#28 - Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

So, Fantastic 4 may have sucked but it made money so the inevitable sequel came out, and it sucks.

Released in 2007, this film managed only 37% on Rotten tomatoes and made $280m on it’s $130m budget, which is still more than the current movie is likely to make.

So I ask what makes a good comic book adaptation? Comic books characters have decades of history behind them making it quite difficult to come up with an idea that embraces the feel and spirit of the characters whilst also being unique in its own way. The biggest difference between a comic book adaptation and a book adaptation is the fact the story is (to an extent at least) completely original, it just stars the characters from the comic book.

Capturing the tone and feel of the characters is a struggle because the tone and feel of characters have changed over time through retcons and alternate universes. This is why I really didn’t mind the fact they went for the ultimate universe origins for the Fantastic 4 in their latest release, it makes sense to not re-tread old ground and release the same origin, like they did with Spider-man. (Spider-man’s origins in the mainstream and ultimate universe are pretty similar)

I don’t have a full answer for me take the cliff-notes versions of what the characters are like in the comics and craft a good story. The good story with well-paced and balanced action is key to a good superhero movie. Create a good dynamic between the characters and the rest will follow.

So, what goes wrong here? Let’s dive into Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer to find out.

We open on a planet being consumed by a grey cloud/fart, the being retreats leaving the empty husk to explode a few times actually. A comet thing heads off as we get our opening credits.

We cut to earth as that comet thing has entered our atmosphere, it passes a shipping boat in japan knocking a man overboard, but he lands on ice, since the water had instantly solidified, he brings the cold to Egypt, destroying the surroundings of the sphinx, it passes California causing a complete blackout.

We cut to an airport where this stuff doesn’t really matter. What matters is Reed Richards and Sue Storm getting married. Yes, seriously… I may need that brick wall early on for this.  It seems first class is overbooked, so the crew have to settle for flying coach. Hijnks to follow?

Johnny begins asking about endorsements before deciding to fly home on his own steam rather than travel coach. As more reports start coming in about the extra-ordinary events, still the bl*ddy wedding is top billing.

Back at the Baxter Building Sue comes in to tell Reed about the cops are charging for 3 squad cars they destroyed… Can the police do that? If you’re wondering if this goes anywhere… It doesn’t.

Johnny comes in with product placement literally all over his bloody shirt. Reed is busy working on something which he won’t tell anything out, as Sue leaves he tells Johnny (because the plot says so) that he’s been analysing the disturbances and they have a signature not unlike the cosmic rays that gave them their powers. Johnny is more interested in a bachelor party and emotionally blackmails Reed into having one (which wouldn’t have happened if the plot hadn’t had him reveal to Johnny about his analysis)

The comet passes over Latveria where the crate containing Doctor Doom who had not been been put on any fair trial, is being held. We cut to the bachelor party and… Aren’t there supposed to be more men at this party? I swear the women outnumber the men here 10 to 1. Kind of defeats the point.

The military enter the Baxter Building and head up, they’re greeted by Susan. They’ve come for Reed’s help. After a gross-out gag Reed is semi-flirting and begins to dance (badly) with some of the way too many women at this party when Susan and the military interrupt.

They head out back and the general gives them intel about the ‘comet’ and about the massive holes that the thing has been creating in locations across the planet. It’ll be possible to build a sensor to detect the energy signature but Reed refuses to build it as he’s too busy with the wedding.

Johnny flirts with one of the soldiers who brushes him off (Johnny’s character development from the last movie appears to have disappeared) as Sue and Reed flirt more. After having his mask removed (it appears Doom was awoken by the comet) Doom kills his saviour and takes off his mask.

We cut to the roof of the Baxter Building where Ben and Johnny discover that Reed has actually constructed the sensor but he doesn’t want Sue to know about it. And their wedding is so important that it makes the front page of the very generic ‘Daily News’ despite the other cataclysms occurring (seriously, if you’re a tabloid, have a more creative title) also in the New York Sun, clearly a broadsheet newspaper, huh…

So Johnny arrives with a girl in the obvious Mercedes plug and begins plugging for wedding photos or something as wedding occurs on a roof. Uh huh… We get our mandatory Stan Lee cameo then we cut to Sue being prissy. She wonders if her life is always going to be a circus and whether it’d be right to have kids.

OK, ranting time. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE KIDS. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE KIDS JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MARRIED. You’re at Joe Quesada level shallow view of the world with that remark! What’s worse is it feels like this is her character throughout the rest of the movie.

Helping is Alicia, Ben’s blind girlfriend who encourages and supports her. Sue finds she has a zit (ah, so we’re going for the shallow woman then) but crisis averted (and plot point, if you can call it that, rendered pointless) she can make it invisible. I’m not entirely sure how that works but… Comic books

Reed is still busy working on the sensor and puts the sensor online.  He links it to his PDA so he’d be alerted to any more activities. He faints at the prospect of getting married. After a pointless scene we see Doctor Doom, having hacked into a satellite discover the comet thing and wonders what it is

After a scene that implies way too much incest for my tastes we cut back to the rooftop as the wedding begins. The satellite picks an alert and Reed gets it on his pager right as Johnny brings Sue in. Reed, you’re an idiot, give that pager to someone else, anyone else. YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!

Reed gets a second alert and tries to hurry the wedding along with an landfall imminent. Unfortunately that doesn’t seem to work as power goes off. A helicopter loses power and crashes so Reed and Sue go work rescuing people. Alicia’s almost caught but the Thing intervenes. They see the comet passing overhead and Johnny heads off in pursuit.

Turns out the comet is actually the Silver Surfer, the pursuit continues with Johnny able to catch up but the Surfer is able to grab him even with his flame on, he takes him high enough in the atmosphere to extinguish his fire and drops him into the desert, with him barely able to flame on in time to survive. The Surfer summons his master

Johnny explains what happened to the military and the others (how did he get home anyway? Desert with camels implies Africa and his powers barely work) the Thing doesn’t believe him. You are a giant rock monster! You should be ready to believe anything!

The Silver Surfer knew it was being monitored and destroyed the sensor. Johnny is feeling exhausted and heads out, the military and Ben do so as well. And so we get Sue complaining that they can’t raise a family with their lives the way they are. I refer you to my previous rant.

Sue goes after Johnny and makes contact with him and somehow they switch powers. Sue heads up in the air, on fire only barely managing to get Reed’s attention. Reed makes the pair make contact again and their powers revert albeit with Sue’s clothes having burned off

“Why does this always happen to me” – it’s because you’re Jessica Alba, you’re nude in just about everything you do. That’s why you’re in this role, FANSERVICE!!!! Porn is readily available on the internet, do we really need nudity in a superhero movie? If you really do at least have it in a love scene rather than a running gag.

Johnny’s molecules are in a constant state of flux. Ben feeling playful touches Johnny and he returns to normal but with fire powers whilst Johnny has pretty cr*ppy looking Thing make-up. Thankfully he touches Ben and they change back.

Sue’s upset about her coverage in the media but Reed offers to quietly retire the pair once the crisis is over. So they can raise a family (I refer you back to the rant) Johnny overhears the conversation just as his name is mentioned.

Doom’s helicopter (he has one of those) lands in the Arctic or Antarctic and he speaks to the Silver Surfer. He proposes an alliance but the Silver Surfer declines, blasting Doom into the ice, somehow healing the metal grafting on his skin.

Johnny reports his findings to Ben before Reed calls them to reveal that any planet that the Surfer visits is left baron 8 days later. They find out that the next crater is due to appear in London. Johnny and Reed argue with the military listening.

There’s a big hole in the Thames and the London Eye begins to snap. Sue holds the London Eye in place with a force-field whilst Ben and the thing work on rescuing those inside. The silver surfer heads out of the hole and flies away. Johnny, like a complete numskull heads out in pursuit, cutting THROUGH THE EYE. It wouldn’t add much time to fly over it, plus it would’ve avoided the obvious issue that he makes contact with Reed, switching their powers.

Sue and Ben are left to do the work until Reed gets enough control to weld the eye back onto, stopping it from moving every again. Reed and Johnny switch back and discover that the entire River Thames has been drained. Um, it’s a river, there is a flow of water, how can the entire river drain that quickly?

The General berates them, before saying they’ve brought in some help: Victor Von Doom. He had made personal contact with the Surfer and has some valuable information. The military are blindly trusting him. Even ignoring the previous events, HIS NAME IS DOOM! Expect something!

Doom reveals that the power of the Surfer comes from his board, if they can separate him from the board, they can cut off his power. Johnny lays out his frustration on Ben, who weirdly doesn’t capitalise on it. They talk about their love lives and drink and we cut to Sue and Reed

Reed’s having trouble isolating something and when Sue tries to comfort him he responds aggressively (like a married couple already) Sue tries again and actually does calm him down and unintentionally gives Reed an idea. He can use a tachyon pulse (or as I prefer to call it, a sciency thing) to separate the Surfer from his board.

Sue discovers Victor working on some secret stuff and they banter, well that was another wasted scene. Then another scene between Johnny and whatever her name is

Se cut to the Black Forest in Germany (where the US military are totally authorised to operate) and we get the inevitable p*ssing contest that comes between Reed and the Military guy I’ve not yet been given a reason to care about. Glad that plot line’s been sorted, we’ve got 40 minutes to go.

The 4 begin setting up devices around the area whilst the military create a radius and Victor… Does nothing. You know Victor, your cover might actually be convincing if you did something. The Thing encounters a bear, in Germany. You know I did a basic google search that told me that THERE ARE NO BEARS IN GERMANY (outside of zoos, but that would be a whole new list of problems)! Seriously, do a little research guys! It’s not even a particularly interesting scene, it’s just comic relief.

With the device almost set up, the Silver Surfer arrives. He makes quick work of the Invisible Woman’s force-field but reveals he doesn’t have a choice in doing what he does to the planet. The military, completely confused by the strategy of reasoning with an enemy (all be it with Victor’s persuasion) attack and send the Silver Surfer ready to destroy them. This provides enough time for the pulse to be set up and the Surfer to be grounded.

We cut to a military base in Siberia where the Surfer is being detained (a long way from Germany, isn’t it?) Reed wants to be there for the questioning but the military guy whose name I don’t care to remember refuses. Doom asks about the board and discovers it’s in a chamber that scrambles the signal.

A man that doesn’t have a Russian accent despite being in Russia claims to be ready to torture him. Reed suspects more is going on but there’s only one way to find out. Johnny asks the guard for some DVDs to pass the time causing the guard to ABANDON HIS POST (worst guard ever) whilst Sue heads off, invisible.

Sue watches as they torture the Surfer but the lady Johnny's been flirting with up with calls the general out as Doom wants to speak to him. This allows Sue to get in and talk. The surfer reveals through stomach projections (eww) that he serves Galactus, the devourer of worlds. It feeds on energy, both thermal and organic (even though organic is not an energy type) and is the space cloud thing we saw earlier.

COME ON FOX! This is Galactus

He feeds on matter, organic, non-organic whatever. If Galactus fed on energy surely he’d be better off consuming stars which give off thermal energy by the bucket load (and as I pointed out earlier, organic isn’t an energy type) the Surfer reveals that his service spares his world and his wife, naturally he protected Sue earlier because she reminds him of her (of course…) He reveals his board is what’s drawing Galactus to Earth and they have merely hours left.

Doom wants to study the board; that was his deal for helping. The General says he can do so but under armed guard and only in his presence. Sue reveals what she found out to the others and they have to alert the general. Unfortunately the General is killed by Doom who puts on his mask and cloak once again. He takes the surfboard as his own. OK, General, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

They discover that the surfboard has been taken so Reed summons their new vehicle to get them. They break out the Silver Surfer and obvious love interest has her gun at them. Johnny convinces her to lower her gun and they arrive as the t-ship… I mean fantasti-car arrives. They take off after Victor who’s over East China because reasons.

Victor attacks the car and Victor splits the fantasti-car into 4 parts (see why I may the T-ship comparison.) They fly around the great wall of china, causing property damage in their wake. Victor causes the ships to crash. Victor throws a spear at the Silver Surfer but Sue comes to his aid, taking the spear in her chest. She makes it invisible (not sure how that helps seeing as it’s still there, just not visible) as the Silver surfer looks on, Galactus has arrived.

They can separate Victor from his board by destroying a pulse emitter that was linking them (because of plot convenience basically) but it’s gonna take all of their skills to do it and Sue is in no shape to help. Johnny has an idea, they all join hands and suddenly he has all their powers. (Not sure how that works, considering they usually swamp powers but whatever... This movie’s nearly over) Johnny uses these powers to wail on Doom who does…. Very little to stop them. Ben manages to knock him into the water after Johnny disconnects him from his board.

It’s a little too late for Sue who is dead. The Silver Surfer calls his board to him and uses his power to bring her back to life (making her sacrifice entirely f*cking pointless) realising that he could no longer stand by and watch  Galactus destroy worlds, he heads up and faces his master, Johnny provides some temporary jet support. As things explode for no reason the surfer appears before Galactus and uses his power of dues ex-machina to dissipate him.

Power returns to a rather messy China and it’s nice to see that the Fantastic Four at no point made direct conflict with Galactus. Johnny finds his powers back to normal and everyone hugs it out. Time for resolution on the conflict that barely had any presence in the story. Reed and Sue are ok not to leave. They have a stereotypical wedding in China and Reed gets yet another alert and this time just skip through the wedding. They fly off creating the 4 logo (because with a crisis imminent stalling is perfectly OK) as we see in a post credits scene that the Surfer wakes up and the surfboard heads to him and he heads off.

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

This movie is just dumb, I mean below normal action level dumb. Clearly very little effort went into the plotting as seen by the numerous problems that could’ve been solved easily. Some of the character threads seem to go absolutely no-where to the point you wonder why they’re there in the first place!

Doctor Doom’s villainy in this movie is restricted. His plan is too obvious and his defeat is far too easy given the power levels the Silver Surfer was supposed to have. Galactus is entirely a non-threat since the team have no direct confrontation with him and everything’s solved by the Silver Surfer, whose role had come full circle to dues ex-machina, not to mention the fact that the way they portrayed him makes little sense.

The Silver Surfer himself I actually enjoyed watching, I’m not particularly familiar with his character in the comics which means I’m more open to this interpretation, I don’t know how accurate this is to the comics but it’s fine in its own right.

The pacing is improved over the previous movie however most of the globe-trotting was unnecessary (why was Doom flying over China again? Latveria is in the opposite direction) the effects are also better as would be expected by the passage of time.

The jokes are really bad, there’s way too many pointless humour moments. A superhero movie can be light-hearted and silly, if it feels natural to the narrative. Taking a serious narrative and just add scenes to add humour makes the tone feel very disjointed and that’s very much the issue with this movie.

Rage Rating 18%

Coming soon: Prepare yourselves for the dreaded Fant4stic, coming soon/whenever the DVD comes out, in the mean time, keep an eye on the schedule

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Images used in this review are from Marvel Comics and Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use