#11 Star Wars Month: Star Wars Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Oh boy, the time has come. This is my least favourite star wars movie. Yeah, it’s worse than the Phantom Menace in my opinion. Worse than 2 hours of Jar Jar Binks. So… How could that possibly be? Let’s dig into Star Wars: Attack of the clones and find out

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away there’s an onslaught of text in a starry background. Apparently there are systems trying to leave the Republic and join the Separatist movement lead by Count Dooku, making it difficult for the jedi to keep peace. Senator Amidala (Padme from episode I), is returning to the senate to vote whether or not they should create an army to assist them.

We truly begin on the planet Coruscant (you know the planet that took way too long to show up in the first one) as Padme’s ship begins to land. The Queen leaves the ship and it spontaneously explodes but luckily it was a decoy ship so we don’t care.

Didn't know Michael Bay was working on Star Wars

Senator Palpetine meets with the jedi, saying he cannot put off the vote much longer and he will not lose the Republic to the Separatists. But before the matter can be concluded, Padme and (unfortunately) Jar Jar arrive. Yoda commiserates Padme on the tragedy on the landing platform (which he sensed and did nothing about? It can’t have been long enough ago for everyone to hear about it) but apparently they’re already on the case and have a few leads (which they pulled out of their behinds for all we know) Padme suspects Dooku (for some reason) but Dooku was once a jedi, he could never do such a thing (yeah, I’m sure he’s all heart)

Senator Palpetine advises Padme be put under the Jedi’s protection, Padme objects but Palpetine recommends that she be supervised by someone she’s familiar with to minimise disruption. Obi-Wan Kenobe (who she knows so well from the… actually very little screen time they had together)

So, we’re introduced to Obi-Wan Kenobe (played by Ewan McGreggor still, it’s impressive they made him look 10 years older) and Anakin Skywalker, played by Hayden Christiansen

They engage in banter as they ride up an elevator, Anakin’s nervous as he hasn’t seen Padme in 10 years (when he was 9 years old – remember this) Jar Jar Binks welcomes Obi-Wan and Anakin, and they greet Padme.

Ewan McGreggor is often stuck in rooms with CGI characters

Then we get the awkward moment between Anakin and Padme

“Ani? My goodness you’ve grown”
“So have you. Grown more beautiful I mean. Well, for a Senator I mean”

And the comeback to this

“Ani you’ll always be that little boy I knew on Tatooine”

WRONG F*CKING ANSWER B*TCH! Sorry, had to get that out of my system. George Lucas’ dialogue is a load of tripe in this movie, so prepare for more quotes followed by spontaneous rage.

Padme says she wants answers, Obi-Wan responds that their mandate is to protect her, not to find her killer, but Anakin immediately after this statement says that they will found out who’s trying to kill her, because he’s a f*cking idiot (or it’s more dialogue written by Lucas, I can’t decide) then Obi-Wan and Anakin argue an argument that really shouldn’t have been done with Padme in the room. Where Anakin says that 2 Jedi protecting Padme is overkill and is therefore a cover to investigate. Obi-Wan slams this idea. (We still have 90 minutes of filler plot to cover)

Anakin has a conversation with Jar Jar, where he confesses he’s spent 10 years unable to get over his feelings for Padme, while she hardly remembers him at all. (Oh boy…) Jar Jar leaves and thankfully it’s the last time we’ll be seeing him for a while

Meanwhile in CGI Central a lady with pink hair said she hit the ship, but it was a decoy (you hit it with what? We never saw a rocket, just the ship spontaneously exploding!) The mysterious figure gives her some poisonous worms and tells her to be careful with them…

Padme’s covered the cameras because “I don’t think she liked [Anakin] watching her.” It’s official; Anakin is a pervert. Apparently they’re using her as bait for the assassin, because she wasn’t already. Back to CGI central the lady inserts the worm tube into a robot. Anyway, Anakin reveals he’s been having dreams about his mother and he’d much rather dream about Padme (jeez you met each other for maybe a couple of weeks and you’ve not seen each other in 10 years, GET OVER IT!!!) Obi-Wan reminds Anakin that as a jedi, he can’t form a physical attachment to her (like that ever stops them)

So, the robot unleashes the worms into Padme’s room, alerting R2-D2…. Or not. Anakin and Obi-wan continue to argue until they sense Padme being in danger and immediately act. Anakin cuts the worm in half, Obi-Wan grabs onto the ship that carried the worms and Anakin tries to follow (giving an assassin an excellent opportunity to strike without Jedi defence)

So, lots of CGI later (who knew so many people left their lights on this late at night) the assassin shoots down the ship and makes her escape. Obi-wan lands in a car driven by Anakin, they set off in pursuit of the assassin. After a chase that goes on way too long, Anakin jumps from his speeder and skydives into the city, conveniently landing on the bounty-hunter’s ship (I mean, what are the odds?) Anakin loses his lightsaber but Obi-Wan, following from behind, catches it. The ship crashes and the bounty hunter escapes into a club. Obi-Wan catches up, returning Anakin’s lightsaber too him (and scolding him a little for losing it)

“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me” says Obi-Wan. You see it’s funny because it’s true… and if you’re watching these in episodic order, which you should be able to, it’s not funny. Bla bla, we enter the club with video games everywhere, where Anakin knows that the assassin is a female changeling (using the force?)  Obi-Wan goes for a drink and we get the funniest line in the movie.

Admittedly that's not saying much seeing as there's surprisingly little humour in the movie. Anyway, the Bounty Hunter (weirdly not shape-shifting) watches and draws a gun but Obi-Wan cuts off her hand before she can shoot. They interrogate but get sod all as a poisonous dart kills her by erm, what the f*ck did that drug do to her?

 

Before I die, I just want to say... You assholes! You chopped my arm off!

At the Jedi council (because the Jedi have obviously forgotten about protecting Padme at this point) the Jedi insist he finds the bounty hunter. Obi-Wan remembers that Padme still needs protecting. Yoda insists that Anakin will handle it. Anakin talks to Chancellor Palpetine, hoping he can persuade Padme to return to Naboo. And he begins talking like he’s predicting the future (he’s not the Emperor though, nope nope nope, there’s absolutely no way he’s the Emperor)

Obi-Wan says that Anakin is not ready for a solo mission, as his new-found powers have made him arrogant, Yoda suggests that maybe Obi-Wan is also holding arrogance here. Isn’t there something he should be doing rather than talking, a bounty hunter he should be tracking or something.

Wipe, CGI, Jar Jar Binks, goodbye Corusant (and Jar Jar thankfully) and Anakin gives Padme some Jedi wisdom, and her response “Ani, you’ve grown up” gee, you think, in 10 f*cking years he might’ve become a little (admittedly only a little) more mature and wiser, are you so f*cking stupid that you don’t think in 10 years a 9 year old would grow up? Jeez Lucas…

And then Anakin goes off on one, saying Obi-Wan is overly critical and never listens, qualities which, in all honesty. I have not seen demonstrated at one point during this movie. It’s just Anakin being a baby because the Chancellor told him he’s great. Then we get these lines

“Please don’t look at me like that?”
“Why not?”
“It makes me feel uncomfortable”

And these two are supposed to fall in love at the end of this? At the moment the love seems very one-sided; also kinda creepy

In a clock-wipe later everyone says their goodbyes. So enough of that. In what’s clearly an American diner with CGI in abundance, Obi-Wan meets his CGI informant, who identifies the dart that killed the assassin as Caminoan, who are cloners. But the planetary system does not exist on the Jedi records for some reason.

 

One of the few real sets in the movie, and it's like they're barely even trying

We have a boring scene with Padme where Anakin says he’s been dreaming about her for 10 years (you knew her for maybe a week or 2, get over it!) Obi-Wan enters a room where Yoda is training Younglings and they see that a gravity thing remains despite the star and planets not being on the map. A Youngling suggests that information was deleted from the archives, something only a Jedi could do.

Anakin and Padme arrive on Amidala and she goes off on one about how she was too young to be queen something. Thank God I don’t care… 1 wipe later we get more scene that goes nowhere as Padme springs out of nowhere that she’s considering the lake countries (she didn’t mention this to Anakin before because… reasons?)

1 wipe later Obi-Wan finds Camino easily, he is greeted by a Caminoan, who says he’s expected. He follows the Caminoan to the Prime Minster, Obi-Wan takes a seat and is told that production is on schedule. He mentions Master Sifo Dyas, a jedi master who died almost 10 years ago (the circumstances behind his death are not explained until an episode of an animated series years later) the Caminoans prepare to show Obi-Wan their clone army for the republic

 

The CGI is strong in this one

Meanwhile Padme and Anakin arrive in the Lake Country, where we get one of the more infamous pieces of Lucas Dialogue

You lived on a desert planet for 9 years, you would’ve gotten used to it! And he begins stroke Padme, because… Love? And then they kiss (oh joy oh joy this movie went there quickly…) Padme breaks off the kiss, and we have another wipe. Where Obi-Wan sees the clone army, cloned from a bounty hunter named Jango Fett, who did their bidding in exchange for an unaltered clone (who would basically be his son)

On some grassland Anakin discusses his perfect view of the world, oh har har, it’s exactly how the Galactic Empire becomes. 1 wipe later and Obi-Wan is introduced formally to Boba and Jango Fett. Jango said he was hired by a man called Tyrannus. As Obi-Wan leaves, Jango and Boba also decide to leave

Guess what, we cut to Anakin and Padme talking. ENOUGH WITH THE TALKING SCENES! The plot is moving so slowly. Every single scene is just talk talk talk and it’s boring. So, Anakin is worried about something… “I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me” except he clearly made the first move on her. He continues spouting cr*ppy Lucas dialogue (really, he hopes the kiss won’t become a scar) but Padme brings merciful reality to the situation and she reminds Anakin of who they are. (Even if it is still sh*t dialogue) and Anakin responds “I wish I could just wish away my feelings, but I can’t” (I don’t think I need to continue, just groans will suffice the rest of this review)

 

This is like the 5th hairstyle she's had in this movie. Pick one and stick with it!

Obi-Wan departs from Camino with a reminder that more clones would take more time to make (gee, you wouldn’t think) and time for, guess what, more talking. Obi-Wan explains the situation to Mace Windu and Yoda, believing that Jango Fett is the bounty hunter they seek. The clone army did not have the approval of the Jedi Council, so they want Jango brought to them to find answers. Knowing that they should’ve sensed the clone army, Mace suggests that they inform the senate of their weakness. Yoda responds that only the sith lord knows of their weakness and if they make it public their enemies will multiply.

Anakin has another nightmare, of his mother suffering and in pain. He feels he has no choice but to leave the life of a senator in jeopardy to save his mother. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

On Camino, Boba and Jango prepare to make their escape, a merciful action scene occurs (no please, more scenes with people talking, they were so engaging) Jango gets away with Boba, but not before Obi-Wan lays a tracer on them (which they never used before and never will again)  

Anakin lands a convenient stealth ship on Tatooine and they visit Watto, who says he sold his mother to someone, who freed her and married her instead. Obi-Wan follows Jango to the planet Geonosis, where Jango realises they’re being tracked, they move into the asteroid field and begin chucking bombs out of their ship, bombs which let out a pulse that destroys nearby asteroids. Jango believes to have destroyed the ship but the rockets he’d fired only hit some jettisoned spare parts (glad this scene was here, it…. Added 5 minutes to the movie, what else did it accomplish?!)

 

Watto's back, gee, he really let himself go

Obi-Wan lands on the planet and we cut back to bland and blander as they bump into C3PO in grey, and then meet Cliegg and Owen Lars (Owen looks way too old to be the daughter of Shmi when she and Cliegg met LESS THAN 10 YEARS AGO!) Owen would become the adoptive father of Luke in the original trilogy. It’s explained that Shmi was abducted by Tuscan raiders and that any attempt to rescue her met with disastrous ends. Anakin pleads to go and find her alone, leaving Padme in their loving care (again breaking the mandate)

He rides through CGI central round 2 and we cut to Obi-Wan in a very similar setting. He explores the area and finds a factory below producing an army of trade-federation droids. We see Count Dooku (oh yeah, he’s in this movie, we’re like over half way through and it’s the first time he’s shown up) and any hopes of him being anything other than a villain is dashed within the first 5 seconds as he promises that the Viceroy will have Padme’s head (makes you wonder why scenes were cut out to create mystery as to which side that character was on, not that I mind that scenes were cut out mind you, they could've cut out a few more)

We’ve got another scene of talking as systems pledge their allegiance to Dooku, combining their forces to create a massive army. Anakin finds the raiders and stealthily infiltrates the camp, he finds his mother, who is conveniently able to give her last words before dying in his arms. Anakin takes his revenge by laying waste to the camp, slaughtering them all. (You know, for kids!) Yoda senses Anakin being in pain (this thread leads nowhere by the way)

Obi-Wan can’t relay a signal to Coruscant because it’s too far away and the long-range transmitter had been knocked out. Obi-Wan discovers that Anakin is on Tatooine and sends a message before being discovered himself. R2-D2 discovers the message as Anakin brings back his mother’s body. Where Anakin releases his grief in classic cr*ppy Lucas dialogue, combining that with more ego boosts from the layer of Palpetine (yeah, it’s amazing he can’t make that connection) including finding a way to stop people from dying. Someone find me a brick wall

Out of nowhere, he mentions how he slaughtered the raiders, men, women and children, in a way that makes me assume he regrets it (remember this for next week folks) or it does until he goes off on the ‘I slaughtered them like animals bit’ (sometimes, better to keep this information like that to yourself.) Padme, unfazed by his admission of mass murder, comforts him and we get Anakin’s “I’m a Jedi, I know I should know better speech” I swear the brick wall is doing less damage to my IQ than this.

 

I'm going through the 5 stages of grief in 5 minutes so we don't have any more padding

We have a funeral scene and Anakin says his goodbyes to his mother. Claiming that he wasn’t strong enough to save her, but he will be (seeds of the dark side folks) R2-D2 breaks this up, finally, with a message from Obi-Wan (this sounds strikingly familiar, doesn’t it) the message is replayed and it shows Obi-Wan being captured.

Padme takes command of the ship and is heading to Geonosis, C3PO in tow for… some reason. Meanwhile, it’s proposed that rather than putting the use of a clone army to a vote that would surely be rejected, a motion to grant Palpetine emergency powers would be put forward so he could do it himself. Who could propose such a motion? (That Padme would surely never do) why, it’s the unwelcome return of Jar Jar Binks

Back on Geonosis Count Dooku speaks to an entrapped Obi-Wan (look, we know he’s the villain, Obi-Wan knows he’s the villain, can we skip the I’m not as bad as I appear bullsh*t) he says that Sypho-Dias, who was Dooku’s apprentice was once Obi-Wan’s master (gee Obi-Wan goes through masters quick, first Sypho-Dias, then Quigon-Gin and apparently Yoda at some point) Dooku also reveals that the Republic is under the dark lord of the sith’s control (wow and no-one bothers checking up on this at all, until it’s too late) Dooku offers partnership to Obi-Wan in exchange for his release but Obi-Wan refuses.

Palpetine accepts the emergency powers, promising to return them once the threat has passed (yeah, like that's gonna happen). And proceeds to create a Grand Army of the Republic to counter the Separatists. While Windu takes Jedi to aid Obi-Wan, Yoda plans to see the army on Camino. Anakin’s ship arrives on Geonosis, using exhaust fumes to cover their landing, Padme warns Anakin to follow her lead, before it leads to war.

Padme and Anakin enter the factory, R2 follows shortly afterwards, with C3PO reluctantly following behind. The gang are soon ambushed (so much for diplomatic solution) and are forced into the factory. Padme avoids all the CGI machinery, C3PO and R2 follow them, R2 pushes C3PO into the factory, wanting to take a look himself, and C3PO is confused for a droid and put on the production line. R2 flies into the factory, using jets that might have been useful on several occasions during the original trilogy.

Padme is pushed into a pot of some sort that’s about to be filled with molten metal, whilst C3PO’s head is placed on a droid and a droids head placed on C3PO (this is what classes as funny in this movie, something there’s nearly none of in this movie) Anakin’s arm is chained to the production line, R2 recues Padme, and Anakin escapes, but his lightsaber is destroyed in the escape. Padme and Anakin are surrounded by Boba and destroyer droids, and forced to surrender.

 

Nothing to lose your head over, right?

So another conversation occurs between Padme and Anakin, where she reveals she was in love with him the whole time (including when he was 9 years old, that’s freaky) more cr*ppy dialogue follows, and we enter CGI arena. Padme and Anakin are chained to some posts. As monstrous CGI beasts are unleashed. Padme easily escapes her chains and so does Obi-Wan. A fight ensues with the Jedi partially in chains. Anakin entraps a beast and saves Padme, then Obi-Wan. The Viceroy is not impressed. Destroyers come in and surround them but the Jedi arrive, surrounding the arena.

Droids arrive to re-enforce as Jango Fett begins to fight, a full on battle commences. Anakin and Obi-Wan regain their lightsabers. The droid head is blasted off C3-PO’s body. Mace Windu and Jango engage in battle, resulting in Jango being decapitated (you know, for kids) much to Boba’s disdain. The droid with C3PO’s head is knocked down, R2-D2 arrives to remove the head and drag it to his actual body. The droids are pushing the jedi back as C3PO is repaired. The droids prepare for the kill, but Yoda arrives with the clones, evening the odds of the battle. The Jedi escape on the ships, with a couple of clones sacrificed in the process (but who cares?)

 

So yes, Mace Windu, you were badly outnumbered

R2, C3PO and a distraught Boba are the only ones left in the battle field. Yoda warns the must not let Dooku escape. A new battle ensues, with the clones and nameless Jedi fighting against the droids (so we skip over that.) Dooku concedes that they’ve lost the battle but they need to rescue important data, the plans for the Death Star. Dooku promises to return it to Coruscant, to his master, shocking revelation folks, he’s evil, who would’ve guessed?!

Yeah, exactly. The Trade Federation evacuate. Leaving Dooku to buzz off on a hover-vehicle. Yoda and the clones destroy one of the star-ships, creating a dust-cloud in which lots of things die, I think. Obi-wan spots Dooku, and they follow him in their ship, 2 ships fire on them from behind, and Padme is knocked out of the ship. They have no choice but to leave her (much to Anakin’s forced disdain) they follow Dooku into a cave and a fight begins. Anakin is quickly knocked out by force lightning, Obi-Wan blocks it and they begin a lightsaber duel, with actual dialogue this time (terrible dialogue mind you) oh, and Padme’s fine. Obi-Wan is knocked down but Anakin has recovered and engages, armed with both his and Obi-Wan’s lightsabers, briefly, as Dooku destroys Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, before chopping off Anakin’s hand, winning the fight (what is it with force wielders and chopping off people’s hands)

Dooku has one further obstacle barring his escape. Yoda. This is his first film where he’s CGI, and easily counters Count Dooku’s force attacks, so it’s lightsaber duel time again. Yoda’s fighting style is agile and he has Dooku on the ropes, so Dooku drops a thing onto Anakin and Obi-Wan, forcing Yoda to rescue them rather than escape. Padme and some clones arrive too late for anything. Dooku arrives on Coruscant red filter and delivers the plans for the Death Star to Darth Siddeous, who addresses him as Tyrannus.

 

Ohhh Yeah!!!!

Yoda agrees that the Jedi should keep a closer eye on the senate given Dooku’s words and Yoda questions this as a victory, as a war has begun. Anakin and Padme get married in secret, bringing this film to its merciful conclusion.

THIS FILM GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Can you believe scenes were cut to help pacing? The pacing in this film is terrible, much worse than the Phantom Menace. Action scenes are few and far between and when they do happen they go on and on and on and on and on.  

I can say bad things about the acting in this (particularly with Hayden Christensen) but the truth is, no-one could act with the sh*t dialogue in this film. Some of it is painful to listen to. Particularly any scene between Padme and Anakin, any scene between them felt awkward, and their romance did not feel particularly believable

There is way too much CGI in this, even more than the last film

 

Erm... At least he isn't CGI?

It’s also fairly devoid of humour or fun. Until C3PO and R2-D2 show up, I can think of maybe 2 jokes in the entire first 2/3 of the movie. And considering some of the ultra-violence we see in this, some more humour would have been good to balance it out.

The title is, again, a tad misleading. The Clones barely feature in the episode, only showing up in the final scene, giving the title, you'd expect them to be attacking the protagonists, that does not happen in the entire movie.

I will give credit where it’s due though. Ewan McGreggor is fantastic as Obi-Wan, it’s nice to see Yoda actually fight for once, and the music is very good, once again.

Rage rating: 55%

Next: All Star Batman and Robin #9

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Images used in this review are from Star Wars Episode II and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.