM! Victor discovers that the cloud rather than taking several hours is now less than 10 minutes away (how does that happen, it'd have to be going at least 12 times it's projected speed.) Reed tries to convince Victor to abort but he insists on just raising the station’s shields and reeling Ben, who is seemingly oblivious to the space cloud he was supposed to be studying, great job you’re doing by the way, in. Ben jumps to try and make it but Victor closes the shields to the inner sanctum.

He doesn’t make it and they’re exposed to the storm, the shields also appear to fail and Victor is also exposed. An alarm sounds and they all wake up, seemingly normal other than Ben. He wakes up in a hospital, Johnny refuses to reveal his face but it’s a practical joke. Oh and Reed has some grey hair now, making him look a little bit more like his comic book counterpart.

Reed visits Sue at the hospital, which belongs to Doom because all  business moguls have their own private hospitals. And we cut to a business meeting between Victor (be scared, his name is f*cking Doom) and some investors who say they’re going to pull out if Victor doesn’t turn around his free-falling stock within a week. Although I’d also pull out of a company named if it was named Von Doom

Johnny meets a nurse who he naturally flirts with as she discovers his body temperature is abnormally high. Ben and Reed talk and he’s unnaturally forgiving about the entire thing. A helicopter drops Johnny and the hot nurse being skiing to a Linkin' Park song. Johnny finds himself on fire and falls off the edge of a cliff, jetting himself into a snow-pile which he quickly turns into an ice jacussi, he’s also naked and the scene implies that the hot nurse strips down to join him. Yeah, this movie is like that…

Ben brings Sue to meet with Reed (unknowingly) and they laugh a bit. Ben’s stomach begins to growl and he heads off to lie down. Sue begins to turn invisible and Reed is able to stretch his arms. Johnny arrives wrapped in the hot nurse’s coat and Victor also notices some changes. They quickly discern that the cloud has fundamentally altered their DNA and allowed them these 4 very different powers that for 3 of 4 of them had some pretty heavy foreshadowing.

They go to find Ben, Reed uses his stretching to get his hand under the door and open it from the inside (you’d make a fortune in the thievery business with that talent) they enter to find that Ben has discovered his condition and crashed out. Reed quickly works out he’s heading back to New York to find his girlfriend.

Cut to what I hope is at least 12 hours later to New York, Ben calls Debbie, his wife using a payphone. He reveals himself as the Rocky monstrocity and despite, I think, believing him she screams alerting everyone and turning them against him. Christ, what a b*ch!

The next morning, Reed, Johnny and Sue are in New York as Ben is sat on a bridge, reminiscing as a bird cr*ps on him (great metaphor for the movie) he sees a jumper preparing to jump and manages to scare him back. He tries to comfort him but he falls into the traffic filled road. Ben jumps down after him and lets a truck smash right into him (put on the breaks you colossal tw*t lorry driver) this causes a massive pileup, and a fire, leading to the police cordoning off the bridge.

Unable to pass them, the reliance is on Susan but she needs to ditch her clothes so we can have some PG rated sex-imagery. This is why they hired her, so she can strip. I think a brick wall is calling to me again. Ben rescues the Lorry driver, but the police think he’s… they’re idiots. Sue makes her way though, somehow allowing the others to do the same (so her stripping naked, which she eventually did, was pointless really) Johnny sees a gas bottle in the middle of the bridge (erm, why? Who’s transporting gas bottles, who’s transporting them in such an unsecured way?) forcing Johnny to rescue a girl trapped in the wreckage.

Why have good story and characters when we can have fanservice

As more gas bottles explode a fire truck somehow ends up with its back end falling over the bridge. Sue manages to contain the explosion with an invisible force-field. Some of the fire crew go out to rescue a colleague, who was on the back end for some reason, thankfully Ben is there to help keep the truck from toppling. In an awful looking green-screen effect Reed rescues on of the workers who fell.

The police have the third surrounded with guns but the applauding audience choose to ignore the property damage and lives he’s put in jeopardy and let him go. Meanwhile Debbie lays down her wedding ring and walks off. She’s still a b*tch. Reed promises to do what he can to find a cure for him.

As they’re being checked over, they discover that they’ve made the news. Johnny laps up this attention, also Reed’s grey hair seems to have disappeared. Reed makes an announcement over happened and this takes the attention away from the latest interview with Victor. The banks decide that now is the time to pull out, despite the fact that this was a freak occurrence… although really, why wouldn’t they pull out of a company called Von Doom. You may as well call it Evil Enterprises.

We cut to the Baxter Building where Reed and co are greeted with a Stan Lee cameo and a pile of bills. They head into an elevator but it’s too heavy with Ben inside so he has to take the stairs. They make their way to Richard’s lab. Victor heads into the building as Sue sees some photos before he arrived. He offers to take her to see his own Doctors but Sue prefers to stay with her brother. Reed tries to apologise to Victor over the mission’s failure but Victor just wants it fixed fast.

On the way down Victor discovers his own enhanced strength and metallic skin properties. They conduct tests, discovering that Johnny can reach over 4000k, any hotter and he’d reach the temperature of the sun (the surface temperature of the sun is 5778k, inside a lot hotter) which could ignite the atmosphere and wipe out all life on earth. I have a feeling it’s bullsh*t but I’m not qualified to state that as a fact. 

Sue and Reed discuss the state of their relationship. Sue wanted to share an apartment with him, but Reed was obviously nervous about doing so. Johnny interrupts this moment by showing that he’s burned through his clothes. Sue meets with Victor, Victor asks how read is doing and she responds by saying they’ve collected a lot of data but he needs to analyse it before they take the next step. Victor claims he’s all analysis, no action.

So, what you’re saying there victor is that Reed should’ve collected the data, done nothing with it and come up with a solution based on absolutely nothing. I know, I’m really overusing this clip now but…

Data on its own is almost always useless, there’s often too much of it for the human mind to comprehend without some form of structure and analysis. Analysis gives meaning to the data, allowing you to draw conclusions that actually mean something. Victor works out that the two of them are dating and gets angry enough to shake the room. He leaves, smashing the wedding ring on his way out.

Victor sees another doctor and finds his skin is changing into some mechanical alloy hybrid. The doctor wants to bring this out to the public but Victor wants to keep this confidential, killing the Doctor in order to keep it that way. He also has a camera in the baxter building) The uniforms the 4 were wearing into space were also exposed to the cosmic storm so can contain their powers. Erm, yes, I definitely call bullsh*t, changing DNA is different than basically implanting it into the fabric.

So after Ben stumbles across another awkward romantic moment between Reed and Sue.  We see Johnny flirting with hot chick #405 and #406, #407 #408 #409 #410 and #411. Sue finds a story about her romantic life in the people magazine (do magazines often have multiple covers, because the one behind it looks completely different) she’s confronted by fans and turns invisible and strips in order to stay hidden. (Yeah… This is definitely why it’s Jessica Alba in this role)

You know for a superhero movie, we’re past the half-way mark now and the closest thing they’ve done to anything superheroic as that incident on the bridge, an incident they themselves caused. Stop a bank robbery or something!

So Ben asks how Reed is going to cure them. Reed will create a machine to recreate the storm. But any miscalculation could increase their symptoms, maybe even kill them so progress will be slow. Time for a montage, this film clearly hasn’t pandered enough yet.  After that bit of nothing we cut to Von Doom whose condition is getting worse, he finds he can absorb and manipulate electricity. So he uses it to kill that investor guy he didn’t like.

You know, that’s the most PG-looking blast through the chest I’ve ever seen. Meanwhile Ben is looking at an old birthday party video and at his b*tch of an ex-finacee. He heads out wearing a trenchcoat as Reed and his team of scientists (which he got from nowhere with no money) continue to work. Johnny cooks his own popcorn and watches some stunt driving, deciding he needs some fresh air, he begins to partake in exercises such as… cheating in drag racing and stunt driving.

Somebody do something impressive! Sue begins to make letters invisible as she reads through tons of mail addressed to them. Many of them calling for him to be actual super-heroes. Ben calls them to see Johnny showing off and being on the news again. They head to confront Johnny, wrecking his car (which he got from where and with wht money) as we get our dose of product placement from the movie. Ben and Johnny begin to fight until Sue breaks them up.

After killing a few guards, Victor picks up a number of weapons. In a bar, Ben enters and orders a drink, a blind woman offers to pay for it. She also calls God a she because… I don’t care. Her name’s Alicia. Reed puts a flower into the storm recreation device to test it but finds her lacks the sufficient power, the plant dies.

Victor puts on a scary mask ironically given to him as a humanitarian award and loudly exposits his plan. Reed tells Sue he’s out of plants and will be using himself as the next test subject for the machine. Sue objects to this, taking Reed to the observatory to relive their first date and flirt. Sue says that she and Victor were never a thing. Great…

Meanwhile Ben is having pancakes and milkshake with Victor. OK, there are so many jokes I’m just gonna move on. He plants the idea in Ben’s head that Reed is stalling because of a romantic interest in Sue. Sure trust the guy named DOOM! Ben goes to see Alicia who gives him a bit of a brushing over. Both physically and verbally.

Johnny begins signing autographs and is confronted by Victor, they drive in the limo with Victor suggesting they market the fantastic 4, Johnny seems well into this idea. Victor suggests he go solo and leaves Johnny to think about it. Ben and Alicia head into a party and they mingle. The party was to sell statues of the Thing and people aren’t into it, they all begin laughing, greatly upsetting Ben, who walks out.

Ben returns to the Baxter building as Sue and Reed come in. Ben criticises Reed for having a personal life with a girl HE TRIED TO SET HIM UP WITH. I know I’ve already used this meme clip but…

They have a p*ssing contest which ends with Ben calming it down enough to hightail it outta here. So, he’s gone from a delayed cure to no chance of one at all. On his way out, Johnny shows Ben a doll saying it’s clobberin’ time. Given how this catchphrase is used in the new one this is therapeutic, but still stupid. Ben destroys it as he heads into the lift (they can take his weight) Johnny decides to head out, having had enough of being cooped up in the baxter building.

Reed makes the modifications to the project and tests it on himself. Reed comes out looking normal… for a few seconds before he begins to melt one side. Victor’s watching and tells an employee of his to bring Ben to the baxter building. Johnny shows off some more at a party but when he tries to flirt with someone it backfires, and she says what the audience has likely been saying for hours. DO SOMETHING!!! More girls leave the party after this stunt and many begin to ignore him.

Ben arrives to meet with Victor, he says the machine is ready. He can give the machine the power it needs. Ben agrees to test it out and enters the machine. Victor is true to his word, powering the machine and adding more power as the power begins to drop. The others are all alerted to what’s going on as Ben exits the machine, back to his normal self. Victor reveals himself as a powerhouse and swipes him to the side.

Reed confronts Victor but Victor strikes him out of the building via cr*ppy green screen effects. Victor takes the mask and places it on his face. He is now Doctor Doom. Johnny and Sue arrive to help Ben. Reed is being cooled by the power of extremely awful looking makeup and liquid nitrogen. He fires the heat-seeking missile he stole earlier at Johnny and he finally manages to fly so he can evade it.

Sue heads out to help Reed with Ben wondering what he’s done and looking at the machine. Johnny heads too high and begins to fall, thankfully it’s ultimately pointless, he gets the missile over the Hudson river and sets alight a trash boat in order to act as a decoy for the missile, it works but the back blast sends him into the river

Sue goes to help Reed but Doom knows she’s there. They fight with Doom ultimately prevailing, he’s about to finish the job but Ben arrives, now a full grown thing again. He frees reed before Doom sends him out the window into a sanitation truck. Doom sends the Thing flying from the truck. The police arrive to arrest him but he barely even feels it. The Thing throws a car at doom sending him flying into a bus, he somehow ends up exiting it through the passenger-side door

Reed intervenes with the fight as Susan projects an invisible barrier around Ben.  Johnny also arrives for the final fight. Doom unleashes his full power, doing lots of property damage. Reed holds Doom still and Johnny goes supernova. Only now does Reed ask if Sue can contain it. It’s fortunate then that she can because, wipe out all life on earth and everything. They cool him down with some water, solidifying him within the metal.

So, I suppose he’s going to go to trial for what he’s done, prison maybe…

So the people throw a party in their honour despite the fact that all they really did was save themselves. Reed and Sue talk and uses a gasket as a wedding ring. God you’re a f*cking cheapskate Reed. Sue accepts the proposals and we get a repeat of a gag from earlier. Johnny creates massive logo in the sky and that’s the end. Except it isn’t

Doom is locked in a shopping container bound for Latveria, still able to interfere with electronics

So that was Fantastic 4 and it sucks, hard

I’ll give it credit... it’s… it’s…

There’s not a lot right about this movie, but the biggest issue is it’s pacing, we get the origin nice and quickly, but then we have nearly an hour of pandering, waiting for that inevitable confrontation between Doctor Doom and the 4 of them. The second act of this movie is pretty much entirely pandering, we do not see them use their powers in non-domestic circumstances unless it’s Johnny showing off some more. There’s little super-heroing in this movie.

I really don’t get why they (and continue to do so) focus the origins of Doom’s powers with the others, I’m aware that’s what happens in the Ultimate Universe, however that’s the only thing this story shares in common with that the Ultimate universe, far as I can tell, aside from Doom not being a business man (tell me Von Doom Industries doesn’t sound ridiculously stupid to you) and a few other things that just wouldn't work now, it’s a note-for-note copy of the mainstream universe Fantastic 4.

Doctor Doom has to one of the worst represented characters in any Marvel movie (aside from Halle Berry as Catwoman, but that was intentionally a different person) Doctor Doom is supposed to be a combination of Magic and Technology but they seem uninterested in going that route and I don’t see why. This is not a movie where realism is necessary, you have a girl who can turn invisible, a guy who can set himself on fire, a guy who can stretch his arms and a guy wearing a stupid looking rock suit.

Some of the effects do not hold up, this was 2005, much better effects existed (Spider-man 2 had come out and for all my criticisms of the movie, the effects were decent) so it feels lazy in that department.

Then we come to the characters. None of them except maybe Ben Grimm felt fleshed out at all. Johnny Storm didn’t change, Sue didn’t change and Reed didn’t really change either. Ben became a bit more secure of himself which is fine, but it’s an arc stretched across the movie and takes up the bulk of the pandering.

This movie gives me rage issues!

The first family of Marvel is still being badly treated in film, and they deserve better than this.

Rage Rating 45%

For more reviews click here

Images used in this review are from Fantatic 4 and Ratchet and Clank and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use