#10 Star Wars Month: Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace

It’s time for the lengthy reviews of Star Wars Month

Many years after Star Wars epiode VI Return of the Jedi, George Lucas decided the time was right to see the rise and fall of Anakin Skywalker, or as we know him from the original trilogy, Darth Vader.

Episode I brings us right back to the beginning, I mean right back, he’s only a child in this one, oh only good things can happen here, right? Let’s dive into the Phantom Menace, and see just how much this screwed things up.

So we open on the classic Star Wars title crawl, explaining that the trade federation has made a blockade of Naboo to stop any trade shopping there, in a dispute about taxes, or something… Meanwhile, the Republic have sent Jedi Knight Qui-Gon-Jinn (easily the best thing about this movie) and his padawan Obi-Wan Kenobe (easily the best thing about the next two movies.) Apparently the Jedi knights are guardians of peace and justice.

So a space shuttle approaches the blockade, apparently piloted by a child, because they’re the best pilots? They request entry onto the trade ship and it’s granted, with the notion that the blockade is ‘perfectly legal.’ They board the ship, with lots of CGI droids surrounding them. A protocol droid guides them into a room, where they reveal themselves to be the jedi knights.

Obi-Wan says he senses something, somewhere. Good to know. He and Qui-Gon Jinn give us their jedi fortune cookies. The leader is told by the droid that the ‘ambassadors’ are jedi knights and he proceeds to send the droid to distract them, while he contacts his master. Lord Siddeous requests that the Viceroy land his troops on Naboo and kill the jedi.

 

I want you to do some important things for me, but I'm going to tell you why, and you'll blindly follow them anyway

The viceroy blows up their ship, and proceeds to pump gas into the room with the Jedi. The droids enter the room, and are quickly dispatched by the jedi who survived the gas by… using the force? Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan destroy more droids as they break their way onto the bridge. But droid destroyers arrive, and the jedi flee up the ventilation shaft.

They drop down and see the battle-droids preparing for invasion. After a conversation that goes nowhere with the trade federation, Queen Amidala and her forces have a conversation with their senator Palpetine; that also goes nowhere, and they talk, and it goes no-where. Meanwhile some trade federation ships land, with the jedi onboard. Lots of CGI later. We see Qui-Gon Jinn save a Gungan from a droid tank, unfortunately. This Gungan is Jar Jar Binks. I’ll let the memes explain what’s wrong with him

Unfortunately Jar Jar’s sense of honour means he’s now the servant of Qui-Gon, and they bump into Obi-Wan. Jar Jar mentions the safest place now is his home city, but then remembers he was banished (that wouldn’t be something I’d forget in a hurry, or is that another racist stereotype?) But after some coaxing from Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, he takes them there anyway. (Obi-wan and Qui-Gon survive the water using re-breathers which they have…. For some reason)

 

I already wish I hadn't saved you

We see the Gungan city in all of its CGI glory. And we see it isn't just Jar Jar that’s a racist stereotype, every Gungan is the same racist stereotype, oh goody, the guards take Jar Jar to the Council of Gungans, where Jar Jar is in trouble. The Gungans don’t like the Naboo (wait, isn't the planet called Naboo, not the people from it) but they give the jedi a ship to drive through the planet core? Unfortunately, Qui-Gon rescues Jar Jar again, to use him as a navigator. (How unfortunate)

So, time for an underwater scene, with fish and bigger fish, and even bigger fish in all their CGI glory. I won't spoil all the details, I’ll be here all day. There’s a scene with the trade federation, that’s pointless, we continue with the underwater scene… And then in even more obvious CGI we see the droid army occupation of Naboo, they have captured the Queen. The Jedi and Jar Jar arrive and rescue the Queen and her court from the droids.

I'll just get you outside, so that any rescue attempt will be easier

They want to take the Queen away from the planet, but she refuses to leave her people while they suffer, but she agrees to leave and plead her case to the senate. They free some pilots, who are conveniently right next to the ships, the ship takes off. Inside the ship are some droids, including R2-D2, the blockade begin shooting the ship, hitting the shield generators. The droids begin repairing the ship, but are destroyed until only R2-D2 remains.

Running low on power, they have to land on Tatooine, a planet not under Federation control, but rather control of the Hutts (yay.) On the trade federation ship, Siddeous says his apprentice, Darth Maul will locate them.

So after a pointless scene or two, we land on Tatooine, brace yourselves we’ll be here for a while. They need a new hyperdrive, so Quigon, Jar Jar, R2-D2 and Padme head to find a replacement. They enter a shop, where we’re introduced to Anakin, who’s about 10 years old. Anakin asks Padme ‘are you an angel’ which means he’s either blind, stupid, or he’s spouting dialogue written by Lucas (or possibly 2 of those three, I’ll leave that open) and he goes on describing what the Star Wars version of an angel is, I reiterate my previous comment.

Oh Liam Neeson, you have such a career ahead of you, still, best to get the low out of the way early

Padme responds “you’re a funny little boy, how do you know so much” bear in mind, neither of introduced themselves by name yet. Anakin gives his life story, and THEN introduces himself as Anakin. Outside the shopkeeper says he won’t accept republic credits, Qui-Gon tries to use a jedi mind-trick on him but it doesn’t work. Before Padme actually addresses herself by name (something you usually do fairly early on in a conversation) Qui-Gon says they’re leaving and they leave.

Qui-Gon contacts Obi-Wan but they discover they have little to barter with on the ship. Anakin manages to rescue Jar Jar (WHY?!) from a grumpy creature called a Dug (or Doug, I don’t know or care, and yes I know it has a name, I just don’t care) mentioning that they’ll be racing again soon. With a sandstorm enclosing, Anakin offers them shelter with him and his mother. Anakin shows Padme C3PO, or the beginnings of him, in what is actually a funny moment.

Obi-Wan receives a message that the situation on Naboo is grim, but Obi-Wan insists they don’t respond, lest it be a trap.

On Corusant we see Darth Siddeous and Darth Maul walk along and talk to each other. This essentially adds nothing to character or plot (aside for it being one of the few times Darth Maul talks, and a reminder he’s actually there, and has done nothing since his introduction) so back on Tatooine Anakin and his mother explain how slavery works (apparently it works with an implanted bomb, because it had to be complicated) and there’s some dialogue spewing with little substance to it all, and Padme looks awkward (maybe because she hasn’t told Anakin her first name yet.) Anakin offers to race in the hopes that the prize money would pay for the parts required to repair the ship. Despite objections from his mother, they eventually agree, knowing that the people here love to gamble, and seeing that there are no other alternatives.

I'm a Toydarian, I'm another racist stereotype

Watto and Qui-Gon barter, and Watto agrees to put up the fee, and keep the winnings (minus the cost of the parts required) if Anakin wins, and keep the Naboo ship if Anakin loses. Padme does not approve. Back at the ship, we get a pointless conversation between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Anakin’s mother says Anakin knows nothing of greed (well, that’ll soon change) Anakin repairs his pod (no thanks to Jar Jar’s antics) and there’s some chat between Anakin and Qui-Gon where Anakin says he wants to see the stars. Quigon sends a blood-sample to Obi-Wan who reveals he has a midi-chlorian count of… what the **** is a midi-chlorian? It’s basically a way to make science of the force. Midi-chlorians are symbiotic creatures that are abundant on those sensitive to the force, the more abundant, the stronger you are with the force. Apparently Anakin’s count is higher than Yoda’s (pity Vader and Yoda never fought)

 

Lots of people have time on their hands in this place

A ship lands on Naboo with Darth Maul on board, because every so often you do need a reminder he’s still in this story. He sends out probes to scan the desert for them. But enough of that potentially interesting stuff, back to the plot that no-one cares about because we all know how it ends, Watto doesn’t think Anakin can win, so Qui-Gon makes a bet to free Anakin if he wins. Watto reluctantly accepts, laughing. But soon it’s race time and to cut a long, and not particularly interesting story short, Anakin wins (yeah, like that was ever in doubt, really)

So, after a few celebration scenes, and character moments, can the story finally resume? Maul has found the jedi, at last, and engages Qui-Gon Jinn in the first light-saber battle of the prequels, but within a few seconds it’s over and Qui-Gon escapes. Back on Naboo the droids are going to scan or the underwater villages. Padme and Anakin talk a little, and we return to Coruscant, with Senator Palpetine and Chancellor Velorum waiting for them.

The CGI is beautiful this evening

A few CGI shots and a wipe later, Palpetine besmirches the name of the Chancellor, in an effort to get Queen Amidala to give a vote of no-confidence in him. Now it’s time for a Council meeting. Qui-Gon Gin and Obi-wan Kenobe explain that their attacker was likely a sith lord, given his level of training. Amongst the council are Yoda, female Yoda, someone who shouldn’t be in this episode because he/she’s caminoan, Mr Tassles, Penis Head, Samual L Jackson and a guy with a gas mask permanently attached to his face (I can name Mace Windu, Plo Koon, Yoda and that’s about it from this set) Qui-Gon then brings up Anakin and the prophecy (oh no, not a prophecy, I hate prophecies!) that someone with a high midichlorian count will bring balance to the force (and Anakin does such a good job of that)

At another council meeting, Palpetine pleads the case to the Chancellor, but the trade federation deny this, saying there's no proof (except for those distress messages, the word of 2 Jedi Knights and the fact that it seems pointless for her to lie). As chancellor Velorum cannot act in her favour, she puts forth Palpetine’s suggestion of a vote of no-confidence. Geez this is so boring.

Make no mistake, there can never be too much CGI

At the Jedi-Council, Yoda gives a very black and white definition of how people are converted to the dark side, and says he sense much fear in Anakin. At the council building, Palepetine reveals he’s been nominated for Chancellor. Queen Amidala decides to leave and return to Naboo, despite Palpetine’s attempts to stop her. In the Jedi-Council, the council say that Anakin is not to be trained, partially as he’s too old, Qui-Gon offers to train him himself, allowing Obi-Wan to graduate to Jedi-Knight. Cutting this short, the Council instructs Qui-Gon to go to Naboo with Queen Amidala and draw out their attacker.

 

CGI creatures and puppets surround us, soon we'll wonder if there's a human being amongst them

Obi-Wan says that Anakin is dangerous (surely all the more reason to train him, surely a dangerous man who lacks guidance is even more dangerous) so after another fortune cookie, we get an explanation of midi-chlorians that I gave earlier. They board the ship heading for Naboo. On Naboo Darth Siddeous says he’s sending Darth Maul to Naboo. Meanwhile Anakin learns to fly the craft, whilst the Jedi discuss how to take the planet, sadly their only hope is in Jar Jar Binks. The droid control ship spots them on entry. Character moment, back story, CGI, bla bla bla, evacuated Gungan city, secret hideout. They find the Gungans, but they seem reluctant until Padme reveals that she was in fact Queen Amidala, and the lady in the white make-up is her body-double for security. Speech, kneel, and the Gungans agree to help.

Roger Roger

Sideous, Maul, lots more CGI, General Jar Jar (uh oh), the plan is to draw out the droids with the Gungan army, whilst a small squad infiltrates the palace and captures the Viceroy. Darth Siddeous orders the Viceroy to wipe out the Gungans. Time for a battle in CGI that isn’t quite up to modern standards yet. Meanwhile the small team fight against the remaining droids, with the jedi leading the march. They clear the hangar of droids, Anakin hides inside a ship, with R2-D2 in tow. Anakin quickly learns the control, as the other pilots lead the attack on the droid base. Time for a CGI space battle, just like the good old days. Meanwhile in CGI land (£20 per visit) the trade federation unleash their droid army, the droids easily pass through the shield and attack the Gungans, but the Gungans are prepared).

Don't you wish these would turn up in the future?

Darth Maul finally has something to do, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan prepare to engage, destroyers attack the others, and they take cover. Darth Maul reveals his double-bladed lightsaber and has no problem holding off two Jedi. Anakin accidentally activates his ship, and despite the force-field the ship’s guns destroy the destroyers. The ship is on auto-pilot. Meanwhile the battle between the Jedi and Darth maul enters CGI land. Anakin’s ship goes to the space-station and eventually the autopilot is disabled. The fight between Maul and the Jedi leads to a chamber of force-fields which are there for no reason other than to delay the fight and separate the Jedi.

Speaking of force-fields the Gungan force-field is knocked out and the Gungans are on the ropes, but Jar Jar unleashes some electric cannonball things that begin knocking out the tanks. Amidala’s crew are surrounded by droids and surrender. Anakin’s ship is hit and it flies into the base. The droids move to engage. The force-field drops and Darth Maul and Qui-Gon engage, but Obi-Wan is blocked off as the shields close again. Darth Maul kills Qui-Gon (sometimes you need just a few words in battle, this battle has been silent) The Queen is taken to the Viceroy, but the fake queen arrives and distracts the droids, so Padme can capture the Viceroy. Darth Maul and Obi-Wan continue to fight, with not a word exchanged between them. Anakin’s ship regains power, and begins firing, taking out the main reactor. Anakin leaves as the base explodes. The droid army is deactivated, saving the Gungans.

Having lost his own lightsaber. Obi-Wan grabs Qui-Gon’s lightsaber and uses it to slice Darth Maul in half. Before dying, Obi-Wan promises to Qui-Gon that he will train Anakin. Palpetine has been elected Chancellor, and expresses interest in watching Anakin’s career. We later see Yoda give Obi-Wan the ranking of Jedi-Knight, and expressing his disdain for taking Anakin as his padawan. Then we see lots of warnings and celebrations to mark the end of the episode, and it couldn’t have come soon enough.

It's the cast standing ovation time!

The pacing of this is dreadful. Too long is spent in boring council meetings, and the whole build up the Anakin’s departure. While I get its necessity it didn’t need to be a quarter of the movie (if not more.) Time that should’ve been spent developing Darth Maul. The guy utters few words (although to be honest, that might be a good thing, given some of the dialogue in this movie) and as such we feel quite disconnected from the battle. Darth Maul should’ve been established as a threat before the big battle, otherwise we don’t feel the emotional weight of the battle.

And then there’s Jar Jar Binks. Is he an obvious racist stereotype? Yes. Is he annoying as all hell? Oh yes, but to be honest, I find most characters that achieve success through blind luck annoying, so this isn’t particularly different to that. He is there to serve as comic relief to make it kid friendly, and to be honest, we can just be thankful he doesn’t get used later on.

In space, no-one can hear your armies descend on the planet Naboo 

There’s also way too much CGI in this. I get its necessity for world building, dog-fights and the like, but that ocean chase seemed to be there for no other reason than to show off CGI, as for the droid/Gungan fight, I wasn’t convinced it was real, and that is the purpose of the fight.

The title is a little odd to me, it's called the Phantom Menace, why? Darth Maul is neither a phantom nor a menace, neither is Anakin, so what does that resemble in the plot (Siddeous perhaps) 

But the music is brilliant, there are some good moments here and there, the choreography is excellent, and I’ve got to admit a queen using a body double was clever.

This gives me rage issues, but the pacing is the most glaring issue.

Rage rating – 15%

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Apologies to Star Wars fans for my previous mis-spelling of Qui-Gon Jinn, it has been corrected

Images used in this review are from Star Wars Episode I and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.