#41 Captain Sabertooth and the Treasure of Lama Rama

Remember Dazzler? I do. They’re the distributor who gave us Antboy, the terribly dubbed awfully acted piece of sh*t that stands in my top 10 least favourite things I’ve done a Rage Review on (guess the top 2, go on, it’s not that hard) anyway, I’m doing another review of a movie from that studio… fun times…

Captain Sabertooth is apparently a thing in Norway, with books, stage-plays, theme park attractions and a TV series. Here we have a movie adaptation badly dubbed into English. Yay… Because this is Dazzler media, I have to mention something about cost, this is the most expensive Norwegian kids movie ever made.

Released in 2014 during the massive hiatus of Pirates of the Caribbean due to their various production issues. The film gathered a mixed reception to say the least, it has a 5.7 rating on IMDb and a 0% audience approval rating on rotten tomatoes, although that’s based on just 5 ratings, compared to IMDb’s 406. But let’s see if this movie delivers the swashbuckling action I’d look for in a pirate movie.

Spoilers: No, it doesn’t.

I’ll give it this credit, it doesn’t spend 50 years giving us the studio logos and cuts straight into the action. Pinky was apparently a survivor of a shipwreck or something. His father, named Morgan, had made him a lifeboat and he was the only survivor found by Captain Sabertooth and whoever our narrator will be introduced as. Pinky’s response is a cause of concern

“But I’m not a baby anymore, why can’t I go on the raid?”

1. What were you talking about before this origin story, how did it get brought up.

2. I can assume both of you already know this origin, so we’ve got a lazy writer cliché of two characters talking about something they both already know

3. What has his origin story got to do with the reason he can’t go on the raid. He didn’t inadvertently cause the shipwreck, did he?

4. What kind of response is that? If this is the first time you’ve heard this story (which I doubt but…) what kind of kid reacts to the news that he was the last survivor of a shipwreck with “I’m not a baby anymore” no shock, sadness or fear

The pirates are heading to Ape Island (creative titles were all used in the Disney movies) where they find some kind of ape cave thing. We’re introduced to Captain Sabertooth who for some reason was not leading the charge. He speaks like Christian Bale if he were smoking 60 packs a day and erm, question for Norway. Did Captain Sabertooth usually have white makeup over his face, because what kind of sense does that make?

Seriously, why is Captain Sabertooth wearing white makeup? He’s a pirate, he’s been out on the open sea. How can he find gold if he can’t even find a decent place to sunbathe? They enter the cave, avoiding the easy to spring trap and they dig for the treasure, find the chest but find only a feather inside. Saberooth slams the chest angrily and a side cabinet opens revealing a journey for Lama Rama. Question, what was the point of using the side cabinet? If it was to keep it hidden, why did it open when the main chest was slammed shut? That’s not well hidden, it may as well have been in the chest.

The King’s Palace in Lama Rama brims with gold and jewels. Their most precious treasure is the King’s Pearl, and what they have is a map. OK so we find out later that Lama Rama is populated, it’s actually implied here as well, so why is anyone leaving a map on Ape Island for pirates to find? Why are they specifically describing the most valued of their treasures?

One of the crew is about to sneeze so another holds his nose and instead he farts… High-brow humour for all the family here folks! And it’s not just a fart, it’s a loud, gusty fart, the kind that only really happens in sh*tty movies. It alerts the apes so the pirates decide to retreat back to the ship. One of the pirates gets strung up in a trap and because pirates are a comraderous bunch (here anyway), Captain Sabertooth frees him. In Pirate of the Caribbean he’d be left for dead and we’d be down one idiot.

So the apes, which are kept off screen to save the CGI budget are hauling coconuts at them until they reach the beach where they stop for some reason. The idiot Sabertooth rescued earlier decides to tempt fate and is hit directly on the head with the coconut. OK, why aren’t there more coconuts flying? Do apes on this island understand English or Norwegian? Why aren’t the apes coming out onto the beach, other than the need to save money obviously? Oh and he’s dead now, why didn’t they just leave him strung up?

So they’re setting course for Abra Harbour. I don’t know much but apparently Abra Havn is a Pirate themed Norwegian hotel village thing, given the tripadvisor page, I wouldn’t be surprised if the following scenes were actually shot there. Also said to be the home of “Kaptein Sabeltann” which is Norwegian for Captain Sabertooth.

Sabertooth asks that a message be sent ahead saying there will be a great challenge and the winner be the next cabin boy.

We cut to Abra harbour where Pinky is attempting to do some climbing for some reason but ends up falling, breaking several bones and bringing this film to its merciful early conclusion.

  

Yeah, I wish. No, he’s fine. His friend tells him about the great challenge and he says he needs her help, they rush through the market where his adoptive mother, I presume, mentions something about tidying and being grateful that’s largely irrelevant and probably could’ve been cut from the film. He explains to his friend what the great challenge is and explains his Achilles heel, he can’t swim. Well, there was no need for a diatribe on his origin earlier, that should’ve been the reason Pinky wasn’t allowed to be cabin boy. He asks that his friend teach him.

So she does what any rational teacher would do, and pushes him straight into the water. Apparently that’s how she was taught, yeah, right… Anyway, Pinky doesn’t even move from the spot prompting his friend to dive in and rescue him. The stock bullies take the p*ss because they’re stock bullies, if they have any purpose in the plot, it’s beyond me to notice. The pirates return to a cheer that’s not exactly common for people who are supposed to be notorious outlaws. As they walk along the harbour they spot or rather don’t spot some totally not suspicious people doing sh*t they probably oughtn’t be near a fishing boat.

Pinky hears a screeching monkey and investigates the fishing boat. He releases the monkey and finds swords and a pirate flag. He heads out to warn Captain Sabertooth but is captured. The ship, the Dark Lady, in no way a reference to the Black Pearl, is stolen by the other pirate group, lead by Bjorn the Brave, a guy who swore he’d given up Piracy forever, so we’ll never to deal with his illegal videos, no wait, he means he’d claimed to have given up being a pirate, and was believed. Isn’t lying a traditional pirate code?

Anyway, they gloat, one even drops his back and shows his bum to them, classy. Anyway, Sabertooth hints he has a backup plan or something. And we cut back to the Black Lady. After a load of nothing with them, we cut back to whatever ship Sabertooth’s using now. Pinky’s friend, who we learn here is called Raven sneaks aboard the boat. She’s spotted by the adoptive mother, but she locks them both in and throws away the key. So Batman, what do you think of that plan?

Good job there was no supplies needing to go in there, or any reason why the rest of the crew would want access before they depart. Also, better hope there’s a spare key somewhere because otherwise you’re not getting out. Pinky’s brought to Bjorn, who claims to have met his father, very much alive, a man who claimed to have named his son Pinky, of course this could’ve been before his death but they take it to mean that he’s maybe still alive.

He offers to tell him about his father if he can read the map, and I kind of agree with Pinky who says that they’re not very good pirates if they can’t read a treasure map. Pinky doesn’t help them until he’s on the plank with a sword to his neck. He tells them it’s the way to Lama Rama. And they immediately set course despite not knowing where they’re going and just moments ago thinking it was fictional. Maybe they can read the map and not the inscription? Why would pirates care if they can read the map? Anyway, Pinky’s kept alive since he’s the only one who can read. Way to make your villains intimidating, needing a child to help them read.

Fortunately for Pinky, the monkey followed him on board and unties Pinky as Captain Sabertooth approaches. He heads down to find a telescope and notices the locked cabin which he shoots open. He initially wants them both killed on the grounds of sexism but upon one of them drawing a sword is instantly dissuaded. Jack Sparrow would’ve engaged, another reason he’s the better pirate. Oh, her name is Rosa, we found out now, and the narrator from earlier is Longfinger, we’ve had that a while.

Pinky has snuck his way to the kitchens and finds a knife, also Tulley, who was the original chef who’d been hiding in potatoes. He offers his sword but not his body since he’s a cowering wuss. Pinky heads to discreetly cut the sails to slow the Dark Lady down, as discreetly as it is possible to do that, and by that I mean he’s soon running from pirates coming in every direction. He drops from the mast but because Pinky is immune to falling he survives.

Bjorn is about to put Pinky out of my misery but sadly Sabertooth and his crew arrive and force their surrender. Glad to see we don’t get to see them fight, because that would be boring. They’re left without working sails to drift somewhere, rather than killed or put through cruel and unusual punishment because Pirates are nice like that. But they have spare sails and prepare to make their next move

Sabertooth congratulates Tulley for the victory despite the fact that if they were close enough to make their move they would’ve seen that it was Pinky. Raven stands to say it was Pinky, knowing full well this could be awkward and embarrassing now for him. I mean Sabertooth could reprimand them both and have them scrub the deck, which is exactly what he does.

Longfinger and Pinky talk about his father. Pinky asks why Bjorn would lie. OK, fine

Seriously, would you like the list in alphabetical order? So Longfinger makes him promise never to bring it up again, so naturally this plot point will come up again. A storm is coming is the cannons need securing or something so naturally it’s time for a song.

Pity that smokey Christian bale can’t really sing. So after that bit of pointlessness they arrive at Lama Rama. A fully populated city. Sabertooth has a plan, his crew are to sneak in the back door on the map. To ensure the door is unlocked Longbarrow and Rosa will pose as a rich german merchant and his wife. Sorry for asking but why German? Are the intending this to be a bit racist or is it just the cr*ppy dubbing. How about a rich Norwegian/English merchant, they do exist, you know, and they might actually be able to speak the language. Oh yes, we’re going that route. Also very fortunate that Rosa managed to sneak aboard, else this plan could never have worked.

So after some awkward romance, Sabertooth says that Pinky and Raven won’t be coming ashore because they’re surplus to requirements. Which is actually kinda smart. So they begin covering up their obvious pirate motifs to make it look like a german merchant’s ship, again, smart. Wow, that’s two times in a row, would you like a lie down, movie?

Pinky dresses up and stows away aboard the boat taking them to shore. And we get the first of our awkward German jokes. These are about as funny as getting a sharp stick shoved up your rectum. Of course, Rosa can speak perfect German because… potatoes. Pinky reveals himself and is chewed out a little before they’re all caught by some guards who look ridiculous. They’re taken into the city where we’re introduced to the obvious villain of the movie. He’s Prince Badal, brother of King Rufus, needs prompts to say the right praises and even then says them half-heartedly. I see a failed rebellion in his future.

Then we get this line, when they ask who they are

“Monsieur Prince Badal, I am Lord Fandango of Sauerkraut” wow, 1 word of that was German, and even then it was wrong in context. I need alcohol to get through this one. He introduces Rosa as “Lady Fandango of Schinken” which is german for ham. Is this the dubbing, did they do this in the Norwegian version too? Prince Badal seems to see through them and thinks they’re french, they’ve spoken so many different languages so far I’m surprised you can tell. OK, so Rosa’s perfect German from earlier seems to have stopped and we get more painful language gags.

In comes King Rufus, or as I’m going to call from now on, King Camp. He wears what could be considered a dress, complete with flowery cape and a wig the size of the empire state building, ok it isn’t but it’s frickin' massive. Bedal tries to convince him that they’re a bunch of lying impostors but King Camp is too excited at the prospect of visitors that he orders a party. I’m just going to put a coin in the jar now for him.

Pinky decides to blow the entire game by not even trying to speak german whilst asking for an invite to the party, even introducing himself as their son.

He takes them on a tour of the palace, first stop: the treasure chamber. This story’s going to break me, isn’t it? How f*cking stupid are you people?! You’d think a group that haven’t seen an outsider in years might be a little less trusting. Anyway, they get to the door where King Camp has to enter a code, he makes them all turn around only to speak the entire code out loud anyway. Good job.

So, they enter the treasure room and it’s full of all the all the treasure polystyrene could conjure and various practical jokes. So that’s why he showed them around. He also says this

“All the riches a man can possess are worth nothing without laughter” calling it now, the King’s Pearl is a practical joke. Now excuse while I grumble about obvious foreshadowing.

So the party begins and erm it’s time for another song number. The dubbing in this movie is sh*t, I don’t know if I’ve brought that up yet. Because it is. Really sh*t. Captain Sabertooth and his men head to the shore but sadly the song continues. Prince Badal brings the song to a merciful conclusion, accusing King Rufus of turning them into a laughing stock and wasting their gold on fripperies and frivolity rather than using it to be a military force. So, when’s that rebellion coming?

King Rufus the party to its conclusion and sends the trio to their chambers, with the Captain of the guards, guarding them, guess Rufus isn’t a total moron. Pinky and Rosa come up with an idea to sneak past the guards, going out the conveniently open, border-less and not very weatherproof window through some sheets tied together.

The plan works and he retrieves the keys to the door from the guard. Bjorn and his men lay siege to the Dark Lady (just realised, that’s a bit racist, isn’t it) with a plan to surprise Sabertooth and lay claim to his treasure upon his return. In his infinite wisdom, Sabertooth left no-one capable to guard the ship. It’s just Raven. She manages to entrap them but Prince Bedal arrives. He sees the Jolly Roger which wasn’t stashed away and just left out, immediately coining him onto the idea that the group are pirates.

The prisoners accidentally gain his attention and tell him that Sabertooth and his gang are on the island. Kinda mentioning the fact that they’re also pirates. Raven is captured as she was the only person aboard the ship. Pinky delivers the keys to Sabertooth who admits to be impressed. Says he’ll make a good pirate, if he actually learns how to swim. Oh the conclusion to that arc is coming, prepare to be very impressed by its idiocy.

Bjorn and Bedal come to an arrangement, if they help Bedal take the throne (told you there was a rebellion in the future) they’ll receive the King’s Pearl as a reward. Bjorn wants Sabertooth’s head on a plate. Not sure where the Hatred comes from. Sabertooth’s crew infiltrate the castle and Sabertooth uses a cunning plan of putting the comic relief pirates in disguise to free Rosa and Longfinger. Meanwhile Bedal and the pirates kindap King Camp rather than just kill him because this movie needs a happy ending. They take him to the Black Lady, hiding one of his wigs by the crocodiles so they’ll blame Sabertooth for some reason. The populace aren’t yet aware of his being on the island.

Meanwhile, the monkey frees Rosa from captivity and she jumps to shore. Meanwhile Bedal gives quite possibly the worst performance I’ve ever seen to try and convince the guards that Sabertooth is in the building. You know as guards, they should be guarding the building, you needed to sound angry that Sabertooth made it in to make that convincing not use the ‘woe is me.’ shtick

Sabertooth’s crew makes it to the treasure room where he uses the fact that King Camp gave away the code to open the door. They head inside and Sabertooth immediately eyes the King’s pearl. But as he admires it, the guards ambush them. Bedal confronts them, when Sabertooth asks how he knew about his presence, he response that he was tipped off by someone clever and resourceful, brave and young. Almost definitely referring to Raven, although she didn’t tip him off but the blame goes toward Pinky and he even owns up to it.

Let me explain, because if you’re like me, you’re thinking about how this doesn’t make any goddamn sense, Pinky is feeling guilty about leading Bjorn to Lama Rama and that’s why he did what he did… Except THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY GODDAMN SENSE. At this stage, they don’t know about Bjorn even being on the Island, all they see is Prince Bedal, and Pinky hasn’t even spoken with Prince Bedal, let alone tipped him off. Pinky’s just a moron.

Sabertooth tells him off whereas a real pirate would actually kill him. They’re taken to the dungeon, but Pinky makes a run for it and escapes to find Raven. They head back into the water and suddenly Pinky can actually move more than an inch in water as he’s able to swim to some cover. This is so much of a back-tread they even gloss over it as a character moment. F*ck you too, movie!

The two head back to the Dark Lady, you know the place the pirates have laid siege to, and she consoles him over it being his fault and… You know, you don’t win points for a being a blubbering idiot. Anyway, the guards off-screen have captured Bjorn as his men and a guard finds a dented crown (and not the wig from earlier) by the crocodile pits. Bedal gives yet another unconvincing, over-dramatic performance that no-one in their right mind would buy.

He allows the pirates to be set free, rather than double-crossing them now while he has a chance because, hey, they’re pirates, when are they ever untrustworthy? My head hurts from all this stupidity. Then the guards aren’t much smarter, not escorting them out just leaving them with the now King of Rama Lama. Pinky wakes up with an idea. They prepare the Dark Lady in position to fire the cannon right at them. Somehow he has such precise aim that he manages to knock down the door and not murder anyone. Not a chance in hell.

The guards prepare to attack the ship so it’s finally time for some action as it’s pirates on pirates and pirates on guards but just as things get interesting, we cut to the Dark Lady, about to be shot down by an insanely slow catapult thing. The monkey leads Pinky to the captured King Camp on the ship. Most of the attacking force go down like pussies. Fortunately, Sabertooth vs Bjorn and the two women provide the interesting bits. I know it’s unfair to compare this to a film with 80 times the budget, but the fights in Pirates of the Caribbean are better, and not just visually; also they involve actual death, something these pirates don’t seem to be that fond of doing for some reason.

After both fights are won the guards surround them but Pinky and Raven soon arrive with the King and a load of guards surround Bjorn and his men and Badal. He protests innocence but he isn’t believed because for no good reason he was at the scene of the kidnapping. As a reward for his freedom, Pinky is awarded anything from the treasure house. Guess what he chooses, go on, go on, of course of it’s the King’s Pearl, they’ve spent the entire movie going on about nothing else. Also, no frickin' duh he’d choose the most ‘valuable’ thing in there.

They give him the key to open the pearl, under the condition they not open it until they return home. *sigh* that end joke is very close now. So all is well, King Camp is King again, Rosa and Longfinger suck face. Meanwhile, Pinky goes to visit Bjorn to ask about his father. He threatens them with crocodiles and they eventually succumb. He found Morgan on the Marmelade Islands and he was saying something about heading North to the Norwegian coast. He vanished from there. He also said he was sorry about casting his son adrift but he couldn’t come back. He was bluffing about the crocodiles the whole time.

So Pinky is the new cabin boy, the stock bullies do sh*t, the pearl is opened and… it’s a practical joke. Feast, Sabertooth laughs and Pinky doesn’t feel like celebrating, Longfinger consoles and Pinky swears to find his father. The end

THIS MOVIE… Isn’t very good

My anger is actually rather muted at this one, who am I to complain about a Norwegian treasure? Plus, its main competitor has 80 times the budget and one of the biggest studios in the world behind it. What I can say is the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are by far superior, even the bad ones.

That being said, there are some good elements to the film. Sabertooth is, in spite of his raspy voice and pasty face, which even the movie makes fun of repeatedly, the best part of the movie. He’s smart (most of the time), he takes no sh*t and he’s occasionally funny.

This movie feels like an extended TV Pilot, there are elements set up here that clearly would’ve been better paying off in a TV series. Sure, there are still issues when it comes to budget but there are real instances of the moving looking cheap anyway, like the ship storybook animation, there to save using CGI ship footage like they would in a Disney movie.

Character development is noticeably lacking, like Pinky suddenly and for no reason being able to swim, Raven being mostly out of the movie, Rosa not showing any combative prowess before the main fight, Longfinger being no closer really to standing up to his Captain. And most of the rest aren’t worth talking about.

The villains are nothing spectacular. Bjorn the Brave and his crew are relatively generic and Badal is every other evil prince ever. 

The worst parts of the movie tend to be it trying to be funny. The humour is very juvenile, which is a shame given that this kind of movie should appeal to a broader audience than just kids. And that’s the biggest thing, it feels very geared towards children, despite the odd ‘cut out your innards’ bit. There’s no on-screen death and the morality is not played very often. Pirates' morality is supposed to be complex, and they’re not here at all. For example, we don’t find out why Bjorn the Brave hates Sabertooth so much, there’s a backstory there waiting to be explored but nope, PG rating only.

The pacing is a massive problem also, the movie meanders without much plot for the first half or so of the movie. It’s a considerable way in before we even reach Lama Rama, plus we have 2 pointless songs for no reason.

The dubbing is abysmal in both acting quality and synchronisation, but after Antboy, I knew that was coming. This is generally better than Antboy, if only because Pinky is far more likeable than Pelle was, but there’s a lot of room for improvement. I’ll likely look at the Antboy sequels at a later time.

Rage Rating 9%

Images/clips used in this review are from Captain Sabertooth and the Treasure of Lama Rama, Looney Tunes, Justice League Unlimited and Ratchet and Clank and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use