Praise4Media #55 - Speed Racer

What can I say, we’re back to the Wachowskis and this one is weird…

Speed Racer began as an animated Japanese series called Mach GoGoGo, it’s from the late 60s, when animation budgets were basically non-existent and you can tell, the animation is cheaply done, shots are reused verbatim and dialogue often takes place on a rolling background to give a sense of movement without actually needing to animate the background beyond a few frames.

The show followed the racing adventures of Gô Mifune, they needed a simpler name for the character in the US, so for reasons I’m still scratching my head on, they decided to call him, and the show Speed Racer. I’ve got all the jokes for that, but I’ll save it for the actual review.

Speed Racer (the show) was weird, it had cheap animation as previously mentioned but the season finale had him driving vehicles like planes, submarines and, most unbelievably of all, row-boats. I swear the villains only lost because they were stopping every 5 minutes to set up traps. The show lasted 52 episodes, a respectable run.

What’s weirder is that to tie in with this movie, I think, they created an animated show called Speed Racer: The Next Generation, starring the son of Speed Racer who, for reasons I cannot fathom for the life of me, is also called Speed Racer. This was released in 2008! I’ll say the animation’s better, but that’s practically a given but the show is still weird, I think this one had races that ventured into space.

But to the movie, several major actors including Johnny Depp and Vince Vaughn were attached to the project, but it wasn’t until the hiring of the Wachowskis that this film really made it off the ground. 

Now, this is based on animation from the 1960s, they must’ve known this was a niche project, so why a $120m budget? It was never going to make that money back and it didn’t, it made only $96m at the box office, making it a box office bomb, and floundered with critics, with a 40% Rotten Tomatoes Rating.

So, why am I inspecting it with my new Praise4Media monacle? Well, strap yourselves in, because this is going to be a very bumpy ride.

We open with the kind of visuals you’re gonna come to expect in this movie, a kaleidoscope of bright colours with almost nothing to counterbalance it. We’re introduced to our protagonist, Speed Racer, stop laughing, is struggling with his school work, personally I’d say potential learning disability but the mother is called to the head teacher’s office because “the only thing he cares about is automobile racing.” Now, before I address the obvious, why is this office painted red and lime green, why is mothers’s t-shirt yellow. My eyes need to rest from all these bright colours. But to the obvious point, what they expect to happen when they name a kid Speed Racer? It very much limits his career options.

Turns out that test he was doing at the beginning, one of those where you cross through a letter of the correct answer, he made it say ‘Go Rex Go.’ Rex being his older brother and the driver of the family. My god is that classroom an eyesore. Yellow walls, green painted desks. Other colours exist beyond yellow and bright green. He begins imagining himself behind the wheel whilst looking like an idiot to everyone else.

The school bell rings and Speed Racer rushes out

“Speed Racer, slow down”

That can’t be unintentional irony, can it? He steps out his gharish looking school to… an episode of Paw Patrol? My god is that CGI bad, $129m at work here folks. I don’t even know why it’s necessary, sure the car designs are abnormal, but that’s not necessary either, as the ones that need to look unusual are the race cars. Rex has come to pick him up, despite us seeing his mother there 5 minutes earlier and we continue to see this cartoony as hell looking background. One thing about Rex though, he wears black, just I was giving up hope that dark colours existed in this movie.

Speed Racer wants Rex to take him to the race track because where else would he want to be, his name is f*cking Speed Racer. Good job he’s wearing the socks, I guess. Cut to the future where the Future Speed Racer is looking at a photo of his brother and sets off on the hot-wheels track. You know, you’re doing something wrong if you make the original Speed Racer look grounded. We see Rex giving young Speed a driving lesson, telling him to close his eyes and listen to the car, he makes a jump and we cut back to the future, where the dark night sky draws attention to how fake the track looks.

We get a montage of commentators in various languages, but they can’t even have that without weird edits that make me feel dizzy. You’re gonna have to bear with me, there’s a lot to get through before I can explain why I like this film. His car has the ability to make jumps, which makes one of his competitors’ cars fill up will green bubbles and turns into a giant green bubble… what the…

So despite some dangerous under-steer, he’s running close to Rex’s time, we transition to Rex briefly and… Back to Speed, and we see commentators coming across the screen like they’re eating the background. This is such an odd editing choice, I kinda love it. We see that watching are Speed’s dad, his younger brother and a monkey, also a girlfriend. Yes, they’ll be important later…

Cut back to Speed’s childhood because linear storytelling is for people with eyes, and this movie generally isn’t… Did they up the contrast on a real park or is that CGI too? God it looks hideous. A particular girl is spouting out rumours about Speed and his family, the girlfriend punches them and Speed happens to notice, riding around in his race-car trike, and gets lovey dovey pretty quickly, he crashes through a rose bush and somehow doesn’t get any thorns in him and we find out the girl’s name is Trixie.

He brings her back to their brightly coloured garage and finds a mysterious man had left them a package, Rex works out quickly that it’s a bomb and sends it out of the house in Speed’s toy. It’s a pretty pathetic explosion, not sure how well it would’ve actually stopped them but… Rex later leaves in the dead of night, Speed asks to come with him but is turned down, Rex gives him the keys to his race-car, the Mach 5.

It seems since leaving, Rex had been using dirty tactics to win races, and he was put on trial for something. And we see Speed getting into a fight with a bully who decides to provoke him saying Rex belongs in jail. It’s not entirely clear what he’s done, the version of racing doesn’t seem to have many rules, we’ve seen people try to kill Speed and get turned into jelly for it or something. We find out that Rex crashed and supposedly didn’t survive the burning wreck.

I think we’re done with the flashbacks. So we’re in the present with Speed racing against the ghost of his brother, he deliberately takes his foot off the accelerator near the end so he wouldn’t beat his brother’s record time.

Meanwhile 2 shadowy figures are observing the race. We’ll find out about them later.

Cut to an animated show the looks like it had an even lower budget than the original Speed Racer, it’s being watched on the windscreen shaped TV of the racer household. Because of course their TV would be shaped like that, screw the dimensions of every programme ever made. We see a fair bit of it, including Speed’s brother and the monkey trying to re-enact it until the mother interrupts. To be fair, the joke is pretty good.

The kid’s name is apparently Spritle, and his monkey is called Chim Chim. Moving on, we’re then greeted to the strangely Australian accent of Sparky. But just as the family are about to eat, the ground begins to shake because an aeroplane is landing just outside. So, so many questions…

We’re introduced to E.P. Arnold Royalton he wears a suit but just like everything in this film, it’s bright and ugly and blurs together. He’s obviously the antagonist for the film. He provides each of the Racer parents a gift and joins them for breakfast. And butters Mom Racer up, yes her actual name is Mom Racer, stop laughing, with complements about her cooking.

Of course he’s here to offer Speed Racer a sponsorship for his team, giving him access to resources he would otherwise not have in exchange for bearing his brand, Royalton International, on their cars. He takes Speed to see and… what the f*ck is this?

 

Far as I could tell, Speed Racer takes in a reasonably grounded version of reality, probably because that’s all they had the budget for but this neon-city-tropolis is so far from the original idea it’s downright laughable. Also, the CGI continues to look like garbage, it’s clear the money was all spent on the races, which look passable. Spritle and Chim Chim are enthralled when a flight attendant offers them unlimited sweets.

They land at Royalton industries which is every shade of purple. Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory is looking at you and telling you to tone it down. Apparently with the top spec production line, they can make a car in 36 hours. They have state of the art fitness machines that in no way look like absolute torture and with this scene I wish I could show you just how mad this looks, it’s so weird. They also see an elaborate party that is going on right now for some reason and we’re introduced to Jack ‘Cannonball’ Taylor, another racer who no doubt we’ll see more of later.

We’re taken what would be Speed’s new apartment, complete with fake looking CGI swimming pool, and he’s given a purple suit because heaven forbid our eyes get a glimpse of white in this sea of bright colours. Pops racer feels more intimidated than impressed. I love Pops Racer, it’s another John Goodman performance I can’t get enough of. Pops says he thinks that people like Royalton have the money to think they’re above the rules but he’s willing to go along with whatever Speed decides. 

Speed returns to fray, now blending into the background with his new suit, which Royalton decides to give him. He wants an answer, despite Speed wanting thinking time but when Speed is looking likely to say no, he concedes to allowing that thinking time.

Cut to… man being beaten by gangsters, holy tonal whiplash Batman! And just like every gangster, this guy’s base has bright green walls. The production design for this film is dreadful, are these the same people who did that awful Cat in the Hat film? The man in question is Taejo, shockingly he’s not a character from the series. They’re about to feed his hand to some piranhas but an alarm goes off as the phone is ringing.

It’s a driver warning that their van is being tailed. Working out who it is, the gangsters inside decide to arm up. And we find out here that the base is inside the truck. They all begin firing as the mob leader arms some missiles, thanks to some impressive shooting, the truck is damaged and can’t take another hit, so they throw Taejo out for this driver to pick up.

The driver in Question, Racer X, the masked Racer, identity unknown, *cough*Rex*cough*. He asks for Taejo’s help fighting the cartel but when he refuses, he dumps him at the side of the road, and gives him a card for Inspector Detector. These names aren’t subtle are they?

We’re proud to introduce, the newly qualified Dentist Speed Racer

We’re happy to introduce, the latest member of our Ballet Cruncher Block

We’re proud to introduce, the latest pop sensation, Mr Detector! OK, this one’s not so bad, but you get my point.

Speed and Trixie have a heart to heart and outlines the biggest problem with the movie, outside the generally awful aesthetic, Speed is amazingly bland. I’ll say that’s probably true of the cartoon as well, at least what I’ve seen of it, but it matters here because they’re trying to make things more personal and character driven.

And we find that Spritle and Chim Chim have snuck out with them in the trunk. We cut to Royalton making a deal with a guy named Mr Musha, he wants a company named Togokahn, and is willing to trade his transponder factory for it at the price Royalton offers him, I’m sure your kids are following this just fine, this would make Royalton the only producers of Transponders. I’m pretty sure some competition laws are going to show up in your future.

Speed shows up for his meeting with Royalton, and Spritle and Chim Chim have snuck aboard again, looking for the sweet supply. So before Speed gives his answer, the background starts spinning as he rattles on about his past. Please stop spinning the goddamn camera, this isn’t necessary and it’s actually making me dizzy. So, shocking to all of you, I know, Speed says no to the offer, comparing major sponsors to the devil, argh, this conflict is so f*cking stupid. I know this guy is obviously evil, and we’ll get a glimpse of that soon, but sponsorship to a race team is kinda important, in that it provides the money you need to work.

Royalton laughs it off, and tells Speed he’s to give him a lesson, and at the end, if he’s smart he’ll sign the contract. Meanwhile, Spritle and Chim have eaten their fill of sweets, and then some as they hear a vehicle approaching, a security guard reports what he thinks is mice as Spritle and Chim Chim sneak off the plane. Royalton gives his bad guy speech, yeah that’s seriously what he’s going about a racer who essentially lost on purpose to devalue a company so that someone could buy it out. 

Spritle and Chim Chim give audiences a headache with the speed they’re driving and the awful CG, and notice that certain cars are being given spear hooks, I think that’s not allowed. We cut to another race and once again it looks like a video game cutscene rather than an actual live action movie. This track has the loop the loops for god’s sake. Anyway, thanks to some dirty tactics, Speed’s car is destroyed. How he isn’t along with it is anyone’s guess.

After that, Pops gets handed a big fat lawsuit in a subplot that goes absolutely nowhere. The idea is to discredit his company and lose him any contracts he has, whatever those were. This makes Speed doubt his decision, which Mom consoles him over, we do get some context behind the red socks thing from earlier, that he survived a quite terrible crash and Rex said it was because he was wearing those socks.

It’s around this time that Inspector Detector and Racer X approach, wanting to recruit Speed to help expose Royalton. They’ve partnered up with Taejo Togokahn, he was the guy Crusher Block tortured earlier. He apparently has a file with the information they need, but are only willing to give they stop the takeover of his family’s company, and to do so they need to win the race.

It would require Speed to do a cross-country rally Casa Cristo, the rally that Rex ‘died’ at. I can’t imagine it’s much more dangerous than the loops he had to do on the circuit track. Pops immediately refuses on Speed’s behalf. Time now to talk about Emilie Hirsch’s performance as Speed Racer. It’s surprisingly subdued but it also puts barriers on us connecting with him. In the scene where he talks to Trixie about going against his father’s wishes, he’s supposed to be conflicted but it’s just the same voice he’s been using the entire time, so it’s hard to tell. It’s hard to place the blame solely at the actor’s feet, but this is not a great performance.

And the same problem comes when he tells the Inspector Detector that he’s doing this to hurt the people who hurt his family. He should sound angrier than this. Because people play dirty on this tracks, the Mach 5 has been upgraded with a few new tricks. The cockpit shield is bulletproof, there are shields to protect the tyres and emergency spares that can be inflated instantly if a tyre blows. It also has saw blades to deal with off-road hazards, spikes for extra grip and a drone (which is never actually used) These are all definitely legal modifications.

Taejo is also on the track, saying he’s gonna die to up the buyout price or something. Cruncher Block tells his racer to take out Taejo and somehow this will make Racer X and Speed Racer quit. Also, those scenes with the Queen and the sun rise is so bright red my eyes legitimately hurt. OK, the race looks like from a PS2 game, and not even a good one, really. And I’m glad every time I look at Racer X or somewhere not on the race track so my eyes can rest from the bright colours. We also see bribes changing hands, including a bunch of Neanderthals getting fur. WHAT THE…?

I’m gonna skimp out on covering the details of the race in any detail because my eyes can only take so much of these bright colours. Suffice it say there’s a lot of spinning, jumping, explosions and every one of the new gadgets gets a use (except the drone), with the tyre shield and an opponents tyre shredding having a sword fight. Also, bee hive catapult

A driver called Broom Hilda gets hit, and I’m sure will be working on her Nicholas Cage impression. Back at the Racer house, Pops is heading out, giving Spritle and Chim Chim a chance to look in on the race, and for them to find out that Speed is in the race. Pops hadn’t quite left yet and catches them in the act, also finding out about Speed.

They take a rest stop where Taejo vents his frustrations. Speed had stopped his suicide stunt earlier and they’re in a mediocre position, despite the number of teams having been whittled down to 8. And please, more neutral colours with the backdrops, it’s bad enough when it’s CG, but you’re using a set here, why decorate it in garish red. Racer X warns that they made an impression and people may try to kill them tonight.

Speed felt a connection during the race, like him and Racer X knew each other’s moves. He thinks he might be his brother. But first he has to face his family, who have arrived in record f*cking time. But I can forgive that oversight because *gasp*, can it be? Speed actually has an emotional reaction in this scene.

HALLELUJAH!

Mom Racer settles things down between Speed and Pops and then Pops goes off with Sparky to fix some issues with the Mach 5 that came as a result of the new additions. Meanwhile ninja assassins arrive to kill them. This was a film about racing, right? And we’ve gone from so bright my eyes hurt to so dark I can barely see, and I still feel like that’s an improvement. They drip a weird poison into Taejo’s mouth whilst Racer X gets the drop on his attacker. It’s actually a pretty decent looking fight scene, what I can see of it anyway.

With Speed, the ninja gets defeated when Spritle falls out of bed and wakes up, screams and alerts Speed. This ninja first loses his dignity, and then Pops shows up with his pro-wrestling experience? And I’m pretty sure that’s a trip to the hospital, if he survived the fall at all. Did I mention that John Goodman as Pops is my favourite part of this movie, because he is.

Unfortunately of course, Taejo was hit, and apparently death is not the preferred option of these ninjas who prefer to use a drug that temporarily debilitates you. So, the new racer of choice is of course, Trixie? Her and Speed argue a fair bit and they fall behind, whilst Racer X gets them back under control and they take the lead briefly. Thanks to some shenanigans they’ve managed to capture Cruncher but some of his men ambush them in a camera black spot. Naturally Spritle and Chim Chim have hidden in the trunk and burst out just in time to rescue the family and another action scene ensues. Does everyone have martial arts training in this film? Well everyone except Sparky who’s kinda useless and Spritle and Chim Chim because kid and monkey.

The funny thing is, the fight choreography might be the one of the stronger elements here, the weird editing sometimes makes things a bit difficult but it’s not like Catwoman where it’s impossible to follow. Unfortunately, this distraction has allowed the other teams to retake the lead. The final obstacle between them and the finish is the ice caves, where Rex had his ‘fatal’ collision. And is if to make up for the fact that the last 5 minutes made me not want to gouge my eyes out, this cave reflects light all over in a blinding mess of colour. Thanks to an oil slick, Speed slips off the cliff as the exit the cave. He manages to save himself using the tyre grips and a well timed jump so he’s facing upwards. I’ll buy this… just about. Speed takes the lead, so the guy gets out a gun, time to put that bulletproof cockpit to use, although given the cracks each bullet made, not that bulletproof.

Anyway, the guys falls off a cliff and his car explodes. So, with all the other racers out, Speed and his team take victory but before you celebrate, remember there’s still 40 minutes of movie left. So, the stocks on Togokahn rise. The thing is though, they still sell out to Royalton, just now at a much more expensive price. This entire deal was a stunt, and they never had information on Royalton.

This causes Speed his frustrations out on the track. Racer X joins him for a while, and Speed confronts him with his theory. Racer X takes off his mask and his face isn’t one Speed recognises. Of course it’s been a few years, would he even be recognisable at this point? Anyway, after a speech about things I’m sure you have better things to do with your life than to care about, Speed plans to leave and clear his head for a while.

And at this point, Pops gives a small speech, apologising for his brashness, which might’ve had more weight if there was any consequence to it, but it’s still John Goodman delivering the best performance of the movie so I’ll take what I can get. Before Speed leaves Horuko (Taejo's sister) arrives, giving Speed the invitation to the Grand Prix that Taejo had rejected. Apparently it doesn’t matter what team you serve as long as you present the invitation on race day. They don’t have a car, despite the fact Speed was driving one when he met with Racer X just a scene ago, but let’s overlook that little blunder.

Pops says he and sparky are gonna build a car in 32 hours, just in time for the race.

  

After some commotion, Speed is allowed to compete, but Royalton isn’t taking this lying down, putting a million dollar bounty on Speed’s head and installing a spear-hook on his latest model, the GRX. Speed and Sparky hug because reasons as the race is about to begin. More weird editing later and the race begins. It’s another eye-sore with neon lights but I’ll say less, it looks better than some of the others, actually using some darker colours to counterbalance the brightness of the neon.

It comes down to Speed and Royalton’s driver, Jack ‘Cannnonball’ Taylor and yes, we just heard the word sh*t in a PG film. He uses the spear-hook, which ties the two together. Speed notices all the cameras and deliberately jumps so the camera can see it. I think the bubble thing is supposed to protect the driver in event of a crash, like it does with Taylor here, but it still looks really silly.

Unfortunately the incident hasn’t helped Speed, his car won’t start. Luckily Speed takes the advice of his brother and listens to the car, activating the jumpstart mechanism Pop had installed into it without telling anyone about. In a blur of even more blinding colours, Speed gains back a lot of his lost ground, retaking the lead on what appears to be a second lap. He crosses the finish line, finally but don’t think this movie will stop trying to give you seizures as we see the flashes of every photographer ever.

Back with Racer X, we get the reveal, that he is indeed Rex Racer, he faked his death, got plastic surgery and became Racer X. He declines any invite to reconcile with his family, saying it’s a cross he has to bear, alone. It’s a big celebration for the Racer family, including Speed keeping his promise and publicly kissing Trixie, pity about the cooties joke.

So, newspaper articles wrap up the story. Royalton is arrested, and Taejo agrees to testify against him, Royalton ends up in jail. Funny how this movie has so much crazy sh*t and yet this is most unrealistic thing in it.

So that was Speed Racer and I still don’t know what to make of this movie

It has fairly obvious glaring weak points. The first half is dreadfully boring, the visuals are unpleasant at best and downright blinding at worst and the acting is fairly weak, Speed and Pops are the only characters with major story development, with Sparky in particular overlooked, despite being Speed’s co-driver in the original series.

But… I can’t say there aren’t moments of enjoyment to be had. John Goodman’s performance trumps everyone else’s. I kinda like the dynamic they had with Racer X, even if he doesn’t have much of a role in the climax, and the action scenes are better than I’d expect for a movie like this. The second half of the movie is a considerable improvement over the first half. The darker scenes make the colour palate a little more tolerable, it’s where the action and racing looked better, even if it still had its moments of being blinding, and where we got to see a lot more of John Goodman.

This is a weird movie but it is based off a weird show so maybe it’s a perfect fit

Rating -49%