#57 - Smith Month - Shark Tale

I’ve not done a single Guilty Pleasure review in ages, and that’s not about to change now, we continue Smith Month with an animated future, infamous as one of the worst of the Dreamworks Catalogue, Shark Tale.

Released in 2004 and making a sizeable profit of $367m on it’s $75m budget, the movie had a mixed critical reception at the time and it’s only got worse as time went on. I normally wouldn’t cover a movie Mr Enter had already torn to shreds, but this is a Will Smith movie and hey? When was the last time I reviewed an awful kids thing? What's that? I did in my last 2 rage reviews… why break up a trilogy? This is Shark Tale

We open with the Dreamworks fisherman dropping a worm into the ocean, as the music from Jaws plays… I guess rated PG in 1987. Unfortunately, the Godfather wasn’t, so why are there so many references to it in this movie, including elements of the plot of all things! So, we’re introduced to Lenny (Voiced by Jack Black) and he refused to eat the worm. Oh joy, a shark that won’t eat the diet that’s supposed to eat to survive. For the record, we never see him eat anything else either, so I’m gonna assume he’s a ghost who starved to death years ago. Oh, and the best bit, this is the aspect they decide to repeat in the equally terrible movie Norm of the North.

So, outsider cliché established, what’s the bet that’s there’s gonna be some big row that results in some hijinks and leads to an adventure later on. Was I describing Shark Tale or the plot of Coco? Moving on, because we have a main character to be introduced to, and he’s pretending to be rich and famous by playacting in front of a billboard… *sigh* This is Oscar (get it, that thing Will Smith doesn’t have) played by Will Smith… savour any moments of likeability of him you can, like when he talks to some kids, brings someone donuts which I don’t know how he could afford and… yeah, that’s really it. You’re gonna hate him through most of the movie.

So, he works at the…. Whale wash? They literally had this set piece so they could use ‘working at the car wash’ as one of the pop songs later. He arrives late to work but finds his best friend, Angie had clocked him in anyway. And I say she’s his best friend, because they say it a lot but aside from….

Sorry, the movie just interrupted my review with product placement puns… I know animation is expensive but… seriously? You couldn’t be a tad less subtle, this almost puts 8 crazy nights to shame! Speaking of animation, holy sh*t Oscar’s design is ugly, in fact most of the designs are ugly, it’s the big thick lips, who greenlit those? *shudders*

Where was I? Oh yeah, they say it a lot but aside from this scene where he brings her donuts, I don’t see much evidence of it. Angie is madly in love with Oscar, it’s blatantly obvious from my perspective, but Oscar is… he’s a complete abject moron and that’s by far the biggest issue with this movie. Oh, and he’s a dick, putting Angie on hold and talk to her for long enough to try just about everyone’s patience.

So, Oscar’s dream about being famous and rich, although I think it’s more about being famous for him. This is probably the most dated cliché of the movie. He doesn’t want to put in the actual work to get famous but wants all the good with none of the bad. In a day and age where celebrities’ personal lives are made more and more public, and with shows like Bojack Horseman showing the mental strain that can have, this cliché is dead now, and it can rot in hell.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to the owner of the “whale wash” Sykes, a puffer fish voiced by Martin Scorsese (who was in Goodfellas) and Don Lino, voiced by, in what I can only imagine is a direct reference to the Godfather part II, Robert De Niro, he’s the leader of the gang of criminal underwater sharks… Yeah, never seen that one before…

He tells Sykes that he plans to retire and pass his empire into the hands of his sons, something which Sykes laughs at because of Lenny being… different (here we go) anyway, Don Lino has had enough of this sh*t and decides he’s cutting Sykes off, and demands protection money to keep his “Whale Wash” active.

In response, Sykes calls in Oscar, who’s borrowed money off of him on various occasions to finance get rich quick schemes that naturally have all fallen through. And I want to talk about a particular gag, where Skyes shows the food chain to Oscar.

Don Lino – Sykes – Regular Fish – Plankton – Coral – Single-celled Oraganisms – Rock – Whale Sh*t – Oscar

If that’s how the food chain works, why isn’t the whale sh*t squeezing Oscar for money? Well, I get that whale sh*t isn’t sentient, but then neither are rocks so why bring logic into it? This might seem funny but really, it’s a lame and nonsensical joke that only exists to make Oscar feel lower. Also, there’s a race joke which makes no sense, since Sykes isn’t a white fish, he’s a puffer fish

Anyway, he wants his 5000 clams (clams is a currency, go figure) or all he’ll have his jellyfish enforcers torture him, I don’t mean with the stingers which act like electricity for some reason, I mean by just talking… Frankly I’d pay 5000 clams to get ‘em to shut up

So, Oscar reveals his woes to Angie and she does something that in anyone’s mind should cement exactly the kind of relationship she wants with Oscar. She gives him her grandmother’s prised pearl, worth enough for him to get the money he needs. So far, Oscar is a bit dim-witted and obnoxious but he hasn’t become the character people have visceral hate for yet.

He’s meeting Sykes at a seahorse race, because of course one of those exists and overhears 2 random people he’s never met before discuss how the race is fixed for a seahorse named Lucky Day to win. These two people could be high on anything, Oscar wouldn’t know but after he corrupts Angie in his own head, he bets the 5000 clams on the race, and now I instantly hate Oscar. If Lucky Day wins, he’ll be a millionaire. This catches the attention of Lola, who’s introduced through a song named Gold Digger. Subtle thy name is not Shark Tale. She’s attracted to Oscar because of the money but quickly swims away when Skyes shows up and it’s revealed it was Skyes’ money he bet.  She describes herself as ‘not a deep person’ which… yeah, that doesn’t excuse it

So the race begins and Lucky Day does look to be getting ahead, no sign of whatever is was that ‘fixed the race’ though. Unfortunately, Lucky Day somehow trips and falls just short of the finish line. I say somehow because even they acknowledge that tripping underwater is stupid, touching the ground in a race when you’re a fish is stupid, this whole movie is stupid!

Back in Shark Land, Don Lino tries to convince Lenny to eat a shrimp and it goes badly, with the inevitable fallout. He doesn’t exactly run away but it’s up to his brother, Frankie, to convince him to eat a fish. Oscar is sent to be tortured by the jellyfish and whilst I feel no sympathy for him, did we have to listen to them talk through the entire thing? It’s Oscar that’s supposed to be being tortured, not the audience.

Lenny and Frankie come across them and Frankie sees this as an easy opportunity. The jellyfish run as Lenny heads to Oscar, trying to cover him so he can make his escape but Oscar is too stupid to work that out and Lenny sees that he isn’t eating him, unfortunately, during the conversation Frankie is crushed by an anchor and killed. Yes, I’m dead serious. Lenny runs away but the jellyfish return and somehow not noticing the anchor, think that Oscar had slayed the shark himself, something Oscar accepts, knowing this would earn him fame and fortune.

Ah goody, the liar revealed trope, never seen this one before! So, someone will know about the lie and manipulate him, someone else will find out and that’ll lead to a point where the plot stops for a slow pop song, probably with some ironic imagery. Yeah, thought so, kill me now!

So for some reason Sykes offers to be his manager, if he was blackmailing Oscar still wanting his money back that would be one thing but… why would you two work together for anything? Hell, next thing you know Oscar will be managing the “Whale Wash” but that could never happen, right?

Don Lino receives condolences about Frankie’s death but also some information that he was killed by someone called the Shark Slayer. Oh and he has an octopus friend who basically serves no purpose in this movie. So the high life begins for Oscar, he has a penthouse apartment, lava lamps, parties every night and Lola’s back and smothering him, Oscar far too stupid to look beyond the surface and see that’s a repulsive character. Also, in his last moment of likeability he does give Angie back her pearl, as a full necklace, conveniently forgetting to mention the whole Horse Race sh*t. Unfortunately, I do have to wonder why Angie doesn’t see that she need to be straight with him about her feelings and stop trying to reel him in, he’s too stupid to recognise subtlety.

Sharks are in the reef and now Oscar is honour bound to take care of them. Turns out it’s Lenny, who for some reason believes in the Shark Slayer, despite being there when Frankie was killed!

So, time for the manipulation to begin as Lenny says he’ll blab to everyone unless Oscar hides him away. Oscar begrudgingly agrees, despite the logical problem – no-one would listen to Lenny in the reef, and he can’t force people to listen since he’s a veggie, and going back to tell sharks would be counter to his entire purpose of being there in the first place. But, then, Lenny could go literally anywhere, why is he sticking so close to home where he might be seen? It’s a big ocean, all I’m saying.

But naturally he’s brought somewhere, not really sure where, to lay low, but at the same time he finds out Lenny’s father is the godfather, their words. Also, Sykes is making all sorts of promises to Don Lino in Oscar’s name. Look, if it were blackmail that forced these two together, that would be something but Skyes is a bad manager, Oscar doesn’t like their partnership, I don’t think Sykes is too fond of it either, why are they working together?

So, after a scene with Lola which makes it clear we’re going to be seeing abuse later and we’re supposed to laugh at it… no. We see Oscar sneaking back into the hideout and finding Angie there, she found it somehow and Lenny, for some reason, told her everything. Well, good luck Lenny, you’ve broken your side of the bargain, you’re on your own. Angie says the best solution is for Oscar to tell the truth and for Lenny to go home and no… it actually really isn’t

The liar revealed story is one as old as time, in one form or another… how do you f*ck it up this badly? If Oscar told the truth, with all the brand sponsorships he’s had, they’d be suing him for the rest of his life, and Skyes and Lola and probably Angie too considering their roles in it. Continuing the lie is their only option at this point.

But the plan is to fake Lenny’s death, in the hopes of scaring the other sharks away. Erm… yeah, that’s a great idea, fake the death of Don Lino’s son to stop him avenging the death of his other son.

Yeah… Sorry, I need another one

Yeah, that one too. But, and you won’t believe this, it works and the sharks retreat… This in spite of them knowing about Lenny’s non-aggressive tendencies. Lola comes up to Oscar and kisses him on camera, much to Angie’s annoyance. Angie, why do you even like Oscar, and for that matter, if you didn’t say anything and you know he’s a f*cking moron, why are you surprised?

She confronts him and FINALLY reveals that she loved him, although the why about that is still completely beyond me. Even before the lie he was still stupid, ignorant and selfish. Anyway, time for that sad montage of irony. Thankfully the plot doesn’t stop for too long as he tries to break up with Lola and she beats him up for it whilst no-one else notices. Go burn in a fire movie!

So, Lenny’s disguised himself as a dolphin and is working at the Whale Wash now, why? He’s faked his death, why does he need to stick around? How does the paint stay on if you’re under-water anyway? Anyway, Angie’s not at work, they get a call from Don Lino who says he’s kidnapped her, knowing she was important to him because Lola told him so. Why would Don Lino trust her? Why didn’t he just eat her? Why didn’t they think this through? Why are the fish designs so ugly? Why is Angie attracted to Oscar? Why is set underwater? Why? Why? Why?

Oh and Sykes now knows about the lie… moving on. So, they, accompanied by Lenny for no real reason, confront Don Lino. Oscar Angie means nothing to him and gets Lenny to eat her, (perfect time for some hammer-time, yeah, absolutely perfect) but of course his gag reflexes kick in and he spits her out along with a violin and a licence plate? What? After that, Lenny basically unmasks himself, much to Lino’s shock. That squid thing just exposits unnecessarily… this is not funny.

So, Don Lino vows to get Oscar and time for the shrimp Lenny didn't eat to come back and beat Don Lino up with his army of kids and because this movie is referencing mob movies, how about a Scarface reference to top it off. Next thing you’ll tell me is they’ll start referencing Silence of the Lambs in kids movies…

Oscar, displaying an unreasonable amount of cunning for someone as stupid as him, lures Don Lino into the whale wash, using its various brushes and contraptions to trap him, sure it traps Lenny first but it works. When press-ganged about this he tells the truth, then goes to deride Don Lino’s family life and NO, you bet a gift on a horse race, and have spent most of the movie trying to keep a lie, you don’t get to take the moral high ground here!

Anyway, family reunion, all is forgiven, quirks and all, all is cool and are you f*cking kidding me, Oscar now becomes joint manager of the Whale Wash, probably for the best as he’s gonna need every clam he has to fend off those incoming lawsuits. We have that song I mentioned earlier and the movie finally f*cking ends.

How best to describe this movie… It’s terrible. The aesthetic is unpleasant to look at, the jokes and the plot have aged and really, there’s no reason this movie should’ve been underwater aside from a few sight gags. Hell, certain elements of the movie would’ve worked better if it were set on land, like the vengeful ex.

The voice acting is… well, it’s passable at best, Will Smith has never sounded more obnoxious but then that’s his character. Oscar is too stupid, it’s pretty much the biggest issue of this movie.

It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen, far from it, but it just has a couple of glaring issues that really, really should’ve been addressed and for that reason, this movie gives me rage issues.

Rating 45%