#71 - Jurassic World - Fallen Kingdom (Jurassic Parkathon)

Jurassic World was one of the better Jurassic Park films. It created a visual spectacle using up to date visual effects technology, and created a new tale of man vs Dinosaur in a way we hadn’t seen before. Is it highly flawed? Absolutely but it was a step in the right direction for the franchise, unfortunately it’s the wrong lessons that were learned from it, as we nosedive into the inferior sequel: Fallen Kingdom

Fallen Kingdom had only 2 of the original 4 writers of Jurassic World: Derek Connolly and Colin Trevorrow. Amanda Silver and Rick Jaffa are currently doing the writing for the live action Mulan movie, and Avatar 3. Good luck to them, I guess

Colin Trevorrow stood down from directing this time with duties instead coming to J A Boyena… He’s not massively experienced but he did A Monster Calls which I really, really like, so it’s a good choice in principle.

The movie made a mint at the box office, $1.3bn on a budget of less than $200m, but received a mixed response from both critics and audiences with 48 and 49% Rotten Tomatoes ratings respectively and average scores of 5.46/10 and 3.2/5. You can guess I’m firmly in the not liking it category, but here’s a rundown of the plot to explain my reasons why.

We open with a submarine heading through a gate onto the island. It contains two morsels the dinosaurs will be snacking on, as they find the remains of the Indominus Rex from the last movie. We’ll find out later, they have the genetic engineer who created it on staff, not to mention presumably DNA from the creatures it was made from, why do they need a DNA sample at all?

Also, what is the Indominus Rex doing in the sea? We have another dead guy doing some hot-wiring or something, he closes the gates and as the sub pilots attempt to escape the Mosasaurus comes up and eats the entire sub. You’d think the metal would be difficult to digest but more importantly, how did the Mosasaurus escape? It was in a tank in the last movie, did they just let it out into somewhere that has immediate access to the open ocean if someone’s stupid enough to press a button?

With no contact from the sub, the techy morsel decides to close the gates, and as of course it takes a stupidly long time for them to do so. There’s a rustling in the trees and the T-Rex also wants in on the fun because this idiot is unable to interpret basic hand gestures, he gets the screaming moment and has to make a run for it. He drops his tablet, which the T-Rex steps on, stopping the gate from closing. That’s a lacklustre security feature

The helicopter that was gonna pick him up takes off but throws him a ladder which he ultimately grabs. The T-rex could keep up with a jeep in the first movie, but can’t catch this idiot. The T-rex grabs the ladder, but it ultimately tears before the guys are forced to cut it off, unfortunately for the techy morsel, he’s then eaten by the Mosasaurus. This is honestly one of the better scenes in the movie for its atmosphere.

So, it’s been 3 years since the whole incident with the park (Jurassic World), and now the dinosaurs still on the Island have to contend with the eruption of a massive volcano, incidentally never mentioned in either of the previous films this island featured in. The question among most is should humans intervene or leave them to die.

Arguing in favour of letting the animals die and since his function in these movies is to be 100% right, it’s Jeff Goldblum’s Ian Malcolm. He was heavily featured in advertising, but is featured in about 3 minutes of the film, not interacting with the main cast in any way. It’s almost like they were last minute additions. The dialogue isn’t very good either.

Quick question, does animal protection account for natural disasters like Volcanoes? So, you remember Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard)? Corporate bitch who referred to dinosaurs as assets… she works lead organiser for a Save the Dinosaurs campaign. How? What? Why? Claire was the manager of the park, I imagine InGen, who are paying out millions in lawsuits, might hold her accountable, at least as a scapegoat, no?

Claire plays the “do you have kids?” card to a councilwoman on the phone… That’s hilarious given what her arc was in the first movie. Also, you don't have kids, Claire. Moving on, none of this scene matters as Congress has sided with Ian Malcolm because there is still sense in the world. This upsets Claire but she gets a conveniently timed phone call, inviting her to the house of NOT John Hammond aka Benjamin Lockwood (James Cromwell)

She arrives and we’re introduced to Iris (Geraldine Chaplin) the housekeeper and then Eli Mills (Rafe Spell) who gives awkward exposition like nobody can. OK, get this, Lockwood was Hammond’s partner then they had a falling out and that’s why he hasn’t been mentioned to this point. Yes, they’re seriously pulling this card, that’s desperate. And yes, I know I praised Uncharted 4 which basically had this exact twist but at least Nathan was there to react to everything, John Hammond isn’t so lucky (or maybe he is lucky, he isn't in this sh*t)

Anyway, there’s a new new Island for the dinosaurs where they can live in peace (what happened to Isla Sorna anyway?) Lockwood repeats Hammonds line from the second film, a line that meant so much his dying wish was to create the new Park anyway. See why these things might be contradictory? There’s a girl that Claire sees upstairs, she’ll be important later, regrettably.

We get more awkward exposition, the girl is in fact Lockwood’s granddaughter, his daughter was killed in a car accident. We never hear about the father because plot twist coming up later. They need Claire’s help to access the tracking software for the dinosaurs on the island. It’s been 3 years since the computers were used, there’s no telling if anything is even functional after the debacle in the last film.

They reckon they can save 11 species from extinction, but that Blue, the Raptor that survived the last film is a particular challenge to them. They know this because… They want Owen as well, since he trained Blue. He’s building a house with a hammer and nail because you gotta have fun somehow, I guess. Claire takes Owen to the pub and it’s revealed the two broke up between films. Yup, we’re doing the Ghostbusters 2 thing, where the couple split up just to get back together. How far into this film are we?

18:03

Oh f*ck, we’ve barely begun... OK, let’s summarise this bit… Owen refuses to come, showing a surprising amount of sanity, then views a video of him training Blue that convinces him to sacrifice all reason and come. Claire is joined by 2 resident dipsh*ts from the Save the Dinosaurs charity thing, we have Zia Rodriguez (Daniella Pineda) a paleo-veterinarian who has never seen a dinosaur before (yes, that is f*cking stupid) and Franklin Webb (Justice Smith) who is an IT Technician, so naturally can hack anything the plot demands he can, he’s also cowardly and annoying, what he’s even doing here I don’t know. Neither of these two get eaten by dinosaurs and this was apparently the response to a controversy about the death of Zara in the last film, missing the point of why it was controversial.

It was controversial because of it being needlessly cruel for a character like her. In this film, they have it so only the unlikable douchebags get killed. First off, that means that we have to cram the film full of them to meet the quota, and secondly, that makes things insanely predictable. We finally get an introduction to the kid, Maisie (Isabella Sernon) and I’ll give the actor credit, she’s really trying, pity it’s all for nought.

Her and Iris have a cute scene, the only thing that kinda bugs me is the ‘bath’ pronunciation joke. Is “Queen’s English” really a term used in America? After a scene that goes no-where, the gang arrive on the Island and find the latest in a long line of paramilitary assholes waiting for them. Ken Wheatley (Ted Levine) is the worst of all of them and I’ll explain why later on.

They head out with some unfunny comic relief provided by the two dipsh*ts as a convoy of trucks head out into the remains of the park. We see the Brachiosaurus, because of course we do, in our first and last fun moment with the dinosaurs. Franklin hacks his way in, and Claire brings the power back on, and the quickly have Blue located. Zia decides to join the hunt because she’s perfect kidnap bait as Franklin and Claire stay behind.

Wait, the Pterosaurs have been flying free… That’s f*cking stupid, and it has been since the second movie. Owen finds Blue and calms her down, like an idiot Ken orders the shots taken too early and one of his men gets attacked, he’s armed with live ammo for some reason and shoots Blue, despite Ken telling him not to, as Blue is right on top of him.

Own charges him but gets hit by a tranquiliser dart, supposed to be enough to knock out a dinosaur, so it probably should’ve killed him. They capture Zia so she can fix up Blue, leave Owen to die and just be extra dickish, they somehow lock the doors to the control room Claire and Franklin are in. They are doing this because… Nefarious evil scheme, that apparently didn’t take them very long either, the tracking software had only just come online.

The Volcano erupts and Ken calls his boss wanting his money because he’s that kind of idiot. Owen wakes up thanks to... a dinosaur licking him awake. Yes, I did indeed say that, I feel actively dumber for doing so but… With the lava that close to him, he’s dead, he even touches it at one point. I don’t know how that even happens, the lava is CG, they had to digitally add the lava’s reaction. I don’t know if the CG artist was just trolling. Owen regains uses of his legs and runs like hell

Thanks to hacking skills, Franklin gets a door open but of course there’s a dinosaur on the other side and it gets in. Franklin has a close call but they manage to escape through a hatch in the roof that’s there for some reason. But they’re not out of danger as the volcano continue it’s rampage of death. Owen catches up, somehow outrunning lava, telling them to run as the dinosaurs stampede away from the Volcano. 

They find a random sphere-ride thing which provides adequate cover duirng the stampede. Claire and Franklin get in but there’s only 2 seats and one angry dinosaur outside. The ball gets set in motion with Owen stuck outside. The T-rex saves them for some reason, but of course they need to run from the volcanic ash cloud.

They fall off the cliff as Owen is consumed by the cloud, yet somehow survives and manages to get them out of the ball before they drown. They swim to a part of the island not covered in ash, this is the quickest yet slowest volcanic eruption. They see a dinosaur being taken to a boat as Ken decides to stop an important transport to grab a tooth because he’s that kind of stupid. You could easily have done this on the boat.

Needing a way off the Island, they hijack the one convenient truck they left behind and drive it so it lands on the boat that’s already taking off… and nobody seems to notice. Claire can’t be difficult to recognise either. I guess she’s wearing a hat, that explains everything. We see the Brachiosaurus die, consumed by smoke and ash… And so the only non-killer dinosaur is killed off, how they’re gonna make us feel sorry for the rest of them I have no idea.

Eli gets a visit from Gunvar Erosol (Toby Jones) and it’s revealed that they plan to sell the dinosaurs for profit, but really that’s just a means of financing new operations. Maisie is watching and follows them. And we’re back to weaponizing dinosaurs, the stupid as hell conflict from the last movie. Except this time they’re gonna make it even dumber… we’ll get to it.

They plan to combine the DNA of the Indominus Rex, and combine it with the DNA of Blue to create a new dinosaur they call the Indo-Raptor, because they’re not good with creative names in this show. And again, we’ve got this stupid idea that following orders is a genetic trait. Owen imprinted on the Raptors from birth, he became their alpha, that’s why they listen, there’s nothing in Blue’s genetics that’s useful. Also, the Indominus was already part Raptor, in case my point wasn’t clear.

Maisie goes to her grandfather with this information but he dismissed it, saying she must’ve misheard. On the boat, Claire, Owen and Franklin sneak their way to the tent containing Blue. He needs a blood transfusion, and the only possible donor is the T-Rex because of course it is. Also, wasn’t the T-Rex on the Island, or were there more than one? Not to spoil anything but Owen and Claire successfully get the blood.

Maisie manages to use the pass-code to get in. Isn’t it supposed to be night time? Because there is blatant daylight coming through those windows. She sees the giant base under the house, filled with sciency things, incubated eggs and a video conveniently left on of Blue being trained by Owen, demonstrating how Blue in particular demonstrated levels of compassion the other raptors didn’t. 

OK, but that doesn’t prove it's genetic, in fact it probably disproves it. Hey Franklin, when did you find time to clean your face?

Henry Wu comes in and apparently the plan is for them to use Blue as the mother for the Indo-Raptor… Again, this makes very little sense. And more about using the genetics so they’d recognise her as the mother and assume her traits… No, that’s not how that works. You do inherit traits for your parents but experience trumps genetics every time.

Maisie was watching and bumps into a dinosaur they already have, somehow. Eli locks her in her room, telling Iris to keep her so before going to see Ben. The boat arrives at the dock and you’d think a boat that size might attract something resembling legal attention but no such luck. Franklin gets caught and dragged off on some mission that involves leaving the ship, which does semi-reluctantly. Owen and Claire board a truck and they begin to drive out

One of the guards outside shows some semblance of sense and seems to notice them. The dinosaurs are loaded into cages as Ben confronts Eli about what has happened and tells him to pick up the phone on the convenient smothering pillow and call the police. Who keeps a phone on a pillow? Anyway, Eli decides to smother him with the pillow instead. Owen and Claire try to ditch and call for backup, but they’re soon captured

For some reason they’re not killed immediately and I really mean for some reason. Eli even says as far as everyone else knows they died on the island. So naturally they leave them alone without doing anything. Maisie manages to escape her room but ultimately she can’t exit through the door without being seen, she sees a fleet of vehicles arriving at the mansion, all there for the bidding on the dinosaurs. Maisie shimmies along the wall, showcasing the set of the climax before heading into Ben’s room and finding that he’s dead.

She takes his journal and arrives in the dumb waiter as Eli arrives to formally announce Ben dead, he calls Iris to fire her, so she can’t be this movie’s Zara. Maisie sees a picture of her mother as a child and sees how similar they look, eerily similar. Don’t worry, we’ll get to that. Maisie heads down in the dumb waiter and is out of sight before Eli notices her.

Thanks to some cartoon logic, Owen and Claire manage to escape as we cut to the auction, where the numbers seem to be exceeding all expectations. I’ll give them this, the effects look better but that might just be down to the much darker colour palate this movie has, hiding the less-good effects. Owen and Claire meet Maisie, who’s terrified for her life and rightfully so.

OK, so we finally get a good look at the Indo-Raptor and eh, it’s another big Raptor. It’s designed to target people you can point a laser at... If you can point a laser at someone, you can probably kill them without needing a ludicrously expensive dinosaur. They begin bidding massively on it. Dr Wu confronts Eli, concerned that buyers might attempt to copy his work, guess that’s happening in the sequel then.

Realising they can’t let the Indo-Raptor escape, Owen tricks the dinosaur that freed them earlier to head up in the elevator and start taking out the guards. Owen also begins fighting the guards because they consider him the greater threat for some reason. The crowd all evacuate as the dinosaur retreats into the woods.

Ken comes in, muttering about his bonus again and decides to be an idiot and go and get a tooth for his collection. But the Indo-Raptor doesn’t stay unconscious for long and wakes up, killing Ken and putting him out of all of our misery. He then munches on Gunnar for good measure. We next get the revelation that Maisie is in fact a clone of his dead daughter and it’s this act that drove Hammond and Lockwood apart

This must’ve happened before the 1^st Jurassic Park movie, I’d figure Maisie would be a few years older if that were the case. She doesn’t look 14 is what I’m saying, at least by movie standards. Why is there is a subplot about her being a clone? What is this ultimately in aid of, wait till the end, you’re gonna love this one.

The scientists are busy packing up everything, and we’re reminded that Franklin and Zia are still in the movie. They’ve been absent for the last 40 minutes or so. Franklin is tasked with getting blood from the raptor but Zia tells him that because she did the blood transfusion, it’s useless to him. If only he had the tech to create another raptor… wait?

Franklin, in his one useful act in the entire movie injects him unconscious and rescues Zia. 2 guards decide to confront him, dragging away Henry Wu’s body for the next sequel. They unleash Blue to stop him, another guard shoots at a gas tank which just after explodes, with Blue getting away just in time. The explosion has damaged a second tank, releasing a toxic gas through the lab.

Back to Owen, they’re back in the main hall, and so is the Indo-Raptor. This thing has a highly advanced sense of smell, so naturally they manage to hide just barely out of sight. They’re force upstairs and have to hide again, just behind a closed door and again, the Indo-Raptor can’t smell them. Owen finds a circuit board which cuts power to the facility for some reason.

Back with Franklin and Zia, very briefly we find out the gas will kill all the dinosaurs, the ventilation system is offline so Franklin has to reboot the entire system, this somehow overrides the circuit breaker that Owen pulled earlier, and that’s f*cking stupid what’s worse is that the Indo-Raptor is able to see them now, and not smell them a moment ago. Owen and Claire are pinned down and Claire injured by the Indo-Raptor decides to ignore them for some reason when Maisie makes a run for it. Trapped banquet or running appetiser? There really was no option but to give chase.

Maisie runs into the dumb waiter, for some reason waiting until the Indo-Raptor was right up close to close the door and start bringing it up. Owen patches Claire up and she tells Owen to go after Maisie, he grabs a gun and does so. Maisie decides to hide under her blankets… I’m sorry, this must be a joke, I’m just gonna rewind 5 seconds.

No, you’re not serious? How old is she? She must be smarter than this, surely? Shockingly it doesn’t work as the Indo-Raptor has somehow climbed onto the roof. It can find her from the roof, but somehow couldn’t find her hiding behind a statue earlier, just saying. It opens the door and she stays clinging to the sheets rather than running for dear life because…

The dinosaur approaches her slowly because it’s clearly not hungry and just enjoying it at this point. But that lack of speed allows Owen to come in with his gun and fire several bullets into the dinosaur, somehow not killing him. Rather than running through an open door, Owen clings to the wall and is only saved because Blue intervenes and fights.

Once again, ignoring the open door to safety, they take the dangerous route across the windows, as set up earlier. They get onto the glass roof above the main hall and the glass begins to break under the weight of the Indo-Raptor. Claire makes it there with an injured leg because why not at this point and for some reason doesn’t just shoot it, instead pointing a laser at Owen and setting a trap. With a little more help from Blue, the Indo-Raptor falls onto checkov’s dino-skeleton and is impaled. Lovely…

OK, main dinosaur threat is dealt with, now for the stupid human stuff. Oh hey, Franklin and Zia turn up, they had no involvement in the Indo-Raptor plot-line whatsoever, these characters were so necessary. They bring the others down to see the gassing of the dinosaurs because we need to have this stupid ending somehow. The only way to save the dinosaurs is to press a big cartoony red button to open the pen to the outside world.

Claire and Owen debate, but ultimately come to the conclusion that their release is not worth the countless lives they would ultimately destroy. A smart and wise decision, thank god you brought the idiot 12 year-old along to release the dinosaurs anyway. Also, a brilliant design choice to have no button to close the f*cking doors. What’s her rationale?

“They’re alive, like me”

The delivery of that line is hilarious. I think everyone knew this line was ridiculously dumb but from every man, woman and child who is about to be killed, I offer my sincerest f*ck yous! This is seriously the payoff to her being a clone? What a waste!

So, the dinosaurs are released, the T-Rex finishes off Eli, and we get a kinda emotional goodbye to Blue. We get clips of the dinosaurs in the world that were in the trailers to fool the audience into thinking this would be a different movie and we get the second half of our Jeff Goldblum cameo.

Argh, this movie is dreadful!

It’s not a bad looking film from an effects standpoint, I’ll give it that but that’s partly because there is very little colour to this film. It all felt very dark, and not in a good way. You can see there are more models used in addition to the CG, the dinosaurs don’t look as fake as Jurassic World but in contrast, because of all the dark imagery and lack of colour, I think I liked the visuals of Jurassic World more. The Park looked outstanding in the last film, the house is boring in comparison.

The plot is among the worst Jurassic Park has offered. Claire and Owen’s characters have completely been morphed and they could’ve easily been different people this time around with only a few minor details changed, would save the stupid rehashed romance subplot. Dinosaurs being used for the military was a stupid idea in Jurassic World and it’s a stupid idea in this movie, especially the indo-raptor and the way its kills are implemented.

The marketing actively mislead the audience, highlighting the dinosaurs in the real world and Jeff Goldblum, which was basically all there to set up the next film. Did that Mososaurus swim all the way to the US? There are other meal tickets en-route you could’ve stopped at.

The human villains are all one-note and boring, none of them bringing anything new or potentially interesting to the table and they make sure you hate them because heaven forbid someone who isn’t a complete asshole gets eaten by a dinosaur in this film. Henry Wu seemed to survive and might be in the next one but please just eat him already, we know it’s coming now.

Franklin and Zia are relatively pointless, disappearing for a long stretch during the second act and they were not missed. Franklin was particularly annoying and especially pointless, I’m glad Justice Smith is getting a more dignified role in Detective Pikachu. The ret-cons involving Lockwood feel forced to say the least, but then the whole plot with Maisie being a clone is handled badly, with her entire existence leading the moment of her doing the most immoral thing anyone has done in the entire movie. The actor does a decent job, but the character spends most of the movie quivering and crying and her only role is to make everything worse, forever.

Rating 300%