#60 - Secret Empire (part 1)

You may remember a while back, I covered Steve Rogers: Captain America. Written by Nick Spencer, it featured a revelation: that in bringing Cap back from being aged, the cosmic cube (Kobik) messed with reality and made him HYDRA, thinking that was for the best or something. I dropped the book after 4 issues because of its pacing, which was far too slow for my liking, but then we come to what it was all building up to, Secret Empire

Secret Empire was not a smash for Marvel sales wise with numbers dropping well below what is normal for an event comic. Why is that? Well, I’m not covering 13 issues in 1 go, especially when it’s of this sh*t, so I’ll be doing it in 3 parts making this my first and hopefully only multi-part review. Let’s take a look at Secret Empire

We’ll be looking at #0, the Free Comic Book day issue, and #1-3

#0 opens at the conclusion of WW II, Steven Rogers visits a guy in a silly helmet, named Kraken, they both serve Hydra. Steve apparently has a mission here, Kraken remarks on how far he’s come, posing as America’s hope whilst secretly sharing their secrets. They’re in a place called Asmoria, where another guy with a stupid hat lives, they have a messenger some kind of prophet I think. He foresaw Cap’s joining HYDRA and sent out Madame Hydra to recruit him as a kid.

Now, it’s revealed that the allies will use the cosmic cube to rewrite reality to win the war… You remember the cosmic cube thing, Kobik, the spirit of the cosmic cube is essentially the person responsible for Cap’s change in allegiance. So, in her own reversioned reality, the allies, who she believes to be the enemy changed history using her so that the allies won the war. Yeah… that makes… that makes perfect sense, 10/10 writing right there.

So, he’s tasked with waiting in a pool that’s for some reason safe from reality being warped around him or maybe it isn’t since they say he’ll wake up with new memories but Kobik will find him and undo the damage. Why is this convoluted sh*t here? So Kobik altered reality so thoroughly that she had to come up with a convoluted way not to make it an altered timeline… Or are they implying this was always the way… forget it, let’s move on.

So, Cap is head of S.H.I.E.L.D. because Maria Hill was a douchebag. And they’re in big trouble, a massive Chitauri (because movie reference) invasion fleet is approaching Earth and their planetary defence shield was just taken out by a HYDRA suicide bomber.

Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers) is in space with a team, including the Guardians of the Galaxy, the new Quasar and plenty of others I don’t recognise, ready to defend the Earth. Her plan is to have everyone funnel the Chitauri to Quasar, who can take them out within seconds as long as she can see them. As for the shield, the current Iron Maiden Riri Williams and the holographic memory of Tony Stark in an iron Man suit are working on getting it back online.

Meanwhile, the inmates of the former prison Pleasant Hill have swarmed New York, MODOK and a the Wrecking Crew are among them, though I don’t recognise all of them. Leading the charge is Graviton, who speaks loudly to New York that this is punishment for what was done to them. But leading the resistance is Luke Cage, with Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, Cloak and Dagger, Doctor Strange and Spider-woman.

Meanwhile, Sharon tells Steve of their missions, which he should already know about but HYDRA just attacked the Capital of Sokovia (because movie reference) and forced the government to surrender, they now have 7 nukes, and they lost contact with one of their heli-carriers, they’re sending in a fleet to find out what’s going on, 7 heli-carriers, one for each of the 7 nukes.

It’s not going well in the battle in space, Hyperion, who you might know has powers on-par with Superman has gone down, and soon Quasar becomes overwhelmed with the sheer number of Chitauri and is down also. With their 2 heavy hitters down, that shield is becoming essential. It’s not looking any better on the ground. Among the hitters is Nitro, Jessica Jones throws him over the city as he detonates.

The secretary of defence contacts Steve, with the situation as it is, she formally puts Steve in charge of the US military and every recognised law enforcement agency. With the time right, the shield seems repaired and reactivates, much to Stark and Riri’s confusion. Meanwhile more Avengers arrive to support the team in New York, mostly members of the Unity Squad and the Wasp, with the odds turned against them, the assembled villains teleport out of the way.

SHIELD find their missing heli-carrier, weapons disabled but it’s heading on a ramming course with the lead ship. HYDRA storm it but just as everyone’s about to fight back, Steve tells them to stand down. Sharon’s devastated to find out Cap’s HYDRA and she’s taken away.

It’s still not great in space, they’ve got multiple injured and need to get them through but then Stark and Riri discover something, the shield was never off-line, the suicide bombing was cover to do superficial damage to hide the fact someone had turned it off. They’re having trouble with communications. Cap contacts Marvel directly. They’ve captured a Chitauri Queen which means wave after wave of enemies will come and it won’t stop. With the shield up and Marvel on the other side, Cap is giving them their death sentence.

Turns out the attack on New York was a diversion. Zemo and Blackout now have possession of the Darkhold and use it to project a massive shadow dome over New York. Tony makes the call to everyone else. The Champions, the other Avengers and Spider-man head to DC where the now HYDRA controlled heli-carriers are hovering.

Whilst I hate this story overall, there’s no denying, this a really good setup, the problem is it’s #0 of the book. And #0 is not supposed to contain essential plot details. This issue should’ve focused on the setup, the super-villains and the Chatauri invasion, then have Cap’s thought boxes basically narrate how everything’s going according to plan or something. Maybe a little more insight in HYDRA’s invasion in Sokovia could’ve given us more non-essential details if they were short on page count.

The Free Comic Book day issue I’ll cover in brief detail because not a lot happens outside tonnes of narration from our unknown cheesy narrator that’s highly unnecessary and plagues this entire book. The artwork is utterly atrocious with colour filters everywhere. It’s a bunch of fighting that results in Cap somehow disarming Thor (Jane) of her hammer, reprogramming Vision and making the Scarlet Witch show her O face. Also, Cap can lift the hammer of Thor… right…

#1 opens with the new world order being established, teachers are now teaching how HYDRA won the war and that’s great because… you know, Batman Incorporated did this plot-line better several years ago. It was a smaller county and the teachers were plants, here it looks like the teacher's been brainwashed, which as far as I'm aware, isn't the case. Also, if you’d just jumped into this you’d be wondering what the hell was going on. One of the kids reports a guy who’s an inhuman who later gets detained by HYDRA. I suppose we get part of an explanation in the form of a distress call from Carol Danvers.

A kid we saw at the school is running from some HYDRA agents. He runs into Amadeus Cho. It’s protocol among them now to rat out any informants to HYDRA to see how they respond. They’re not too concerned, Cho is the latest incarnation of the Hulk, who easily beats down the HYDRA agents. They’re joined by Spider-man (Miles), the other Wasp and erm… someone else. But before they can find out what the informant has for them, they find out HYDRA dreadnaughts are inbound. They’ve been modified with the tech of the super-adaptoid which means they can counter heroes’ powers. The Fantasticar arrives to pick them up.

Meanwhile, Krigorrath is in DC ready to feast. Cap confronts him, offering his life in exchange for his services, when he refuse he’s attacked by Cap’s latest Avengers. Odinson, for some reason, Vision, Scarlet Witch, Superior Octopus, Deadpool, Taskmaster and Black Ant. Yeah, that’s great for public image, use known Super-villains in your Avengers team, sure that’s great for morale.

We have a HYDRA board meeting, yawn, inside we have Kraken, Cap, Arnim Zola, Zemo, Viper, Doctor Faustus, Hive, Gorgon and Madame HYDRA. Apparently, the Las Vegas incident with the Champions had gone public, getting a lot of views and rallying the public behind them. They urge Cap to respond.

Ben Grimm lets the team into their new base, the mount. The leaders of the group are Hawkeye and Black Widow. They’re not pleased with this, especially as it was only supposed to be a supply run. The kid, who’s now identified as Rayshen Lucas says he has some files from Rick Jones. He gives them to Tony but he’s busy and it’ll take 3 days for him to get to them

Meanwhile Cap is trying to schmooze Sharon with wine and dinner. She hates the very idea of working with HYDRA so refuses to help him and says the real Steve Rogers would know this is wrong, he says he is so she demands that he do one she’d recognise of him, sparing Rick Jones. Cap pays him a visit next, he used a phone to hack into HYDRA’s files, since it’s an important but disposable plot point, you’d think it’d be in the 0-issue but no. Rick isn’t interested, telling Cap that whatever was done to him, he’s not giving up hope it can be reversed.

Tony tells Rayshan that their attempts to save Cap have to lead to massive casualties, again something that SHOULD’VE BEEN SHOWN GODDAMN IT, how do you have 13 issues and not show off important plot points. And those massive casualties, I have no idea who any of them are because they’re not named heroes. They’re no longer trying to fight the regime, they’re just trying to survive.

Black Widow and Hawkeye flirt a bit before we see Doctor Strange’s attempts to use magic I think are being stopped by Madame Hydra. Cap and her discuss what needs to happen, there’s disloyalty in the ranks and he needs to send a message. So he does so, giving a speech to the public as Rick Jones is executed by firing squad and HYDRA cruisers attack Las Vegas.

The artwork in #1 is perfectly fine, but the next 2 issues I can’t say the same, every panel has a f*cking colour filter. It works fine, I guess in the Blacked-Out New York segments but for the rest of the story it becomes a strain to read them. I guess that’s a good thing that you don’t need to read this crap. With the plot happening in #0, it’s weird that so little happens in #1, I feel a bit more balance could’ve been shared there.

OK, enough stalling #2 opens with the heroes searching Las Vegas for survivors, there are some but not many. Black Widow believes Cap has to die. In New York it’s not great. Dagger is doing what she can to counteract the dark force but the effort will ultimately kill her. Making it worse, looters are robbing medication making it difficult to treat the wounded and sick. In the darkest times, the Kingpin comes out of the shadows, killing the thieves and promising people holding up in a church that will want for nothing, as long as they remember his kindness.

Natasha wants to kill Cap and tries to rally the others but Stark has uncovered the data, a message from Rick Jones which explains everything that had been going on, this was the last thing he did before he got arrested and later executed. Natasha isn’t interested, arguing that Cap would want to be killed if he would be responsible for the deaths of millions.

I’m gonna skip over the next scene’s full context because the artwork hurts my eyes, basically time to begin the cosmic cube fragment fetch quest that makes up the majority of the story. Why is this story 13 issues long? So Nat punches Hawkeye and runs off as we meet our volunteers for the heroes side of this fetch quest, all 6 of them. Ant-man, Hercules, Quicksilver, Mockingbird, Stark and Hawkeye.

OK, time for the bit that goes completely beyond sanity. In Civil War II, a prophet inhuman predicted that Spider-man would kill Cap so he’s joining up with Nat, along with the rest of the Champions. Oh my god, why? Also, Riri Williams is here for some reason, don’t ask me why. Ant-man takes his posse to Montana, he has a contact there that can get them out of the country, it’s Sam Wilson… ask me another why he isn’t fighting with the resistance right now.

So, back to somewhat passable artwork but plenty of pretentious narration. A girl is running for what look to be the Serpent Society. She’s caught and beaten up but the fighting stops when someone keeps them down. His name is Steve Rogers and he’s just trying to get home!

#2 features no action and barely any plot progression. The Wilson Fisk stuff is on point but even that’s ruined by the aggravating artwork.

Let’s finish this with #3, #3 opens with the passable artwork in whatever dream-scape this is, I don’t know who the girl but she was poisoned by the serpent society. He tells her he remembers little except the basics, he takes her to water, hoping she can survive the trip.

Meanwhile in a place that doesn’t have a background Star Lord, Baby Groot and Rocket are trying to convince some alien factions for support, all Marvel Universe Villain Factions, this plan could only backfire. They don’t care and are shooting, waves of Chitauri are becoming more and more frequent, oxygen is giving out and soon their heavy hitter isn’t waking up. Black Widow meets with Maria Hill, who managed to attain Cap’s social itinerary, some possibilities for her to make her move.

A training exercise: Nat has a bomb in her chest linked to her heartbeat, they have a minute to do something about it. They fail, again because they’re not willing to consider killing her. WHY ARE YOU HERE!? Also, where the f*ck are you, does Nat have holographic tech just installed randomly in a safe-house? Sam’s being mopey about something or another, but he’s been getting people across the border, 647 in total. But Tony mentions the cosmic cube theory and he’s okay with that.

After a brief period showing how HYDRA education is somehow producing results… HOW LONG HAS THIS REGIME BEEN IN POWER? From what I can tell it’s been a few weeks at most, it takes months, even years for the kind of change they’re going for.

So, sit-rep on the cosmic cube fragments. One is in Wakanda because Black Panther, one is in Atlantis because Namor. Black Panther didn’t take kindly to Zola’s incursion and when Zemo attempts to extract the cube from Atlantis, it’s discovered to be a fake, Namor having predicted this very move. In retaliation, Cap orders the temple on Atlantis destroyed. They have one other lead which Cap is gonna take on himself. This one is owned by Hank Pym aka Ultron.

Steve reaches the water but the girl dies, Steve lays her to rest in the water before carrying on alone. #3 concludes with the revelation that Frank Castle is now HYDRA. Because why f*cking not?!

Well, #3 was boring, just like the last issue. The cr*ppy artwork that does not fit with this title, character inconsistencies and plot holes are aplenty, cliché and pointless narration is everywhere and… OK that’s enough for one week. We’ll be back with more of this sh*t later.