It’s one of
most Disney’s most popular animated films, heralded as a classic, and the best
since the Lion King. Many people also think it’s highly overrated, and I’ve
seen criticisms ranging from ‘it’s too scary for children’ (it’s no scarier
than the Lion King) and ‘it promotes homosexuality’ (can these people just leave
the internet now, clearly you belong in a world before internet existed so...)
So, in what
is in no way an attempt to maximise viewer-ship of my site, let’s dig into
Disney’s Frozen, and see what charms and see what jitters are to behold.
It’s about
chopping ice and it’s called ‘Beware the Frozen heart’, does anyone remember
the words to this song? It's really not that memorable or interesting. But it does give us a chance to be introduced to
Kristoph, and his reindeer, Sven. Also goes on a lot about how ice is strong
(then how did you break it with a simple pick-axe) which will definitely come
into play later. (Also, are they selling ice for drinks or what? We never really
know what they sell ice for)
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| I can just picture a TV series starring these two |
We cut to
the Kingdom of Arindale. Anna, a very excitable young girl tries to wake up her
sister, Elsa at the crack of dawn, and not a single palace guard ushers them
back to bed, Anna asks the inevitable question ‘do you wanna build a snowman?’
They head to the great hall and Elsa begins to demonstrate her power, she has
control over ice.
You know for
someone who lacks control over her powers, she seems to have a lot of control
over her powers, but Anna’s moving too quick and Elsa slips up, she tries to
throw a shot to catch her but accidentally loses all sense of direction and
shoots upwards rather than at the floor, it unfortunately hits Anna’s head. Elsa
quickly calls for help, and in her misery the ground begins to freeze a
slightly lighter shade of blue than it already was, and the ceiling also begins to freeze.
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| I really should learn how to thaw my ice, in case one day I freeze the entire Kingdom |
Fortunately
the father knows of a convenient book, telling them of a race of magical rock trolls that
could heal her. Yeah… this would only make sense in a Disney movie. Kristoph
and Sven see the trail of ice left in their travels for some reason, and sets
off to investigate. One of the rock trolls decides to adopt them… You know, for
all you know Mrs Troll, Kristoph could have real parents (we find out later that he doesn't, but still). Anyway, the leader
asks whether Anna was born or cursed with the powers, the King replies that she
was born (ok, is that unusual around here, are there others, there don’t seem
to be and… Is Charles Xavier about?)
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| Are these guys really necessary in the overall story? |
Fortunately
Anna was hit in the head, and not the heart, so she can be healed, though the
troll decides that it’s best to remove any memory of Elsa’s powers, but she’ll
remember the fun? How the heck does that work? Ah some implanted memories,
because those are always so robust. Anyway, the lead troll talks specifically
to Elsa. Her powers will only continue to grow, and fear will be her enemy. He
also decides to show her a terrifying vision of what could happen. Because
nothing helps combat fear than terrifying them!! These trolls are *ssholes.
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| Nothing like a lot of red mist to scare the sh*t out of people |
The father
believes she can control her powers, but until then they’ll lock the gates, and
isolate Elsa from the outside world, because that will help combat her fear!
Well, I see stupidity is somewhat of a thing around here… Moving on.
It’s time for another song. The much better song, titled “Do you wanna
build a snowman?” The song serves to exposit about Anna’s point of view, in-between verses we see the parents attempting to help Elsa control her powers,
by telling her to conceal them (with gloves) now, here’s thing control and
conceal are not the same thing. What you’re doing, parents is creating an ice
powered time bomb.
Time passes and the King and Queen have go on some sort of voyage and
they’re caught in a storm and die (because this is a Disney, and no Disney
movie is complete without some sort of tragedy) Elsa does not take the news
well.
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| Bad hair day |
We cut to 3 years later (there also several yearly time skips during
the song, so we’re at least 10 years since their childhoods) and it’s the day
of Queen Elsa's coronation (unlike some, she isn’t gonna be a Princess for the
rest of her f*cking life) and the gates are finally going to open. We see some
people including grown up Kristoph and Sven, who share a carrot, with Sven
eating first, that’s probably going to end in illness. We also see erm… our
‘evil’ merchant character who’s so smart he exposits his evil plan out loud.
Nice to see we’re not going for subtlety with this one.
Anna clearly doesn’t awaken with the sky any more, as she’s not even
awake for the Coronation, and it’s time for another song ‘For the first time in
forever’ and we see Anna in her grown up form, and she’s really really a bit of
a clutz, and a little bit delusional about love. This… is totally
understandable given how she grew up pretty isolated from the outside world.
Elsa meanwhile is practising concealing her powers without the gloves, and it’s
failing.
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| Rule #1 of villainy, never have a goofy sidekick |
Anna decides to leave the castle, and ends up being knocked into a
boat, and we meet Prince Hans of the Southern Isles. She immediately flirts
with him, if not entirely intentionally. So the coronation begins. Elsa grabs
the royal things without her gloves, but they begin to freeze, thankfully the
speech ends quickly and she puts them back, and the bearer doesn’t notice.
So it’s time for the ball, and clearly these two sisters haven’t seen
each other in a while, they speak rather awkwardly to each other. Although both
are united in smelling the beautiful smell of chocolate? You know just because
something tastes good, doesn’t mean it gives off much of a scent. The only time
I’ve ever smelt chocolate was when making a chocolate blancmange, and that’s
because I added sh*tty chocolate flavouring to improve the taste. There’s no
way you can smell chocolate in what’s likely to be a quite large spread.
The Duke of Weselton or is it weasel-town offers Elsa the first dance,
she refuses but offers Anna in her place, and… I think the best thing I can say
about his dancing is that it’s… Unique, yes, definitely unique. Anna wishes it
could always be this way, but Elsa laments that it can’t. Anna walks away, and
trips, but is by the power of careful planning caught by Hans. I would normally
say plot convenience, but given his motivations (look, if you haven’t watched
the movie and intend to, you shouldn’t be reading this review, so I’m gonna
spoil this early) it makes perfect sense for him to try and get close to Anna.
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| He can't sing, he can't dance, but who cares? He walks like Rhianna |
They begin to dance, and talk and she really begins to fall for him.
Hans has 12 brothers (so people like his parents are the reason condoms were
invented... Let that joke sink in… I do apologise) And 3 of them pretended he
was invisible for 2 years, because they’re *ssholes, or he could be making this
sh*t up. Anna relates this to how her relationship with Elsa became and
it’s time for another song.
“Love is an open door” is basically a triumph to how quickly these two
fall in love. To be fair, it fits pretty well with Anna and with what we know
about Hans, so there’s little reason to suspect a charade. This leads to people
believing that the twist was under-foreshadowed. IE there was no clue to him
being a bad guy prior to him being one. You’ll see why I disagree with this in
a moment. But back to nitpicking: How did they get up on the roof? Why did
no-one stop them? Where is this clock? Does the palace have a clock? Why would
the palace have a clock?
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| Seriously, where is the damned clock? |
Then he proposes to her. And there’s my reason. I’m sorry, he seems
smart enough to realise that marrying someone you’ve only just met can have
consequences. Though it is a nice twist on a standard Disney trope, Anna
agrees, and they go to reveal the big news to Elsa, and asks for blessing. Elsa
is a tad cold in her stance on it, especially given that things could get crazy
again. Look, I know why you need to be isolated Elsa, but you can’t really
force that upon your sister as well.
She refuses to give her blessing, and orders that the party be ended
and the gates closed, Anna tries to call her back, removing her glove. Elsa
tells her if she can’t take it any longer, then she should leave. And that time
bomb I mentioned earlier is about to go off. Elsa finally snaps and reveals her
powers, the Duke accuses her of being a witch essentially. Elsa runs, but into
a courtyard full of people. She ends up freezing a fountain, and accidentally
fires an ice blast at the Duke, who calls her a monster.
She is chased to a lake, but she manages to freeze the waters as she
nears them, and she runs across them, without slipping once I add. The ice
spreads to encase the fjord, and somehow that means they’re facing an eternal
winter… Put the pieces together on that for me, I don’t get it. Since Anna
pushed Elsa away, she considers it her duty to go after our wayward queen,
leaving Hans in charge of the Kingdom. Yeah, let the guy you met a few hours
ago take charge of the kingdom...
It’s time for the song that everyone will remember this movie by. And
the one that spawned a million parodies. Idina Menzel kills it with this song,
it’s f*cking fantastic! So let’s get back to nitpicking the rest of the scene.
Once again, for someone who lacks control of her powers, she displays remarkable
control of her powers to build a bridge and a massive great ice palace and a
dress.
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| That dress is made of ice right, god that must be cold, good job it never bothered her anyway |
OK, so Anna tracks Elsa on her horse for a bit, but an icy branch scares off
the horse, leaving Anna to track through the snow, fall into icy streams, all
whilst wearing a Princess dress. Yeah, she’d have hypothermia and die before
she got anywhere near the castle. She sees a smoking chimney and proceeds to
that for warmth. There she tries to get some winter stock from the merchant.
Kristoph enters behind her looking for carrots and climbing gear. He says that
the source of the storm is on the North Mountain.
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| Do you wanna build a snowman? |
Unfortunately the gear he wants is suddenly 4 times the price because
of the winter (why are carrots rope and a pick-axes winter stock anyway?) but
Kristoph can’t afford it owing to him being an ice merchant and demand ceasing
(seriously, it’s been eternal winter for like 5 minutes, surely you have some
profit from yesterday say) he’s kicked out for suggesting that the merchant was
a crook, but Anna is fortunately rich enough to buy his stuff as well as her
own (where was she keeping that money, anyway?)
She gives Kristoph his stuff, under the condition that he take her up
the North Mountain (OK, there’s a duet with Kristoph playing and Sven, but it
barely counts as a song, and is just a summary of his disgusting craziness) he
agrees to take her, and they head off on his sled. She explains what happened
and even Kristoph thinks it’s crazy that she got engaged to someone she only
just met. They continue their banter, until they’re attacked by a pack
of ice wolves, they race to the edge of a cliff, where Kristoph is forced to
forsake his sleigh, and all of them jump a ludicrous distance, whilst the sled
doesn’t make, falls down the cliff and explodes? Seriously what happened there?
Did he carry dynamite in there? Did the lantern smash, and if so why didn’t the
snow put it out?
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| I'm here to kick ass and rescue my sister, and my sister's still miles away |
They
continue their trek to the North Mountain. And they meet Olaf, apparently
Elsa’s powers now include creating life? Err OK? And it’s time for another
song: The irony song as I like to call it, as Olaf dreams about his life in
summer. Back in Arindale, the Duke is a little irate over the situation,
especially as to help people keep warm, they’re giving away a lot of
potentially tradable goods. The Duke only really does one bad thing in the
entire movie, aside from being a general *sshole. He’s not really a villain
here.
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| Coming to a Greetings card store near you this summer |
Anna’s horse
returns, leading to Prince Hans believing she’s in danger, the Duke volunteers
two of his men, instructing them to kill Elsa if they get the chance (that’s
his only truly villainous act in the entire movie folks)
Anna and
Kristoph reach the mountain, but it’s too slippery to climb, as Anna
demonstrates, thankfully Olaf finds a set a stairs leading straight up to the
castle. Anna climbs the stairs, and asks the others to wait while she talks to
her sister. And it’s time for “First time in forever part 2” I’ve got to give this to the movie, the
singing is fantastic, not just by Idina, but by pretty much the entire cast. Anna
reveals that Arindale’s in eternal winter, and Elsa has no idea how to reverse
it (there’s another one for the parents to try to teach her) Elsa accidentally hits Anna in
the chest.
To force
Anna to leave, she creates a giant snowman monster, it chases them to the edge
of a 200ft cliff, they try and descend with a rope and a snow anchor, but the
snowman begins to reel them in. Anna cuts the rope and they fall 200ft into a
pile of snow. I know that snow is soft, but that probably still should’ve
killed them. Anna’s hair is turning white from when Elsa shot her, so Kristoph
agrees to take her to the magic rock trolls to fix it.
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| If only he could just Let it go |
Elsa tries
to use her concealment technique to melt the ice, but it doesn’t work, because
it’s stupid. Anna and Kristoph arrive at the troll's home and it’s time for another song, the trolls attempt to
get the two together. These are love experts? They’re forcing two people to get
married based on absolutely nothing! God I pray for the humanity of this world,
if this is what they define as love experts. Hell, Olaf has 1 line that proves
him a better love expert than them. Although some of that last verse is heavy
foreshadowing for what’s to come.
“People make
bad choices if they're mad,
Or scared,
or stressed.
Throw a
little love their way.
And you'll
bring out their best.”
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| What marriage tradition is this taking the p*ss out of? |
Anna faints,
and finally that troll elder we saw from earlier shows up. The ice is in her heart,
and only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart. For example a true love’s
kiss. This is where some idiot decided to leave the theatre during a critic screening, all fool them.
Hans and his men find their way to the Northern Mountain and fight their way
past the snowman. The Duke’s two goons chase and corner Elsa, and she’s forced
to fight. In the fight she’s captured by a falling chandelier, she’s imprisoned
and sees the true extent of her damage. She begs Hans to let her go, and he
says he’ll do what he can. Of course he’s not going to, again fuelling the fact
that she’s a bad guy.
Kristoph
takes Anna to the castle… Gee, he really has changed as a person in all of 2
hours. Elsa is taken to Hans, who is in a meeting with the Duke and… some other
people. They all leave, leaving the two together, he goes in for the kiss, but
stops short revealing his plan to kill Elsa and take the throne. Wait? His plan
never involved killing Anna, why is he leaving her to die? He puts out the fire
and leaves, locking the door behind him.
He goes to
the others and says that Anna is dead, and that Elsa killed her… OK, so that’s
why he left Anna to die, but isn’t it suspicious that they all heard about the
true love thing, and yet they decided to say their marriage vows instead! I am
overthinking this. They all agree that Elsa must die. Elsa breaks free of her
cuffs and begins to run. Sven tries to make Kristoph go back, but he refuses,
until he sees a massive snow cloud brewing.
Meanwhile
Olaf finds his way into the room where Anna is, somehow using his nose to pick
the lock… He puts the fire on, allowing Anna to warm up and buying her some
time. Anna laments that Hans’ love was not true love, and despite the risk of
melting, Olaf agrees to stay and work out a new way, he suggests that love is
putting other’s needs before your own. (And you totally stole that line from
Green Lantern: The Animated Series, probably) like how Kristoph left her here.
So she instinctively believes that Kristoph is her true love.
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| Her hair is white, she is white, she is Snow White |
With the Palace freezing up, Olaf and Anna race to Kristoph, Kristoph is caught in the
storm, which keeps getting worse. The harsh winds begin to move the ships,
creating cracks in the ice, the cracks begin to spread, and Sven ends up
falling through one, and despite the fact that there is no way anyone would
survive that in this weather, he survives that. Hans catches up with Elsa,
somehow, and tells her that Anna died at her hand. She falls to her knees and
the blizzard stops, Anna now sees Hans is about to kill Elsa, Anna catches the
sword, turning to ice and shattering the blade. Fortunately this act of true
love thaws her frozen heart, and she quickly reverts back to her former self.
And to make
this ending both poetic and sappy, it turns out love will thaw the ice and undo
the damage done to Arindale. So glad that her parents made isolated her making
this seem impossible for most of the movie. Olaf begins to melt, but Elsa now
has complete control of her powers, because really she always did know how to
use them, just never how to turn them off, and she creates a personal flurry for
Olaf. Oh, and they’re on a boat now for
some reason.
Hans
recovers and is surprised to see Anna alive, Anna then punches him off the boat
(I grinned at this scene, a lot) so, Hans is thrown in jail ready to be taken
back to his 12 big brothers, the Duke loses all trade with Arindale. Despite
the fact that he really didn’t do much wrong aside from being a sleezy and cowardly
scumbag, but maybe that’s enough. Anna takes Kristoph to his new sled, and they
kiss. (OK, yeah, still a rushed romance, but at least they haven’t gotten
engaged yet) Anna now has the confidence to display her powers and they ice
skate as the movie draws to a close.
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| Coming to greeting card store this winter |
So, that was
Frozen, and…
I f*cking
love this movie! And I really don’t care for most of these types of movies. OK,
it’s connection to the snow Queen is loose at best, and yes, this movie is not
flawless, but when put under a microscope, no movie is. Is it overrated,
possibly? It’s catchy songs win most audiences over without much thought for
the plot.
The
animation. This is the most gorgeous mixed hand-drawn/CGI animation I have seen
since Legend of Korra. The atmosphere is brilliant, the voice acting is
spectacular, and the singing tops off this spectacularly.
I love how
they take tropes on their heads. A lot of these are about weak women relying on
men to save them. Sure, Kristoph isn’t useless in the movie, he does some
saving, and goes out of his way to save Anna at the end, even if he isn’t the
one who eventually ends up saving her, but this is portrayal of strong female
characters
 |
| Is your bullsh*t detector blaring at this? |
Those who
say this promotes homosexuality (you’re still here? I thought I told you to
leave the internet) there is more than 1 type of true love. A love between
sisters can be just as powerful, and the movie demonstrates that well actually.
Also, Anna ends up with Kristoph at the end anyway
So, why is
this a guilty pleasure… erm… girls movie???
Rage rating:
-210%
For more reviews click here
Images used in this review are from Frozen and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.
For more reviews click here
Images used in this review are from Frozen and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.
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