2015 New Years Eve Special - Top 10 worst things I've seen only in review

It’s New Years Eve once again

And rather than doing a top 10 most popular reviews (you can see what they are from the sidebar at any time) I thought I'd look at something different this year

You’ve seen the kind of movies I review. Most of the time it’s action movies, particularly in the super-hero genre, and that’s cemented with my love of comic books and action/platformer video games. But I know this is a shocker… I don’t have the time, or even the money to watch every movie/read every comic book and review that ever existed ever. Sometimes I have to base my opinion on how others have reviewed them. And these are the worst movies I’ve ever seen reviewed. 

To qualify for this list the movie/comic (there aren’t any games on this list because there aren’t a lot of game reviews I watch, sorry Angry Video Game Nerd) must at least be interesting in its title, so bullsh*t like Garbage Pail Kids, Baby Geniuses and Birdemic 2 are off the hook here.

10. The Legend of the Titanic – reviewed by the Nostalgia critic (link)

Look, I get it, alright? The sinking of the Titanic is one of the world’s most famous disasters and James Cameron made an extremely profitable movie out of it. But why 2 animated features marketed towards children and focusing on talking mice rather than actual human beings? It doesn’t make any sense to me. But why did this one make the list? Here’s a brief overview

An evil man wants to marry a Rose knockoff to get exclusive whaling rights or some such sh*t? The Rose knockoff gains the ability to talk to animals thanks to her tears being caught by magic moonbeams (I’m dead serious) and hears that they also want to save the whales from the evil man. When the proposal plan fails, the evil man orders his gang of criminal underwater sharks to sink the Titanic after midnight. They do this by convincing an octopus named tentacles to throw an iceberg in their path. Oh and nobody dies!

Do I really have to explain what’s wrong with this? It’s turning a tragedy that claimed hundreds of innocent lives into an insulting battle of good vs evil, it’s insulting to everyone who died in that tragedy. It’s far from the only film that does this but it fares terribly in pretty much every aspect too. It looks sh*t, the plot is stupid, the voice acting is meh and yeah…

9. The Odd Life of Timothy Green – reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (link)

This had to be on the list, how could it not be on the list?

Two parents are trying to convince an adoption agency that they’re suitable parents. They claim they couldn’t put the evidence on the form because “the wasn’t enough space.” So they tell a story how they grew a boy in the back yard and in the series show how inept at parenting they are, committing cardinal sins like: not asking what his likes and dislikes are, being overly protective of him because of a girl they don’t know, letting him go to a party of kid who bullied him, leaving him alone with strangers, you get the idea. The parenting in this movie is painfully, unbearably awful. And of course, they convince the adoption agency

Jesus Christ, this movie seems awful, it’s only this low on the list because things coming are much, much worse.

8. Jack and Jill – reviewed by Film Brain (link)

Oh Adam Sandler, you’re only not on my radar because comedies like his are not the field I choose to review. Although if I ever do watch Pixels, your day might yet come

So Adam Sandler plays Jack and his sister, Jill using a very very annoying voice. They hate each other and spend most of the movie making mean spirited pot shots, particularly Jack against his sister. But when Al Pacino for unfathomable reasons wants to have a shot with Jill in exchange for doing the ad, Jack must bring Jill around. And then they go on a cruise because... reasons

This movie had jokes about atheism (which I identify myself as, so colour me insulted already), the usual Sandler sh*t, but many jokes not appropriate for a PG rating. But seriously, this movie sucks like most Happy Maddison sh*t

7. Star Wars Holiday Special – reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (link)

This movie revolves around Wookies, whoever thought this was a good idea was clearly high on something. Something I’d get high on before ever considering watching this movie. Not much more I can say on this one, I just don’t give enough of a sh*t. Sh*tty looking animated segments, Luke Skywalker in heavy makeup (no-one’s fault, Mark Hamill had been involved in an accident) Han and Leia doing only brief cameos, the empire being a practical afterthought, and DID I mention the wookies! Look, there’s not much more that needs saying for this one, let’s move on

6. Foodfight! – reviewed by Nostaliga Critic (link)

You know, the animation of Little Panda Fighter might actually be worse but… This is still a steaming pile.

So, apparently when supermarkets close a city pops out of nowhere, where Ikes, the representation of the supermarket’s brands can come to life and live. This sounds stupid, and an excuse for blatant product, or at least it would be if most of the product companies didn’t back out. Behind the scenes problems including someone ‘stealing animated footage’ (or throwing it in the fire where it belonged) meant this had a decade of cr*ppy production with $65million invested in it.

Have I sold you yet? It looks sh*t, it’s full of inappropriate jokes, not all that funny (at least, not intentionally) and is full of knockoff product placement.

5. Spider-man: One more Day – reviewed by Linkara (link)

I can definitely see why there are people who won’t read Peter Parker anymore because of this sh*t. And it's part of the reason why I'm not picking up any Peter Parker relaunch titles, instead waiting for Miles Morales.

With Aunt May dying thanks to the events of Civil War (its day will come) Peter goes to everyone in the Marvel universe to try and fix her but they all seem miraculously incapable. After 2 issues of padding, turns out his only choice is choosing his Aunt over his Wife by making a deal with the demon Mephisto, who is showing powers he does not have. And he does so

Atrocious pacing, a bit that implies that people who play video games and read escapist fiction (ala Superhero comics) are losers, and did I MENTION THAT DEAL WITH MEPHISTO! Joe Quesada can go f*ck himself!

4. The Avengers #200 – reviewed by Linkara (link)

Speaking of Awful comics, did you hear the one about Ms. Marvel giving birth to her own rapist?

So before the issue, Ms. Marvel had become mysteriously pregnant and no-one seemed to give 2 sh*ts, she goes into labour giving birth to a guy who mysteriously grows up in 3 seconds and demands power tools. He begins crafting a machine that begins creating time rifts or something because we needed some action. Ms. Marvel is berated for not being too pleased with her rape child. And to top it all off, having grown to adult form, Miss Marvel goes off with him at the end

Rape is a sensitive topic to be highly avoided at all costs as a plot gimmick. This is one of the worst examples of plot gimmick rape I have ever seen.

3. Patch Adams – reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (link)

I don’t care whether or not the real Hunter Adams liked this or not, it’s insulting on a most basic level

What’s worse than giving birth to your own rapist? Not much, but stealing from hospitals and practicing medicine without a license comes pretty close in my book. Add to that the appalling representation of Hunter’s male best friend who tragically died not as the result of some bullsh*t the movie decided to make up. I don’t dislike Robin Williams, I love him as the Genie in Aladdin and its second sequel, I just think he was served an awful awful script for this.

Oh, and if Hunter Adams wasn’t insulted, I’ll be insulted for him, this was not a complete or accurate representation of him

2. Holy Terror – reviewed by Linkara (link)

Frank Miller, I bashed him in my All-Star Batman and Robin review. He’s not written anything decent in years, but this, this is the biggest awful work he has ever done.

So, a lame Batman knock-off called the Fixer and his lame Catwoman rip-off sidekick fight terrorism, in the last few pages of the book, the majority of it is padding, prejudice against Muslims, sexism, more sexism, more prejudice against Muslims. And oh my god, he’s breaking his back to get information. Wait, that’s the guy in charge of Al Quada, wtf is with the art? where am I, goddamn it?!

I hate this sorry excuse for a comic, and Linkara was more than welcome to burn it

Before I reveal my number 1 pick, here are some dishonourable mentions

Marville - reviewed by Linkara (#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6-7)

I think I lost braincells just listening to him read this sh*t, 2 issues of unfunny parody, 3 issues of pseudo-scientific/religious/historical bullsh*t and an issue that’s a recap of the series. + An issue that isn't really an issue, but I'll let that be explained in the review

Milk Money - reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (link)

Kids want to pay to see a naked woman, do I even need to explain any further?

Gamer - reviewed by Film Brain (link)

I love games, this video is one giant insult to everyone who plays them, which is funny since the premise makes them the primary audience of your film

Cool Cat Saves the Kids – reviewed by I Hate Everything (link)

Holy sh*t this looks awful. Cool Cat (his character’s actually credited as Cool Cat, either Daddy Derek wants to keep the illusion going, or the actor’s embarrassed to be in this sh*t) teaches kids about avoiding bullying in the most boring, cliché, stupid and obvious ways possible. I probably wouldn’t mention this but Derek Savage has proven to be a complete and utter prick, personally taking down negative review, uploading a video full of lies about Fair Use laws and pretending to be a lawyer and using fear tactics. OK, there’s a reason this isn’t on the list, it’s title says it’s going to be sh*t, but it’s worth mentioning anyway. However bad you think this could be, it’s much, much worse.

1. North – reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic (link)

Holy sh*t, I don’t think I’ve ever been more insulted by a movie in my life, and I didn’t even f*cking see it in its entirety. Is this worse than Holy Terror. No… But instead of directing all its hatred towards a single target, this thing insults just about everyone and its lazily written, unfunny trash! The joke that really really p*sses me off though is the joke about the woman who can’t have children. It was disgusting. And when the big twist is revealed (spoilers, his adventure was a dream) it leaves you with a lot of very serious questions about this egotistical brat’s mental state.

I’m not even going to talk about the story, I don’t want to draw any more attention to this crock of sh*t. Not even Rob Reiner, Elijah Wood and Bruce Willis could save this movie!

Happy New Year everyone!

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