#44 - Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again

Well, if you’d seen my Facebook page, you knew this was coming. I’ve made no secret that I really enjoyed Mark Waid’s Archie reboot. A modernisation of the classic characters, which maintains the humour from the regular books and combines it with a certain amount of drama. Riverdale, I show I’m getting more into ups the drama and downs the comedy, honestly to its detriment.

Speaking of detrimental, this sh*t, Archie: To Riverdale and Back again was released in 1990 as potential TV pilot. It flopped in the ratings despite some praised performances and ultimately people lost any ability to care about it, I totally understand this. As I shall now demonstrate.

We open with the alumni weekend being arranged, Veronica is calling from France to confirm her attendance if Archie is there for some reason. Betty is a teacher, what she always wanted to be I’m sure, she dismisses her class and greets her husband, who’s nervous about going to the reunion if Archie’s there.

We cut to hotshot lawyer Archie Andrews? Wait what? Anyone wanna tell me when Archie has ever indicated interest in the legal division? Sure, time has passed and things have changed but it’s a matter of assuring long-time fans of the comics that these are the same characters they remember. Well, this guy’s got red hair, that should count for something, right? Oh, and he has a wife, joy, now he can come off like a pr*ck when the love triangle stuff inevitably resumes.

They’re about to move out of Riverdale into the big city and are throwing away old junk, including his old Riverdale shirt that we don’t see properly. Archie has a massage.

We cut to Jughead talking about his marital problems. Sorry, who are you and what have you done with Jughead? In fact, I don’t feel he’s earned the name Jughead, according to Wikipedia his name is Forsythe, so I’ll call him that. So, turns out Forsythe is fact the psychologist talking to his patient about his issues. He gambled away with his wife, she won and now she’s married someone else and has stranded him with a kid he hasn’t really bonded with.

Apparently, this technique works a charm. If only Peter had tried that in The Room. Forsythe and his son are playing cards, Forsythe is losing. Archie heads into Pop’s, who praises him to high heaven for some reason. They hear a Concorde flying overhead, probably the sign of Veronica arriving.

Reggie, sporting his best Elvis haircut, enters the bar, he apparently has business to discuss with Pop. Archie exits and is forced into a limousine, rather than just walking the other way. It’s Mr Lodge, who because he thinks Archie and Veronica are teenagers again, warns him away with Veronica. Archie head back to his house, which is unlocked for some reason and inside is Forsythe and his son, ‘Jughead Jr’ – I’m just gonna call him Jordan from now on.

Turns out Jordan is a bit of practical joker. Archie and Forsythe catch up and by catch up I mean, somewhere the real Jughead is looking upon this and weeping. Jordan puts black jelly on the bed for some reason. He also plugs in the one exploding toaster they haven’t packed and sets Archie’s tie on fire. What an impudent brat!

Betty and Veronica meet up and they discuss clothes, typical girl things. When they arrive at the reunion Forsythe remembers being pursued by Big Ethel, a woman that pursued him and was unattractive and goes into shock.

Archie flashes back 15 years and they still look like they’re in their mid-late 30s, Archie has to choose who to ask to the prom and asks Forsythe for advice, he’s got nothing. In the present Archie goes down to say hello and awkward giggles ensue, followed by awkward hugs. We then see Forsythe and Jordan enter the fray. Archie reveals to the girls that he has a fiancé and because TV show they fade to black.

Apparently, a band called ‘The Archies’ is playing, the Principal calls it the best band in Riverdale High History. I can think of a Josie and some Pussycats who might disagree with that. Jordan meets with Max Mason, son of Moose and they have a bet that they can do worse things to Archie for some reason. What inbreed stock are these kids?

Archie and Robert talk and Archie immediately concludes he’d be a cr*ppy husband. Archie agrees to have Max stay over without consulting Moose first because Archie’s a bit of an idiot like that. Veronica tries to woo over Archie, you know he’s engaged so you’re a b*tch, also Mr Lodge is watching and calls it strike one.

They manage to separate Robert and Betty so Archie can talk to Betty about how Robert is a bit of a b*stard. She shows him a book she’s been writing, something the publishers say is too sweet. Also, they’re in Pops now, something that’d look suspect to anyone looking in. The reminisce about the time they almost f*cked. Pops is on the phone, Reggie is evicting him to make room for something or another. He owns the building.

Archie confronts Reggie and exchange the most cliché-ridden dialogue ever. Honestly though, Reggie offered to give Pop a cheque to set up somewhere else. All things considered that’s a reasonable compromise. Still, Archie is stupid, despite being a lawyer, and leaves in a huff ready for Reggie to call his financer, guess who it is. Strike 2

Forsythe does an embarrassing dance, witnessed by Max and Jordan. Archie comes back in and does a motivational speech to himself. They head to bead and the pranks begin, starting with the sh*ty black Jelly and… that’s it. Veronica breaks into Archie’s house and interrupts a phone call with his fiancé.

This is attempted rape! No! This is horrible! Meanwhile some shenanigans involving the kids and a ladder outside. I can’t stand Veronica in this movie. I’ve never seen her this awful, Archie eventually rejects her advances but she storms off and he gives her a speech to try and calm things down. No, frankly she should’ve just stormed off, this scene would’ve been much better. Also, Mr Lodge sees Veronica enter the house and calls is strike 3.

Archie plans to be his lawyer and help keep Pops open. Erm, you know for a lawyer you’re not very smart. If you were you’d realise there’s no real case there. The kids trick Betty so we see up her skirt. Charming. Betty and Veronica are playing Tennis and they remember being kids and looking no younger than they do now waiting for Archie to decide which of them he’s taking.

Archie tries to convince a judge to hear his case but he won’t on a weekend. Archie says he’ll find a way and one comes with the most contrived thing possible. In the meantime, Betty confronts Archie over Veronica’s visit. She admits she’s being jealous and feels like a fool. Flashback, Archie ultimately decides not to take anyone to the prom but when she tells Betty she tells him she’s leaving, sick of him not making up his mind. OK, now Archie’s making advances, you pr*ck, and you too are a pr*ck Betty for rescinding.

He heads into the car and it goes out of control whilst the Barber of Seville music plays. Apparently, a guy working for Mr Lodge has taken control of the car and they might do £30 worth of damage. They crash into Reggie’s Gym and of course it gets the judge involved to set his bail. You know this could seriously undermine his reputation as a lawyer. The hearing goes forward over Pops and it’s clear quickly that he has no legal claim to the place. Playground insults fly around as Archie tries to make the moral case and oh god this is hilarious. The judge, because he’s an idiot, says he’ll render his verdict tomorrow.

He has no legal case here; this case would be over in seconds. Anyway, Betty gets Robert to promise something or another. Veronica tries to make a case to her father like a petulant child. And we got a Donald Trump joke because timely. Archie comes by for some reason and takes her away and Mr Lodge tells his minion to try harder. Don’t need to, Archie may well face charges for dangerous driving.

Flash back to Archie coming to Veronica’s house, she is also packing for leaving after graduation. She refused Archie’s offer as it’s the night before the Prom. Archie says then he’ll never leave Riverdale because irony. Forsythe and Jordan or Archie head to a junkyard? Where Forsythe tries to give advice on relationships.

The move begins on a Sunday as the new tenants are moving in a day early for reasons. After more stuff to make everyone cringe more. I see we have only half an hour to go… The pain’s almost over, ah well, I think the father arc is finished. As anyone with half a brain could figure out, the case for Pops ends with the eviction allowed. Reggie says he might be able to convince Mr Lodge to say otherwise if he can put a good word in with Veronica, after all this.

I’ve resisted the urge to use this for a while (actually, I used it 2 weeks back, but details, details) but Reggie

Veronica comes in and kisses Archie because f*cking die already, Veronica. Cut to the funfair from Greece, and there’s some kind of bumper car hockey thing going on, there are so many balls hell if I or anyone else know what’s going on. Archie gives his stick to Betty despite them being on opposing teams because stupid. Robert promises that Archie will die if she blows him another kiss and she does so. Reggie and Robert as a double team smack Archie into the goal, injuring him. Thankfully Moose quickly restores him back to health.

Archie practices speeches in the mirror for how he’s gonna reject Veronica, Betty comes in and also tries to seduce Archie, it’s apparently over with Robert after that stunt. Just to make things awkward Veronica also comes around to seduce him. OK, push them in the room and kill them both of with floodwater. The door knocks again, just to make things even more awkward, it’s Pam, who he drives off with immediately back to Pops.

Forsythe confronts ‘Big Ethel’ who has grown into a woman, I think… Pam tries to talk some sense into Archie about all that’s happened but sadly sense grew out of style in the 90s. She says she wants to meet Betty and Veronica, much to Archie’s panic. Ethel goes to dance with the children… creepy. Betty and Veronica confront Archie but he’s called onto stage to perform. Josie would be so irritated. Robert meets Pam and finds that he’s like minded so naturally and by naturally, I mean totally and utterly contrived-ly, they’re going to end up together in the end.

The Archies play their mediocre song, with Reggie, Betty, Veronica and Forsythe helping out despite the fact I don’t remember any of them being the musical type. Their song is interrupted by the announcement that Pop’s refusing to move and letting the bulldozers drive over him. In the middle of the night, and it looked like it was a complex. Archie tries to call him out of it but when the police arrive everyone daisy-chains together, Pam becomes a jerk suddenly, Robert’s given his marching orders, Archie receives a present ‘from Veronica.’ Veronica confronts her father and ultimately gets him to call off the crew.

Turns out the limo driver is a complete psycho and has given Archie a bomb, which he got from somewhere I’m sure. Everyone evacuates the area except Reggie who’s a pr*ck and gets his gym blown up. Pam leaves with Robert, handing back her engagement ring. Congratulations, Archie, not only are you now single but homeless as well, hope you’re pleased with yourself. And now Archie has to choose between b*tch #1 and b*tch #2 again. Oh, Jordan and Forsythe aren’t leaving for the city either because of bullsh*t reasons. You realise Archie is homeless now, right. And we end with a photo, and Reggie coming in as well.

So, that was Archie: To Riverdale and Back again and what a load of sh*t it was.

For all the attempts to make things feel like the characters are older, they forget one the most crucial elements, have the characters actually grow up. Because despite the superficial elements added to Archie and Betty’s characters both them and Veronica are exactly the same as they were in High School. In High School, it might’ve been seen as charming, but as full grown adults, none of them come across as likeable, well-rounded human beings. Veronica particularly suffers this problem as they don’t try and make her character anything else

Meanwhile we have characters like Jughead who… I don’t know what they thought of the character. You’d think it’d sound like he’s idealistic and reality bit him in the ass but no, Jughead’s more of a cynic. His relationship advice to Archie kinda reminded me of Jughead but everything else… no. And that’s not just me being against Jughead being in a sexual relationship, although I don’t think it fits his character. Neither is him dancing like an old man. I have nothing against the actor, who tragically died in 2002, but this was a terrible script for him.

The kids start off as petulant and end up being non-entities, stupid sh*t with Reggie was incredibly boring as anyone with even half a brain could see who the law would favour. In fact, boring is how I’d describe most of this movie and from a source material that at least could be funny, that’s unforgivable

This movie gives me rage issues!

Perhaps not one of my shouty-est rage reviews but the piles of things wrong with this pilot make a deserve a spot with this format

Rating 45%

OK, so, what’s next?

Oh god, #Prayforme