#56 Marvel's Spider-man season 1

This might be a review that takes a while it because of scheduling, but this made me stop in my tracks! I’ve put a review on an early list before, but never have I started writing it before its time was coming, that stopped with this. Yup, we’re talking about Spider-man again.

Ultimate Spider-man was not a series I enjoyed, it had a number of issues, particularly regarding their over-use of 4^th wall and anime-style jokes, some of the sitcom plots and the fact that Peter Parker as an entity is ignored for large chunks of the series, also the series tried to expand its universe at the expense of having its own identity. But the series did have some decent animation, occasionally a joke would land and there’s no doubt a guest appearance would bring a smile to kids’ faces.

So… WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS SH*T?

I’ll admit, when I heard about the reboot, I was excited. Hearing it would go back to Peter Parker’s roots, and the design aesthetic kinda reminding me of Spectacular Spider-man, which is a favourite series of mine, all good signs. But… from seeing the first few episodes my first thoughts were… my god is it awful. I mean it, this is the worst Spider-man cartoon I’ve seen, and it’s by a considerable margin. But I’ll stop beating about the bush and try and explain why.

OK, let’s start with plot. This might not be my greatest issue, but it’s my longest section, I’ve watched the first series and the prequels which I won’t cover here

1. Horizon High part 1 – Vulture steals some tech and gets Harry suspended, Peter is offered a place at the school
   
2. Horizon High part 2 – The scorpion shows up but this isn’t the central point of the episode. Norman Osborn sets up his own science Academy for Harry and a robot steals a lot of his stuff. Peter gets a job as a lab assistant (which I don't think he is doing that often) to help pay his tuition, he tells Aunt May it’s a partial scholarship because reasons.
   
3. Osborn Academy – The Jackal is in this episode, but the focus is on Shocker and Clash auditioning for the Academy and for no reason are told there’s only one place, so they fight each other.
   
4. A day in the life – Peter Parker has a lot to do and Black Cat has bad luck powers and is collecting things like comic books and expensive cars for a client
   
5. Party Animals – Harry Osborn is cleared of charges thanks to things happening offscreen. During the celebration, one of the students becomes the Rhino thanks to an injection by the Jackal.
   
6. Sand-man – Sandman needs Spider-man’s help to gain form, we find out his daughter is being held by Hammerhead but things turn when it turns out it was a willing relationship
    
7. Symbiotic relationship – Spider-man’s black costume makes things easier, but it’s beginning to have an effect, especially since Horizon needs the symbiote for the Stark Expo
    
8. Stark Expo – The Ghost invades the Stark Expo, and only the symbiote can stop him
    
9. Ultimate Spider-man – Miles Morales get the powers of spider-man but it begins drawing him a lot of attention
    
10. Kraven’s amazing hunt – Kraven hunts Spider-man for Norman Osborn and his TV show. Yes, he has one of those now.
     
11. Halloween Moon – Spider-man must team up with the Hulk to take down Man-wolf
     
12. Spider-man on Ice – When an ordinary criminal gets his hand on a diamond powered freeze gauntlet, it’s up to Spider-man to stop him and Harry to try I guess
     
13. Venom – Peter tries to tutor Flash Thompson whilst uncovering the mystery of who has been taken over by Venom
     
14. Screwball live – An activist/prankster called Screwball begins a campaign of being almost completely irrelevant to the plot of the episode. Meanwhile, Hammerhead sends the Absorbing Man after a flash drive of potentially incriminating data
     
15. The Rise of Doc Ock part 1 – The Crimson Dynamo tries to break into horizon high to steal some techno-sh*t, sadly in the attempt, Doctor Octavius has his arms fused to his body
     
16. The Rise of Doc Ock part 2 – Norman Osborn hatches a fiendish plan to get Otto to join Osborn Academy
     
17. The Rise of Doc Ock part 3 – Peter tries to convince Harry something isn’t right with his father
     
18. The Rise of Doc Ock part 4 – Norman Osborn leads his group to an assault on the Jackal, but Ock has other plans
     
19. Spider-Island part 1 – When Peter’s Stealth suit is stolen, he, Miles, Harry and Gwen must track him down
     
20. Spider-Island part 2 – Everyone in New York has Spider Powers, Crossbones intends to use the Chaos to steel vibranium for HYDRA, but Black Widow has other ideas
     
21. Spider-Island part 3 – Gwen has turned into a spider-monster, it’s up to the gang to track her down, compounded when Kraven enters the fray.
    
22. Spider-Island part 4 – Peter and Harry try and calm the chaos as everyone turns into Spider-monsters, but who calling the shots
     
23. Spider-Island part 5 – With the combined resources of the remaining heroes, a cure is created but to disperse it to everyone, they need to break right back into the Jackal’s HQ, or pay a deep price.
     
24. The Hobgoblin part 1 – Spider-man works to take down Doc Ock’s sinister group but when he falls under mind control, the only person he can rely on is Harry, now the hobgoblin
     
25. The Hobgoblin part 2 – The Hobgoblin turns against Spidey, but is it really Harry under the mask?

If you think these stories are ok, yeah, these premises could make for interesting episodes. There are problems though. In Horizon High, Harry asks Peter to retrieve some of his work after his suspension. A spider-slayer attacks and it’s revealed one of the gizmos Harry was working on was a bomb. But Peter, in his infinite stupidity GIVES HARRY ONE OF THE BOMBS ANYWAY! This is 2017! Anyway, the spider-slayer attacks again, and Peter grabs Harry to get the bomb to use against it, despite believing there was an organic component to him, anyway, this forms the reason Harry doesn’t trust Spider-man. Yes, really.

There’s also the incredible stupidity of how they weave in the ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ thing in “W/G^P => G^R” because SCIENCE! Also, there was no need for it, since the way it was established in the prequels was fine. Episode 2 is by far the worst episode I’ve seen thus far, not only does it have that bit with the bomb, it has the stupid lying to Aunt May subplot, and also it has a flashback with Uncle Ben, giving a story about how he raked leaves to buy a train set and the moral was about how some hard labour can jump-start a new idea, he raked leaves to buy a train set, his idea was hardly breaking new ground. This flashback only exists for the line to get a call-back about 2 minutes later, which in that context actually made more sense. Also, it’s also the episode Peter debuted in his real costume, which he’d made at Horizon High in about 5 minutes.

Episode 6 also has a lot of problems. Let’s start with Sandman himself. Flint Marco was transformed by Hammerhead for being incompetent, instead of just being shot, set up, paid off or really any way that’s less convoluted than this sh*t. So his daughter gets caught up because she came along for some reason, you’d think Flint wouldn’t want her to come along given the circumstances and from what I’ve heard she certainly didn’t want to go. So yeah, she hates her father for this, in the poor exposition, I’ll get to the dialogue soon but yeesh, anyway it’s not a tragic love-hate, it’s pure visceral vile hatred that feels… it doesn’t feel right. Also, the symbiote costume first bonds with Spidey in this episode, it’s done better in Spectacular, because most of the episode is dedicated to it whilst here it’s a last-minute escape.

Episode 7 is massively rushed, barely having time to show off the full range of consequences of the symbiote. There’s a point with Tooms around as the Vulture after his prison escape for no reason. Norman Osborn more-or-less outs himself in this episode too. Peter returns the symbiote at the end of the episode, but for reasons that make no sense he does so as Peter Parker rather than Spider-man and claims he was doing his own research on it, which might be the dumbest move I’ve ever seen on his part.

Episode 8 has largely the same problem as episode 7, they focus on trying to do too much. As well as the Stark Expo and Spidey/Iron Man teaming up, we get Flash and a hint the symbiote might take him, the symbiote being alive being believed, Iron Man vs his latest suit, Iron Man not trusting Spider-man for some reason, Otto’s continued transformation, the Oscorp sh*t going down and please, I’m glad you’re not doing crossovers as frequently as your predecessor, but don’t shove everything in that episode. Also, the idea that they just pulled the symbiote off Spider-man is lazy.

As a fan of Miles Morales, I don’t like the story they came up with for episode 9, it misses a lot of what made Miles interesting and the way they handle the venom sting is just perplexing. Episode 10 is probably the strongest of the first 10, featuring good moments like Peter unmasking to Miles, that’s not to say it’s flawless. There’s no Peter Parker in it at all, Kraven’s motivations are contrived as all hell, they completely change tact with everything half-way through the episode. Miles’ fear-toxin exposure isn’t brought up again after Peter calms him down and it kinda reveals one of the flaws of having a relatively inexperienced Peter having to teach Miles.

Speaking of Miles, where the f*ck was he in Halloween Moon? Gwen and Harry get a bit of spotlight which would be fine except neither of them have much in terms of personality, Gwen especially so. I get what they wanted to do with this episode but I don’t think it’s entirely successful, especially since they didn’t see the Green Gem as a threat earlier in the episode. On a side note, who the f*ck decided that the best costume for Halloween is a pantomime horse?

Episode 12 has a diamond powered freeze gauntlet, why does this show hate people? I can only assume that’s why they put a reference to one of the dumbest things in Batman and Robin, and because the animation and dialogue is still its usual brand of sh*t, I actually wish I was watching Batman and Robin. F*ck this episode for that!

Episode 13 aka I guess Miles Morales has taken a leave of absence since this is third consecutive absence also showcases another of the shows bigger issues, Peter Parker has no inside voice! Every line of dialogue that is said is out loud and in an episode where Peter spends part of it trying to investigate sh*t, this is spectacularly unhelpful. Flash Thompson being venom isn’t unexpected but I do have to ask, what is it they have against Eddie Brock? He hasn’t been in a Spider-man cartoon since Spectacular, despite Venom being in both Ultimate and this one. There’s also a dumb bit where the lead specifically in a manhole cover blocks a sonic attack, despite sonic attacks being about sound, not radiation and the sound waves were not completely blocked. Also, Peter Parker actually agreed to tutor someone who has been bullying him for years

Also, the bullying ends in this episode, so that was pointless.

Episode 14 is absolute trash, I hesitate to say it’s the worst episode yet, but it’s definitely up there. They actually try and make Gwen useful (if she had an actual personality, I’d care) but here’s thing, this episode is modern day internet commentary and unlike Ducktales, where they had a character villainised for making these jokes, here it’s preachy! And that’s annoying. But that’s not the end of it folks, let’s start with the absorbing man, who has a wrecking ball (I actually thought he was part of the Wrecking Crew, would make more sense) for no reason, since he can grow to giant size and absorb any element. As such, they limited all the action to ‘dodge wrecking ball.’ Hammerhead wanted his name kept out his schemes yet showed up on a video he was making for some reason and turned up at the handover of the flash drive! They had a gathering of reporters in the episode but don’t use this perfect opportunity to reference the Bugle or introduce J Jonah Jameson, because important characters like Screwball needed to take up that time. Oh, and she’s Liz Allen. Yeah… She’s just not that interesting, and nothing about her subplot is either. Her motivation for being Screwball is…

Now, I haven’t used that one in a while… I hate all the internet references, not because they’re there but because they’re so forced in, take a shot for every reference to views or likes this episode has, you’ll pass out before this episode ends, you’re welcome.

Episode 15 is OK, it persists with the same issues that have plagued this series. I’m glad they’re doing something a bit different with Doc Ock, which will continue across this *sigh* 4-parter. They try to give the Crimson Dynamo a bit of backstory that’s interesting but her motivations aren’t clear enough and most of her dialogue is generic “you won’t stop me” babble.

Episode 16 features the lizard, also he becomes Godzilla sized because of very contrived storytelling. It almost works, and it’s nice to see Miles as Spider-man again but why the f*ck isn’t he using his venom blast.

Episode 17 features the beginning of a war between the Jackal and Norman Osborn, it’s been foreshadowed for a while, and last episode hinted that Norman believed that the Spider-men were working for the Jackal. Peter wants to try and convince Harry that his father isn’t to be trusted but in the end, Otto reveals a secret that shakes their trust. It’s actually not a bad episode, it features a lot of usual problems but to a lesser extent.

Episode 18 feels the culmination of something that’s been brewing for a while. Each story feels relatively standalone and that’s a big issue, the conclusion to this arc has so much to do, that it can’t not feel rushed. Particularly as it happens with Otto, despite the entire arc being named after him, he barely features in the episode. It didn’t need to be much, just him starting these machinations that come to fruition at the end. Norman Osborn’s ‘sacrifice’ is actually moving, which is surprising, but ultimately, we know it’s inevitable he’ll become the Green Goblin. It does have some good moments, following up with arcs from previous episodes like Gwen’s father being the Jackal and Peter and Harry’s damaged friendship.

Spider Island part 1 has some good ideas but some lousy execution. A starting action scene involves Miles being a complete Moron, then Peter’s a moron whose bag, containing a suit which seems to vary between being off and on, on a whim, is stolen by a Spider-monster. They bring the Peter-Harry subplot to sort of closed, until a possible reveal which might be explained away by the cliff hanger that everyone suddenly has spider-powers. Oh, and Spider-Gwen shows up in this episode, everyone knows its Gwen Stacey but why she made her costume look like that, how she made the web fluid, don’t explain anything… also, she’s a hacker, no biggie. Also, they’re pulling random cr*p that Miles can do, pretty sure he can’t fire his venom blasts like that.

Spider Island part 2 is… is every episode of this 5-parter gonna be standalone? That’s really a waste! Anyway, with everyone having spider-powers thanks to the last episode, the arrival of HYDRA and Crossbones puts our heroes (minus Miles who does nothing) at great risk, at their help is Black Widow, and she has spider-powers too.

Spider Island part 3 is probably the strongest episode of this saga so far, dealing with stage 2 of the virus which turns people into spider monsters. There are 2 in this episode, the Gwen monster teased in the last episode and the one that stole the suit last time, who Harry thinks might be Norman Osborn. We get to see Peter and Harry bond again, my only complaint is how every spider-man except Peter gets organic web shooters whilst he doesn’t.

Spider Island part 4 is the first episode that I think is legitimately good, it feels like it’s the first of a 2-parter, with some setup carried over from previous episodes, has some great action, and finally sees Peter admit his secret identity to Osborn, better yet in a slam against the stupid scene in Amazing Spider-man 2 where Peter refuses to give his blood. It also asks where Miles is although why the Jackal didn’t just kill him is unknown.

Spider-Island part 5 is a better paced conclusion than the Doc Ock one, but Harry goes back to acting like a petulant child, so he’s annoying again. Norman Osborn confuses me, I was certain the Green Goblin was coming up, but they’ve avoided him so far.

Hobgoblin part 1 officially soured me on their version of Doc Ock, his egotism is annoying as f*ck, he’s like the riddler in Arkham City but Wally Wingert can pull it off, but Scott Menville can’t. Having the sinister 6 under mind control cheapens them somewhat as well.

Hobgoblin part 2 features Norman Osborn dying again, seriously? Miles is basically wasted, Harry gets his dues in character development finally (although why wasn’t he made head of the company the first time he died?)

Erm that covers the plot… let’s talk about the dialogue and voice acting

It’s pretty goddamn atrocious. The dialogue is terrible and rarely sounds like something human beings say. Peter Parker speaks his inner monologue aloud all the time, to a point where it makes me cringe every time he opens his mouth. This is actually referenced in Spider-Island part 1 but it’s not exactly addressed.

There is a pretty bad case of miscasting for a couple of people too. Josh Keaton is, in my eyes, not a good choice to play Norman Osborn. I like Josh Keaton, I’ve ringed his praises in both my Spectacular Spider-man and Voltron reviews (and if I haven’t, allow me to say, Josh Keaton is brilliant in Spectacular Spider-man and Voltron and Knack/Knack II as well) but, as much as he tries he has a very young sounding voice, not a great fit for someone like Norman Osborn.

The actress who plays Aunt May sounds like a goddamn robot. Nancy Linari doesn’t have a massive amount of history in voice acting and it sadly shows, although the voice direction all-round is relatively unimpressive. Gwen just sounds so generic, it’s hard to pinpoint my exact problem but I find her delivery flat and uninteresting. [Having heard Nancy Linari in the PS4 game, I'm willing to bet it's down to voice direction]

Their attempts to be funny rarely work

But my biggest complaint (yes, there’s another big complaint) is the animation and aesthetic. The use of CG doesn’t fit this aesthetic at all and feels like a shortcut. It breaks you out of the narrative when the CG and the character designs don’t blend together seamlessly and that’s very much the case here, which is particularly a problem during the swinging scenes. There’s a very cheap nature to the animation, which clearly uses flash as a way to cut corners, although perhaps it’s saving budget for the action scenes, which always seem smooth. Also what the f*ck did they do to Black Widow, why that hair cut?

Spider-man animated is a waste of animation, the storytelling is lacklustre, the dialogue is atrocious, delivered badly by bland vocal performances by anyone outside of the leads, and with cheap looking animation

THIS SERIES GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Rage Rating 300%