#24 - Cruise Month - War of the Worlds

It’s time for another entry for Cruise Month

You know, there have been some pretty big producers/directors on this show, George Lucas/Christopher Nolan spring to mind, but there a few bigger than the one who directed this movie. Steven Spielberg. Spielberg has directed films from the Indiana Jones and Jurassic Park, and has been involved in Back to the Future, Men in Black, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, Freakazoid and even Transformers.

This and next week’s Minority Report were both collaborations with Spielberg with Dreamworks and Tom Cruise with Paramount. The results are mixed as we look at War of the Worlds. Based (once again very loosely) on the HG Wells novel of the same name (I haven’t read it, I’m judging the movie as a standalone product) it was commercially successful grossing nearly $600m on a $132m budget. Critically also successful, nominated for 6 different academy awards (all of which it lost to King Kong) but winning awards in other areas.

So why do I dislike this film? Well, let’s dig in.

So after the inevitable paramount and Dreamworks logos we get some opening narration from Morgan Freeman

  

Aliens with intelligence greater than our own were observing the earth with ‘envious eyes’ and drew up plans to annihilate us (rather than, I don’t know, USING THEIR GREATER INTELLIGENCE TO CHANGE THEIR OWN WORLDS)

Foreshadowing?

We open at a construction site where crates are being moved. This is just fascinating watching people, I do hope this scene continues past its welcome. Oh it’s still going, how delightful. We meet our main character Ray Ferrier, played by Tom Cruise, as he exits the crane to go home. His boss says he wants him back at 4 but Harry says he’s off for the next 12 hours, blaming the union regulations

This is very close to ticking that ‘Tom Cruise plays an a**hole cliché,’ he arrives home and is greeted by his ex-wife Mary Ann, who drops off their kids, Robbie (Justin Chatwin) and Rachel (Dakota Fanning) and you wanna guess which clichés these pair follow. Robbie is emotionally distant pained idiot, Rachel is goddamn annoying. Aren’t you so glad these 3 are the main characters of the movie? Are you? ARE YOU?!

They enter the house to find it’s a complete mess, with no real food supplies. Yeah, I think we consider the ‘Tom Cruise plays an a**hole’ box well ticked. They take the pair upstairs and find they’re sharing rooms, which Mary Ann finds annoying (you know, lady, he’s a single guy, he’s lucky he can afford a house at all, you’re not expecting one to sleep with him are you?)

One loving happy family right here

So, he’s left alone with the kids as we see via plot convenience news we see reports of lightning storms in their home town and emps followed by earthquakes in Ukraine. Ray turns off the TV so he and Robbie can throw a baseball. OK, we get it, he’s a bit of deadbeat parent, move onto the next scene.

After the window is inevitably broken, Ray decides to leave the kids to order takeout while he goes to sleep (great father material there) in the next scene he’s awake and we discover the kids have ordered health foods place (because kids do that all the time) much to the disgust of Ray (oh and nice TiVO product placement there, real subtle!) and the Robbie took Ray’s car and left, which she did not feel the need to report until this point. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

Ray heads out to find his car as people see very dark clouds heading towards them. They head to the back yard to get a clearer view (for some reason) and remark that it’s weird that the wind is blowing toward the storm. Ray brings Rachel out to see as the wind dies down and the Lightning begins to strike.

I don't think these people were even supposed to be here, they just showed up and Spielberg rolled with it

They head inside as the Lightning gets ever closer to the house. Rachel hides under a table and Ray soon follows suit. She asks whether Robbie’s ok, and I don’t know maybe if you’d told him say when he took the car he might actually be able to know the answer to the question. Ray wonders why there’s no thunder. The lightning seems to stop, and Ray discovers that none of the power works including his watch and phone (nice they had that exposition dump about EMPs.) Ray comes outside (leaving Rachel ALONE) and soon stumbles across Robbie, the car had stopped thanks to the EMP at Lincoln avenue and he remarks that the lightning had opened some kind of hole in the ground.

He asks Robbie to stay with Rachel until he gets back whilst he goes to investigate. We get 2 redshirts who follow Ray because they know him (wish we did) and they find a spot that was struck by the lightning 26 times. Tom somehow makes it through the police telling everyone to back away and picks up a piece of rock to find that it’s freezing. They realise that something’s moving down there but it can’t be a train or a burst pipe as none run through the area (no water-main pipe when there are buildings around. Not buying that for a single second)

The ground begins to rumble and it expands across the roads, hitting buildings, tearing them apart. The police order people back up as something stirs beneath the ground. Ray’s main character shield means he isn’t hard as we lots of scenes of a church collapsing because

Out of the ground comes a tripod (yes, I’m serious about that name) a massive, unstoppable killing machine. (Because those just pop out of the ground every so often) as people stop to take photos of it we get some horns as it prepares to start killing people. As all the extras and supporting characters we didn’t care about are killed, Ray’s character shield is holding at 68% meaning there’s a decent chance of him surviving the moving despite the rampant destruction happening right behind him.

Glad to see Ray and everyone is alright but WHAT ABOUT THE CHURCH!?

Ray returns to his house, covered in dust to questions about what’s going on. He’s completely oblivious to Rachel and Robbie’s questions until he notices the dust all over him, the dust likely from people that were slaughtered by the tripod. He claims that they’re leaving in 60 seconds to, guess what? More f*cking questions. Guys, if someone tells you that we’re leaving in 60 seconds, assume it’s an emergency and get going.

Ray finds his favourite toy, a handgun, and proceeds to a car that had a broken solenoid at the time of the EMP, and might run now it’s been replaced (can someone who knows more about science explain that to me?) the owner of the garage confronts him and Ray warns him that he doesn’t come with, he’ll die. This frightens Rachel, because nothing you’ve seen so far isn’t frightening.

As they drive away the manager is killed, rampant destruction then destroys the rest of the town. They drive along the road, chocka-block with cars that aren’t working because of the EMP, Rachel has gone into a right state and Robbie needs to calm her down. And I swear this conversation happened

“This thing, this machine it came out of the ground it started torching everything. It was killing everybody”

“What is it? Is it terrorists?” (Because terrorists can construct machines that come out of the ground and start killing people for no reason)

“No, this came from someplace else”

“What do you mean, like, Europe”

This is even more a punch in the face to fans of the book, as it took place in Europe, in my home country of England to be precise! Anyway, he theorises that machines were already buried there and the lightning was the pilot going into the machine to activate it. I hate to bubble burst this theory but this makes no sense! How could an alien bury a machine underground? Why would they bury the machine underground? You have weapons technology, spaceships (otherwise how did they even get to earth?) launch a normal invasion!

Rachel starts screaming to be taken to her mother (it gets and more annoying) and they arrive at the house, but of course neither her nor her new husband Tim are around, having already gone to Boston. The power is still on, meaning the EMP hasn’t hit. Ray tries to imitate the way to calm Rachel down but he does it wrong.

Robbie tries to call ahead but finds no reception. Ray tries to prepare food but because his kitchen was empty, all they have is some cr*ppy sauces, and Peanut Butter (that’s what happens when you don’t stock the kitchen, Ray) he tries to make them peanut butter sandwiches (there was bread in the house) but Rachel reveals that she’s allergic to peanut butter, and Robbie isn’t hungry (OK, the allergic thing is Ray’s fault, but Robbie – you’re a douchebag)

They head to the basement to sleep and Rachel continues to be a whiny little b*tch about it. OK, kid seriously, if you have back problems at age 10, you’ve got issues! (I’m gonna get a response for this aren’t I? If you’re 10 years old and have back problems: I apologise, also this is a 12 rated movie, go away!)

Robbie and Rachel sleep with Ray keeping watch. Trees outside begin to shake, lightning begins to strike nearby with no thunder but this isn’t the aliens, it’s something else. They head into the boiler room as something makes impact with the house. The dawn rises and they’re still alive, Ray goes out to investigate and finds that an air-plane has crashed into the house.

Of all the houses in all the towns in the all countries in  all worlds, he had to crash into my ex-wife's. I'm so happy right now!

He finds a guy alive and assumes he was one of the passengers but he’d been rendered deaf by a shell explosion, his life saved by a camera. More or less they’re a news team, here to give us some exposition. The tripod is surrounded by a force-field that prematurely detonates any explosives fired at it, Ray learns that there’s more than one of them about, in fact there’s about a hundred of them. With the horns sounding, Ray tries to get his family out.

Upon seeing the crashed plane, Robbie’s anger issues seem to be unlocked. They drive along back roads so people don’t see that they have a working car. Rachel needs to use the bathroom and they stop on some farmland, she goes to find some privacy and ends up by a river, she sees a bunch of dead bodies floating down the river. Wait? WHAT! The tripods have completely atomised their victims, so why are their bodies floating down the river? Rachel is upset as she sees the bodies and is about to scream when Ray covers her eyes

Death on the river <I haven't got a clue>

A military convoy passes by and Robbie begs to come with them, leaving his little sister, who is prone to panic attacks with the guy who has no idea how to handle them! No, you’re still a douchebag. There’s a heated argument between Ray and Robbie which Rachel breaks up. Robbie takes over driving as they enter a village filled with people begging for a ride. When the window cracks they end up crashing into a post with people smashing the windows and tearing open the car. Robbie and Ray are forced out and bruised by the mob. Ray tries to use his gun to make people back away but he’s forced to drop his gun thanks to another guy holding a gun to his head.

The other guy takes the car but Ray is able to take his daughter out. They sit in a diner as the gun he’d dropped is used for another car-jacking. They walk, passing a memorial to dead people. Amidst conversations we find a train on fire passing by because… because. They approach a ferry to cross the river, and we meet another bunch of red-shirts, someone and her daughter. Some fleeing birds alert Rachel who alerts everyone else to a tripod incoming. The panic begins and people swarm en mass onto the ferry. The ferry begins to cast off with military officers sent to block any more passengers.

Ladies and gentlemen, your nightmares for tonight, you're welcome!

The tripod is joined by two others, increasing the panic. Ray tries desperately to get her family and the red-shirts on the boat but are blocked. Ray and the family make it aboard but the red-shirts are left behind. Robbie climbs to the top of the ramp to help those that were desperately clinging to it. However the bad news gets worse as another tripod emerges from the water and begins to tilt thr boat. Ray and his family jump overboard but are hit by a car, forcing them under momentarily. As the tripods begin to grab people, Ray’s main character shield is still holding at 58%, so he somehow survives

They make it to shore, and it goes black and white briefly as we see on the mainland 5 tripods obliterating the place. 3 more appear and begin their attack on this side of the river forcing our characters to make a run for it. Clothing begins to fall from the sky because…  because.

Robbie walks ahead, with his main character shield fading fast, he sees the military coming in to fight the tripods and Robbie runs among them. Rachel and Ray chase after him, Ray leaving Rachel by a treeside. The military fire everything doing minimal damage to the tripod. A couple find Rachel, believing her to be abandoned, and try and drag her away, upon seeing them Ray has no choice but to let Robbie go to go after her. As the military vehicles chase towards them on fire there’s a massive explosion signifying Robbie’s likely death as the tripods continue their assault.

One guy offer sanctuary to Ray and Rachel (why do they all have names beginning with R anyway?) Ray tends to Rachel and sends her to sleep, claiming Robbie is gonna meet them in Boston (this is just sad, she’s only gonna be worse when she finds out what really happened) he sings a lullaby about cars (go figure) and sends her to sleep.

I hate it when my car is on fire and it movies like I haven't let go of the accelerator, and there's still petrol going into the engine

The guy offers Ray peach schnapps (nice product placement) before claiming it’s disgusting (Hey! I like Peach Schnapps) his name is Harlen Ogilvy and he has water and supplies that should last them a while if they stay. Harlen theorises that the aliens have been planning this for millions of years, before there were even people on the planet and now I’m just more confused. If they planted them millions of years ago, how does anyone know about them now? Why would they plant them a million years ago? And more importantly, didn’t they say at the beginning that the aliens were jealous of humans?

Harlen gives a there’s no hope speech and I’m getting a feeling he’s gonna be revealed to be a psychopath sometime in the near future. The aliens break into the house. Harlen wants to fight, citing a rumoured defeat of the aliens in Osaka. He wants him and Ray to fight together and yeah, he’s a psychopath.

Red Ivy stuff begins growing around the walls as Harlen tries to talk to Rachel, this annoys Ray but soon they have bigger things to worry about as a tentacle from a tripod heads into the basement and begins to scan the area. They hide to avoid the scans and use opportunities presenting themselves so Rachel and Ray can get back together. Harlen meanwhile prepares to attack it with an ace but Harlen tries to stop him as it would undoubtedly alert the tripod to their presence.

New flexi-torch, get into all of those hard to reach places!

They hide behind a mirror, fooling the tentacle but a small foot of Rachel’s gives them away, luckily they’re faster and stealthier than humanly possible and they hide elsewhere, leaving Rachel’s shoe behind.  The tentacle departs but there’s more to come as aliens that remind me of smaller tripods begin to explore.

As the aliens near the expert, Harlen loads his shotgun and prepares to fire but Ray takes it away, leading to a tussle between the two. Ray loses the fight but the aliens leave under the calling of another horn before a shot can be fired. This p*sses off Harlen. As we see more blood vines or whatever you’d call it.

We see the tripod extracting blood from a human test subject. Harlen is scared and begins digging a tunnel Ray is annoyed that it might attract attention. Ray blindfolds Rachel and tells her to sing Hushabye Mountain whilst he takes care of Harlen. They sleep, Rachel in his arms but they’re disovered by a tanctacle. Ray takes care of it with an axe only to find that Rachel had come upstairs and been captured by Tripod. (Going upstairs in a panic situation is a very good thing to do, said no-one ever!) Ray finds the most conveniently placed military vehicle ever and takes out a bunch of convenient grenades. He is then deliberately captured by the tripod and held in the cage just beneath it.

I love it when I find potentially useful ammunition in a conveniently abandoned vehicle

A tentacle grabs one of the prisoners and well, sprays out its blood basically. Ray finds Rachel in the cage but she’s gone totally white with fright. Ray is grabbed by a tentacle but has some grenades. The crowd pull him out, minus the grenades with the pins removed, the tripod is destroyed and the remaining prisoners freed. They arrive, finally, in Boston, which had also felt the effects of the tripods. The tripods around there had all shut down suddenly after behaving erratically.  They see a final tripod and they head into a tunnel for shelter. The tripod is surrounded by birds. Ray exits the tunnel, seeing the birds implying that the shields have gone down. The military fire their heavy weaponry bringing the final tripod down. Am I the only one totally confused. What the f*ck has just happened. A door opens and gallons of blood come out alongside a dying alien. I’m still confused.

BIRDS!!!

Ray takes Rachel to her grandparent’s house as they had intended, and her mother is delighted to see her alive. They embrace as we see that WAIT A MINUTE! ROBBIE’S STILL ALIVE?! AND HE MADE IT TO BOSTON! BULL-F*CKING-SH*T!!!!

Nope nope, still bullsh*t

So, anyone else want an explanation? Guess we’re gonna have to settle with some more narration by Morgan Freeman. They were killed by tiny organisms by like bacteria and we get some religious bullsh*t. SHOW DON’T TELL! This didn’t have the adequate foreshadowing and as such comes across as a massive copout!

Someone put silly-string  in front of the camera again!

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

Disaster movies are usually things I tend to avoid when looking at movies, and this is the reason why I will continue to do so. The whole story lacks an internal logic, we get exposition dumps at the beginning and the end of the movie explaining what should’ve really been shown in some capacity. Our protagonists don’t come across as likeable. Ray comes across as a deadbeat but we don’t really see what he’d gone through and reasons he ended up that way, making him much harder to relate to.

Whilst you can perhaps relate more to Robbie, helped immensely by the performance given here, given his response to situations he’s in, not to mention how he’s portrayed initially makes him come across as a massive douchebag. His sacrifice could’ve felt like a definitive end but they had to cop-out for a Spielberg happy ending and have him alive.

I don't think this is the first time he's seen himself like this

Rachel is annoying throughout the first 2 acts, between screaming, moaning and having panic attacks I don’t have any connection to her character. And while there is some realism in having a character like her, there needs to be comedy, which this movie steers well clear of.

The aliens are boring. I’m sorry but they’re just an unstoppable force with no conceived plan, poorly conceived motivation and a dues ex-machina defeat. I still don’t know why they were harvesting blood, and why they stopped using their death rays and started abducting people. As for the defeat in itself because we don’t see the aliens (they were martians in the novel, I don’t know why it was necessary to change that) we get no indication that the planet was killing them, so it just comes off as a copout. And I don’t know why the force field on that last walker suddenly went down, someone explain that one to me.

Rage Rating 85%

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Images used in this review are from War of the Worlds, The Simpsons, Ratchet and Clank and Bad Movie Beatdown and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.