#13 Batman Returns

Looking back at previous reviews, my mini-review of Tim Burton's Batman is the most popular I've done. (Well, it was at the time of writing this review) Now it's time to look at its sequels, and boy do they suck.

Batman Returns was the second Batman era from the Burton Era. Burton this time was given more creative control, expecting another hit like Batman was. The response then was quite mixed then, Warner Brothers were dissatisfied with the tone that led to the loss of the McDonalds happy meal tie-in and lead directly to hiring Joel Schumacher to direct a more marketable, but much sh*tter Batman movie.

These days it's far more popular, with many people proclaiming it to be the best Batman movie (bar none). Yeah... no, it really, really isn't. Let’s dig into this movie and find out why.

Welcome to Gotham City home of Sewer Penguins and creepy mansions

We start with a baby born at the Cobblepot manor. (On a stormy day, because is there any other kind of day in Gotham?) The father enters the off-screen room and screams. Because they're monsters and Burton doesn't want us to see the baby (because the make-up budget is being used for later on) they lock the child in a cage. Where he somehow pulls a cat through the bars and beats it up. So cartoony I question its dark persona already.

Mr and Mrs Cobblepot, parents of the year (just so happens to be a slow year)

Because the parents are absolute swines, they take the baby to the Gotham Park and throw him off a bridge into the Gotham River (because giving him up discreetly for adoption wasn't an option for you Cobblepots, you pathetic wastes of humanity) somehow the baby ends up in the sewers, which is weird since last I checked the rivers don't lead into the sewers. And we get our title

 

Throwing a baby off a bridge is so much less conspicuous than simply pushing him into the river

In lazy times new Roman font no less (nothing wrong with it, just lazy) and we get our cast as the baby drifts threw the sewers (yeah I'm saying sewers since there's infrastructure.) After you almost get sick of watching a baby drift through the sewers, he's met with the Gotham Penguin population. Yeah,.. WHAT?!

 

Yeah, there are penguins in the sewers, sorry, still can't get over that

Yeah, the sewer has penguins, in Gotham City. Nice. We jump to 33 years later, where the Christmas tree is being lit, and Alfred appears. In Shreck's very, very tall Cheshire cat building, Shreck proposes his obviously evil power station, whilst his secretary pours coffee. Fortunately everyone else believes there's enough power. The secretary is introduced as Selena Kyle and we see Shreck's son come to take Shreck downstairs (he'll be important later, no really, he will).

Shreck exits the building and the public calls Max Shreck the city's own Santa Claus as he throws out presents from the tree, Max make a speech but doesn't have it on him, as it’s in the office with Selena. Max improvises his speech, as a giant Christmas present rolls in (without any attention being drawn towards it before now); it opens open revealing clowns, skull faces and freaky motor cycles, because this is a Burton film, oh and there's gun-fire.

 

Incase you haven't got the message. I'm a bad guy

They activate the Bat-signal which is reflected through a complex system of mirrors on Wayne Manor (you'd think someone would notice those) to a Bruce who really should've been patrolling the city by now. After some bad acting, Batman arrives in the Batmobile, tripping 2 guys up on his way (that'll leave a mark) after dealing with 4 more circus freaks he is trapped with a fire-breather, he turns his car around with a pole in the middle of the Batmobile (because structure, what's that?) and sets the guy on fire with the exhaust from the car.

Have you met Batman? He's the star of this film apparently

Selena, flustered by the action is taken by a freak with a taser as a hostage. Batman manages to pull a chunk out of the wall behind him and bang the guy on the head knocking him out (cheap buildings folks, never stand near a cheap wall) instead of getting back to work finishing off the remaining circus freaks Batman stands as Selina awkwardly tries to thank him. Selina picks up the paperwork she dropped and the taser she was threatened with.

Shreck has gotten out of the action but falls through a trap-door (yeah, there was an episode like this in the animated series, but at least there the Penguin called the shots as to where the guy went, here random alleyway trap door) So it's revealed the park I mentioned earlier might well be Gotham Zoo, which explains the Penguins, except of course how they get from the exhibit to the sewers. Also, I know it’s winter but the place is empty, it doesn't look like a zoo at all.

Shreck wakes up without a mild case of death from falling through that trap-door and spots the Penguin, who delivers this line

"I believe the word you're looking for is ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" hahahahahahahaha

Sorry, couldn't they have just done a Killer Croc story instead? This isn't the Penguin's origin; they have a character that does have this sort of origin, so why make this character the Penguin?

Anyway, whilst showing off his umbrella collection, for some reason, he says they have in common that they're perceived as monsters (let me remind you, whilst one is perceived as an urban legend, the other is ‘Gotham's personal Santa Claus’ – yeah, they're certainly both monsters)

The Penguin reveals that he wants to ascend to the surface and gain respect (or something) and track down his parents, learning his name etc etc. The Penguin reveals that he has recovered shredded documents that prove he's responsible for evil doings and has taped them back together (if they were shredded, then flushed down the toilet, then how come none of the ink has run?)

Shreck agrees to help. Selina arrives in her apartment and it's basically shown that her life is a complete mess. She talks to herself for no reason and her only friends are cats (are we sure this is Selina Kyle? Cool, calm, collected, obsessed maybe but not psychotic) she's so messed up she left herself a message saying she needs to go back to work and look up the Bruce Wayne file for tomorrow.

Selina's an adult folks, that's why she sits with fluffy toys and possesses a dollhouse

Back at Shreck's, Shreck arrives to see Selina pouring through the files, including the protected files, because she’s an idiot, and Max is an idiot for making them this easy to find. She reveals that the ‘power-plant’ is a giant capacitor which will be sucking power from the grid, to store it for... Something. (Hey, if the power-levels in Gotham are in surplus, which according to the mayor they are, why not store a bit for a rainy day?) Shreck then pushes her out of the window.

And lets Selena fall to her ‘death.’ (You know that might've been hard to explain to the police if they investigate) anyway, Shreck's saved an investigation as a pack of cats surround her and start licking her, which brings her to life by the power of plot convenience (could be worse, though, could be the breathing on them from the Catwoman movie)

Selena enters her apartment, shell-shocked from the event. She begins to drink milk straight out of the carton. And listens to answer-phone messages, including one about a perfume they'd only called her about earlier the same day (nuisance phone calls for you) at the mention of Shreck she begins smashing her phone, destroying toy animals and breaking sh*t with a frying pan. (Again, I feel like I'm in a cartoon)

Welcome to Gotham City!

To complete her psychological meltdown she spray-paints the walls and finds a leather jacket, then spray-paints a doll house and begins making adjustments to the jacket… Suddenly she's in a full leather cat-suit.  At a press meeting, the Mayor makes a speech about the urban chaos of Gotham, when a circus freak kidnaps the mayors kid and jumps into a manhole. The Penguin uses his duck-elevator (don't ask) and manages to use it to rise all the way to the surface despite the fact the ground is solid surrounding the manhole for at least a foot, meaning the duck’s head would've hit the walls long before the Penguin was at the surface

The Penguin rises and delivers the child back to the Mayor (with no-one questioning the co-incidence) whilst Bruce Wayne watches on his black and white TV. Penguin asks for a chance to find his parents and understand why they threw him into the sewers (I'll save you the trouble – it's because they're f*cking a**holes) Bruce hopes he finds them, feeling sympathy for his situation.

Penguin sifts through the records, many of which are not his and the security guards can blatantly see him writing a list of names which are clearly not his! Bruce discovers the circus freaks are the red triangle gang (because red square and red hexagon were apparently taken) where Bruce reveals that through the power of bullsh*t, he now believes that the Penguin knows who his parents are.

 

Does this hat make me look taller?

At Gotham Cemetary, the Pegnuin finds the graves of his parents and his own name, Oswald Cobblepot. And he in front of the press says that he forgives his parents and because clearly there was no news that day, it makes the front page. A woman is mugged and saved by Catwoman, who suddenly can fight.

At Shreck's, Bruce Wayne arrives for his meeting about the power plant. Bruce Wayne reports that there’s a power surplus in Gotham, whilst Shreck responds with ‘you can never have too much power’ get it? He's the bad guy? He wants…. Actually what the f*ck does he want? Bruce reveals his suspicions (because it's always best to let someone know when you’re onto them) that the Penguin leads the Red Triangle gang, based mostly on evidence pulled out of his a**.

Selena arrives and I'm beginning to realise that Batman hasn't been in this film for a while, Max is obviously unnerved by this. Shrek later ascends to Oswald's private quarters and lures him downstairs with a fish, waiting for Oswald is the press wanting to support his announcement for Mayor. When one guy asks a question about his look, Oswald bites his nose, which amazingly doesn't make it into any paper at all.

We all support you Oswald, for... some reason

Shreck says they can address the fact that it isn't election season by having more red-triangle attacks to turn people against the Mayor. Oswald seems interested in the idea and the attacks begin. And Batman returns to the film. After a few decent fight take-outs the ridiculous begins as rather than attacking him they all wait as he programs a remote control batarang to fly towards them and knock them out. A dog catches the batarang, for a plot point later. Batman steals a bomb.

You just wait there with your rocket launchers while I program this batarang

Catwoman breaks into Shreck's department store. And starts whipping things for no reason, then skips with whip, and breaks sh*t. After scaring off the security guards we return to Batman who encounters a strong guy, who he defeats by placing the bomb on him, killing him. Batman confronts the Penguin as Catwoman comes out and Shrek’s building explodes.

Penguin escapes with his heli-copter umbrella (cartoony, but to be fair from the comics) Batman pursues Catwoman and proceeds to get his ass handed to him. Batman hangs off a ledge (with Shrek’s department store somehow in-tact behind him) and decides to throw an acid thing at her so she releases her whip grip on him and allows him to climb back up. Catwoman slips but is brought back up by Batman. After punching him in the stomach, Batman punches her off the building, and makes no attempt to rescue her, instead she's rescued by a truck of kitty litter (or really, by plot convenience)

One of the few action shots in fight where we see both fighters, is it too much to ask to have some shots that aren't zoomed in tight

Batman finds a claw in his suit. Penguin makes a mayoral speech, referring to the Joker and Catwoman as examples of the Mayor's failings. In Penguin's quarters Catwoman is waiting for him. Believing that they both have Batman as an enemy in common, Penguin says that he plans to sabotage the Batmobile using plans he has of it, somehow. But Catwoman suggests they frame him first, so he doesn't become a martyr. Penguin somehow uses his 6 fingers to create a shadow of a bat on the ceiling, despite there being no light source below his hands and no real reason why it would create that shadow.

 

You can sue against sexual harassment in the workplace

Oswald challenges the mayor to relight the Christmas tree, with Batman there to preserve the piece. Selina and Bruce conveniently bump into each other (in all the joints, in all the towns, in all the countries, in all the worlds, she picks this one) they pass headlines, one which reads Batman blows it, where Bruce is under the delusion that Batman saved millions of dollars in property damage. Yeah… No he didn't. Bruce invites her to an early dinner.

The Penguin comes into a tent containing an actress who doesn't recognise a guy who was front page headlines not long ago and is a potential mayoral candidate. He knocks the girl out using the batarang from earlier.

In Wayne Manor, Bruce comes alarmingly close to spilling his secret revealing once again why the socially awkward Bruce Wayne doesn't work. He needs to confident enough to be a socialite who doesn't reveal his secret to every girl he meets. A socially awkward Peter Parker works because his status in society doesn't involve him constantly meeting new people.

They are interrupted by a news report about the ice princess and Bruce Wayne has trouble making an excuse (which again, why socially awkward Bruce Wayne doesn't work) but it doesn't matter as, oh what a co-incidence, Selina also has to leave. Batman dresses in 1 of an array of Batsuits as Selina dresses into her cat-suit whilst driving. Batman arrives on the scene and activates security on the car. The Red Triangle gang somehow deactivate Batman’s security.

Batman finds the ice princess as the circus freaks and monkeys disable his car. Batman rescues her but is attacked by Catwoman. She takes the ice princess to the roof. Batman follows, Penguin unleashes some bats that cause the ice princess to fall to her death, the tree is turned on and a swarm of bats are unleashed and the police arrive. (And do nothing after he falls) Catwoman pins him and actually has the cheek to say that he tried to save her (no he did not) Batman escapes thanks to the glider that magically showed up in his cape.

Catwoman's irritated that Penguin killed the ice princess and rejects the Penguin's advances, as such the Penguin sends her flying, where she crashes through a greenhouse roof and breaks the rest of the glass with her scream. (Yeah……. No)

In the Mayor's Van, the Penguin enters a theme-park ride, as the police catch up with Batman, who gets into the Batmobile, the Penguin appears on his screen with complete control of the car (you know, they did this in Batman: The Animated Series but they made the way the Penguin got control at least somewhat logical) the Batmobile sets off, running down everything. Batman inserts a disk into the disk player which he has control of for some reason.

 

Mommy! I wanna go! Well worth 25 cents a ride

Batman somehow has control enough to isolate a foreign object, step through the base of the car with his foot? (Again, he was a similar situation in a Batman: The Animated series episode but it made more sense) Batman removes the object and stops before running down an old woman, and punching out the screen. Batman sheds some weight off his car, talking to himself the whole time and squeezes through a tight ally and gets away.

The Penguin prepares to make another speech. But Batman uses his magic signal jammer to somehow make the speakers project quips from the Penguin he recorded in the Batmobile to the public. Because the public are gullible as all hell, they immediately turn against the Penguin and start throwing sh*t at him (who does takes lettuce and tomatoes to a speech?) after shooting in a public place and assaulting a man, the police are after him too, so he jumps into the Gotham river and floats using ducky-mc-plot-convenience into the sewer.

 

What is that staue supposed to be, looks like an Iron Man crossover

Then comes the fall of the Penguin and he begins to enact his plan. Kidnap the first-born sons of Gotham city and kill them, because… Why the hell should the plot make sense now? Bruce accepts an invitation of Shreck's so he can see Selina and oh the irony, they're the only two not wearing masks. Geez!

They dance and whisper and she plans to kill him (yay) and they work out their alter-egos I think, the Penguin then arrives to kidnap Shreck's son (oh… What was his name again? Chip?) Max offers to take his place and the Penguin accepts for some reason. The children are arriving in a slow-moving train thing, giving Batman ample time to stop them. Well, that plot went no-where.

 

This is the 19:45 service to the sewers beneath Gotham Zoo, calling at somewhere, somewhere else and Gotham Sewers

Penguin then sends out his penguins armed with missiles (once again, I feel like I'm watching a cartoon.) Batman comes through the on that bat-sewer ski-boat, complete with a penguin-radar for just such an occasion (again, Shreck's store seems remarkably unexploded). Batman uses his signal jammer to stop the launch, and turn them back (in all different directions) Shreck calls a monkey to release him, as the Bat ski-boat approaches.

With Batman approaching, duck-dar and all, the Red Triangle gang amscrade, leaving Penguin to drive his duck up a staircase, Batman's ski-boat does too and splits the duck in half (that would've killed him) but the Penguin somehow survives and attacks but Batman activates the signal making the penguins appear, the Penguin grabs the device and activates the missiles, which hit the zoo and cause no casualties. Batman sends Bats out of the ski-boat which sends the Penguin crashing through a skylight into the sewers (what?)

As Shreck escapes he is forced into the water by Catwoman, and somehow survives its toxic nature by plot convenience. Catwoman pulls him out. Batman swings in to help, he takes off his mask (in front of Shreck no less) and his eye-shadow disappears. Catwoman knocks him down and Shreck shoots him, which leaves him unable to intervene as Catwoman goads him into shooting her, under the delusion she has 9 lives. With only 2 lives left, Shrek's out of bullets and Selina kills him and escapes. Batman recovers to find Shrek's dead skeleton.

 

WHAT A WOMAN!

The Penguin rises out of the sewers, bile gushing from his mouth and then dies again (well that was pointless) penguins then push him into the sewer water like pole-bearers (give me strength) Alfred drives Bruce home I take it but Bruce sees a Catwoman-like shadow, and investigates. He finds nothing and leaves, with only a black ally-cat to show for it. Catwoman is seen on the final shot, in front of the lit bat-signal (wait, don't the police still believe he's a murderer? Are they trying to trick him?)

THIS GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

Without a great villain like the Joker, the problems with the film unravel quickly. They try and up the villain count to compensate, but like most films with multiple villains, it doesn't work. Shreck is just a generic bad guy with a plan that’s not even close to fruition and we have no idea what getting his capacitor thing set up will actually accomplish. His care for his son would be touching, if we saw more of them, Chip was a minor character with maybe 5 minutes screen-time in the movie

The Penguin just isn't the Penguin in this. He's written as a sort of tragic character that Tim Burton seems to love, but it doesn't work because at no point are you rooting for him, meaning you don't feel sorry for his come-down, and everything about his character just leaves you cold and bitter. A character like Killer Croc would perhaps have made a better fit here, besides the idea of alligators in the sewers is at least more plausible than penguins in the sewers.

 

You'll be the next one feeding the fishes (to the penguins)

Then there's Catwoman. Why do people believe Catwoman needs an origin? She's a Cat-burglar with a thing for cats. Her character complexities are in what she is prepared to do, who she's prepared to kill, and who she wouldn't be prepared to kill. In other words her morality and her on/off relationship with both Bruce Wayne as Selina and Batman as Catwoman, is what defines her character. Here her complexities lie in her mental state, she's schizophrenic, and it doesn't help her at all.

Batman barely appears in the first half of the movie, and usually his appearances are to get the plans of the villains moving, as he does not seem to have any sort of arc in this story. In fact his most interesting appearances are as Bruce Wayne, and that's worrying in a film titled Batman Returns.

I’ll give credit where it's due. Production design is excellent, and much improved over the first film, for the most part, it's the plot that drags down this movie, and the crucial factors that lead to his departure and the hiring of Joel Schumacher (so you could argue, it's Tim Burton's fault that Batman Forever and Batman and Robin exist)

Rage Rating: 70%

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Images/clips used in this review are from Batman Returns and Batman and Robin and belong to their respective owners. All images/clips in this review are subject to fair use.