Guilty Pleasures #30 - Ratchet and Clank

Video Game adaptations are a cursed breed, aren’t they? If they’re not critical failures they’re commercial failures, and that’s why it’s heart-breaking as a fan to see that Ratchet and Clank was a critical and commercial flop. Produced on a $20m budget, it made back only $13m, it would’ve needed to have made nearer $50m to be classified a success. The critics lambasted it and holds a staggering 16% on Rotten Tomatoes.

So are the critics right? Why did this movie fail? I have a few theories but there’s start by looking at the plot.

We open above the planet Tennamule. Cue bad guy speech in 3, 2, 1. OK, here comes an immediate problem. Pointing out tropes does not excuse them. And we’re introduced to Chairman Drek, played by Paul Giammani. Trivia for you, they did actually have Kevin Michael Richardson, you know this guy

OK, I’ll put a pound in the jar

(I know I haven't done a lot of that lately, but trust me, more is coming) Who voiced Drek in the original game playing him again, they instead decided to spend more money on hiring Paul Giamatti in order to attach Star Power to the movie, in the hope it might make them more money. The even (according to IMDb) accidentally sent Richardson the cheque for Giamatti. And remind me how that worked out for them?

 

Not very well, besides they have a bigger celebrity voice actor that could’ve easily been used more in marketing... Whilst making his speech about what everyone there already knows, he catches a Blarg named Stanley texting. Texting? Really? Pop culture references, the easiest way to make a movie dated. Unfortunately, this is a running gag, and not a very funny one.

So Drek calls in Victor Von Ion, played by Sylvester Stallone (Victor was a non-entity character in the original game – this is not important). Now Stallone has star-power, even if he’s been in some cr*ppy movies. He too was whored out for marketing to try and draw people in, it failed. He’s a robot enforcer of Drek’s and he threatens Stanley. They then use their deplanetiser to destroy the planet.

We cut to the Kyzil Plateau on Planet Veldin where Ratchet is listening to a fitness video which by the look of it was intended for robots. OK, I think it’s supposed to be a Galactic Ranger workout but you don’t see the actual Galactic rangers doing it, and none of them are noticeably fit in the movie.

The video is interrupted by a news forecast from Dallas. Oh good, Dallas was always funny before, maybe they could use him to bring some classic Ratchet… they’ve drained him of all personality, haven’t they? *sigh* moving on. Apparently Tennamule was uninhabited and is one of 4 planets that have been destroyed in the system. When you find out why they’re being destroyed this will make no sense but we’ll move onto that later. 

President Pyronix, the guy from Ratchet and Clank 3 and the comic, has urged the head of the Galactic Rangers, Captain Qwark to expand his roster by 1, because that will totally make the difference. They actually point this out but it’s not funny and they don’t give a good reason.

They cut to a Captain Qwark ad where he speaks out the side of his mouth at one point for no reason, has a friend who’s a Fongoid, cues a montage and says they’re planning to visit the Kyzil Plateau today.

Ratchet is very excited and has an accident that somehow doesn’t break his bones. A customer, who’s a Tharpod who uses a Zimmer frame heads into the shop. He wanted his ship’s ejector seat repaired and Ratchet decided to spend masses of the garage’s money on installing unnecessary cr*p, including a mag-booster that is literally there as a plot mcguffin for later. In the meantime, it causes complete mayhem and sends them on a duo on a joyride across the canyons. Also Ratchet hasn’t repaired the ejector seat and once the mag-booster threat is over, it ejects the Tharpod into the air. Ratchet has just injured/killed a disabled person, our hero.

We cut to Qwartu which is now the home as well as the Factory of the Blarg. In the original, their home was Orxon, why didn’t they just move everything to Orxon? Hell the place looks more like Orxon than it does Qwartu. OK, these are just nitpicks, but it’s a fan’s perspective.

Drek reveals to Victor his next target, which we don’t know the name of yet, only that it has a few nice features he likes. This is building up to something, I’ll explain what it is later, and why it has issues. Viktor points out that the sector is heavily patrolled by the Galactic Rangers. Yeah… all 4 of them. Yes, I know they mean the robots, the Galactic Rangers in the original game were robots, but they specifically said in the newscast that there are 5 Galactic Rangers, and we don’t see the robots outside of Aleero City.

Anyway, Drek is amassing forces to attack the Galactic Rangers home base on Aleero City, which was Metropolis in the original games, I’m guessing they didn’t want to use that name so DC wouldn’t sue them or something. Victor is pleased to be going into real battle at last.

We cut back to the Kyzil Plateau where Grim, the owner Ratchet is putting out of business, is rightfully chewing him out for that stunt. Ratchet asks for an hour off to attend Ranger tryouts, and Grimm agrees, probably wanting Ratchet to stop destroying his business by installing unnecessary cr*p people didn’t ask for.

We’re introduced to the Galactic Rangers, there’s Cora Veralux, who’s a shoot first ask questions later type, like all the others, who uses a combustor to shoot fireworks, go figure how that works; Brax “The Brute” Lectrus. He likes to fight, that’s about it for him. And of course we get Captain Qwark who does a ring of fire stunt which goes a bit wrong so Cora has to put him out with an Omega-tech frost cannon. Yes, I will name every weapon I see and I’ll point out which ones are actually from the only weapons vendor in the original games. The Omega-tech frost cannon is a GrummelNet weapon.

Qwark makes a speech to his audience, who are entirely made up of Tharpods and Fongoids. This is a running problem. Tharpods and Fongoids aren’t even native to the Solana Galaxy. Sure it’s trivia like that that only fans of the game would care about but the mention of Neftin Prog in the speech was also clearly a nod to the fans of the game, except anyone who knew anything about Neftin Prog would be asking the following questions

1. What about Vendra?

2. Why would they need to render the population of Aridia colour-blind?

3. Why isn’t he in the Polaris Galaxy?

Anyway, I presume the crowd thing was to use existing assets to save money but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Anyway, we get that ironic bit that was spoiled in the trailers and we hear that Ratchet has committed various crimes that should’ve seen him in prison. Qwark calls him a loose cannon and that’s shtick, which leaves me scratching my head as he’s supposed to be the team’s leader.

Back to Quartu and I begin to realise that I haven’t seen much of Clank yet. I mean the movie’s been going on for a good 15 minutes by this point, and it's only 90 minutes long. Well, here we have his origin. We’re introduced to Doctor Nefarious. I mean Drek literally introduces him as the ‘mad scientist’ who made all this possible. He’s created 300 raritanium robots which possess every tactic the rangers possess. Which from what I can tell shouldn’t be difficult as their only tactic is shoot.

They test whether the warbots are active by having a computer ask them what their primary objective is… uh huh… Here’s the thing about Nefarious, he’s not particularly funny in this movie. He has him moments but he’s lacking someone, someone short, slightly plump, robotic, voiced by Michael Bell. Now who could that be…

Oh yeah. Lawrence is the straight man to Nefarious’ routine, they are a double act, something the writer either didn’t realise, or was told to cut out to save money, and shoot the movie in the foot in the process. Lightning strikes the building and powers it down. A repair bot manages to fix it but a brief ‘glitch’ in the system creates Clank. Victor is sent after him and after a chase scene of no time whatsoever Clank escapes on a rocket. Victor fires a Negotiator (GrummelNet weapon) rocket at the ship, damaging it.

Ratchet arrives back at the garage, disappointed and heads to the roof to sit on thing. He sees Clank’s ship crash nearby and goes to investigate. He rescues Clank from the ship but finds his leg is damage. Ratchet performs the necessary repairs to get Clank up and running. He tells Ratchet about Drek’s plan to ambush the rangers tomorrow. This piques Ratchet’s interest enough and he claims to be their friends.

Not content with injuring/killing a disabled person, he now steals his ship as well. We cut to Aleero City as the ambush begins. Ratchet and Clank arrive with Clank commenting on how he cannot find Ratchet’s species in his database, but somehow an Ottsel and a Racoon manage to find their way in, also Dan Johnson. Ratchet claims he crashed on Veldin as a baby, which tells me they may be trying major elements of Ratchet and Clank explored in the Future games intact.

They arrive and see the invasion has already started and you know for a group of warbots trained in every tactic the Rangers possess, they suck. Victor destroys a negotiator rocket with razor claws (also not Gadgetron) and charges through, knocking a robot off a walkway, where he uses a Willhelm scream, one of the robots calls out to Willhelm. Here’s an example of one of the bigger problems. It has no idea of its audience. There are a lot of references for fans to get here but you aim at a wider audience. They’ve tried to market towards kids but then you get a joke like this. A child would not get that joke.

A missile misses its mark and redirects back at a Qwark statue because joke. Ratchet needs to install targeting software. The key word there being software. He goes under to fiddle as clearly he doesn’t know the difference between hardware and software and Clank is left to control the vehicle. He says they should’ve just called ahead and the lie that Ratchet said about being their friends is revealed. There are literally no consequences to this whatsoever. Ratchet regains control of the ship and there’s an animation error where Ratchet’s reaches for the steering wheel with his right hand in one shot, only for his left hand to be holding the wheel and the right a lever in the next.

Anyway, Clank rewrites the targeting software (by typing into a computer - how modifying software might actually work) of the mag-booster to isolate the raritanium of the warbots’ armour. He picks up the warbots and sends them flying so they crash into the ship, destroying it and likely crushing civilians with the debris. Victor, whose armour isn’t raritanium, survives the assault and escapes. The civilians rush past Qwark to talk to Ratchet as he lands, but Qwark insists on fielding questions on their behalf.

We get Juanita Alvoro, who is also completely wiped of personality compared to her original game counterpart asking whether the Blarg are up to something. Qwark tries to dismiss the question but Clank confirms that they are and they’re only getting started, panicking the crowd. Again, Dallas Juanita are supposed to be a double act, here not only is Juanita extremely bland (and where is Darla Gratch anyway?) she is superfluous to the point where they more or less cut her out of the game adaptation.After some pressure from Dallas, Qwark officially invites the two to join the rangers. 

Meanwhile back on Qwartu, Drek chews out Nefarious and Victor for their failings, and orders all warbots to the deplanetizer until the heat dies down. Nefarious suggests tearing the team apart from the inside using a weak link, pointing obviously at Qwark.

Back at Aleero City, they’re cleared to attack Drek Industries in 3 days, which gives Drek plenty of time to set up defences and countermeasures, the President is an idiot. Ratchet’s getting a physical course whilst Clank is now a coward… When was he ever really a coward in the games? We’re now introduced to the final Galactic Ranger, Elaris, playing Ratchet and Clank 3 on her screen. Looks like the Veldin level to me in first person no-less. She’s in charge of providing their weapons and tactical support, or at least trying to bring up a strategy before Qwark and the others move in favour of just shooting sh*t.

Ratchet is given a new protosuit, with the ability to teleport weapons into his hands. I’ll admit, it’s a clever way of explaining it, pity it makes little sense with the games themselves. So a few weapon intros with some cheap animation to save money but it looks like they’re from those weapon intros we saw in A Crack in Time and All 4 One.

The combuster is reintroduced, we also get the Alpha Disruptor (from the Centre for Advanced Lombax Research and fires way too quickly in the movie), the Negotiator (GrummelNet), Buzz Blades (GrummelNet) the Warmonger (GrummelNet), the Spiral of Death (GrummelNet) and the Fusion Grenade (take your pick on that one) are we going to see actual Gadgetron weapons at any point?

Clank comments on the size of Elaris’ office, which is basically a broom closet, she doesn’t mind it as much as the last guy, Doctor Nefarious, he turned evil. NO!!!! REALLY!!!?? With a name like Doctor Nefarious, I thought he was going to retire and heard sheep. At least in the games he was always evil, well, he wasn’t as a kid but what can you do.

She tells Clank that she’s noticed each planet is missing a famous landmass. Question, how can a planet be a) suitable for life b) have famous landmasses and c) be uninhabited. You see why this is a problem? Beyond that there isn’t a lot at stake when the planets are uninhabited. We won’t really get any stakes until the final 20 minutes of the movie. I’ll get back to this point later.

They want to bring it up to Captain Qwark but he ignores them whilst teaching Ratchet to use his jetpack. They head to the cafeteria through the ceiling which doesn’t cause them a mild case of death. Ratchet and Clank are walking on a sky bridge, with Ratchet sinking in how famous he is. Clank says that fame is overrated and not rewarding for payoff later. Qwark interrupts an autograph session to move along the plot and show he’s maybe a little jealous of Ratchet.

They head in their ship towards Qwartu and discuss strategies. Qwark’s is basically dive in and shoot. Clank and Elaris suggest that Drek would likely be prepared for that kind of attack but Qwark and the others ignore them. Because they’re morons.

So they begin their plan, Clank is now attached to Ratchet’s back so they can use him to find their way around. They mentioned having holo-schematics so I assume it’s that as Clank saw very little of the complex, even then not for very long. They begin their HALO drop and use the jetpacks. Ratchet manages to overtake Qwark which adds to his jealousy.

The group split up with Qwark and Brax going solo with Ratchet, Clank and Cora going together. Drek spots them and initiates his plan, with his robot companion, Zed attempting to mirror his evil laugh. This unleashes Mr Zurkons (also GrummelNet) who are for some reason (likely budgetary) not voiced by Marc Graue like they are in the games. Or if they are, they couldn’t mirror the vocal effects very well. They also lack the sass-factor that made them as popular as they were.

They enter a control room and Ratchet uses a buzz blade to lock the Zurkons out. Ratchet is now proficient at using the weapons he used to have no control over, just FYI. Clank begins interfacing with the computer. Qwark is backed into a room with Chairman Drek. Viktor destroys his gun and why doesn’t just teleport in a new one is beyond me.

Drek twists that Ratchet is making them forget who the real hero is, and how he’ll manage to survive betraying the team and oh god Qwark has always been stupid, very stupid, but he’s not this stupid! Oh wait, yes he is, he agrees to this. Never mind. Clank downloads plans for a device called the Deplanetiser, Ratchet asks “why would Drek be destroying planets” in a way that makes me think he didn’t already know that Drek was destroying planets, he did, most definitely. Anyway, his intention is to build the perfect planet.

So, everyone except Zed make their escape and Zed is captured, he’s interrogated and it’s revealed that the next target is Novalis, which is populated. They begin evacuating (there goes the stakes) as Qwark secretly goes to disarm the Rangers’ ship weapons. Nefarious teleports on the station and monologues to himself about his plan.

Qwark goes in attempting to ‘reason’ with Drek. Qwark makes a twitter joke, *sigh* before being contacted by Drek, wanting to confirm that Qwark has disabled the weapons. With that confirmed, Drek sends out a fleet to destroy them. The Rangers fall back to avoid a swarm of enemy fire and it’s frankly a miracle that none of them are shot down.

Victor finds Clank aboard the main ship, the Starship Phoenix, he teleports close to engage. Ratchet decides to head in to try and rescue Qwark, Qwark meanwhile is eating chocolates and having a massage, why Drek agreed to that I have no idea. Ratchet ejects from the ship and lands on the base. Clank hears a noise and finds Victor. Ratchet easily makes it through the control centre, really fricking easily but he’s caught by Chairman Drek in a Mag-Net (yet another GrummelNet weapon) Clank hides in a ventilation shaft. Elaris is easily defeated but reveals his weakness to water. Clank finds a Thundersmack (need I say it’s another GrummelNet weapon) and uses it to rust him to death, this convinces Zed to switch sides.

Ratchet passes Qwark and realises the betrayal. Drek sends him in a shuttle so he can live to see his failure. Why not let him live to see to see his failure on the Deplanetizer, then kill him. Anyway, Novalis is destroyed but you’ll be relieved to hear the evacuation was successful so the frowning and mourning bit seems hollow. Qwark is given a membership card and sees Nefarious. They release the harvesters which gather around an object and teleport it away. I kinda wish you could fight them.

We cut back to Veldin as Ratchet’s mourning over his relatively small failure. Grim pays him a visit, telling him the rangers want him back. He says what the moral of the story kind of sort of is “Big heroes don’t have to do big things, but the right ones” a reasonable moral for the kids, I suppose. 

Drek holds a funeral for Victor and we get the return of the annoying texting Gag. Thankfully Drek ejects the idiots out the airlock. They bring in their new patchwork planet, not quite as it looked in the brochure. And I suppose it’s time I brought this up. Drek is a blarg, all his crew are Blarg, why do they look nothing alike? 

Anyway, Clank pays Ratchet a visit and says he must endeavour to better the next time. Drek has another target. The other rangers arrive and after a couple of jokes that made me smile, Ratchet gets the others to listen to Elaris. If they can move the deplanetiser off course, they can stop it destroying its intended target. Ratchet has an idea to achieve that.

Qwark confronts Drek, who had earlier promised not to hurt the rangers, which in fairness he didn’t (not for lack of trying.) After Drek attempting to be funny, I think, Nefarious comes in, Qwark asks how he survived the prison escape, through the great power of bribery apparently. They force Qwark out as Nefarious turns Drek into a sheep using his sheepinator. Couldn’t it have been a duck, or a chicken, they were actual Gadgetron weapons! Nefarious sends the sheep on a shuttle to New Quartu, the patchwork planet.

With the Rangers, Grim and Zed working together, they manage to install Mag-boosters on all the rangers’ ships. Elaris calls them up and says she’s found Drek’s target, Umbris. The planet with Qwark’s training facility in the original game. Its core is apparently melluvian and destroying it would cause a chain reaction which would destroy the entire system. 

Zed reveals Nefarious’ involvement and the destruction of Umbris being his idea. Nefarious activates remote detonation of the base for some reason. The Galactic Rangers close in and hurrah, an actual gadgetron thing, they use a hologuise so Ratchet can disguise himself as Captain Qwark to infiltrate the base, he can remove the stabiliser whilst Clank disarms the stations’ other weapons.

That sends every Blarg into a panic and one of them reports to Nefarious, who was about to leave. Qwark sees Ratchet on a security monitor and goes to confront him. Ratchet uses a punch gun for the first move. It’s not a walloper, so it’s a new one on me. Qwark uses Cryoshot (do I even have to say it’s GrummelNet again?) there are a few weapons from earlier, a Plasma beast (again, GrummelNet) and finally a tornado launcher (you guess it, GrummelNet). I’ll give it this, it’s a very creative fight scene, and I wish there were more like it in the movie. Ratchet uses the swingshot he’s been using through the movie and the gravity boots I don’t think he has had until now.

After some words talk Qwark out, he destroys the tornado and apologises. It’s kinda better than this turns out in the game. Nefarious confronts him, and we hear his motivation and it sucks. Moving on… They get into an argument about a one-liner (*sigh*) and the blarg evacuate. The Rangers move in and move the deplanetiser so it instead destroys New Qwartu, which Drek had just unsheeped on.

They begin hauling the deplanetiser so it crashes down. Ratchet’s out of weapons. Nefarious angrily brings out his RYNO, but before we can see the ultimate weapon used, Ratchet hits him in the face with his wrench and knocks him into something. They rescue Qwark and take his vehicle thing to the bridge, where there’s a working teleporter. But Qwark overshoots and lands on the windows, which are about to crack. Clank believes they can remove the teleporter from its station (hopefully not disconnecting important components or anything) and use it to teleport them all back to the Phoenix. Qwark’s ultimate punishment for his actions, he gets very sick, although it does say something that he wants to try and make amends.

Ratchet says there’s a promise he’d like to keep and Ratchet and Clank part company. Qwark is promoting his apology book and Ratchet has proton scrubs to do. Clank arrives to help, advising Ratchet to make modifications and put Grim out of business as the customers are not paying for it. Ratchet says they’ll be back to help when they need him. All’s well that ends well, I suppose.

Except for Nefarious who is turned into a robot and finally gets his classic look. At the end of the end credits, we see the plumber for what’s supposed to be a fan tease but come on, you couldn’t get Jess Harnell to provide the voice? What’s a point of a fan tease if you can’t use the right voice actor, now you’re just p*ssing them off?

So that was Ratchet and Clank, so does this movie deserve critical hate, well yes and no

This movie is average, it’s not the best thing in the world, but far from the worst

Despite my complaints, some of which were nitpicky at best, it’s a decent adaptation. It’s definitely got the look of the games down. Rainmaker Studios’ animation gets the design right, even if the animation is at best above average and James Arnold Taylor, David Kaye and Jim Ward and Armin Shimerman all give great performances of their video game counterparts. Whilst I still complained, it’s at least nice they’re incorporating weapons from the games to give a nostalgic feel.

Outside of the main 3, the voice acting is OK, my complaints about certain voice actors being replaced shouldn’t surprise you…

Drek as a villain was awful, making him second-string to Nefarious, as popular as Nefarious is, was a mistake, as was Paul Giamanni. Kevin Michael Richardson made that role charismatic and threatening and much as he tries, Giamanni cannot carry it off in the same way. Doesn’t help that we have dialogue like “we should make t-shirts”

As a story, it’s fairly generic. The story is a basic hero’s journey and it doesn’t really stray from a relatively easy formula. Much as I have grievances with the original version, it did veer away from the clichés in a way this really didn’t.

The other big issue with this story is character. They really don’t explore any characters whose names aren’t Ratchet, Clank or Qwark. Elaris, Cora and Brax do not get much character outside of initial introductions.

The humour most of time doesn’t work for me, there are a few times it makes me smile, but it’s usually with the subtler ones like the seeing the Rangers’ initiation photos. The pop culture references really don’t work for me, there are some pop culture stuff in the originals, but it’s hidden better than this. They really should’ve done a classic Ratchet and Clank comedic double-act, that would’ve improved the movie’s humour.

But, as I’ve said it doesn’t know who it’s targeting. Ratchet and Clank games are rated 7+ in the UK, this got an all ages rating, and I think it’s a reason they shied away from a lot of things that would’ve added any tension to the movie. The fact that none of the planets were populated is unbelievable and takes away from the movie. 

And all the fan references would go over the heads of young Children anyway. It got a PG rating in the US anyway, I wish they’d embraced it. A few redrafts of the scripts could’ve ironed out a lot of problems.

But what caused this movie to fail? Was the marketing poor? Yes, absolutely. I watched it in the cinema with about 10 people, on release date. Did the critical reception make a difference? Probably, like it or not people, especially non-fans, will listen to critics. Was it the fact it was released in the shadow of yet another great Disney movie in Zootopia? That probably didn’t help

But there’s another problem, the game itself. I’ll review that next year, pointing out some of the differences between it and the movie, but the problem is the game used direct assets from the movie and despite the framing device told almost exactly the same story. The game should’ve come out 3 weeks after it did, after the release of the movie. I’m guessing the issue was not wanting it to clash with Uncharted but knowing the story from the game probably discouraged people from seeing the movie. If their intent was to use the game to market the movie it was a dismal failure. 

Ratchet and Clank will likely live on in video games, even if it’s a while before the next one (Insomniac games are wrapped up in projects at the moment) but it’s future in movies likely ends here, with a mediocre, but not terrible by any means, adaptation that at the very least, does capture the spirit of the game.

Rage Rating -75%

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Images/clips used are from Ratchet and Clank, Ratchet and Clank (2002) and wikipedia. All images in this review are subject to fair use