Guilty Pleasures #11 - Doctor Who: Last Christmas

 

I have a love-hate relationship with Doctor Who in general, but even more so with the Christmas specials. The first 2 were decent, the next 2 were terrible, let's not talk about The End of Time, A Christmas Carol was average, The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe was awful, The Snowmen was meh and the Time of the Doctor was disappointing.

So you can imagine my expectations were not high looking into Doctor Who: Last Christmas, especially since it promises the involvement of Santa. I'm not a big fan of the more silly episodes of the show, and with Santa involved I was expecting a silly episode, boy was I wrong.

This barely counts as a guilty pleasure, but I promised I'd do a long review, and it's certainly not a rage issues topic, so let's dig into Doctor Who: Last Christmas and see what capacity Santa can possibly serve in a serious story.

It's CHRISTMAS!!!

It’s Christmas (I know, shocking, right?) Clara awakens to a crash on the roof and someone’s shouting at someone, someone who might be an elf. Clara opens the door to the roof (which is covered in snow because CHRISTMAS, also, door to the roof?) and finds a sleigh crashed into a chimney and Santa shouting at an elf. The reindeer have got loose and are flying about in the sky (so much for the reindeer training programme)

An elf finally notices Clara, and they are all a tad nervous after being seen. Santa goes to greet Clara, and apologises for crashing the sleigh, Clara is taken aback. She was a believer in Santa until age 9 when she ‘stopped believing in fairy tales,’ Santa questions this as the TARDIS arrives.

 

Oops, she's seen us, wait, isn't that a good thing?

The Doctor asks Clara to get into the TARDIS, the elves groan about being upstaged on a rooftop (Moffatt is better at writing caricatures than actual characters, the elves are our comic relief sidekicks for the evening) Clara enters the TARDIS. The Doctor tells Santa he knows what's happening, Santa disagrees and says that by the end of the night, he'll be glad of his help.

The Doctor pilots the TARDIS but is not speaking, despite Clara trying to engage in conversation. Suddenly the Doctor grabs Clara and says that there’s an important question she must answer, does she believe in Santa Claus? (Hard not to when he was on her roof a moment ago, but give it time) Clara says that, right now, she thinks does, roll titles!

 

Meanwhile, in CGI

In some sort of Arctic station, a woman is heading into the infirmary, guided from afar via remote headset. The woman is named Shona, and when she nervously claims she needs the toilet, they say they're monitoring all her bodily functions, she doesn't. They tell her to remember her brief, but she remembers all until her instructor put his hand on her knee and for some reason she was looking up his nose, and then grossing out over it.

Thankfully that provides a lazy opportunity for exposition. There are 4 ‘sleepers’ in the infirmary, they can sense everything she thinks or feels. It’ll be alright so long as you don’t think about them (then it's great that you just reminded her about it then, isn't it) or look at them. Music is sent to her headphones, and because CHRISTMAS it’s a Christmas song. Look, I was working in retail over Christmas (and still am, for the time being) and I got sick to death of listening to these songs, so you'll forgive me if my spirit for them is a tad muted.

She begins doing a crazy dance erm… yeah, that would be rather embarrassing if someone was monitoring… oh wait. God this reminds me of

The dance is interrupted as the door opens, revealing the Doctor and Clara. Shona thinks they're ghosts (because Ghosts need to open doors apparently) sighting the Doctor’s skeletal appearance. They enter the base and wonder what the sleepers are, and because of that they begin to awaken. The Doctor finds out from his magic wand, I mean sonic screwdriver that the sleeps are both deaf and blind needing to sense things with their minds.

I think this patient has a very serious skin condition

They home in on their own image in someone else's brain. They’re mind parasites that infect the minds of others, upon realising this, the Doctor and Clara both close their eyes. To try and break her retention of the memory, the Doctor gives Clara maths sums to think about, but she's too good, so the Doctor brings up Danny, claiming he could be being unfaithful, she slaps him and reveals he’s still dead. Before they could discuss this further the rest of the crew on the station arrive with their guns trained at the sleepers, some crabs/spiders come down from webs and onto their faces.

Attack of the killer spider-crabs

We get a shot of the outside, then Santa bursts in to rescue them using his… toy army? Good grief. Santa is riding Rudolph, we can tell because of his glowing nose. Santa activates the car lock thing on Rudolph (OK, this joke's dead now, find a new one) and sends the sleepers back to bed because he has the power to do that. (You'll see why later) a few bits of banter later we find that the creatures in question are Kantrofarri, colloquially known as dream crabs.

If there are enough of these on Earth, it's the end of the human race, so they need to get started if they want to save it. So naturally the next few minutes are filler and exposition. Shona quizzes Santa on his existence, he owns the North Pole, which is why he’s here, and there are many teams of sleighs delivering presents, explaining how Santa does so, so quickly (again, I stick by my time zone theory) also he feeds his reindeer magic carrots so they fly, and his sacks are bigger on the inside.

Reindeer. The only way to travel

With the dream crabs ability to alter perception, it's difficult to trust anything, but with the Doctor involved the lines of fantasy and reality are already blurred. The Doctor asks what the base is for and the response is ‘it's a long story.’ Clara berates the Doctor for bringing up Danny and they both unveil their lies from where we left them last. The Doctor tells her to interrogate everything in case it’s fake.

They’ve found some footage of a side expedition where they found the initial dream crabs, they were dormant until they thought about it too long. As they’re thinking about it, the captured dream crab that Santa had escapes.  The Doctor asks Clara to fetch the dream crab but she finds that it escaped. She sees the dream crab coming for her, and tries to distract herself but she fails.

 

SURPRISE!

She wakes up in her house. It's Christmas Day, and Danny comes in dressed as Santa, for some reason. He tells her to come downstairs for her surprises, but she guesses them immediately saying that they're what she's always wanted, and he's too clever to be wrong (yeah... only in your mind, Clara) she exits her room and finds messages on a chalkboard outside. Clara!! Dreaming!! Dying! You are dying.

 

You know, if all of this text was supposed to be in upper case, why dot the Is?

Suddenly there are chalkboards everywhere with the word “Dying!” written all over them.  She hears the Doctor's voice calling to her but after a while the chalkboards disappear, the voice in tow. In the base, the Doctor tries to talk to Clara, but his words fall of deaf ears, he calls upon Santa to find another dream crab for him, as it's the only way he can communicate. Time Lords are supposed to be slightly telepathic, you  know.

 

What is dream and what is reality? 

At Clara's house, there's a knocking at the door. The Doctor is here, he tries to tell Clara that it's a dream, but she knows, she wants to be happy with Danny again, he reveals that he too has a dream crab on his face. There's a slight pain in the side of Clara's head that's a sign of the dream crab piercing her brain. Danny finds out that Clara has only minutes and manages to talk her out of the dream, telling her to miss him for 5 minutes a day, but to get on with her life for the rest of her time.

Sorry, that song just came to mind when watching this scene, erm… Moving on. He says that people get together every Christmas as it might be the last time, every Christmas is Last Christmas (roll credits – sorry CinemaSins, I've just borrowed your joke, you can have it back now) the Doctor and Clara wake up and the dream crabs retreat, the dream crabs then disintegrate.

Clara still has the pain in the side of the skull, and soon everyone else reveals they have too, they're still under the influence of the dream crabs, or so the Doctor theorises, citing the scene before Santa's arrival. Santa's on the phone to an elf unit about the east coast or something, so the Doctor gives a test, he gives each of the 4 scientists a manual. Since none of them have it memorised, it couldn't possibly read the same in each version if it were a dream.

 

"Chocolate? Why did I get Chocolate?" Anyone else wanting some chocolate coins right now?

They try page 57, and then 24, and on both occasions the words are different, Santa comes in and claims the clues were there (the north pole with stripes, the stupid Rudolf joke) whilst the dream crabs tries to keep things realistic, the brain knows something is wrong and subconsciously Santa was placed within the dream.

 

We're a dream, which means we can be unfunny comic relief and get away with it

Santa wants them to hold hands to force themselves out, as for some reason they're in a shared dream (I'll get to this particular issue soon) they join hands, concentrating on the pain and they're back in reality. The wake up in the infirmary and escape the sleepers. The Doctor leaves, but when Clara questions why Santa was on her roof, he slaps his head, thinking about the 4 manuals and the 4 patients from earlier and rushes back inside, hating to have missed the obvious.

The Doctor asks each of the people (who are defined only by their stereotypes because they haven't actually been referred to be name yet) a question, they all answer “it’s a long story” he asks Clara why they came and she gives the same answer. The Doctor wonders why there are 4 manuals when there are 8 crewmembers. They try the trick again, but whilst they get 3 verys they also get a dead. Also the pain is still there.

 

Reaching through the screen now has a more awesome meaning

The sleepers are alternate versions of themselves, the base doesn't exist, and they’re pretty much all elsewhere, and they've been networked into the same nightmare for some reason. The sleepers represent the part of the brain that has given up. The sleepers start reaching through the monitors. They exit the base with the Doctor locking the sleepers inside. Abbott (the male one) is now gone from the dream, he's dead in the real world and the others don't have much time.

They try and enter the TARDIDS but since the Doctor's dreaming a sleeper version of him comes out of it. Suddenly because of Nightmare logic there are sleepers everywhere, the Doctor tells them to try and dream a way out. And of course they dream up Santa, with his sleigh and Rudolph in tow, they enter the slay and fly away. Santa knows all their home addresses.

 

Flying through the snow, in a 3 reindeer open sleigh, o'er the CGI we go, fearful all the way

The Doctor tells Clara to focus on whether or not she believes in Santa, she has always believed in Santa, but in her mind she looks a little different, she then embraces the Doctor. There was a scene, in a Moffatt story if I recall, where the Doctor did imply he was Santa Claus, jokingly I admit, but…

 1:26-1:30

Anyway, the Doctor takes the reins for a moment as we ride through green screen.  The scientists begin to remember their jobs. One by one they begin to wake up until it's just the Doctor and Clara. The Doctor wakes up on the lava planet looked like it was from that blackmail scene in the season 8 finale. The Doctor arrives and finds Clara, he uses his sonic screwdriver to remove the crab, it's been 62 years since they last met. Clara has had a decent life, but the Doctor wishes he’d come back sooner.

Anyone remember a similar scene in the Winter Soldier, only that one was real?

Santa comes in and asks whether he’s sure, the Doctor is still dreaming (OK, this is getting monotonous now, you've pulled this twist 3 times already!

The Doctor wakes up again and goes to find Clara again, this time Clara is young. The Doctor says the TARDIS is outside, and wants her to come with him. They wish each other a merry Christmas and head off to their adventures.

 

Enter my 'Time Machine' and we'll 'travel' together

So, what can I say about this story? It's very well written, surprisingly deep in places, plot twists you don't see coming (especially with the media saying Clara was quitting this year, which turned out to be false) and an enjoyable Christmas tale in general

My problems with this come to the characters who are fairly generic, we find out little about them, only knowing one of their names by voice, the others you get brief glimpses of their name badges from time to time. Santa is supposed to be generic, as part of the dream, and the comic relief is irritating, but no surprises there really.

The other thing is the contrivance. How do you get into a shared dream state? When the Doctor had a dream crab on in a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream, why did he enter Clara's dream, and not a dream of his heart's desire? Why would the dreams trap people in a nightmare, then trap them within that trap in a paradise? Why not find other ways of putting them in dreams within a dream than dream crabs. Maybe knock them out within a dream to put them in?

 

Wait, Shona had an arc? What did Dave do? He was never mentioned in the entire special!

But it’s a very good Christmas special, better than any of the Moffatt era specials, and most of the Russell T Davies ones.

Rage Rating : -99%

Next: I try and cash in on, I mean look objectively at the most popular animated film of all time, Frozen

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