#47 - Sequel Month - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Please Note: This review was written before the announcement of Zack and Deborah Snyder stepping away from Justice League to cope with the loss of their daughter. I wish them all the best, however, I'm commenting on a product, and this product sucks!

It’s Sequel Month!

And enough of the mediocrity, let’s get into the pure sh*t. This is Batman v Superman – Dawn of Depression.

Released in March last year, this movie fell short of expectations for a movie that combines DC’s 2 most popular characters, arguably the two most popular characters in comics overall. If Iron Man 3 could reach a billion dollars in the box office, what stopped this? That’s not to say it did poorly exactly, it made over $800m but the scathing reviews, but holding only a 28% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and the fact a lot was spent on marketing this movie to the point where this movie only barely made a profit, and considering the enormous $250m spent on the movie anyway.

Zack Snyder original tease for this movie had me exceptionally worried. The Dark Knight Returns is a good story, from a time when Frank Miller could actually write coherent stories. But to take inspiration from this for Batman and Superman’s first meeting struck me as odd, especially given the themes of that book.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment, I’ll be going over the Ultimate edition of the movie, which is around 3 hours long. This is purportedly the one with the most complete story but I will say now, 3 hours is too long for a movie, whether it be Titanic, Avatar or Batman v. Superman; apparently, it got an R Rating in the US too, even though in the UK, it sits still at the equivalent of PG-13.

Lets dive in

OK, I’ll say this in its favour, the Blu-Ray menu I’m watching looks like actual effort was put into it, unlike a lot of WB DVD releases which follow a standardised pattern and just look awful.

We open with a recap of Batman’s origin story, for the maybe 5 people who don’t already know it. So, any differences? Well, Bruce has long hair for some reason and being a Zack Snyder movie the deaths themselves are more graphic, why this to me implies more of an assassination. otherwise, why is Bruce left alive? Way I understand, it the guy was just a thief who panicked and ran once he realised what he’d done but someone like that wouldn’t put their gun through Martha’s necklace. Bruce runs into the woods during the funeral and falls into a Bat Cave, we won’t be seeing the bat-cave again for the entire movie.

Apparently, the whole bat thing was a dream, there’ll be a fair bit of that in this movie. OK, so we cut to Metropolis during the events of Man of Steel, Bruce Wayne is dropped off by helicopter for some reason, seriously if he has any security whatsoever they would’ve stopped this. He tells his confident in Metropolis to get their men out of the building, and given they’re in sight of the devastating world engine thing, this advice should’ve come a long while ago. So Bruce, who for some reason is driving himself, drives through exceptionally dangerous roads extremely dangerously as a ship crashes through the buildings above him. He stops with a nearby crowd as the world engine is destroyed. He begins heading towards his building on foot, his confident hasn’t evacuated yet for some reason and the building is being destroyed by heat vision because of the battle between Zod and Superman. Bruce heads in to find a line of school children being lead away. Bruce finds an employee, Wallace, who has his legs stuck underneath a metal girder, and rescues him.

OK, so this is a decent scene, but what was the point of it? Well, Wallace will turn up later but I think the biggest reason this scene is in the movie is so Zack Snyder can tell people. “You see! All the destruction during the Zod fight, we had a plan for it all along, you can shut up about it now!” You might remember if you read my previous review, my issue isn’t with Superman’s fight having collateral damage, that happens often, but the fact he did nothing to keep the fight away from the crowds. This doesn’t help, if anything it makes this problem even worse.

Bruce saves a small girl about to be crushed, but finds out her mother died as we see even more destruction raining from the skies above. Right, that was pleasant. If you’re not feeling depressed yet, don’t worry, there’s still time.

18 months later we see a couple of divers looking at the wreckage of the second world engine in the Indian ocean. They find a fragment of green meteorite although why Zod would have this on his world engine is questionable. Cut to Nairomi where Lois Lane is about to have an interview, along for the ride is ‘photographer’ Jimmy Olsen. Jimmy asks how she landed an interview with Amajagh and… that’s actually a very good question. They’re bagged and taken to Amajagh. Lois’ first question ‘Are you a terrorist, General?’ this is an incredibly dumb question.

He has a bunch of security contractors for his protection during his country’s civil war. The leader of the group discovers Olsen’s camera has a tracker in it and he’s shot. Jimmy Olsen, the second beloved character from the comics to meet his end in this cinematic universe. So, the CIA make the next logical move, blow the whole place to high heaven. The contractors begin killing Amajagh’s men so Amajagh uses her as hostage. They burn the bodies and evacuate before the drone makes its move.

Before the drone can strike, Superman blows up the missile and the drone, he comes in and rescues Lois, what happened to Amajagh remains unclear. The CIA agents come in and they find Amajagh’s men burned to a crisp. The women survivors testify before a bunch of senators, making it seem like Superman was responsible for the murders, what's worse that is with Amajagh’s defeat, the government stormed the village, showing no mercy, aside from the fact she’s still alive. Just one question, I know she’s lying but if the drone had struck, it would’ve killed all of them anyway, so what difference did Superman being there actually make?

We’re introduced to Senator Finch, who will be playing the part of Patsy for her part of the movie. Also, we’ll get some pseudo-philosophical bullsh*t that’s there to make this movie sound deeper than it actually is. This is a frequent thing in the movie.  

Meanwhile two cops in Gotham City are watching some American football, but are interrupted by a call about something, I’m not even sure what. The two cops enter the abandoned house and find a batarang, they head into the basement and find a bunch of imprisoned women saying ‘it’ saved them. He tries to let them out but they’re too scared ‘it’ is still here. The police follow the sound of screaming. The police find a guy named Cesar chained to the radiator. One of the cops sees Batman and starts shooting, but Batman escapes using CGI. They find that Cesar has been branded with the bat-logo.

Lois arrives home, shaken up by the events of what happened, she finds a piece of bullet lodged in a book and sits in the bath, thinking about it. Clark Kent arrives home with Lois spouting out some more pseudo-philosophy. Being a hero comes with a cost, there needs to be accountability. I’ve summed up in two sentences what the movie has done in the last 10 minutes. Rest assured, we’ve not reached the end of that.

Of course, Super-sex sorts out all that problems as we cut to the not batcave, and we’re introduced to one of the best parts of the movie, Jeremy Irons as Alfred. He’s constructing new bat-armour with a robo-cop voice modulator for good measure. It says something when the voice modulator on Arrow sounds more dignified. Anyway, he asks Bruce about the branding and we get the ‘we are criminals’ part from the Dark Knight Returns, *sigh*

He didn’t get anything he wanted from Cesar, too low down the chain. His next target is Anatoli Knyazev, the guy who was in Nairomi who headed the security contractors. He believes he will lead him to ‘someone’ called the White Portuguese, someone who purportedly wants to bring a dirty bomb into Gotham.

And we immediately cut to the worst part of this movie. Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, sorry Lex Luthor Jr, like it really matters. Anyway, honestly, I could have bought Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor, he often has a holier than thou demeanour that’s classic Lex, a guy who thinks and to an extent is, smarter than everyone else. In this, he’s… well he’s smart, I guess, but he also acts like a crazed lunatic, who on earth thought this the right characterisation for Superman’s greatest foe. Although, it says something that he’s a greater version of the Joker than Jared Leto.

Senator Finch and two others approach Luthor as he’s playing basketball, known activity for people about to enter a meeting. Apparently, Luthor’s crew discovered a small slither of Kryptonite in Metropolis from the world engine and discovered it could damage to Zod’s cells, concluding it could also do the same to Superman’s. He asks for an import license to bring in this radioactive element to forge into weaponry to use against Superman and potentially other meta-humans.

He manages to gain access to the wreckage of the ship thanks to one council men and some jolly ranchers... I’m not even kidding. He enters, notably not wearing the same suits the others are near the ship. Lex also gets Zod’s body for some reason and begins extracting his fingerprints. He also literally shoves a cherry sweet down the senator’s face. This portrayal of Lex Luthor, and I don’t care about the Jr they put in front of it, is so insultingly awful, it alone is enough for me not to like this movie.

So, Superman watches the woman from earlier try to ask him how he decides which lives matter. This is pointless, let’s move on. Someone has assembled lots of newspaper clippings about Superman, he goes to the statue of Superman they have for some reason, and begins to deface it despite the fact he doesn’t have use of his legs. Yeah, it’s Wallace from earlier, he’s arrested, but not after some more pathetic symbolism.

Clark is sent to Gotham to cover sports, with a headline already attached, rather an odd way to run a newspaper but whatever. In this version of the DCU, Gotham and Metropolis are literally across the river from one another. That’s honestly a really stupid decision but moving on. Clark visits the apartment where the woman who testified lives but she hasn’t been seen, and there’s some murmuring about Batman, who Clark has never heard of.

We cut to Bruce Wayne very suspiciously in fighting arena. Bruce talks to Anatoly briefly, whilst he manages to clone his phone. Clark asks why they aren’t covering Batman in their paper. Vigilante justice, which is basically what you do except for one thing. WE HAVEN’T ACTUALLY SEEN YOU DO IT YET! Seriously, is there a reason we haven’t seen Superman foil a bank robbery or stop a super-villain? Or is that just too unrealistic in a world with a flying, strong, laser-shooting alien in it!              

Perry dismisses it, Lois comes in and says her bullet is a prototype military round not sold commercially or on the black market. She asks for 2 days in DC to investigate further which Perry allows. Meanwhile Perry delivers to Clark some party assignment that Clark was specifically requested to cover. Meanwhile, Senator Finch approaches Lex and tells him she’s going to block is import. Lex decides to spew more philosophical bullsh*t. There’s a line about taking p*ss and calling it peach tea. This is so disgusting of course it’s going to be a plot point

Bruce heads to his parent’s grave site with flowers and sees blood coming out of the coffins, more bats attack and it’s another dream.

  

And even in daylight they find a way to make the scenery look dark. Bright colours are not your enemy! They found mentions of Lex Luthor in the phone records, Alfred tells Bruce he has an invite to Lex’s house. Bruce stares at the bat-suit for some reason, then moves onto the incredibly dark Robin suit which has Joker writing on it. Jared Leto killed Jason Todd, this move hurts in hindsight.

But enough of ‘daylight,’ back to night time at the Gala, where Clark Kent has no idea who Bruce Wayne is because he’s been living with his fingers in his ears. Lex comes on to make his speech and there’s another woman there. Bruce begins sneaking out of the room, following instructions from Alfred, Clark indicates that he can hear them too. Bruce inserts a device into the wiring to download some info but it takes 7 minutes and people are already suspicious.

Lex finishes his sh*tty speech and Clark and Bruce talk, Bruce rightfully says that it’s a bit hypocritical for them to hate on Batman when the praise the ever-loving sh*t out of Superman. Although the hypocrisy is two-sided, don’t get me wrong. Lex Luthor interrupts and… Has Lex met Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne before? If not, this would be very awkward.

Clark hears Alfred tell Bruce the transfer is done and follows but is distracted by a report of a fire in Mexico and, are you f*cking kidding me, it’s Day of the Dead? When isn’t it Day of the Dead in Mexico? Batman finds his device is missing, stolen by the woman a woman in a red dress. Superman rescues a girl from the fire and everyone reaches out to him because

We follow that by a montage of Superman saving people whilst News reporters and interviewees spout the same stuff that we’ve seen since the original congressional hearing, whilst adding more religious imagery. 

Bothered by all the news, Superman calls his mother. You know, I realise something, you know what one of the first things Superman did in the animated series was, he asked for an interview, got his voice heard and told people his mission statement, this is an issue that goes back to Man of Steel, as are quite a few that I’m bringing up here.

Lois gets the bullets analysed with a scientist friend. Meanwhile Clark looks online and finds out that criminals with the Bat-Brand are being killed in Prison. Meanwhile Wallace, who incidentally lives at the same complex Clark visited earlier, gets released from prison by Lex Luthor, who gives him a new wheelchair and sends him to senator Finch, who wants to stand before Superman

Meanwhile, Anatoly talks to a prisoner about taking care of something, he’s responsible for taking out the criminals with the Bat Brand. So, Clark hasn’t been doing his job properly and hasn’t listened to a word Bruce said. 

Anyway, we have a guy argue that Clark is American because of the red and blue costume and the fact he has an S on his chest? Are you f*cking serious? S could be ½ of USSR just as easily, for that matter, yellow is also present on Superman’s costume, not on the US Flag, so shut up!

We cut to some museum exhibit, the curator shows the woman from earlier the sword of Alexander. As she admires it, Bruce confronts her about the stolen drive. She was looking for a photo, but unfortunately didn’t find it as the data is encrypted, she’s left it for Bruce to decipher.

Bruce begins doing so, and it’s time for another pointless dream sequence. This time he has a gun which bar some original stories in the Golden is the antithesis of everything Batman. Yes, Batman did use a gun in the Dark Knight Returns and a few other extreme emergencies, but here he’s carrying it as part of his arsenal. It’s a world ravaged by war and is basically Apokolips. Batman and his crew have recovered some kryptonite but he’s betrayed and militia are all over him, killing most of his allies in seconds. God, it’s nice to see some action, even if it is Batman shooting people without cause. Also, parademons. We see the militia are wearing superman symbols and Batman is soon captured.

Superman arrives as his militia bows before him, he kills the other two strung up with Batman, It’s implied that Batman has either killed or kidnapped Lois. Then to make things more confusing, he wakes up with the Flash telling him that Lois was the key and Batman was always right about ‘him’ I’m going to go out on a Limb here and say he didn’t mean Superman. He says he was too soon before Bruce wakes up again. Well, that killed time, and my patience, what was the point of this scene again?

Oh, the data’s decrypted. Clark receives a letter with a newspaper cutting from a Gotham Newspaper and a series of photos about Batman’s execution of criminals. Bruce finds the White Portuguese, a ship that’s carrying a Kryptonite sample. He plans to steal it and weaponise to use against Superman. I get it, this version of Batman is supposed to be broken after the death of Jason Todd, and even more so having seen, first hand, the destruction in Metropolis but Batman’s greatest strength is that he endures. Murder should NEVER be Batman’s first solution to a problem.

I’m not the biggest fan of Burton’s casual murdering Batman, Schumacher’s camp to the extreme Batman or Nolan’s I won’t kill but that doesn’t mean I have to save you Batman in terms of how they portray the character but this is worse to me, and there is more coming. Kent goes to the police, asking what happened to Cesar but he gets no answer, but his ‘wife’ and child are there and here we have a prime example of why I don’t like Batman killing indiscriminately. He was a father, a child, younger than even Bruce was has lost his father because of Batman, a man whose ultimate mission statement is to ensure no-one goes through what he did.

Cut to the White Portuguese, and it’s night again, there are plenty of people working at the docks who may well be legitimate LexCorp employees, not just Anatoly’s mercs for hire. Batman is atop a vantage point with a rifle that shoots something on the van door. Batman pursues the transport in the Batmobile, ramming a car and using it and the people inside like a missile to take out the other car. He then begins killing people with the Batmobile’s weapons.

I’ll give it this, guns notwithstanding, I like the look of the Batmobile. Another car crashed into an oil tanker later and the Batmobile has ripped through the truck, even rockets don’t seem to be able to stop it but Superman is now on the scene, with the Batmobile doing no damage to him whatsoever. Pretty sure the whiplash alone would’ve killed Batman. MSuperman tells Batman to disappear, rather than attempting to arrest the guy you would’ve seen blatantly murdering people. Superman and fighting crime, go together like chalk and cheese.

What’s left of the Batmobile travels into the not Batcave with Bruce ready to search for the transponder he planted onto the truck earlier. It’s at the LexCorp research park. Lois hands a senator the bullet to analyse. Senator Finch publicly calls for Superman to come and state his intentions publicly. He goes to his mother, naturally, and we get another one of these conversations that brings me back to the flaw with how Superman was handled in Man of Steel. In the comics, it’s his upbringing that defines who he is, but here neither his mother or his father seem to ever teach him to be a good person.

You know why I’m harping on this, and why it’s such a huge problem. There’s next to no differences between Superman and Batman in terms of ideology. Superman doesn’t stand for light and hope in this universe. We haven’t even really ever seen him fight crime. Batman’s portrayal is more accurate in that respect but the fact they’ve made Superman darker and more violent means they’ve had to do the same to Batman, and Batman is already at the limit at how dark and violent he should be. Martha’s speech here is ok as a parent but as someone who inspires Superman, it couldn’t really be worse.

Now, we see a return of the woman who made her testimonial earlier, she sees Anatoly and decides to stay on the bus another stop, she begs to see Senator Finch, saying she did not tell him the truth. The other senator tells Lois the bullet was developed by LexCorp, and she puts the pieces together we kinda figured out a while ago. 

Bruce Wayne sees that Wallace is about to testify and is worried. Lois tries to get the paper to run the story but Perry won’t without tangible evidence. Apparently, the woman from earlier was paid to falsely testify that her parents were murdered and in fact they’re still alive. Of course, Lex Luthor arrives at the hearing.

Bruce is told the cheques the victim’s fund had been sending to Wallace had been rejected with messages left on all of them. Superman arrives at the Senate. Anatoly pushes the woman into the path of an oncoming train. Superman enters the Capitol Building, ready to give his message. But Senator Finch discovers a jar of ‘Peach Tea’ before everything explodes thanks to a bomb in Wallace’s wheelchair. The Ultimate Edition explains how Superman didn’t detect it, but that comes with its own issues. We are only half way through this movie, folks. Superman gets the injured out of the building, what few there are, a lot of bodies in this one. You depressed yet?

Lex Luthor arrives to a situation at his labs, lots of injured people being carried out thanks to Batman. He has now stolen the kryptonite. I also love how he took out the guard there, look like the Arkham games. Superman feels guilty that he didn’t see the bomb, he talks to Lois so he can mope some more. Because Superman is all about moping and feeling sorry for himself.

Meanwhile Lex uses Zod’s fingerprints to access the kryptonian ship and enter some water or something. He activates the computer, taking command and gaining knowledge from the kryptonian databanks. Bruce begins exercising as he begins forging the kryptonite into weapons, including a gas grenade. He accesses Luthor’s metahuman archives from the deleted data, finding pictures and footage of the woman, dating back to the first world war. I quite like her theme music.

Lex Luthor has control of the ship and brings Zod’s body into the water, he cuts himself, adding his own blood to Zod’s genetic material, in an attempt to create a new hybrid. Now the news thinks Superman was involved in the attack. Question 1 and only really, you have a being who could destroy the entire building and everyone in it before even resorting to heat vision, why would he use a bomb, you morons. Anyway, they’re now chanting ‘burn him’ because this film hasn’t done enough to make you depressed yet.

Clark has headed to somewhere to do something whilst police have found much planted evidence to implicate Wallace in the creation of the bombs, and despite the fact he publicly hates Superman, they still think Superman could’ve been responsible. Lois somehow gets into an active crime scene and does a little digging of her own. She discovers that Wallace had recently purchased groceries, her contact finds the wheelchair was made from the same metal as the bullet and the bomb was surrounded by a lead lining so superman couldn’t see it.

OK, so question answered, but new question. When, in the cinematic universe, was Superman’s inability to see through lead ever established? How did Luthor know!? That is a question I will be getting to more often in due course. So, Superman somehow has visions with his father, not sure what the scene at the bottom of the mountain (left out of the original cut) even established. His first story is there to make you even more depressed, in fact this entire scene is like that.

Bruce heads to the wreck of Wayne Manor because Lord knows there’s not been enough moping. Bruce calls him killing Superman his legacy and f*ck you Zack Snyder 3 times over with a sharp pitchfork.

Martha is taking out trash at the restaurant she works at but is pursued and kidnapped. Batman prepares his fight, a kryptonite spear in the ground and a bat signal in the sky. Lucky it’s Gotham, where it’s never sunny and always raining. Luthor sees and makes a call. Lois is soon set upon by Anatoly and his goons. She’s brought to the top of LexCorp and meets Lex, who pushes her off a building to draw Superman in. He catches her, drops her off and confronts Lex. He knows who Superman and who Batman is, all off screen and god knows how.

So, Lex’s plan to get Superman and Batman to fight is erm… convoluted and unnecessary. Seriously, Batman was already pretty much sold on fighting Superman, regardless of Lex’s convoluted bullsh*t, meanwhile Superman’s motivation for fighting Batman is his mother’s been kidnapped, so why make any effort to make Superman hate Batman? That’s what Luthor was doing killing Bat branded criminals and what did the incident in the desert and again in the Capitol building accomplish? Next to nothing! Oh, and Superman has super-vision and speed, he could’ve easily found his mother in an hour, and it’s not like the place was lead lined.

So, it’s nearly 2 hours into the movie and it’s finally time for what the title actually promised. Batman v Superman. But first we see that there’s unusual activity at the kryptonian ship. Diana, the woman who stole Bruce’s files receives a message, he’s worked out that she is indeed the woman from the photograph. He’s sent the entire file on meta-humans to her and we get brief glimpses of the Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman.

Superman and Bruce stare down, Bruce activates his traps but Superman easily overcomes them in a fight that is very Dark Knight Returns, you know the difference though, in that movie he’d had years studying Superman as a close friend and ally, knowing him well enough to be able to identify weaknesses like high pitched frequencies. Still, anything to break up the monotony with actual action. Superman breathes in some of the kryptonite gas and is at least briefly on the same level physically as Batman.

Naturally at this point Batman kicks his ass. But magically Superman recovers, doesn’t he need sunlight for that? And starts fighting back, pushing him through the building, towards the spear. Bruce uses more gas which in the time it took him to activate it he could’ve easily been disarmed and with Clark down again, Bruce gives him everything, including the kitchen sink. He tosses Superman to the ground, where the spear is, he ties to rope around Superman’s leg and tosses him around and spouts more philosophical bullsh*t. Lois, having commandeered a helicopter arrives at the scene as Batman is about to finish him off.

And I think we all know what’s about to happen, the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard spoken in movies. Superman tells Batman he’s letting ‘him’ kill Martha, this pretty much ends the entire battle. It’s not a temporary truce, nor is it him deciding that it’s better to save a human life than end an alien, it’s literally “this instantly erases all hatred” F*CK OFF! Yes, I know Bruce Wayne’s mother is called Martha. This’d be a fine way to establish a connection between them but not here, not like this. Lois finishes the job perhaps but still, too stupid for words!

Bruce tosses the spear away as the distortion around the ship becomes worse and time is running out for Martha. Batman agrees to find Martha as Superman goes to the Kryptonian ship to stop Lex. He takes the Batplane and because Alfred is awesome they’ve tracked Anatoly’s phone to the port and can find her in seconds.

Seconds later Batman arrives and begins killing people, lovely. I will say this, we’re about to see the best action scene of the movie. Batman is dropped on the floor below the 24 armed thugs holding Martha. It’s a great fight as he bursts through the floor and takes them on. He kills a few but not all, still irritating and we see that suit is bulletproof, something actually rare in Batman movies. The end is another bit from the Dark Knight Returns, not a part I’m a fan of really but desperate times.

With Luthor told of his loss, Luthor unleashes his latest creation. “Doomsday” I can’t even, what is that CGI abomination. Superman fights the thing, I can’t call it Doomsday, I just can’t, that thing is insult to Doomsday. It has Superman on the ropes. The military begin to engage it. Diana sees the news broadcast on the plane somehow. The thing takes out the military by, exploding with electric rage. OK, since when did Doomsday have electric powers, why would Doomsday need electric powers? He’s nigh unstoppable!

Anyway, Superman tries to take him into space because he actually kinda learned from Man of Steel but the US, brain trusts that they are, decide to launch a nuke at them both, you know the in moment they’re referencing in the Dark Knight Returns, it made sense and wasn’t during the middle of the battle. The thing lands on a conveniently uninhabited section of Metropolis, Superman is nowhere to be found. And it’s very much alive, projecting another energy burst. Superman is in space, somewhere.

The Batplane approaches the thing but it has heat vision now too because of course it does. Batman realises it’s Kryptonian and a kryptonite weapon could kill it. He has one round of gas and the spear is back in Gotham. Knowing he can’t let the beast rampage out of control he decides to lure it to the spear, in a populated city, great. Oh, and it can fly now, did Zack Snyder even read a comic with Doomsday in it? Superman is recharged by the sun as it shoots down the Batplane. Fortunately, it’s time for our guest star to make her first in-costume appearance. 2 and a half hours into the movie! Can I mention how kick-ass Wonder Woman's theme is.

Batman is protected and Superman charges it into a big explosion. Lois, knowing telepathically I guess that the spear can kill the creature, goes into the water she threw the spear in earlier. The port is apparently abandoned so no casualties here either. It goes sparky sparky boom and begins sending rubble into the water where Lois is swimming. Superman and Wonder Woman double team on it but Lois is trapped, Superman hears her and comes to her rescue, she didn’t even have the spear, Superman dives for that too.

Batman barely avoids it as Superman brings the spear to the surface, Lois throws it onto the battlefield, and Superman sees that they’re barely holding their own. Superman grabs the spear as Wonder Woman binds it with her lasso and Batman hits him with his last kryptonite gas grenade, but it manages to stab Superman too. It is killed, but Superman is dead too.

Couldn’t have an iconic story-line and not tag it on, could you? The Death of Superman is a f*cking special story that needed justice done to it. It was the ultimate battle of brute force, Superman had to give everything to win, this just felt like a cheat. Plus, his death had that much more meaning because he’d accomplished so much, saved the Earth so many times and he had many friends and allies that mourned him.

US military descend into Zod’s ship and capture Lex Luthor, who was making contact with the alien Steppenwolf. Luthor has his hair shaven, so he kind of looks like Lex Luthor and he’s sent away. The Daily planet run a memorial piece on Superman and Clark Kent. Shops and businesses are closed in a day of mourning, many stop by the Kent farm to pay their respects, quite a spread is laid on. Martha speaks to Lois, giving her a parcel meant for her, a wedding ring. Oh, come on, that’s just rubbing salt in the wound. Look, we all know Superman won’t stay dead.

Bagpipes at a funeral, is this Kansas or Scotland? Superman’s burial gains maximum attention, he was sort of a war hero so it’s fitting. He’s put to rest in the place he grew up, with his symbol and the American flag. Apparently, an anonymous donor *cough*BruceWayne*cough* took care of the funeral costs, he and Diana are watching from afar. The failed him in life but with Superman gone the others have to stand ago and it’s a semi-optimistic speech from Bruce Wayne, more optimistic than anything Superman said in the entire movie. Or the last one. Bruce has a feeling they’re going to need to fight.

We cut to whatever prison they’re holding Luthor in, Batman confronts him, telling him he’s being sent to Arkham Asylum, the most escaped prison in history. Luthor doesn’t care, warning that ‘he is coming’ and spending the rest of the movie going ding! Back at the graveyard, Lois drops the first handful of soil on the coffin, she walks away and we see a few specs begin to rise.

So, at nearly 3 goddamn hours, that was Batman vs Superman, how was it? Too f*cking long

But seriously, this not bereft of goodness, Ben Affleck, for the all controversy around his casting makes a kickass Batman, Gal Godot was a decent Wonder Woman and I cannot tell you how much I like Jeremy Irons as Alfred. There is also that action piece at the docks, stunning work showing this Batman is strong.

Where did it go wrong? Well, with just about everything else, really. Lois Lane doesn’t do anything important in the entire movie. She worked out a puzzle we’d already pieced together because of the connection to Anatoly and that the box was lead lined, which really didn’t affect anything in the end.

In terms of pacing, it’s so slow for the first 2 hours as Lex Luthor enacts his needlessly complicated plan, Superman mopes for most of the movie, Batman prepares to kill, Lois does nothing of consequence and pointless dream sequences occur. This script needed to be condensed, rub out some of the pointless stuff, condense what you can but don’t be stupid in the editing room and cut out important plot points.

Character-wise, you know full well I don’t approve of Batman killing. I at least get it when it’s someone like the Joker but when it’s a henchman, that’s where I draw the line. Wonder Woman is not well defined in this movie, but she has a movie of her own coming out which can help with that (and it did). But the biggest issue is Superman himself. Superman spends far too much of this movie moping and not enough of it doing literally anything else. Erase Clark Kent from the movie and little would change? Almost nothing. And again, Superman needs to fight crime, thwart a bank robbery, something. Don’t have every battle he’s in be a miserable time where half the city gets nuked.

Speaking of miserable times, that’s pretty much this entire movie. There’s little levity or humour to be found, colours that aren’t dark or in shadow seem muted or blurred. Plus, it’s just the way they handle the subject matters of power, responsibility and sacrifice. It doesn’t help that a lot of it is played out as part of Lex Luthor’s plan but the hearing was a perfect opportunity for Superman to try and spread a little opposite but no, we get Luthor peeing in a jar and bomb hidden in a wheelchair.

Superman is supposed to be a bright light to Batman’s dark edge, making them polar opposites in ideology, that’s what puts them against each other but they’re the same in many ways too, compassion for human life, a dedication not to stand by and let innocent people die. This is the biggest miss, and I see it as a problem rooted in Man of Steel.

This movie has great moments but the cr*p pushed upon them makes this among the most frustrating movies to watch!

Is it worse than Man of Steel? Kinda, it has more good in it than Man of Steel but makes some of the bad elements from that movie worse. Either way it's far more frustrating to watch. 

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

Rage Rating 700%