#31 Dragonball Evolution

Oh sh*t

I’ve come across some terrible adaptations in my time and this is not the first time I’ve not had any involvement with the source material. So to clue me in, here’s what a friend of mine told me

People say that not only is this a bad movie, it’s worse than The Last Airbender. I’m not even sure that’s possible. But let’s find out anyway as we dig into Dragonball Evolution

Just to be clear, I’m approaching this from the perspective of someone who hasn’t seen the source material, and am judging it on its own merits. Movies generally have a wider audience than the material they’re adapting, so it should work as a movie on it’s own as well.

We open with some backstory. Long before people can remember a War Lord named Piccolo (hahaha) who brought chaos and darkness and no pizza parties to the world with his sidekick Ōzaru, they crumbled cities and countries until a bunch of magical people performed some magic sh*t to bury him in the centre of the Earth. You know, just once I’d like to see a magic spell bury him IN THE OTHER SIDE OF THE F*CKING UNIVERSE! You’ve given him an open invitation to return with this sh*t.

So, we’re introduced to the erm slow motion eye-sweat of our main character, Goku, played by Robbie from War of the Worlds, he was also in Baby Geniuses 2. You really need a better agent kid. Come on, we’ve seen enough of his sweat, let’s get on with it. He’s balancing on a set of ropes as his grandfather prepares to fight him, with the first to touch the ground losing. He’s armed with a staff so this is not a fair fight but we knew this was going to end in his favour anyway.

Here’s our first problem, the painfully obvious attempts to imitate the Matrix. The DVD cover calls this the Kids Matrix (forgetting the apostrophe, I might add) so thanks to a Shadow Crane Strike, Goku is blown off into some conveniently placed melons. They talk about using Ki to do sh*t but Goku can’t do that yet. Goku talks about how he’s having a tough time at school.

His grandfather replies and I quote

“I don’t train you to fight boys, Goku” which raises a good question, what exactly are you training him to fight? Oh, and it’s Goku’s birthday so his grandfather gives him a dragonball, with 4 stars on it. If this is significant other than differentiating each of them I don’t see how. Also it’s useless on its own and will grant someone a wish if they gain all seven.

So, for the next few minutes the plot will decide to take a break (not that much happened past the opening exposition dump) as see Goku’s adventures in Unitech High School a name which sounds less like a school and more like a Video Game Academy. His bike is run over by 2 stock bullies, he confronts them but backs down like a p*ssy.

Meanwhile in awful looking CGI airship, Piccolo (hehehe) burns an entire city to the ground with casualties of… almost no-one if you believe this scene. A mother and her daughter a hiding a dragonball so Seki comes looking for it. She retrieves it and Piccolo (hehehe) arrives and does nothing.

So in class we hear something about an eclipse because foreshadowing or something. Goku looks deeply at his ‘love interest’ for this story and naturally that gets the teacher’s attention. When asked what our ancestors might think about the coming eclipse. He gives an answer that his Grandfather might say “Beware the Nemeks” an ancient alien race. Everyone ridicules his answer but may I remind you he started his sentence with “My Grandfather might say”

Love interest has trouble getting a paper that’s due out of her locker. Goku somehow manages to summon his chi, something he couldn’t do earlier and open the locker, along with all the others. To quote CinemaSins it seems “the power of boners is stronger” or some such sh*t

OK, you know what, this bit has so little story, this doesn’t deserve analysis, I’ll just summarise. The girl’s name is Chi Chi, he’s invited to a party, he doesn’t tell his grandfather (what a d*ck), he fights off the bullies without laying a punch and Piccolo (hehehe) attacks the house, killing his grandfather. Finally, the plot can begin.

Sensing it somehow, Goku comes back home and naturally his grandfather is alive enough to give cryptic instructions. He needs to find Master Roshi and find all 7 dragonballs. So after laying a grave for him. Goku continues prowling around this incredibly unstable and miraculously not collapsed house and finds a uniform. He’s attacked by a woman holding a gun and after a 'promethium orb,' something very similar to Goku’s dragonball, likely because it is one, which was stolen from her. She has a dragonball detector so we can move the plot along more than 2 inches at once.

But because Goku’s dragonball has 4 stars instead of 5, she knows it’s not the same one. Right, so you’re telling me that these dragonballs are distinct for what reason again? Seriously, I don’t recall any in-lore explanation for that, it just seems like it’s a tool for exactly this scene. That’s lazy writing, pure and simple. She explains that Seki broke into her vault and took it or something. Oh and she degrees… Yeah, ok, sure, why not? She wants the dragonballs to use as an energy source. Oh and she calls her dragonball a DBE, get it? Dragon Ball Evolution, the title of the movie… F*ck this movie!

So Goku offers to help back her up as she searches for the dragonballs in return for her taking him to master Roshi. OK, we’re 1/3 of the way through this movie now (give or take) can the plot actually get going now? I’m starting to fall asleep here. Oh, her name is Bulma, it takes you to the end of this scene before we even know her f*cking name. And it’s not like fans of the anime would know, here’s what she looks like in the anime

And here's her in the movie

See the resemblance? No? Welcome to the f*cking club! So they drive off in Bulma’s transformers-mobile into generic cityville where Goku senses Master Roshi and Bulma detects a dragonball. It’s in a house in the middle of a construction site (is he the guy from Up?) They enter the unlocked house where the sound of a stone dropping wakes him. Oh God, you were in the last airbender too. I’m getting reminded of bad movies. I wish they wouldn’t do that.

Bulma arrives, distracting Roshi allowing Goku to perform a Shadow Crane Strike, which misses and hits Bulma instead. Since when could Goku perform that move?! Geez the power of boners is really evident. He alerts Roshi that Piccolo (hehehe) has returned and there’s an eclipse evolved for some reason. They find his dragonball, not using the detector for some reason.

Oh and there’s a prophecy involved too. For crying out loud, how many pages from the hack’s guide to screen-writing have been stolen for this? Meanwhile we cut to Seki’s boobs… I mean Piccolo (hehehe) getting another dragonball. So, whilst Bulma and Roshi get to ride, Goku gets to carry sh*t on foot. They say it’s part of his training but I’m calling bullsh*t on that. Oh and somehow he’s able to keep up.

So they arrive at their training guards but find it’s a little busier than Roshi once remembers it, it’s the training ground from one of the Power Rangers series. Oh and Chi-Chi’s there, because the plot says so. She’s training for a tournament. So after some awkward flirting, they’re off as Bulma has another dragonball in her scopes. Oh and Roshi, say the word ‘airbending’ again, and I may have to kill you very slowly.

I’m not sure if I’m annoyed I’m being reminded of the Last Airbender movie, or annoyed that you’re insulting a great cartoon series (this movie came out in 2009, between the cartoon and the movie). I’m told airbending is not a part of the DBZ universe! They fall into a hole in the middle of nowhere, somehow Bulma falls last despite the fact she was driving.

So, time to meet the douchebag of the group, Yamcha, who set up this trap in order to make money. That kind of relies on someone coming out to this place in the middle of nowhere. Batman, what do you think of that plan?

My thoughts exactly. Night falls and Goku still struggles to climb out, perfect time for exposition dumping. Except we got this story in the opening exposition dump so I don’t give a sh*t. I think the biggest thing we get here is that Piccolo (hehehe) seeks the dragonballs to unleash Ōzaru, his partner in devastation all those years ago. I would like to point out that at 40 minutes (that’s half of the movie) they haven’t interacted at all.

So Bulma detects the dragonball again (nice how the detector goes off at moments convenient for the plot) so Roshi jumps straight out of the pit, something he could’ve done at any time, dick! They need tools to excavate within the pit, because the dragonball is buried underground. Fortunately, Yamcha has a convenient drill on him they can use when Roshi offers money to him. Why does he have that drill? Don’t tell me he created the pit with it, that’s so many levels of bullsh*t right there. Oh god, and he’s a 90s stereotype too, freaking terrific.

OK, apparently Seki has been following Goku and Roshi and is prepared to engage them. Piccolo (no, I can’t get over the stupidity of that name) uses his own blood to bring life to an army of creatures. So apparently the tunnel leads into a lava pit (go figure) but now thanks to the temperature Bulma’s DBE doesn’t work. But Yamcha engages in unfunny comic relief and finds it so that was a non-issue. It’s on the other side of the lava and now Piccolo’s creatures are arriving. They seem capable of healing themselves but they can be stopped by the lava. Their corpses make a convenient path to the dragonball. Yeah, that’s another page from the complete hack’s guide to writing right there.

So Goku gets the dragonball but Seki arrive, but Goku easily defeats her. So it’s 3 for 3 now, 1 left. Oh and the dragonballs are giving him visions that really aren’t all that interesting. With no chance to find the remaining dragonballs, Roshi says he knows another way to stop them. They head to a monastery, in the same place Chi-Chi’s kung fu tournament is conveniently supposed to be.

Roshi sees Sifu Norris at the temple, apologising for not believing in the prophecy earlier. He says the boy will not be ready (what evidence is this based on, he seems to be doing pretty well) so needs another containment vessel, the Ma Fu Ba. Sifu Norris says it’ll be ready by tomorrow morning. Seki fights Chi-Chi but concedes after gaining a sample of her blood. Goku arrives just as she’s declared the victor.

OK, the next couple of scenes is just padding, skip... So Goku and Roshi are doing more training. Apparently the final level of, *sigh* “airbending” is the Kamehameha. OK, you mentioned airbending again, Roshi, time to die!

I suspect this’ll become very awkward at some point, ah well. To perform this move you need to look like a complete prat and practice spiritual bullsh*t. Oh, and it can set a candle on fire. Wahoo! So, Goku is tasked with lighting the torches but finds himself unable until the power of boners in the form of Chi-Chi who’s here now for some reason allows him too. She seems to know a lot about this stuff for some reason.

So as the monks (I guess) are chanting, Bulma hears something and discovers Chi-Chi taking their supply of dragonballs. Bulma’s DBE finally realises this fact. Then Chi Chi fights Chi Chi? OK, one of them is Seki. I have no idea which one. Goku also has no idea which one. Eventually fighting the wrong one and getting a blast in the chest for it. A surprisingly non-lethal blast in the chest, which can be healed thanks to Roshi.

So after a padding scene of Goku talking to his ghost grandfather he wakes up. Bulma’s DBE detects that Piccolo now has all 7 of the blighters. Wait, what? Let’s see. Goku and Roshi each had one and they found one in the pit. Piccolo had the one from the destroyed village, the one from the bottom of the lake, and the one they stole from Bulma. WHERE DID THEY GET THE 7^TH ONE?! Oh, if it means this movie can be over quicker, why am I complaining.

They need to get to the Dragon Temple quickly as they’re going to summon Ōzaru there. The other monks have completed the Ma Fu Ba and give it to Roshi as they depart. Piccolo places the dragonballs on the alter, and the temple rises from the ground. Goku decides now is the best time to change clothes. Oh and Yamcha’s car has jets in it now. Yeah… BULLSHIT! One Ki blast between Picoolo and Roshi shoots the car down and dislodges some dragon balls.

Piccolo comes down to fight. Goku arrives and it’s revealed that he will become Ōzaru once the eclipse happens. Goku was transported here by meteor to become the shell for Ōzaru on his 18^th birthday. That’s some very convenient timing there. Goku turns into something whilst Roshi stretches to the Ma Fu Ba.

Bulma picks up a dragonball and Ōzaru is ordered to pursue them. Roshi grabs the Ma Fu Ba and uses it on Piccolo. Yamcha decides to cover Bulma whilst she escapes with the dragonball. This would be emotional if I was even slightly invested in their romance. She hands him a gun but he’s easily defeated by Ōzaru. Piccolo destroys the vessel, injuring Roshi. Bulma arrives (wasn’t she running away, wasn’t that the whole point?) and he tells her to protect it.

Ōzaru chokes Roshi and he’s given a power from within speech. That other page from the hack’s guide to screenwriting. Naturally Goku starts fighting because it’s how the Cliché works but it’s too late for Roshi. Seki begins to fight with Bulma. Goku returns to human form, now a complete master of the Kamehameha apparantly. More matrix bullsh*t follows of course. Seki has Bulma at her mercy but she’s saved that’s and Yamcha recovering offscreen.

Goku embraces both sides of himself or something and defeats Piccolo. They all lie at the body of Roshi and Goku remembers they still have all 7 dragonballs and can make a wish. He chooses to resurrect Roshi, who he’d known for maybe a few days rather than his GRANDFATHER WHO HE’D KNOWN FOR 18 YEARS. That’s gratitude for ya. The dragonballs fly off somewhere so the quest can begin hopefully never ever again. And Roshi was actually content in death so that really does put the cherry on this cake.

Before we can end we have to conclude the Chi-Chi sub-plot, which really went nowhere anyway. They kiss, they apologise. They have a p*ssing contest and they fight. Personally, I’m routing for the end credits to mercifully show up and thankfully they do. But not before stupid sequel baiting where Piccolo is brought back to life.

What a f*cking joke. THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Is it a worse movie than the Last Airbender? Nope, not in the slightest. You at least get the feeling that characters are expressing emotions other than only being depressed in that movie. So whilst it’s a terrible adaptation and just a terrible movie I can understand why my younger self did gain a bit of joy out of it. But I’ve grown up since then.

But let’s be serious here, the acting is terrible, the special effects are dated in many areas, it’s stunt work is a sh*tty ripoff of the matrix. The plot has some serious holes, where it isn't completely stock, there was nothing all that memorable about the music, all of its characters are one-note and bland and I rarely if ever cared about any of them and my god the pacing of this movie is awful. There is so much padding, we could’ve shaved off at least 20 minutes of the movie and not missed anything.

Also, Seki, what was her deal? Seriously, I have no idea what her character wants other than just being a pawn like the rest of those monsters.

Rage Rating: 10,000%

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Images/clips used in this review are from Dragonball Evolution, Dragonball Z, and Justice League Unlimited and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use