Xmas Special - Arron Redbeard Adventures - The 12 Deaths of Christmas

Christmas has come once again and it’s time to look back at those mistakes you’ve made and work a little course-correction. I’ll try and do more of that with my next segment but for now, it’d be hypocritical if I didn’t once in a while trash my own stories. This is the 12 Deaths of Christmas.

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Let’s start with the title. You can already tell this is going to be depressing. But it’s that and so much worse. Also, it’s a lie, there aren’t 12 deaths in this story. Depending on how you see it there could be a hell of a lot more.

The story starts in media res, Arron is heavily injured and being attacked by persons unknown, there are pilgrims with him who help, one encourages him not to fight but the enemy has other ideas, Arron throws a grenade at them, but a few still stand and eventually Arron is knocked out. Merry Christmas everyone! Falalalala la la la la

Time for some exposition. General Wells, head of UNAMAT, the cross between UNIT and S.H.I.E.L.D. before S.H.I.E.L.D. actually came into this universe. Wants Arron to help escort some Christians on an annual pilgrimage from Tibet to Bethlehem. Why Tibet? F*ck if I remember. As well as having to through the usual militia of Iraq and the like, there have been people disappearing and the number closes in on 364, the exact number of presents given on the 12 days of Christmas song, also 1 less from the number of days in a year. This was really just forced way of tying it into the title.

So, Arron arrives in Tibet and greets the military convoy that will helping escort the pilgrims. They’ll be taking a coach, specially armed with a sentry gun. Because that just screams PILGRAMAGE, doesn’t it? Since the plane is conveniently delayed, Arron decides to scope out the only Catholic church in Tibet, he unleashes holo-cameras, which is something he rarely ever does, and begins quietly scoping out the church. Something that’s totally allowed

We cut to 6 hours later. Arron has been doing this for 6 hours now, I’m not sure what part of the church he hasn’t covered at this point, anyway, he's is informed by his partner Anarax that there are some odd ultra-violet signatures behind a wall. Because the rules of plausibility are completely capable of being bent to the will of the plot, there’s a secret passage behind the wall leading to a Lazarus pit. Also, the words ‘beware the power of the 12’ are written.

Hovering over the Lazarus pit are 121 bodies and none of them have decomposed (this 363 bodies was done 1 body per year) because plot convenience, this is brought up but the explanation is hand-wavy. A priest joins in and finds a book with the names of all the dead people because of course that would be kept lying around.

An earthquake begins forcing the bodies into the Lazarus pit (and that's never happened before ever), Arron decides now’s the best time to blow it up, forgetting that blowing up something under a church would likely take the church with it. The priest holds him back but is dragged into the Lazarus pit by the ‘resurrected’ pilgrims. The Lazarus pit may harm the dying, but it’ll kill the living. Arron activates the explosive and somehow isn’t charged with international terrorism when he returns to the airport.

Time to meet our happy little pilgrims. George, who hates guns because religion. Frank who is a little more sensible, Gene, who is later revealed to be a traitor, spoilers. Evelyn who really doesn’t give a sh*t (so why is she there?) and Rachel, who is pregnant. That’s literally about everything with their characters folks. I’ll gladly admit character is not my strong suit.

One of the soldiers gets on the sentry gun and WAIT A MINUTE. A sentry gun by definition is an automated weapon. Controlled maybe remotely but usually by sensors. What’s been described here is a turret. My bad.

So we cut ahead a few hours, Arron defeated a few Al-Qaeda followers and they spent several hours bribing their way into Iran. Rachel’s getting pregnancy pains and of course she’s going to give birth by the end of the story. It’s still a month due but that’s hardly going to stop them. Evelyn asks to stop and they do so but are soon attacked by 5 guys with rocket launchers. Arron uses his weapons jammer to defeat them with ease. Frank tells him that he should’ve just let them blow up the bus and now they’re a target. Just a head’s up, Frank is insufferable, despite a moment ago being the more sensible one. If you’re Christian, you may be offended by the portrayals here.

So, the bus drives off but Arron interrogates one of them, finding they were a distraction whilst something has sabotaged the bus’ engine, causing it to accelerate at an unstoppable rate. Question, how did the bus not hit something? Arron managed to get them into Qurac but they’re heading towards Bialya, which is now a military run state after the death of Queen Bee during the event Cataclysm. Which is like the Arron Redbeard version of Days of Future Past except 72 episodes long and with numerous side-tracks.

Arron somehow manages to catch up and stop the vehicle just in time. He’s no expert in body-shop repairs but Anarax is, so Arron calls her down to analyse the coach and ensure it’s safe. He decides to head into Bialya to continue his investigation.

There’s a temple in Bialya that was an operating point for the people that attacked them. Arron finds the next set of 131 bodies and a Lazarus pit, he also finds some inscriptions which he translates. In this universe, Jesus’ birth is a matter of fact, regardless of whether people believe he’s the son of god or not. He believed it, and worked to help people free themselves from corruption from a group of Devil Worshippers called “The 12” creative name, I hope you agree. Jesus’ crucifixion was supposedly arranged by the 12 but when they discovered some bullsh*t prophecy that said his death would be theirs, they used the Lazarus pit to bring him back to life.

His confronted by a military commander, who is a servant of the 12. Arron defeats him and knocks him out. Back at the coach, the group become under fire from snipers from across the border. Anarax protects everyone but can’t go on the offensive. Using his bike as a temporary distraction, Arron begins taking out the snipers but before he can take on the last one he’s hit in the stomach.

His body armour took the worst of the damage, it avoided any vital organs but he’s bleeding out and his wound needs to cauterised. Anarax uses a magnet to draw out the conveniently magnetic bullet and Arron uses his electric gloves to do it. Pretty sure those gloves are covered in bacteria that would infect the wound and probably couldn’t get hot enough to do that job. Anarax heads back whilst the coach departs.

We cut to the group in Syria driving through a civil war. Anarax has noticed a ‘guest’ on Arron’s heli-carrier which in space so that really makes little sense but whatever. The rebels have been heavily armed by the 12. Arron fixes up his weapons jammers to make it so that no-one within a medium range can shoot them but they can shoot back, somehow.

They’re still at risk from snipers though and they’re soon under fire again. Arron takes remote control of it (now it’s a sentry gun, sort of) as the soldier manning the gun is killed. Why he didn’t do this earlier is unknown, he could've saved that poor schmuck's life. Ninjas appear on the heli-carrier and attack Anarax. A man named Lee tells her they’re from the Tong and they need her help.

Arron talks to George, Gene and Frank and it’s time for some backstory. Gene’s family was killed by a division of the League of Assassins called the Tong, aka those ninjas from earlier. He was to be adopted into them but couldn’t bring himself to kill, so why the Tong didn’t kill him is beyond me. Frank’s family was killed by the Penguin and upon calling God, he discovered some wrongdoings in his family. So the moral here is no-one who dies is ever innocent. F*ck me for saying that!

25 miles from their destination and the coach’s engine randomly cuts out for no reason. Arron spots explosive underneath the vehicle and they all evacuate. They’re still under fire and all the redshirt soldiers are all killed leaving just Arron and the pilgrims. Frank continues to be insufferable as they walk the rest of the way.

Anarax is teleported into the church in Tibet, which somehow isn't rubble after Arron blew it up. Apparently the 12 were given special access to Lazarus pits and their lengthy use of them has drove them insane to the point even Ra’s al Ghul thinks they need to be stopped, not that these guys actually serve old Ra’s. They discover some of Arron’s cameras are still around, somehow and Anarax agrees to see what’s going on by checking out the footage, but she does acknowledge the Tong can’t be trusted and somehow managed to teleport onto a spaceship. Hope you’re not looking for an answer for that, you won’t be getting one.

A leader of the 12 was dragging the no longer alive bodies away to the ‘harmony’ site, they want the pilgrims alive and it was actually the Tong that have been targeting the envoy, despite the fact one of them confessed their allegiance to the 12 in an earlier scene. The 12 believe in a second coming, the Tong want to stop it and they both believe that Rachel is the new mother. The gaps in logic are astounding here. The Tong want Anarax to distract Arron whilst they kill Rachel.

Anarax sees a second camera with the leader of the 12 talking about a weapon which must be activated soon, Anarax deduces that’s what the Tong really want.

3 minutes to midnight on Christmas Eve, Arron and the pilgrims arrive but Arron realises the bullet he took must’ve been coated in a toxin and he’s feeling very weak. He faints and 4 hours later he wakes up and finds that Rachel’s baby is coming. Anarax arrives and provides Arron with an anti-toxin for the bullet, he drops it and Gene holds a gun, told you he was a traitor. Anarax blasts him backwards, having been told earlier there was someone on the inside. Arron finds the antidote and injects himself with it.

The baby is born, but before any time they have to celebrate the stable is blown up. They’re knocked backwards by a red sphere which Arron claims to be the tech from an alien race from a previous story but we later find out it isn’t. Arron teleports Anarax away because he’s a chauvinistic jackass and we basically get that bit from the scene earlier.

Arron wakes up strapped to a table near a Lazarus pit underneath Bethlehem because of course there’s one here. They decided not to kill him whilst he was unconscious because erm… They’re idiots? They kill the baby and push the table into the Lazarus pit. Arron survives and the Tong arrive and them and Rachel fight them off. Not sure what happened to the others, they’re never mentioned again. Rachel, devastated from the loss of her baby, throws herself into the Lazarus pit, killing herself and the Tong steal the ring and bring it to their master, the Mandarin. The Mandarin is a Marvel universe character, there was a universal merge at the end of season 4 which brought Marvel characters into the ARU, this story was mid-way through that season, even the ending doesn't make sense.

I know this could be considered ironic but Jesus this is a depressing ending to a depressing story.

It’s got your average conveniences and plot-holes, and the fact that the characters are either one or zero-note but add the irritating reliance on Christianity and non-sensical bullsh*t to relate it to the title. Then add that it’s the most depressing Christmas story this side of a soap opera and the fact that any questions that are answered at all are answered in season 6, 3 years later, more or less, I come to the conclusion that this is probably my least favourite piece of work I’ve ever done.

Rage Rating 100%