#48 - Neeson Month - A Million Ways to Die in the West

It’s Neeson Month

And I don’t know about you, but I’ve gotten a bit sick of this mediocrity, we need some good old-fashioned cr*p. But I’m too lazy to find anything obscure, so just give me an easy target

He’ll do very nicely. Yes Seth MacFarlane, the guy behind Family Guy and cavalcades of Cartoon “”””””””Comedy.”””””””” I’ve watched maybe 5 minutes of Family Guy and I already know I can’t stand it. Especially when they come up with Screams of Silence, an episode which managed to be more offensive than Kill the Moon, BY INTENTION and better yet as an attempt at shock humour. Here’s the thing about offensive comedy, you can make people laugh by offending others, but it has to be a 2-sided issue with valid arguments on either side, which is why political and religious comedy can be funny. Domestic abuse isn’t funny! Or at least you have to be very clever to make it funny, and it’s a few IQ points above MacFarlane’s. He also did Ted and its sequel, both about a man and his relationship with his teddy bear. I’d rather eat the goddamn bear than watch those.

Thankfully we’re not here to look at that today, this is a Million Ways to Die in the West

Released in 2014, this movie decides to try and parody how dangerous is to live in a western. In theory, this could be the key to a lot of comedy, but it falls short there and in various other aspects too. Neeson stars in this, but is not the lead, instead we have to make room for MacPharlane’s ego as HE plays the main character.

The movie made $87m on a $40m meaning it only barely broke even, and would be considered quite the downgrade from the Ted Movies, which made over $200m each for some reason. The movie garnered a mixed reception, with a 33% rating on rotten tomatoes and a 40% audience rating.

But this intro’s getting long, let’s just dive in.

So the movie’s intro establishes the setting with the exception of the part of the desert we’re going to be for the next 90 minutes. Ooo, Rocks, Sand, god it makes me want to paraphrase Anakin Skywalker. F*ck that though. Ooo, hedges, oo, rock formations, oo, trees.

OK, so it’s Arizona 1982 and we get an exposition explaining what’s basically the entire premise of the movie. We finally see our town for the course of the movie. Old Stump Township. <Insert your own dick joke here>

So, our protagonist arrives at a duel, his name’s Stark. Again <insert Iron Man joke here> He wants to call it off, which makes the other guy accuse him of being yellow (as in cowardly) but he says that might be offensive to their Chinese friends. No, the only thing offensive is the blatent Asian stereotypes that actually respond to him calling that out. And now he tries to convince him by making their shadows look like they’re f*cking. This was written by Seth MacFarlene, who would’ve guessed?!

The other guy is pissed because Stark’s sheep ate half his ranch, Stark offers to pay him the money, but he needs 48 hours to sell his sheep to get it. Stark is shot in the leg for being a dumbass. Please just shoot him and make this movie over. Louise, his girlfriend agrees with me and breaks up with him, naturally he’ll spend the majority of this movie trying to win her back. Psst, you’re not a good couple.

After incredibly painful, elongated scene regarding said breakup, we cut to the Saloon where we meet Edward. His story is that his wife, Ruth, has sex with literally everyone except for him. Because we couldn’t have this scene go without a sex joke.

So, Albert Stark returns home to his parents and… nothing of consequence happens, next scene. Edward and Ruth stop by to give their condolences, he’s looking through old photos that they couldn’t smile in and thinking that she was the only thing that made living through the general awfulness of the west bearable. Well, I guess there’s only one thing for it

They head to the saloon, where Ruth talks him out of suicide (*sigh*) and we begin to see with the first problems of the movie. The way the dialogue is written, Albert Stark sounds like someone from the modern era talking about 1982, here’s the thing though, he’s not, he’s a part of the era. Now, there are ways this could’ve been done to make this funny, but I guess having Albert Stark be time displaced is a little beyond their imagination.

He seems incredibly well educated for a sheep farmer is what I’m saying. So, he gets tossed out a window. Ruth suggests he try and talk to Louise so he heads off like a drunk driver but on a horse. Funny? He arrives at Ruth’s house and it goes about as well as you’d expect really. In that it goes absolutely nowhere.

The next morning, we see Liam Neeson err Clinch and his band of outlaws encounter an old man with some gold. And apparently stealing isn’t stealing if you murder the man you’re stealing it from. And yes, I say murder, it’s not a competition if you cheat, and even if it was, it'd still be murder. Clinch is going to drop his wife, Anna, in Old Stump for 12 days while the completely non-existent heat dies down (and I don’t think they were talking literally)

It does mean we won’t be seeing Liam Neeson for a while. To add insult to injury, Anna takes his dog. So rather f*cking instantly it’s been a week and a half since we last saw Albert Stark.

So, here’s something I should’ve mentioned earlier. Albert’s parents look a lot older than 35, so I’m calling bullsh*t on things here, also Seth MacFarlene is older than 35. Liam Neeson is older than 35, Giovanni Ribisi, who plays Edward is older than 35 and are you starting to get my point now? Hell, Charlize Theron, who plays Anna is older than 35, Sarah Silverman, who plays Ruth is older than 35 (incase you think she was talking specifically about girls.) So, what I’m saying is when Louise said people are living to be as old as 35 these days, she’s massively understating, or this movie is a load of historical horsesh*t, you know, one of the two. (And yes, when I’m saying this, I am taking into account that this movie was made in 2013.)

So, they reveal in this scene something I mentioned earlier, that Edward isn’t having Sex with Ruth. Because they’re both Christian (HA! – Christians are hypocrites, please laugh!) and want to wait until after marriage. Also, I think Edward was sexually abused by his uncle, so glad that tasteful thought was brought up.

They find out that Louise is dating a guy named Foy, played by Neil Patrick Harris (who incidentally is also older than 35) Also, the week’s ice shipment comes in, a massive block of ice the probably would’ve melted anyway because this is a desert in the middle of f*cking nowhere in the scorching heat of the day. Ice like this surely would’ve been delivered at night, when it was cooler? Anyway, the ropes holding the ice in the air snap and a guy is crushed. Right, so that’s one way you can die in the west, 999,999 to go, please tell me it doesn’t take 25 minutes for the next one. (OK, there was the dead mayor earlier on but he was killed prior to the start of the film)

More jokes about Christians being hypocrites follow. (I’m sure the Christian portion of your audience is thrilled) As we cut to the Moustachery, a place which sells everything you need to look after your moustache, in 1882, really? Anyway, we see the real reason Louise is dating Foy, MONEY! Albert comes in for some reason, oh wait, I know the reason, to not be funny, next scene.

The saloon and Edward and Ruth talk about sex and more Christian hypocrisy. Albert comes in says he’s had enough and is moving to San Francisco. A journey which is give or take 700 miles, long way to go on horseback, you’d probably die before you made it out of the state. They exchange socks and handkerchiefs. A knocked drink results in our second death which results in a bar brawl. Edward and Albert play fight to avoid others intervening. Albert notices an upper level about to collapse on Anna and he saves her.

They begin talking, she comes from Kansas City, Missouri, around 1200 miles away. Either she’s lying or… well, yeah, she’s probably lying. He talks to her about Louise and including the two killed off-screen we’re up to 7 deaths (the pastor shot a guy and his son). 999,993 to go. So, long and painfully unfunny story short, Anna’s going to be his girlfriend for him at the fair to try and make Louise jealous.

Speaking of the fair, today's the day and people apparently die at the fair so, maybe we can get that tally down. Photographer’s flash powder sets on fire, so we’re down him and two people who get shot after being set on fire. 999,990 to go. So the couples eventually meet and it’s about as awkward as you could imagine really. I’ve still got more than an hour to go, people, kill me now.

So, they go to the shooting gallery, shoot the escaping slaves, tasteful. Foy shoots 6 for 6 and Albert 0 for 6. But Anna ups the ante, betting a dollar (a lot of money around here) against her shooting 6 for 6 on double speed. She uses two guns and shoots all 8 targets, winning Albert the dollar but also some mockery among the crowd.

In a fit of rage, he challenges Foy to a gunfight. Anna manages to buy him a week and shows him that Louise was impressed. She’ll teach him how to shoot. Man killed by rampaging bull, 999,989 to go.

Anna tries to convince Albert that Louise is a self-centred jerk, which she is. Anyway

He’s getting kinda better at shooting, I guess. She offers him a Pot cookie which he’s reluctant to eat because of previous freakout, this one’s just as bad really. The Sheriff is killed during a prison break, 999,988 to go. So there’s a ballroom dance and quick question to anyone who knows this sort of sh*t, would anyone in this neck of the town be aware of who Jane Austen is? It’s not like today when we have international publishing. Also, was any of this supposed to be funny? STOP RIGHT THERE, picture of your dick, really? We have a comedian on stage.

The entire premise of your movie is how much it sucks to live in the era of 1882, the more historical inaccuracies this world presents itself with, the harder it is to find any of the jokes funny (not that any of them really were) so on Foy’s request the dance song is about how glorious it is to have a moustache. Anna slips Foy some laxative that she has on her for some reason and goads him to drinking it quickly, before telling Louise she’s a piece of sh*t, which she is. She is also bland and has no personality.

OK, so next inaccuracy, “there are only like 3 songs and they’re all by Stephen Foster.” Stephen Foster wrote over 200 songs before his death, there are more than 3 that’ll be popular enough to be known around here. Sorry, errors like this are becoming distracting, like all they did to research this is watch Western movies rather than actual historical research. And this wouldn’t be a problem but the entire premise of the movie is based on a period of history and how much it sucks.

So, Anna and Albert kiss and you can probably guess Liam Neeson is coming into the movie pretty soon. It has been almost an hour since he was last in the movie. Albert brings her home, they kiss, Lewis (the guy who started the bar fight and killed the sheriff, who works for Clinch) sees the whole thing and for no reason whatsoever we get a Back to the Future reference. They just forgot to make it funny, like they did with the rest of the movie. Also, he was sent to 1885, you’re 3 years too early.

So, Foy gets off to talking about himself whilst Louise sucks on his moustache, whatever please him, I guess. But the laxative kicks in and he rushes to the toilet. Morning rises and the gunfight is about to begin, but Clinch is waiting at Anna’s door. Just realised Clinch Leatherwood is probably a parody of Clint Eastwood, just throwing that out there, doesn’t really make it any funnier.

Foy arrives at the gunfight, still a bit worse for wear from the laxatives, he sh*ts in someone’s hat, and someone else’s (because it was so much funnier the second time) Albert tells Foy he can have Louise and tells her she’s a b*tch, which she is. OK... That was pointless and unfunny, moving on. Albert goes to see Anna who didn’t show up to the fight, she’s not in her room.

He’s called a coward at the saloon as he talks to his friends, about sex. Clinch enters the saloon, demanding to know who kissed his wife. He kills someone, 999,987 to go. Albert needs to get out of town. Anna gets threatened with the death of the dog to give up who it was, she confesses. Oh no, not the dog, he… did next to nothing in the movie. She confesses his name which honestly doesn’t help him that much since he doesn’t know who he is. Anna takes a rock and knocks him out, his pants are down and for nor reason she puts a daisy in it and rides off.

Albert is packing when Anna arrives on horseback. We get the ‘I was lying to protect you’ bullsh*t that’s thankfully quickly dismissed, she’d fallen for him and didn’t want to admit where she came from. And we found out she was married at 9 for the reasons I already debunked earlier in this review. Oh, and our death tally increased by 2 as we hear the parents both buried themselves, 999,985 to go.

Clinch and his gang approach, Anna is sent away. The house is empty, Albert’s hiding among the sheep and gets urinated on, lovely. He gets to the horse and runs away.

So, after a chase and an escape by passing by a moving train cliché, he manages to escape on the train. Guess that was how he was going to Los Angeles. Anyway, after a joke about a horse f*cking a cow, just go with it, the movie will be over faster, he gets knocked out by a rock to the head. Sure, this movie is already 90 minutes long, but we can add an extra 20, right? Kill me!

Because we can’t have an animal sex joke without a human sex joke, Eddie and Ruth are going to have sex because they might die tomorrow. They get interrupted by Anna, wanting to hide from Clinch. Eddie comes out to the house, but Anna escapes through the window, only to get caught by Clinch.

Albert wakes up, confronted by native Americas, tied up and about to be burned. But because of contrived nonsense, he can speak native American. Look, he keeps himself to himself, fine, but where did he get the books, where did he get the knowledge? Because of racism, and I mean this is incredibly racist, they decide to untie him, thinking that speaking their language means there’s no reason not to trust him.

He explains his situation and they offer him some drug to help him on his path. He takes a whole bowl full rather than the sip they’d usually take. I wish I was on one of those right now. But this does give us the one funny joke in the entire movie. Gilbert Godfried as Abraham Lincoln. Then some stupid sh*t involving little people, then it becomes Alice in Wonderland for some reason. 2 Long-legged sheep guard a door along with a snake, wedding psyche, eagle with balls. And he wakes up. The native Americans tell him that he has true courage and can find happiness. He heads off the next morning, knowing what he has to do and oh my god this movie is almost over.

Albert arrives for the duel. They unholster their guns and count to 3, knowing Clinch would shoot on 2, Albert shoots on 1, hitting him in the arm. Clinch shoots to disarm. Clinch allows Albert final words and it’s time to insult Islam because why stop at Christianity? Clinch begins to stumble and fall. And dies as Albert explains that used snake venom on the bullet so he’d die wherever he was hit. He says there are a million ways to die in the west, you’re currently short 999,984. Anna escapes as Clinch’s henchmen are arrested, some more less than witty banter occurs. Louise decides she wants Albert again but he reminds her that she’s a b*tch, which she is.

He gets reward money and decides to… buy more sheep with them? Really?! One more joke. Django kills the guy running the stupid slave sh*t, a scene blatantly added in because the slave thing didn’t test screen well. We’re short 999,983 deaths btw

F*ck this movie, F*ck this movie, F*ck this movie, F*CK THIS MOVIE! F*CK THIS MOVIE!

I’m not going to act like this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Dude, where’s my car?! is probably the worse movie overall, and certainly more insulting but this had the gall of being nearly 2 hours long.

Not only is this movie painfully unfunny, and doesn’t deliver what it says in the title, but the romance is bland, Liam Neeson doesn’t have anything interesting to do for most of the movie, the other characters in the west are shallow.

Albert Stark is one of the losers you’re supposed to root for, but he needed a motivation beyond getting his b*tch girlfriend back from some other poor sap, with a moustache.

It does have the Seth MacFarlene touch, there are some pretty disgusting jokes that didn’t leave an impact on me at all, but it does seem to be somewhat reigned in from what you see on Family Guy and we can all thank heaven for that.

It looks OK and is for the most part decently acted

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Neeson Month is nearly over, just one more movie to go.

Rage Rating 100%