Guilty Pleasures #9 - Space Warriors

It’s been a while, but we’re back, and our next outing is space warriors. How could you possibly go wrong with a title like that?

A movie released in 2013, I happened to come across it in Asda for £5, with a title like Space Warriors, I couldn’t resist. My research reveals very little about movie. I don’t have any budget or box office figures that I could find, implying that it was definitely done on the cheap.

Reviews about this, like most of my Guilty Pleasures are… mixed. However, unlike the usual movies, I’ve had to watch a movie to form an opinion, because there are so few of them. I did a post a few early responses to the movie on Twitter but that’s it.

Before we dig into the movie, let’s take a look at the blurb on the DVD case

“Young whiz kid Jimmy’s (Thomas Horn) dreams come true when he gets an invitation to a space came, though he tricks his parents (Dermot Mulroney and Mira Sorvino) in order to attend. While there he gets a chance to compete with other brainiacs under the tutelage of former astronaut, Captain Buck Manley (Josh Lucas). Jimmy and his team of genius misfits are on the fast track to winning the highest honours when Jimmy’s parents find out the truth and pull him out of the cam. It’s only when NASA’s Commander Phillips (Danny Glover) needs a fast solution to a real-life disaster that Jimmy gets a chance to redeem himself. But will he be able to keep his cool under immense pressure.”

That, with a few minor sub-plots added in for good measure is the entire movie! Walden Media was involved in this production, you should know better than writing down your entire plot on the blurb. It’s also quite worrying that they could. So let’s dig into Space Warriors and see if my worries are well founded.

After way too many logos of companies I’ve never heard of, followed by them all coming up again in the opening we get a satellite watching over Earth. The satellite crashes into the international space station and we get some opening narration by, oh god, Drake Bell, the guy who does the irritatingly whiny voice of Spider-man in the Marvel Animated Universe. So after some stock footage, we reveal that the guy’s father worked for NASA until something blew up and… That’s about it.

Yeah, do the moonwalk, make one of the few jokes this movie actually has to offer

Some guy, whose name hasn’t yet been revealed (it’s Jimmy, it said so in the blurb) has a part time job in a space museum, and he looks like he’s about 12, because that’s realism folks. We also see that the movie had 11 executive producers (jeez, how many people are that desperate to get their name on a film like this) more surprisingly there are 5 writers, and 5 people working on the screenplay, and yet the plot still fits on the blurb, actually it credits the same 5 people working on the story and the screenplay, why they’re credited twice I couldn’t say.

I’m sorry, usually Guilty Pleasures are used to compliment movies that don’t necessarily have the best reputation, whilst acknowledging their flaws. I’m gonna be complaining a lot about this one, but come on, I read the plot on the back of the DVD cover before I bought it, I knew it wasn’t gonna be brilliant, so this can’t enrage me.

In Huntsville, Alabama, and what were they thinking using that font, As are not Vs turned upside down. And they shouldn’t be either. Jimmy can’t get in the house because he’s forgotten his keys, but no-one’s in, so he breaks in and gets stuck. A guy who’s in the back garden for some reason, and is definitely not a policeman acts like one and gets Jimmy out. He gives Jimmy his golden ticket and yet more narration by Drake Bell follows. But of course, Jimmy needs parental consent.

I'm extremely excited! Either that or I've passed wind

Time to briefly introduce the rest of the team, Bao, the rocket man, Sergey, the hacker (computer genius but same difference). Next up is where the fuck is that? I can’t read your space text. What’s the point of telling us where things are in text if it’s difficult to read?! So the mechanic is Russell, who is nicknamed Rusty. We have the tough girl robotics genius, Dani, although not so much a genius as the robot nearly injures the man’s hand, and then we have the geeky girl, Lacy, apparently a pilot, good. Lacy has the tragic backstory, which means she’s the love interest in this story.

After nearly killing the guy with the prize by piloting RIDIULOUSLY CLOSE to him, she too gets the golden ticket. Jimmy’s mom won’t budge on giving him access because of arguments and shuttles being blown up. But yeah, we wouldn’t have a plot if this stood, so he’s gonna try and lie his way around it, because that’s the best solution. He begins to forge the documents using signatures from paperwork and oh my god, how smart is this kid?

So, he lies his way to space camp in Huntsville Alabama, which I can only read because I’ve paused the tape! Jimmy arrives and so do a lot of people, apparently, ok. He meets with Russel and for reasons of plot they have to get into an arbitrary fight so that Sergey can intervene. Dani enters asking for screwdriver and if you call her Danielle she brings the pain; that sounds incredibly familiar

No-one has a phillips screwdriver, but a knife from Jimmy’s pocket-tool apparently will do. OK, Dani immediately tries to set him and Lacy together because that really happens in real life. And then Jimmy describes their characters in a nutshell. Of course he finds Lacy scary, because he’s in love, either that or he’s… let’s just say in love, shall we?

We're team Warriors. We're like team Avatar only way less interesting

They go for food where things really heat up, then antics ensue for no reason or consequence. Meanwhile at the international space station… Houston control calls a shuttle back to the station because of the collision.

Meanwhile, Commander Phillips begins his speech to the audience. Which is intercut with a speech from Captain Buck and some other woman.  Captain Buck teaches Jimmy’s group, giving Russell a pep-talk about not being arrogant, and that’s it… Because it’s time to meet the jocks. Apparantly the Titans are current champions, surely that means they’ve already had the shuttle ride of something.

Time to demonstrate the toys from the science museum, before the jocks have a chance to be dicks for no f*cking reason other than being jocks. I hate the excuse of it’s a kids movie. The Lion King was a kids movie, Frozen was a kids movie (doing a review for that in January by the way), being a kids movie is not an excuse for shallow characters, especially when you have 5 writers working on it.

Ah, one of the jocks suddenly likes Bao, bet she isn’t going to turn on the lead bully along with everyone, making him alone against won, because that would be an interesting if still shallow subplot.  There’s a problem in the space station, and there’s limited Oxygen available, but away from interesting plot, time for more of the competition, and where did they get that stock music. Tell me they didn’t have someone recompose that sh*t. Lead jock uses a bag of green gunk to make Sergay sick in the spinny shuttle thing test.

So, the warriors, yes, they’re calling themselves the warriors, something tells me their leader should be this guy

Anyway, they are currently in 4^th place, with the Jocks (who call themselves the Titans) obviously in the lead. Other teams are the Redstones, the Blasters, the Apollos and the Max Q’s? (Does some research) maximum dynamic pressure; how smart are these kids, and whey only in 5^th place with a name like that?

So, Jimmy, calls his father, who was struggling with the tent for their camping trip. Bla bla bla, something about a heat-shield being defective, and hence BOOM! And if his dad had been listened to it might’ve been prevented, but…

So, it’s day 2, and they begin some sort of simulator, they seem successful despite some arguing with Russel, but then Jimmy suggests going down a considerable gradient to save on time, but most likely burn up on the process, things start to get heated, quite literally and the mission is failed. Gee, maybe that was the humility mentioned in the phone conversation. That foreshadowing was obvious.

You you you you have have have have failed failed failed failed

Some arguing later Jimmy’s mother can’t get through to him on the phone, but he’s lying on picture on the moon, specifically so they can do a debris on the moon joke. Buck laments about a shortcut he tried to take, the mission in 2003… Which I still can’t really understand because it still explains next to nothing.

Back at the damaged International Space Station, the crew need to evacuate, but only 3 can fit in the escape pods, because the other was damaged. The pull straws (where he did get those from, and the winners exit the station)

Day 3 of the competition and it’s zipewire time. God I saw less safety equipment in Stormbreaker. Through a montage of challenges the warriors, and Bau gets one of the few lines he has in his movie, and oh goody he’s a Chinese stereotype. Jimmy has to deal with calls from his mother and father at once (didn’t really think this through did he, and we know they’re gonna find out, it said so on the blurb) so the warriors are now in 3^rd, only 1 point behind the redstones.

The Redstones are red, violets are blue, I'm watching this movie, so you won't have to (you can thank me later)
© Nostalgia critic 

Time for romance! Jimmy fulfils a promise to Lacy and cooks for her, how I have no idea, since he has no ingredients or equipment. Lacy wants to be the first person to touch a star (apparently there’s a star as cool as the human body, some research later I find this is correct) and he reads the poem he submitted when he applied. She reveals that she’s too young to be in the competition, as her 15^th birthday is only the next day, and no-one thought to check this!

And you know, we haven’t heard from Drake Bell for a while, thank heavens. So the lucky few depart the International Space Station in an escape pod, but the weather means that communications to the space station have been rerouted, and how convenient, it’s exactly the same place the competition is taking place, what are the odds?

Day 4 of the competition goes well, as they seem to have miraculously repaired all the hostilities and beat the Titans by having an egg launched in a rocket arrive in tact, what are the rest of the teams doing? Warriors move into second place, 23 points behind the Titans, but what are the odds, 25 points are awarded to the winner of the next race (and presumably none to anyone else, hmm) but trouble rears its head as news breaks that Lacy’s too young to be there.  And there’s that Coca-Cola room again, don’t you just love product placement?

Wait, is L2-13 Coca-Cola as well? Damn that's product placement. About as subtle as the rest of the movie

And we see Lead jock threatening the others to stay quiet as he sabotages the vehicle. Lacy has to be sent home. Cut to CNM breaking news (couldn’t even get CNN) their job is to provide exposition, and make me scratch my head about how they seem to know everything. We hear more about hurricane Nancy, and they have a reporter in the middle of it, because work safety: what’s that?

Commander Phillips is given control of NASA, and wants to talk to Russia. We cut to the final day of the competition, where the Warriors check out the competition before Jimmy reveals that Lacy is gone. Their solution is the use of remote controls? Isn’t that cheating? With Jimmy and Dani’s robot piloting the vehicle (so that’s what the remote’s for, but still, isn’t that cheating?) The race begins, the Titans have a lead, and everyone else is behind (what’s the point in them racing, they can’t win) the Warriors catch up to the Titans, but are knocked off the track. So Bao suggests adding rockets to the bike. (OK, that’s got to be cheating, hasn’t it? Also, where did he pull those from?) In no less than 2 seconds the rockets activate and overtake, but the wheel falls off and the Titans win the day. (Yeah, like that’s gonna stand for long) the two turncoats look despondent despite their victory, knowing the warrior’s bike was sabotaged.

We're the bad guys, you can tell because we're wearing black (or very very dark green)

Jimmy’s mother makes a call but doesn’t get through, so she calls his father, and finally they come to the realisation that Jimmy has gone to space camp, also, wasn’t she supposed to be busy with work, she’s spent half her screen time making phone calls like she’s not busy at all) she breaks down, thinking he ran away but the father soon confirms he went to space camp. The two turncoats, who are now wearing blue uniforms like the warriors for some reason, now begin to explain how the lead bully sabotaged the warrior’s bike. Captain Manley confronts him quickly about the problem, then calls Jimmy to his office, where his parents are waiting.

The mother asks him a question, but before he can answer his father tells him now is not the time for talk. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!!! So I’m gonna call the mother and father Dumber One and Dumber Two for that idiotic line. So bullsh*t happens and Jimmy is told to leave. And time for WNE, another made up News Network to say Russia has reactivated their space programme and the escape pod landed in Argentina.

Just be glad you're only doing a cameo in this movie

So Phillips wants someone who knows exactly what’s happening up there, and surely someone in the room should qualify, but no, we have wait for quite possibly the stupidest resolution ever.  Dumber 2 gets a phone call from Phillips, because it’s time to get back into action, consequences be damned. So Bullsh*t News suddenly tells us information about the International Space Station running out of air. How the hell did they know that, did someone tell them that, who would’ve told them that? And now this begins to get stupid. They suddenly know everything, where the people are, what they’ve done, why they’ve done it. It’s impossible for the news to know everything! Especially when it comes to things like this.

Jimmy is on his laptop and comes with this line “something’s wrong guys, I have a plan but I need your help” the correct answer to that is

“NASA hires some of the best and brightest people in the world, what makes you think that you, a 15 year old kid, knows better” but of course, they’re all in on this plan. Pass me that brick wall.

In Washington DC, stuff happens, but we cut right back to space camp where Lacy’s back and Jimmy has a plan. Maybe if I bang my head against something it might actually make sense. Rescue will take 7 hours, but the astronauts will die a half hour before the shuttle arrives. They confront Captain Manley with their idea, with Jimmy saying he knows how to save the astronauts… Maybe if I bang my head against something again...

He explains his plan, using a suit and the skill of just about everyone in the process.  Manley decides to think it over. 1 hour 45 minutes before launch, Manley puts the idea forward, and Phillips, being the first person in the movie to be making any sense points out that they’re just a bunch of kids! I don’t mind kids doing grown up things, but this makes NASA look like an absolute joke. Their brilliant idea to save air is telling the flipping astronauts to sleep. THE ENTIRETY OF NASA, AND NO-ONE THOUGHT OF THIS INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS SUGGESTION. BULL-F*CKING-SH*T!!!

The colour blue seems to be spreading

Dumber 2 advises that his child is on that team, and without hearing a single detail of the plan, suggests it might work. You know, I’m not even sure this a guilty pleasure review anymore. I’m not sure what it is I like about this movie anymore.  The warriors are called back to action because the best and the brightest of NASA didn’t come up with these incredibly basic ideas (use Robot + Sleep = duh!) Something tells me the people who work at NASA are more like this

So, montage of stuff happens… And exposition news network number 6 bajillion (they couldn’t just settle with one, could they) tells us a load of stuff that not only we as viewers already know, but they couldn’t possibly know. The rocket launches, but the oxygen levels are becoming critical, with the only person with any scientific know-how saying they’re not gonna make it, with the whole going to sleep idea completely ignored. Captain Phillips comes to space camp and tells the warriors to act, but they can’t communicate with the space station via conventional means, but a ham radio can. BULLSH*T!

Anyway, apparently Jimmy knew this to talk to his dad, and because this was never mentioned before this an incredibly contrived plot convenience. Because they’re idiots, they let Jimmy talk to the astronauts, rather than someone they’d recognise because you know, they’re communicating with a Ham radio, could be anyone. With Sergay serving as a Russian translator, they give the astronauts the instruction to sleep.

Sergay manages to remotely link to the space station, as they bring in the Titans (minus the bully) to help. Jimmy instructs them to use canisters of knock out gas or something to bring them to sleep, apparently designed by NASA in case of just such an emergency (and still, no-one thought to use them except Jimmy, I’m beginning to think NASA scientists are like this.

Knock out gas emitted, the 3 astronauts fall asleep, or at least seem to be cold (surely the body uses energy to warm up, hence needs more oxygen.) Jimmy and Rusty use motion capture suits (that they built in maybe 2 minutes mind) and they begin to repair the faulty ammonium pump, with plenty of reaction shots intercut. 45 minutes in, the new pump is coming, but some debris is detected within the vicinity, which if it hits the station, game over. Buck and Dumber 2 argue the most pointless argument in history. Dumber 2 says

“if something goes wrong, these kids will have the deaths of these guys on their hands for the rest of lives” ignoring the fact that if the debris does hit and the kids do nothing, they’ll still have to deal with the same guilt!

You're a bigger idiot than me! And that's saying something (not just about me but about the quality of people NASA hire)

No, I’m not sure I can take this level of dumb. There were 5 writers working on this… thing… How come none of them realised this argument was stupid! Dumber 1 and Dumber 2 talk and Dumber 1 brings him round and they begin avoidance manoeuvres. Jimmy runs to Lacy as she feels the pressure as Jimmy calls calms her down. The news knows more than the kids in the same location because plot convenience. Lacy and Bau together pilot the station to avoid the debris. The pump is replaced. The temperature of the station is rising because it hasn’t been rotating, and this means that the astronauts are consuming more oxygen (I’m not one to argue science surely but warmer means the astronauts are using less energy to get warm, and surely hence do not need as much oxygen)

They need to move the space station from where the sun can’t hit it, and thanks to plot contrivance they can and the temperature begins to fall, and the new shuttle docks with the station, rescuing the crew, and more news footage that people know way too much, and have access to footage they shouldn’t have access to. Mission accomplished, and not one moment too soon.

It's party time?

So time to wrap things up. Hugs and kisses, and the competition awarded to the Space Warriors with the Titans I assume disqualified. Fireworks go off (really) and Jimmy is grounded for 2 months for lying. Lacy comes over and offers him pizza, and of course they let him off grounding for the night. Then, oh boy, the narration starts again. There’s a party with a brief interruption and… that’s it.

Need I even say this movie sucks!!

It’s not an anger inducing movie, like my normal rage reviews, mostly, but that’s because if you were expecting a good movie out of this, you’re probably deluded.

The movie is dumb. The funny thing is they play this ludicrous concept entirely straights, that was ballsy especially considering their target audience was children. This needn’t have played it this seriously, and I’d have been more inclined to have fun if they tried to lighten the tone of the film.

Apparently you can just attach rockets to these things, and in 2 seconds, instant speed boost

The plot is paper thin, the competition that’s at the forefront of the first two-thirds of the movie is pretty much set aside for the final act, that while it did have a few scenes to foreshadow events, it seemed almost entirely separate from the main plot.

The issue about the plot being written on the blurb was a major mistake. Once you’ve read it there are no real surprises in the film. It plays out quite predictably, and it makes it a hell of a drag to sit through.

Character develop amongst the team is rather lacking. Really Jimmy and Lacy get the brunt with a bit saved for Rusty, but the others get next to no character development whatsoever. For a film that emphasises the value of team-work, that is not a good sign.

The titans as pseudo-villains of the piece are rather boring. They’re bullies with no real defining characteristics, and those that go turncoat really seem to do it for no reason, and there’s a real lack of development behind any of them. The other teams in the competition are just there with no dialogue or character to even talk about.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! What the f*ck is up with that?

The third in act is the act where things fall apart, and the only act that’s even slightly rage-inducing. The fact that NASA had to rely on kids to solve problems in manners that are in essence rather basic is far beyond my suspension of disbelief, add to the that Jimmy’s father becoming completely dumb, and the mother being pointless beyond a motivational speech of how she can’t let her fears get in the way. Also this is where the news footage starts and it’s all either pointless, or you’re wondering how they know everything they do.

This film had the potential to better than this garbage, but I think it was beyond the possibility of being a good movie, and I never expected it to be. Did I like it? On a second viewing, not really, so this is less a guilty pleasure and more a bad movie that I can’t rage at because it couldn’t really have been anything else.

Rage rating: 10%

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Images used in this review are from Space Warriors, Raven and Who Wants to be a Millionaire and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.