Guilty Pleasures #37 - The Pirate Movie

Pirates are a fun topic for a movie, swashbuckling, sword fights, exotic locations, everything you could dream for in a movie and one that doesn’t get bogged down by realism. Pirates of the Carribean, whilst far from perfect movies that often get a little too convoluted for their own good, are a shining example of what you can do with it.

Captain Sabretooth was an attempt to market an icon, it fell largely from trying to make the hero the resident good guy, despite the fact he really isn’t.

But then we have the simply titled ‘The Pirate Movie’ which is a movie adaptation of the musical, The Pirates of Penzance. The film had a budget of only $6m (in Australia) and was rushed into production when another adaptation of the play was announced. It wasn’t exactly successful, only managing $9m at the box office, although far more than the film it was rushed to beat. It holds a paltry 9% on rotten tomatoes. So, why is this under guilty pleasures? Let’s take a look.

We open with the opening credits with the first song of the movie. It’s a nice song but the footage is largely irrelevant to the movie. It’s a movie being shown to a crowd, from a cr*ppy television set that no-one would see. The host of the show offers to show the crowd how sword-fighting is done outside of Hollywood, whilst our protagonist, I think, played by Christopher Atkins has women on his arm.

Shot of women’s underwear for no reason as our other protagonist, played by Kristy McNichol, is carrying around a massive stereo for no reason. More bikini shots as they board the ship for the sword fight. The host and Christopher Atkins demonstrate fencing to the crowd. They don’t have names and they’re not really important. Atkins offers a lesson to the women, so random women volunteer Kristy. Seriously, as far as I can tell they have no relationship whatsoever. Her name is Mabel and everybody in the crowd knows it, somehow…

He gives her a lesson if you can call it that and offers to take her out on the boat to search for treasure or something, and then says to invite a few of her friends. Look, none of this is important, let’s just brush aside that this is practically the stupidest thing in existence. So, the girls board the boat whilst Mabel is collecting product placement. The girls, being pr*cks, take the product placement but leave her behind, with Atkins being powerless to stop them for some reason. She doesn’t take it lying down and sails after them but the winds kick up and she falls into the water. All of this is a framing device for the play. Trying to explain the random musical numbers and some of the more ludicrous elements.

Yes, this is self-insert fan-fiction but we begin this dream on the pirate ship. Where some fighting is going on between two rival pirate groups. It’s not important, don’t worry about it, although it is strange that Mabel isn’t the star of her own dream. Our protagonist here is Frederick and he just scared someone off with a dog noise. The pirate rivals retreat and more sailing takes place. Time for another song. I am the Pirate King sung primary by the Pirate Captain, played by Ted Hamilton.

Frederick seems subdued. He’s turned 21 and his apprenticeship with the pirates has expired. He says he must leave them forever to devote himself to their extermination after pirates caused the death of his family. So many questions, questions that if I recall are answered in the play. But first question. Why not keep working for them and discreetly sabotage their efforts? You’ve just declared yourself their enemy!

Oh, and apparently at the age of 21, he’s only now going through puberty if his dialogue is to be believed? Now, any decent pirate would attempt to kill him after such a revelation but nope, they’re not going to. They de-sword him and well, they do make him walk the plank, but they give him a boat.

Meanwhile a massive crowd of girls sing their way down to the beach. One of them wonders about Mabel, who in contrast to the opening, is wearing more provocative clothing than the rest of them. And by provocative, I mean not provocative in the slightest. They enter the quick-change tent and sing a song like a group of cheerleaders.

One of the pirate maids, Ruth, brings Frederick his shoes as he wonders what a beautiful girl is. They hear the awful song and he looks through a telescope, which naturally produces a still image despite them being on a rocky boat. Followed by an erection joke. This movie is rated PG. Frederic jumps and swims in fast-forward towards the shore. He arrives and the girls run away, screaming that he’s a pirate. He sort-of convinces them as they stare at him from within the tent.

Mabel arrives on the beach as a song plays in a background and they lay eyes on each other. They walk slowly towards each other. They run together and this is enough to establish a romantic bond. He does share a shell with her. The weird part is they don’t show them singing initially, they only start singing faded in with a video of the waves. They also begin riding horses they pulled out of their asses. They kiss but this is weird since this scene happens just after they meet.

What a sucky co-incidence, the pirates seem to be heading their way. Frederic explains his story which gets Mabel incredibly excited despite everything really. Mabel even says ‘god that was a short love scene’ dunno if that’s supposed to be mocking the play or whether it’s just trying to cover its own incompetence. But there’s some custom in her family meaning that the elder daughters must marry first or some sh*t. To get out they must see her father, the Major General.

The pirates arrive, with a bell to mark it, which Frederic doesn’t recognise and thinks it might be wedding bells. The pirates land, wanting to kidnap the daughters for sexual purposes. This must the first pirate movie I’ve seen that puts rape before pillage. Just to remind you, PG movie. Frederic goes to The Pirate King to stop him but only now realises his sword has been taken and is shoved aside. Thought you might’ve noticed that when you were swimming at inhuman speeds.

Mabel disarms the Pirate King with her fencing sword, he uses his scabbard to block her further attacks. The Pirate King procures a dagger and ultimately wins out, until she mentions that her father is a Major General. The Major General arrives and what does he do first? Well, sing of course? I… It’s a brilliant song and I credit anyone who can remember that lyrics that fast. It’s probably not the best singing and there are references not in the original song.

“I’m older than the beetles but younger than the rolling stones?” Really? Anyway, with that fully choreographed routine over, it’s revealed that Pirates of Penzance stole their family’s fortune many years ago, in fact their last score was many years ago. The General claims to be an orphan and because of policy bullsh*t the pirates decide to leave. The Major General says that customs irrelevant, she can’t marry Frederic, he’s a ‘pirate person’ and of course, poor. Mabel suggests that maybe he could steal the riches from the pirates, that would put him back in favour.

The plan begins and naturally Frederick is dressed down to a loin cloth. They board the ship and only now does Frederic reveal that the treasure fell overboard on some reef and only the Pirate King has a map, tattooed on his back. Frederick gets something to write on as Mabel uses her attractiveness to make him take shirt off. He actually falls for this, despite recognising her and Frederick gets the map. He also drilled a hole in the ship to make it sink, leaving some foam things so everyone survives. Does he want their extermination or not?

Now for the section at the reef. I won’t lie to you, it looks bad, really really bad, and they have animated fish. They could’ve spent the money needed to animate the fish making the whole section look less sh*t. Oh and there’s another song, Pumpin’ and Blowin’ It looks bad for Frederic too, his helmet must be leaking, there was water in there.

So after the recovery we get a joke from a looney tunes cartoon and we find that the Modern Major General has no army. So Frederic must do so in his stead because he’s not a very good modern Major General. He says he’ll ride straight away but ultimately falls off his horse. I think he might need a Doctor, he strained his back in the last scene, this cannot be healthy. But before he can do anything else the Pirate King has his gun to him. He escapes and smashes through a window.

Ruth is now a library for some reason. Fencing lessons begin. Rolling down stairs, suddenly on the roof. Not on the roof, 4 smashed candles, one decapitated bust, forced into a coffin. Magic trick escape. Chandelier. Then Frederick gets a message from Obi-Wan Kenobe and his sword turns into a lightsaber. What. The. Hell?! He disarms The Pirate King but we get the twist of the movie. His contract of apprenticeship with the pirates, it was until his 21^st birthday but since he was born on a leap year, he’s only 5 and a ¼. Actually, most leaplings, as they’re called... somewhere I'm sure, would celebrate their birthday on the 28^th February or 1^st March, he’s 21, f*ck this logic.

Since Frederick is a moron of magnitudes unknown to science, his sense of duty compels him to stay with the now homeless pirates. What? Their ship sank. There’s no getting away from that. He tells the Pirate King that the treasure is hidden here and that he’s raising an army. Actually, technically you were to do that. He asks for an hour to say goodbye to Mabel, The Pirate King says he plans to march on the castle and take all the women. I’m pretty sure the play addresses the whole orphan issue this decides to gloss over.

“How can I live without her” is the next song as Frederic says goodbye to Mabel, she accuses him and the Pirate King of being gay. I have no words for this. This was 1982, it’s set in the 1880s. Then we get the kick down the establishment speech or something, but Frederic seems to have lost all his braincells under the revelation of that contract. And only 5 minutes after the last one, here’s another song. “Hold on” it’s another decent song, decently sang.

Mabel goes to her father, who’s high and drunk and decides to and lead the armies herself. This can only end badly. “Terantula” the next song, with the most ridiculous dance routine I’ve seen since Mamma Mia.  Mabel arrives but she’s dismissed as you’d expect. The Inspector arrives and speaks in a French accent because this movie wants to be racially insensitive. Penis joke 2 as the police find out that they pirates kill cops. They run off in fast-forward and hide behind a tree but are soon found.

The pirates begin their assault with yet another song. The colour filters change and it’s suddenly night time. With the pirates literally bearing down the door we get some cr*ppy jokes. The Pirate King is let in through Looney Tunes Gag and… sexual shadows. You know, for kids. Frederic finds Mabel in an armoured suit for some reason and has more kisses before the Pirate King calls him back to his duty. The police are hiding like cowards.

Mabel somehow teleports to the top of the library stairs and joins the fight there, the police prove pointless and the battle ends in a school gymnasium. The fight goes, police are hurt in every direction and ‘comedy’ ensues. There’s a scene about police brutality followed immediately by a policeman knocked out by the Pirate King weightlifting. Consistency is not a forte, there’s a ninja and Indiana Jones and pies starting coming because this movie decided to be Bugsy Malone.

Mabel and Frederick end up with swords crossed, she stabs him but ends up surrounded but the Modern Major General arrives on horseback. The filters change and suddenly Mabel decides it’s her dream and she wants a happy ending, a full 18 years before Alice tried it in Alice in Wonderland. Everyone cheers, Frederic is knighted, he and Mabel can be married and she decides to shake the custom by pairing everyone off, she’s pairing off her sisters with raping pirates, even the Pirate King ends up with Ruth. And with some cr*ppy special effects it’s time for the final song. “Happy Ending” yeah… this one isn’t from the play. It’s honestly not necessary either, the play’s ending was just fine. I don’t get the need to change it to this.

So Mabel wakes up, washed up on a beach somewhere and Atkins arrives and kisses her. She asks if his name is Frederic and after more kissing he says it isn’t. They get married off-screen and… are you sure this isn’t part of the dream? Some balloons fly in the air and the credits roll.

So, that was the Pirate Movie. Is it good? No, it’s incredibly dated and tells of a very disturbed young woman to be dreaming about this sh*t. Bear in mind we only saw them watching a pirate battle. There’s no indication they were watching the Pirates of Penzance, so where did all these ideas and songs come from. Then there’s the fact she’s the secondary character. This was clearly Frederic’s story, except maybe near the end. It also strays from the play in ways that ultimately devalue the product and destroy certain motivations. (For the record, I’ve never seen the play, I’m judging by Wikipedia summaries)

But honestly, I actually like this movie. The singing is pretty good, it’s light-hearted and funny and for what budget they had to work with, it could’ve been a lot worse. Atkins and McKinol have decent chemistry, and there are some surprisingly good bits of action, despite the stupid Star Wars sh*t at the end.

Rating -38%