Guilty Pleasures #29 - The Hunters

Next up we have a subject I’ve not covered before, failed TV pilots turned into TV movies.

OK, I’m maybe being presumptuous. It’s never outright stated that this was a TV pilot, however it’s presented like a TV show, paced like a TV show, leaves out a lot of detail that would presumably fill future episodes, ends with teasers for the potential rest of the season and it aired on TV Network rather than going to cinema. I think that’s a fair case.

The Hunters received mixed reception by the audience, 5/10 on IMDb, but let’s take a closer look.

We open with plenty of establishing shots of Chiang Mai, Thailand, or at least a small place in a lot of woodland. Apparently some filming was done in Thailand if you can believe Wikipedia (which you can’t – and this isn’t sourced). 5 officers are rushing into a building whose name I can’t read. There’s been a burglary, we cut to the thieves who are soon ratted out by a random kid who has nothing to do with anything.

They escape on a motorbike but the cops are in pursuit. They talk about their children and how they’re always away from them. They manage to escape the cops and head down a market street and have some lunch at a good stand. They meet up with a partner, she acquired a map, and they place the stolen artefact upon it, putting a candle in artefact so the artefact shines a light on a particular location. This seems complicated.

They head out to this jungle location and find a large gap, fortunately their partner has a zip wire launcher they can use. Of course she does. You know these aren’t even the main characters of the movie. Somehow she sends the handles back up so the others can swing down, go figure how that works. They approach a waterfall and conduct a scan, there’s a passage in the waterfall, the man who has yet to be referred to by name goes out in search of it. He crawls in and discovers a vase, containing a stick. Apparently you can zip-line uphill now.

The two women zip-line uphill but there’s a delay in the handle coming back down and his wife tells him not to, he zips up anyway and finds 2 armed mercs waiting. Their partner had betrayed them. They zip back down but the partner cuts the line and kills the other mercs. She returns the artefacts to her boss, placed by Victor Garber (aka Martin Stein from the Flash aka what’s his face from Big Game.)

He berates her for killing the two because she only recovered 1 of 4 shards and only those two have the knowledge to find the others (this plot point will bite them in the ass soon) but he says that might not be true.

We cut to Seattle Washington where we see Paxton, played by Robbie Amell (aka Ronnie Raymond also from the Flash) sailing a boat to a dated pop song. He ties it up and begins to take his horses into the stables and feed them. My sister would be so jealous. He hears a noise upstairs and comes up with a pitchfork. He finds his brother, Tripp, played by Keenan Tracy, he’s looking for spray cheese, or at that's at least his excuse. Who the f*ck keeps spray cheese in a stable?

Anyway, he’s run away from Boarding School, again, because of text supposedly sent by his brother. “Come to me, hugs and kisses” I don’t have to be a genius to tell you this isn’t from your brother, if it was I’d be very, very disturbed. Paxton thinks he sent the text himself and plans to take him back tomorrow. A big black Chevrolet arrives with agents from "Interpol" arrive. They tell the two that their parents are missing, and that they’re well known thieves they’ve been tracking. 

Immediately they ask about missing shards and if they’re truly Interpol why the f*ck would they care? Immediately I can tell they’re not real or at least corrupt. And at that point I wouldn’t believe a word they say. It’s not that ask about something that was stolen but they specifically asked about ‘shards’ – things that are unlikely to be held in museums and the like because they’re f*cking shards.

Paxton believes their bullsh*t because he clearly missed the obvious trigger. Tripp senses something may be amiss and checks their badges again. They realise he knows that they’re fake and draw guns. No wait, they draw crossbows… what am I supposed to say about that? Points to Tripp though for not being an idiot. I’m tempted to put a pound in the jar for Paxton but he had other reasons beyond what they said to believe their lies so I’ll let it slide for now.

We get a fight scene and the two prove some level of competence in a fight but Tripp is clearly outclassed and uses his gymnastic skills to get to higher ground. Paxton is backed up by a girl he claims to know, the guards get away when Paxton refuses to shoot them with the crossbow he picked up. The girl is named Dylan Savani played by Alexa Vega

Tripp tries to flirt briefly with Dylan, it doesn’t go anywhere. Tripp tries to clean up the mess because it makes him feel better. This doesn’t go anywhere. Apparently their parents were part of a group called the Hunters, who seek out “fairy-tale objects” with the intent to hide or destroy so no-one else can use them. Sounds like a decent premise for a TV show to me.

Paxton dismisses everything as insane because he’s a moron. Yes, I know this sounds far-fetched but 2 thugs just attacked you because of your parents’ profession, you need to have a theory of your own to explain what’s happening if you wish to dismiss another like that. 

They note that both Dylan and Paxton have identical broken watches, and Tripp remembers his creepy text message. He thinks it relates to a rug on Paxton’s wall, a pattern on it looks like Xs and Os, the way hugs and kisses are drawn in text messages.

They rip down the rug and find a secret doorway leading into the basement, there is a security panel which Tripp activates followed by a key code relating to the times on their watch. Does it matter if the code is 847113 or 113847? Because they couldn’t know they’d enter it in that order. Anyway, the door opens and we see the base of operations, apparently called The Hub. It was pre-programmed to recognise Tripp and Paxton’s voices but apparently not Dylan’s despite her being instrumental in them finding the place.

Paxton’s an asshole for a bit… we’re supposed to like him, right? And we see that Dylan is Paxton's b*tchy ex-girlfriend. I wish that trope would die, like now! If the girlfriend was so bitter, why would she even come back? Paxton still doesn’t believe the hunters, and now I’m sick of this, so sick of this I’m putting a pound in the jar.

Seriously, you’ve seen evidence, you are a moron if you still don’t believe it without some counter-theory. Anyway, Tripp suggests they visit Mason Fuller. Paxton doesn’t trust him for stupid reasons but he’s right because he’s the villain of the episode, I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. Dylan says she can take them to someone who can prove to him the Hunters exist once and for all. They exit through a completely different wall than they entered.

I suppose there could be two doors to the basement but that would be terrible for security. Apparently their parents set Paxton and Dylan up for a few dates, that's how Paxton met Dylan. They head out in the convertible that Paxton owns despite insurance probably being a nightmare. The two thugs are watching from their car, and with our villainess, her name is Mai, played by Kira Clavell. The movie may have told us that at some point but I can’t remember. The thugs say they should’ve forced the truth out of them but Mai thinks they don’t know anything and they may find out more now their curiosity is piqued.

The kids visit Doctor Kraymer, who uses a decoy to keep himself safe. He reiterates the story and Paxton still isn’t convinced, and I’m getting sick of making the same argument over and over again. If you don’t believe something in spite of evidence stacking up, you look like an idiot if you don’t have a viable alternative.

A bit of exposition I didn’t cover. Apparently the shards are 4 pieces of a mirror. An army called the Krugan found the mirror a thousand years ago, the leader used the mirror and that resulted in the Dark Ages. It grants the user his/her deepest desire. That sound's nice. What would I wish for…? The Last Airbender to not exist, Batman v. Superman to go f*ck itself (there’s gotta be a porno somewhere where that happens) Marvel to quit it with relaunches and massive crossovers, DC to stop rebooting their universe every 5 minutes, Jughead to be good and an end to stupid filtered artwork. But maybe I’m stretching here.

4 shards were taken from the mirror by the original Hunters and hidden across the globe. The mirror doesn’t work without them. Here’s a good idea, how about you don’t go and seek the shards? The bad guys have clearly shown they need you to find them and at this point you don’t know where they are. So how about you don’t go looking for the very thing the bad guys need you to find… They’re going to go out looking for them, aren’t they?

They were out seeking it in the knowledge that the Krugen had returned. And they know they already have the first shard. So Tripp wants to stop the Krugen, that’s a stupid plan. You don’t know who they are or how well they’re armed. Paxton wants to find his parents, that’s a smart plan. Dylan wants to recover the other shards.

I reiterate my previous statement, their attempts to gather information about the shards proves the bad guys know little if anything. Now should the bad guys break into to the house and interrogate Craymer about the shards, now it’s a different story. He hands the boys a shard and a green crystal, telling Tripp to listen for it. Oh look, one of the bad guys breaks into the house. Craymer rushes the kids out of the house, telling them to find the other 2 shards before the Krugen do. I once again re-iterate my previous statement and it’s quite obvious now he doesn’t know where they are so don’t look for them and they won’t find them. Hell, keep the one shard you have safe, defend that and then gaining the other 2 doesn’t matter.

We cut back to Thailand where it appears that Jordyn Flynn (their mother) is very much alive. That’s nice, back to the plot. Turns out that crystal thing is vibrating but only Tripp can hear it because he has a better hearing range. That crystal thing is pretty damn loud and these 2 are not that much older than him, they should still be able to hear it. Hearing loss with age is a thing, but these people are in their 20s, their hearing range is still pretty strong.

Because Tripp has a super-teched out phone (because of course he does) he manages to pinpoint the frequency of the vibration, apparently these are also map coordinates. No. Not buying it, bullsh*t! Proper map coordinates, global ones are based on a number of degrees east-west and north to south. A vibrational frequency is a number, the number of vibrations per second usually. It’s in the Rocky Mountains apparently.

Dylan and Paxton want to go there; thank god he’s come around but Tripp wants to save their parents. And yes, I’d side with him in this argument for the obvious reason. If the bad guys knew where the shards were, they’d retrieve them and you’d likely never find out about it. They clearly do not and by going to locations you are literally leading them there. God, I think my wallet is going to hate this pilot.

They call it a hard choice but it really, really isn’t. But Tripp concedes and books them on a flight to Denver. Jordyn finds Mason’s house and overhears him telling her mercs to get the shard the kids now possess. Again, if they just manage to protect that one shard, Mason can do jack sh*t. They don’t have to seek out the others. 

She confronts Mason and reminds him that he took an oath the same day she and her still missing husband Carter did. Find, protect but never use. Turns out Mason’s father sought out a cup that could heal but died of an injury because he refused to use it. Assuming healing is exactly what it does, nothing more or less, why couldn’t he break that rule? No-one else would have to know. He’s a human being not a robot, he is not programmed to follow that mantra to the letter on every occasion, he’s a just a moron.

Jordyn eats an apple offered to her from a person she called insane because she’s a moron. I think I’m going to go broke on this movie. And yes, the apple is drugged and Mason points out the snow white reference (calling it ironic, giving the impression that the writer isn’t entirely clear on the meaning of the word) he wants ultimate power to destroy the Hunters… Damn that motivation is stupid. Like I said, the mantra wasn’t to blame, your father was just an idiot. And so are you.

We cut to the Rocky Mountains where Dylan informs them that apparently different clans have different qualities within the Hunters, the Flynn’s quality is perseverance which is essentially the same as having heart in Captain Planet. Not that any of the qualities are especially useful. Suddenly Paxton is the one with the brain and calls bullcr*p but Tripp says that he’s not a believer in the power of family and just wants to get away.

OK, Tripp I’m calling you out here, not on that, because that’s kind of right but on the next bit. The only good path is the path of helping others, or more importantly dismissing the idea of sailing around the world as a bad idea. 

I am not a sporty person I’ll freely admit. I also have great respect for policemen, firefighters, doctors and nurses (or teachers) that all put their personal needs aside to providence assistance in any way they can. But inspiring people is just as helpful as helping people directly. Everyone has inspirations. 

I for instance am instance am inspired by Linkara, amongst others of his calibre, a few of whom I’ve also referenced. Sailing around the world, doing something that, in the context of the movie at the very least, is ‘awesome’ is also pretty inspiring, particularly to other sailors. So f*ck you and your pretentious ideology. 

They find a cliff and begin climbing it whilst Mai and generic henchmen 1 (does Mason only have 3 henchmen?) are watching from a distance. They want to recover the shard after they’ve found it… See, if they didn’t go out looking for them THEY’D NEVER BE FOUND! They find a cave and find the shard with minimal effort. Yay! 

Mason instructs Mai and generic henchman 1 to move in but not to harm them (she did so well with that order last time) he tells a captive Jordyn that he’s going to use her to threaten the boys to steal the final shards. I get it. They realise they have no real motivation for going after the shards so decide to force one in now. Maybe you should fix your plot-holes before you start filming.

Generic henchman 2 has joined them as they set out to accidentally kill the kids.

Do I have to explain myself here?

They try to hide under a bridge but that doesn’t work. They instead elect to roll down a muddy hill. Dylan falls on top of Paxton and because potatoes they have a romantic moment. Mai crashes the car into a tree, and I don’t think they were aiming for a ‘women can’t drive’ joke there but ended up with one anyway… Never mind, the next shot proves that was actually intentional.

With their options exhausted and knowing the Krugen can track them… Lady, the Krugen was an army. That is 3 people, one of whom has worse anger issues than I do. They decide to call in Mason and he was obviously expecting their call. Paxton gives their location and Mason arrives by sea plane to pick them up.

He acts dumb because of course he does and they still have the other shard and the mirror. Mason asks the smartest question in the entire movie. “And then what, hide them?” How many times is the same plot point going to bite them in the ass. By bringing the shards together you are literally doing the bad guy’s work for them.

He asks to see the other shards, something that should immediately ring alarm bells, and in fact does so with Dylan. But Paxton convinces her otherwise and they show him. Morons be morons I guess. After his reaction really, really should give him away as he instantly recognises them and says he can feel their power. He notices that the vase containing the shard they just collected has Greek letters on it written backwards. They head to his office which is also his plane hangar (go figure) and where their mother is being held. Why would you even take that risk? Better yet he goads her and tells her that they’re in the same building… I… I’ll put a coin in the jar if something happens here.

They use a mirror and translate the letters to mean Rhodopis, a tale of a Greek slave girl who married the King of Egypt. Her story is noticeably similar to Cinderella, in fact one of the earlier versions of the tale. A glass slipper is conveniently being held in a museum in Boston right now, heaven forbid anything be outside of America for them. Seriously, the parents found a shard in Thailand, how are all 3 of the others in the flipping United States.

Dylan continues to be the smartest person in the room. No-one’s seeing the very obvious signs, Tripp you were good with this earlier. Paxton, well, I’ve already put a coin in the jar for you, we already know you’re an idiot. But Mason convinces them with the idea of luxury travel to Boston. The museum is hosting a black tie event and naturally Mason gives them new suits so they can infiltrate. We’re getting a fashion montage folks.

So after that bit of filler, Mason says he’ll keep the shards on the jet, another move that should raise alarm bells. So they head into the museum in their new suits with Mason getting an invite from the curator thanks to the money he donated to the museum. Jordyn manages to escape her bonds (too late for another £1 in the jar but there’s always time, right) and easily finds the information they were looking for. Mason left information about the location of the shard out for no reason, I think that calls for another £1

Dylan finds the slipper and they head toward it. Meanwhile Jordyn confronts Mai, she made it Boston quick, I think. She’s stealing the shards and they have a fight scene where Mai triumphs. Tripp begins bypassing the alarm as Mason says even more things that give him away. This time Dylan calls him out on it and his response is to draw a crossbow on them. Seriously, you live in America, use a gun!

At crossbow-point, Tripp bypasses the alarm and Mason gives them an opportunity to join them. They refuse and steal the shoe from his grasp and it becomes a game of tag with Mason deciding to kill one of them to get it, he gets it and as he does, Tripp activates the alarm. I sure hope you have a photo or something else that was a really stupid move as the guards go after the children rather than respected businessman who is free to pick up his shard piece. They’re picked up by Jordan who immediately wonders why Tripp isn’t at school. So was it Mason who sent that text message, because if it wasn’t, that’s a stupid question.

Mason may have all 4 shards but he still needs the mirror. And Jordyn knows where it is. So you’re going to not seek it out so they can’t follow and steal it for their own, right? Of course not…

Oh wait never mind, turns out Mai knows exactly where the mirror is and she didn’t reveal this earlier because potatoes. They take a private plane to Ziegenhain in Germany, a way that means they aren’t checked over by the authorities. They meet up with an ally who’s one of the Hunters who hooks them up with another plane.

Paxton asks Jordyn about his father and assures her they were coming for them after collecting the shards. Jordyn in turn assures him that they did the right thing. NO! NO NO NO NO NO! If you had not gone after the shards, Mason would not have all 4 shards now. They discuss their childhoods and why they never knew and honestly it’s a good scene but it also exposes one of my biggest problems with the Hunters.

Why is being a Hunter tied to family tradition like it is, are they scared it’ll die out? Maybe, who knows but you’re not giving your children a choice, that is cruel. Jordyn was in the right not to force this life upon them. But honestly, let them know and give them a choice! Also, how the hell do they afford such a luxurious lifestyle? I can’t imagine this line of work is profitable.

Mason watches the fight and sees the wolf’s tomb, whilst promising to Mai that she can kill Jordyn. The kids plus Jordyn walk through a graveyard and find the wolf’s tomb, they reattach a tooth they’d recovered earlier. There’s some sort of combination to open the tomb and it’s inspired by Little Red Riding Hood because of course it is.

They open the tomb and enter it, finding the mirror. But Mason is right behind them. I mean literally right behind them, how they didn’t notice this is beyond me. Paxton asks if his offer to join him still stands. You know, his motivation to do this is week beyond recognition. He gives Mason the mirror but he double-crosses Paxton as the tomb begins to seal. You know a good booby trap wouldn’t seal that slowly. He grabs Dylan and leaves the others in the tomb.

Since the tomb was designed by the Hunters there is an exit but they have to deal with an army of venomous snakes. Lovely.

So, after breaking free of the tomb, they wonder if they can trust Paxton. He says he had a plan and it might still work, which is enough to convince Jordyn. Tripp not so much. Here’s a bright idea, dumbass, EXPLAIN YOUR PLAN! I could tell that was a ploy, mostly because of how pathetic the motivation was. But that doesn’t mean they couldn’t, because they’re all morons.

They find Mason’s castle, of course he has one of those and they enter a mine filled of very fake looking crystals. Tripp discovers a dead zone in the house, likely where the mirror is being kept. Dylan is being tortured by Mai for no reason. Paxton fights off the generic henchmen as Mason places the shards back in the mirror, once the pieces are in place, the mirror repairs itself. Paxton and Tripp confront him, claiming that Jordan didn’t survive. Paxton goads him, distracting him enough for Jordan to rescue Dylan.

Paxton uses the mirror, asking for ultimate power and all that, the mirror in turn turns him to stone. A beam of light comes out aiming at Paxton, he uses a shield Mason to reflect it at mai, blasting her back. He asked to be the most powerful of the Gorgos, as in Gorgons like Medusa and by looking into his own mirror he turned himself to stone. That was Paxton’s plan and it’s a good one, still don’t see why he couldn’t tell anyone about it though.

Paxton and Dylan kiss as Jordan begins to get tempted to use the mirror to bring back her husband, instead she uses it to make it destroy itself and somehow that’s interpreted as destroying the whole castle. They get out just in time. They sail to a pickup location where their father might be and find a distress call, he’s after another artefact in Peru. What did he just forget about this one? I get the feeling this scene was added just to close off, had this been a series, I doubt that would be the ending. And so they dock to another pop song. We cut to Hong Kong where a random woman says she’s heading to Peru as well, yeah this was definitely a TV series, even a movie wouldn’t be that direct with sequel-baiting. And roll credits.

So that was the Hunters and oh dear lord.

A lot of the biggest problems of the movie come directly from a single plot-hole. They are literally doing the bad guys work for them and are clued into that fact before they even start and it makes every decision they make fundamentally stupid. And the worst part is I think they had some good ideas here, they just needed to give the script a few more drafts to get it right.

It’s also paced like a TV show with fundamental elements brought up only to be dropped again and likely would’ve addressed later on in the series, like their status as an outlaw. It’s actually reasonably well acted.

Rage Rating -10% 

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Images/clips used in this review are from The Hunters, UHF, The Lion King and The Airzone Solution (AT4W/Phelous) review and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use