It’s time once again to look at a
Doctor Who Christmas Special. It’s another one I actually enjoyed, hence it
being a Guilty Pleasure.
Before we get into the review. Let’s
talk about River Song. I think she’s an OK character, the idea of someone
meeting the Doctor but in a different order to him remembering it was
interesting. The issues come with her origin and how that ties with the
romantic relationship between her and the Doctor
You see (and yes, we’re going into
spoilers here) River Song is the daughter of Amy and Rory Williams (and yes
they’re married so they’re called Williams, doesn’t matter what the Doctor
says) who was conceived in a TARDIS in flight. Lots of bullsh*t happens (see my
review of the Wedding of River Song for the worst of it) and they end up being
married in an aborted timeline which somehow makes them married in this
timeline too. It’s kinda creepy when you think about it.
So let’s dive into the swansong of the Doctor and River Song ‘The
Husbands of River Song’
Curious, he responds
“Close enough, why?” The man responds
that there’s a medical emergency and takes him to a crashed spaceship we saw
briefly in the opening, whilst the actual surgeon waits patiently. A woman
comes out wearing a santa cloak. It’s River Song. The Doctor recognises her
immediately but she doesn’t recognise him. Now there are several things he
could produce to immediately confirm his identity as the Doctor
Sonic Screwdriver
Psychic Paper
TARDIS Key
Any memory from a past adventure
But instead he decides to play dumb
for some reason. Her ‘husband’ is dying. Roll credits
Seriously, did they have to ruin the
first half of the bloody opening with snow. It doesn’t snow across all of time!
Anyway, she returns to his ‘husband’
with the Doctor, they’re being watched by 4 million people and guarded by
several errr minions
NO, NOT THOSE MINIONS, go away!
Sorry, laser-sword wielding minions.
The patient is King Hydroflax, played by Greg Davies. Another comedian forced
into a Doctor Who and in the perfect place for one, as a semi-comedic villain.
I don’t generally like it when comedians play comic relief side characters, they’re
usually annoying as heck.
River mugs for the cameras a bit,
saying that she’s brought the finest surgeon in the galaxy. The Doctor alarms…
I’ll tell what his name is when the show does, when he reveals he isn’t a
proper surgeon.
River takes the Doctor out of the
room revealing that it’s a diamond was shot through King Hydroflax, in fact
it’s the most valuable diamond in the universe. What sort of moron fires the
most valuable diamond in the universe out of a gun! River asks if he can remove
the head of King Hydroflax from his body, revealing that she really only sorta
married the diamond.
King Hydroflax, as it turns out is a
bit of a monster. He ends his battles by eating his victims. Lovely, hope
you’re not throwing up your Christmas dinner with that thought. But it turns
out Hydroflax isn’t an idiot and has discovered the truth and charges in. He
then removes his head from his cyborg body. This is supposed to be a shock but
yeah… he’s a cyborg
New meme clip for the new year.
She uses a sonic trowel on the
minions, but it doesn’t have an effect on Hydroflax’s cyborg body. The Doctor
grabs the head and threatens to throw it down the garbage chute if he doesn’t
order his suit to stand down, Hydroflax refuses. The suit has a mind of its own
and decides to override Hydroflax’s commands and shuts down.
River calls for ‘Ramone’ to take them
out as they put Hydroflax’s head into a bag. Ramon teleports them away with the
suit giving a warning but they will be found. River and the Doctor share a
laugh as Hydroflax’s head dishes out threat.
Ramone is another of River’s Husbands,
whose memory of actually marrying her was wiped because he was being annoying?
Erm, who does that punish more, really? Anyway, they’re looking for ‘the
Damsel’ Ramon says that none of his 12 faces are here, he shows the Doctor the
12 faces of the Doctor.
How is the Doctor ever ‘the damsel?’
EVER! They head into the village to look for him. The robot takes the head of
the comic relief guy and inserts it into his body. The River’s search for the
Doctor is proving fruitless but they do manage to stumble upon the TARDIS.
Since River can fly it and has a key because reasons they can steal it and have
it back before the Doctor even notices.
The Doctor is thrilled at the idea of
doing an impression of what it should be like to enter the TARDIS, the proper
reaction. It’s overdramatic as hell of course. King Hydroflax has a homing
beacon calling to the rest of his body, but because Hydroflax is both in and
outside the TARDIS it can’t take off. Yeah… I don’t believe that for a minute.
Nardole (yes, we know his name now)
approaches Ramone in the robot suit, with the robot asking if he’s acquainted
with River Song
Hydroflax wakes up, saying that if
he’s killed, his body will detonate and burn the solar system, or something.
Ramon arrives, now also incorporated into the robot. But the Doctor closes the
door and the TARDIS manages to take off. They land and they run into a cruise
liner thing, filled with murderous criminals from across the universe.
Flemming, one of the porters on the
liner approaches River, she’s clearly been on one of these cruises before. He
asks for Flemming to deadlock seal the door to keep the robot from coming
through. River sprays a spray that changes her outfit because she has that for
some reason. She plans to sell the diamond to a passenger of the liner.
The Doctor and River dine together;
she starts reading her diary. She’s concerned that the diary is nearly full.
The Doctor is the kind of man who knew how long a diary she would need. She
says the Doctor is not someone special in her life. Meanwhile the crew discover
Ramone pleading to be let go. Flemming wonders if he’s being threatened but
they only detect on lifeform, he agrees to release him.
The buyer arrives, Scratch,
representative of the winter harmony. He has a device inside his head that can
transfer the money into any account she chooses. Suspecting a double-cross, he
reveals that all the other patients at the restaurant are also from the Winter
Harmony. River threatens that she also has safeguards in place. After the money
is transferred, Scratch reveals their allegiance to Hydroflax, alarming River.
And this is why you should know your buyer.
Flemming pleads for his life,
promising to tell the robot suit who River is really married to. The Doctor
gives them the bag but eventually decides to dramatize it and tries to auction
it off. The robot arrives and the Doctor and River are captured. The robot
scans Hydroflax and discovers that because the diamond continues to move, he’ll
be dead in 7 minutes. The robot concludes he needs a new head before destroying
Hydroflax’s head, leaving only the diamond.
Flemming gives Hydroflax’s body the
diary, a map to the Doctor. Now, forgive me but don’t the heads to keep their
personalities, that’s what I got from the other two, what use is a new head
exactly, you seem only able to control them via threat. Flemming reads River’s
diary as River threatens to kill him, Hydroflax’s body begins to get impatient.
Scratch says that the Doctor’s head
would be marvel to behold, whilst Flemming adds that many passengers on this
boat would take joy in his end. They ask River where the Doctor is, she claims
that the Doctor has never loved her… And the Doctor won’t go and rescue her.
Does she know the Doctor at all?
She finally gets it. As the discuss
their attempts, River reveals that a meteor strike is imminent on the ship. She
dug them up as an archaeologist. They fall through the floor and so does the
diamond, straight into River’s bosom. River heads to the bridge as the Doctor
as Hydroflax’s body attacks the Doctor.
The transfer orb from earlier falls
straight into the Doctor’s hands. He places where the head would go on
Hydroflax’s body and it begins having issues with the various protections
people put on their money. The Doctor grabs River’s diary and heads to the
bridge. River’s sonic trowel seems to be ineffective, they argue over their
respective ‘other’ spouses.
The planet they’re about to crash
into is Darilliam, a planet with singing towers that the Doctor has always said
he’d take her to, but always seems to cancel. The Doctor teleports River into
the TARDIS as the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to… something. River moves
the TARDIS around the Doctor and they both realise they have to abandon ship.
They head into the TARDIS and River is knocked out.
The Doctor checks she’s ok and claims
the diamond which fell out of her bosom. He heads outside after jumping forward
a tad and encourages someone trying to search the wreckage (another human
colony?) to build a restaurant there, right by the singing towers. He gives the
man the diamond as a starting investment. He jumps forward and makes a
reservation, 4 years from now (well, 4 years from this planet’s standard).
River awakens and is told the Doctor
is waiting on the balcony. She freshens up, she finds that body of Hydroflax
survived but the Hydroflax part was deleted. Ramone and Nardole are still alive-ish.
The Doctor gives River his sonic screwdriver because she has one in Silence in
the library.
She stares in awe at the singing
towers but the Doctor is sad, he knows her time is nearly over. River says
she’s read stories saying that the last night they spend together is here,
although given the non-linear state of their relationship, how do they know
which is the ‘last night?’
She expects him to find a way around
it, but the Doctor this time is accepting of this, repeating the ‘every
Christmas is last Christmas’ phrase from the last special. I like this because
it shows he has learned from Clara’s death even if he doesn’t remember her. But
he hasn’t given up hope entirely. A night on Darillium is 24 years, leading to
the two having one final kiss as the episode draws to a close.
So that was the Husbands of River
Song, whilst for most of its 56 minute run time it’s a fun little romp with
great comedy and plenty of adventure to satisfy me but otherwise minimal depth
to it, it’s the last few minutes that really take this into being my personal
favourite Doctor Who Christmas special.
It was fun to see the role-reversal
of River not knowing who the Doctor was. You’d think that’d happen when she
first meets him but given her relationship with Amy and Rory, and the fact that
the Silence altered her for the purpose of killing the Doctor, it didn’t end up
happening that way. It provided for a lot of comedy but at several points you
ended up wanting the Doctor to just prove it with one of the items I mentioned
in my earlier point about it.
Greg Davies’ part as Hydroflax is
rather underused if I’m honest, and whilst he does make some good comedy, it’s
the robotic suit that’s the main threat in this one. And in honest, he’s a tad
generic with no real overall game plan or anything to escalate his threat
level.
I love the idea of the cruise ship
and the opportunities. Was again kinda underused, we didn’t really see the
consequences of the passengers finding out about the Doctor mostly because by
that time we already have the threat of the ship crashing.
River plays her part well, she’s
always had the slightly broader moral scope than the Doctor and that is played
to full effect here. Her banter with the Doctor worked really well for this
episode and provided more than a couple of laughs from me.
We don’t really see much in the way
of consequences of the Doctor’s memory wipe from Hell Bent. Then again, Clara
did not know a living incarnation of River Song so that was rather opportune
for the episode. On the upside we do see he’s become more accepting of endings,
and whilst he still doesn’t like them, he recognises reality.
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