#64 - Jupiter Ascending

Oh boy, we’re in for a fun one today. Anyone remember the Wachowskis? They made the Matrix, and I’ll be honest, it’s on my list of movies I’ve never seen, in fact this is my only exposure to their work and boy is it bad.

The Wachowskis haven’t had much luck capturing the critical success of the Matrix, they had somewhat of a success with the divisive V for Vendetta, but Speed Racer, Ninja Assassin and Cloud Atlas were all box office failures, even if Cloud Atlas managed a bit of critical acclaim. Who better then to give $170m for a sci-fi epic.

The movie was not well received, holding a 26% rating on Rotten Tomatoes with an average review score of 4.4/10 although audiences were kinder, awarding on average 2.9/5 on Rotten Tomatoes and 5.3/10 on IMDb. The movie made $184m on it’s $176m budget, which is well below what would be required of it to be a successful. So, where does this movie fail? Let’s take a look.

So we start with narration that isn’t exactly needed as we have full on dialogue filled visuals that explain it just fine. One Astronomy teacher, that we know is an astronomy teacher because he’s looking through a telescope, and one Maths teacher, who we know is a Maths teacher because she’s carrying some maths books, meet and she speaks I think Russian, odd choice. The Astronomy teacher flips to English after the first line of his reply. We’re in for that level of laziness folks.

Cut to some time later and he’s still looking in his f*cking telescope, but now the couple are living together and the woman is with child. We also find out the name of the guy is Maximillian Jones, this isn’t important, they decide they’re going to name her child Jupiter, and in turn put her up against Cypher Raige and Paris Franz for stupidest name of the decade. I’m just gonna call her JJ, because the Nostalgia Critic already did the Duck Dodgers joke. You can still make up what it stands for.

He wants to call her Jupiter because he loves the f*cking planet. Get it? He’s an astronomy teacher, all they care about is Astronomy and Planets and Jesus Christ, just die already. Ah, some Russian erm… people break into the room and demand money for something and… you’re College Professors, you can’t be that badly paid, even in Russia! Anyway, the try and steal the telescope and Max, Darwin award candidate as he is, begs them not to take it, so they shoot him. Oh no, not Max! He was… completely one-dimensional and boring.

So Maths teacher decides to completely abandon her life, aside her sister and illegally immigrate to America, she births her child en-route. They try and use some astrological garbage to persuade us she was destined for greatness. For the record, I tries googling ‘Jupiter rising at 23 degrees ascendant’ got no-where with that. Oh, and there’s also a bit about her finding the love of her life because she’s a female character and that arc has to be front and centre…

The problem is as an illegal immigrant, she and her aunt (her mother died from off-screen-itus I guess) are reduced to cleaning toilets. Then after the movie shows it’s loading screen we get a title drop. 

On the planet of cr*p CGI and blue dust for some reason, we’re told it’s called Zalintyre. We’re introduced to Kalique (Tuppance Middleton) and Titus (Douglas Booth), of the Abrasax family. They’re soon joined by, *sigh* Balem (Eddie Redmayne) and if you’ve seen this movie YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SIGH IS FOR! Sorry, I felt the need to put that in caps lock as if I was shouting it for no reason at all

There’s a lot of talk but there’s very little I can actually describe because it’s all a bunch of technobabble with no context to give us any idea what the technobabble actually means. But let’s cut to the chase, Titus is interested in Earth having gone through some paperwork left by her mother but it’s currently in Titus’ inheritance, he tries to barter but Kalique tells him the planet is more valuable than anything he could offer.

JJ wakes up at 4.45, to clean more toilets and we now get a montage of this for some reason. She hates her life, nothing new established there. Next up we see 3 bounty hunters of minimal importance watching Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) thankfully their dialogue is of minimal importance either, so forget about it. Cain begins sniffing hospital records, Jupiter is an egg donor, taking the identity of one of her friends. Anyway, he’s cornered by the bounty hunters and a gunfight ensues and imagine how distracting I find it when I realise one of the guns is barking every time it’s fired. Cain escapes thanks to a shield from the Phantom Menace and hoverboots from Ratchet and Clank, guess Lombaxes will give hoverboots to anyone.

Kalique tells her servant to handle a matter discreetly, her brothers can’t suspect her involvement, he makes contact with some bounty hunters. Meanwhile in CGI central, Balem pays a visit to a Mr Night (Edward Hogg) Redmayne is whispering for the entire scene. I can only imagine it’s intentional. Something’s happened, a ‘recurrence,’ they have verified the geneprint and it’s a match, and Balem suspects his brother knows about it. The bounty hunters sent to find her have a name, Katherine Dunlevy, the friend who JJ used as an alias when donating her eggs.

Speaking of, Katherine and JJ are conveniently in the same room, Katherine is deciding what to wear and it’s an excuse to see her in her underwear, p*ss off movie! Anyway, Katherine’s attacked and Jupiter, brain trust that she is, decides to take photos with her phone. The aliens, which look like sh*te by the way, wipe their memories with the tech from Men in Black, but don’t delete the photo because the plot needs to move forward somehow.  

So back to JJ’s place I guess, as she’s sharing it with another family, they argue and one of them says JJ’s a smart woman and that’s why she’s not married. Either that or all the men in her life are morons like the person who said that. She asks for an advance, but it’s all but denied so she’s back to having to donate her eggs, with the help of the pr*ck who’s taking a larger cut than her.

Oh and all this is about buying a telescope… Seriously? I really hate this movie. As JJ waits at the fertility clinic, she sees the photo she took but is quickly called in. Turns out thought the Doctor’s are all part of Balem’s little kill squad and try and chemically kill her. But Cain and his barking gun arrive and drive the aliens away with his barking gun. She passes out as he makes his escape.

It seems Mr Wise is playing both the Abrasax siblings, as Titus finds out from him that they have the girl. Anyway, JJ wakes up and decides to hold a gun at the guy she saw rescue him, he also changed her clothes why does every movie gloss over this as a joke, it’s creepy. Be prepared for a tonne of exposition because that’s what we’re gonna get at this point. Look, mythology and world building is great, but the story at hand comes first.

Balem isn’t happy to find out about this and orders any ship coming near the planet destroyed, before shouting ‘GO’ at the top of his lungs for no reason. So, about the Lombax hoverboots, they apparently create and I quote from the subtitles ‘deferential equation slopes that you can surf’ can’t you just call them hoverboots and be done with it? That never needed an explanation and ‘deferential equation slopes’ sounds f*cking stupid. It also makes no sense in the context of what those words actually mean.

They get beamed up in a long, slow and boring sequence so they can be interrupted as the ship explodes and we can begin a massively overlong action scene. JJ is saved again and is able to do nothing in the entire scene anyway. Caine manages to capture one of the ships and uses it to continue doing what he was doing anyway except now he’s a bigger target, eventually he remembers the shop has guns and begins taking the others out, eventually crashing the ship themselves and only barely escaping.

So, the aliens are gonna cover it up by repairing the damage and wiping everyone’s memories but one thing they can’t undo is the people that died in the vehicles they blew up, so discreet is kinda out the window now. After a pointless scene with Balem, we return to a car JJ and Cain have hijacked, she sees that he’s bleeding and finds a convenient maxi-pad to cover the wound. OK, this is stupid, who leaves a maxi-pad in the f’ing car

The go to see an old friend of Cain, Stinger played from Sean Bean because cliché the two immediately get into a fight, a fight that’s broken up by one of the stupidest thing in the movie. JJ can control bees, because Bees are genetically programmed to recognise royalty…

So apparently Cain made a deal with Titus to get JJ to help Stinger get his wings back, figuring he owes him, however considering the revelation of her nature, he knows things are more important than his wings. So more exposition follows and so little of it matters I’m going to gloss over it. The human race wasn’t born on Earth, but on some other planet, there was a great expansion and they killed the dinosaurs, then spliced human DNA with other elements of the species, with the intent on growing a population as large as possible so it can be harvested. How you immediately top bees recognising royalty as the stupidest thing in the script? You say humans come from another planet and killed the dinosaurs.

The bounty hunters attack and damn it’s a pity none of them have Caine’s shield. The trio are separated and Jupiter is eventually knocked out, one of the bounty hunters has her dead to rights but the others kill him and take her aboard, Caine jumps onto the ship and as they leave, somehow evading the blockade entirely. After another pointless scene with Balem, we cut to whatever the f*ck planet they’re on now, it’s the home of Kalique. Turns out JJ is an exact copy of the Abrasax mother and I don’t think I can take any more dumb, send help!

I’m also not really into the whole ‘she was born special’ mentality this has with it… I dunno, it seems manipulative to me, but then the villains are trying to do that exactly so… Cain sneaks in as Kalique takes a bath in the stuff I forget the name of some I’m gonna call it quintessence and hope someone understands the Voltron reference. Anyway, she comes out looking much younger, it’s the secret to eternal life or something. And it’s harvested from humans, I’m just gonna say it outright.

Caine is spotted and attacks and it turns out JJ is the rightful owner of Earth because the mother wrote her future self into her will, because that’s totally how that can work. Caine intervenes, and has contacted the Aegis, but Kalique planned to do that anyway, so he stands down. She and Caine are brought on the Aegis ship. Balem, now wants JJ brought to him for some reason. JJ and Caine have a bonding scene and we get most infamous pair of lines

“I have more in common with a dog than I have with you”

“I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs”

Wow, just wow! I can’t believe an actual writer was paid actual money to write that line of dialogue. An actual actor was paid to speak it, an actual director was paid to direct it, an actual editor kept it in the film. That line is so terrible it transcends the boundaries and becomes hilarious. How was this line kept in the film?

Then JJ whispers the line again as if to say ‘yes, I did just say a line that dumb’ we’re having trouble believing it to. So, Kalique and the crew arrive at Ores, the cesspool of the known galaxy, I know they call it ‘the verse’ but f*ck calling it that. So the next few minutes are about the bureaucratic process, how thrilling. It’s the classic shtick of everything being complicated and sent to 100 different departments, except here we have a supposed expert who’s cr*p at his job. I saw this joke in an Asterix film, just add 100 layers of CG and you have a goddamn waste of our time.

So they fix it with a bribe and 2 hours later maybe the plot can move forward. But first we find out that JJ is aroused when Caine calls her ‘your majesty’ – I don’t need this vision, can we move on. She asks Caine if the feeling’s mutual and for god’s sake, end this scene! Unfortunately the plot starts to move again as Stinger has turned her over to Titus.

Cut to Titus’ ship, JJ tries to threaten him with legal action. HE KIDNAPPED YOU! Do you really think he’s going to care about what laws he may have broken? Then he has her dine with him, and she agrees because… You know what, she’s right, it’s very impolite to refuse dinner with the man who KIDNAPPED YOU!

Caine is being detained for not listening. So, JJ is dressed in only the finest bin bag as he meets with Titus for dinner, and Titus assumes he knows JJ because of her geneprint. Hey, movie, genes DO NOT DEFINE PERSONALITY! They has extremely different upbringings, it’s highly unlikely they’d have similar personalities, quirks or traits.

And in case you’ve forgotten the kind of movie you’re in, the topic of conversation quickly tangents to romance. Look, having a female as a lead is all well and good, but you can do stories with women that don’t heavily involve romance, or being born special (no, I’m not letting that go) look at say Pidge from Voltron for a positive example.

So after that it becomes talk about the family drama, and he f*cking proposes. He proposes to someone who’s the genetic copy of his mother… then think that’s probably several thousand years old, it’s Twilight all over again, ewww… So she’s taken to a room filled with quintessence, he lists off various other names but f*ck it, I’m still calling it quintessence, it’s essentially the same thing.

And he drops the bombshell that quintessence is harvested from human beings, Earth is a farm and one of many thousands. Before she died, the mother had a change of heart about this and wanted to destroy the factory and Titus claims he wants to do the same (spoiler alert: he doesn’t)

Stinger contacts an envoy on Titus’ ship, saying they shouldn’t have taken Caine, when they reply that he’s gonna be tossed into space, it’s revealed that Stinger was tracing the call. Caine is then tossed into space, where he should’ve frozen to death pretty quickly, instead he breaks out of the cuffs he was in thanks to his Lombax hoverboots. Also, wtf, no-one took those off him, really?

He manages to activate a space suit that he ejected when he was ejected. What a great place to keep a space suit, in the airlock. Anyway, that’s how he survives whilst Titus’ ship makes the slowest hyperspace jump in history.

So, I know you all care so much about JJ’s family. The father guy is beating up his son for the whole ‘sell her eggs’ routine. In case you got a lobotomy to remove that from your memory, which I highly recommend. Anyway, some of Balem’s dragon henchmen arrive, I forgot to mention them. So, Caine is barely holding on but fortunately Stinger and Kalique’s ship arrive to help.

OK, time for more talk of f*cking Romance, as he compares their relationship to Beauty and the Beast, a movie that came out on Earth, a movie you should not know about. So all is forgiven with Stinger, his daughter is sick or something…. Yeah, that was happening…. So, wedding! And JJ is wearing a dress from out the f*cking Hunger Games. It’s up to Stinger and Caine to rescue her.

The Aegis arrive to try and board, but Titus orders them fired upon, but Caine and Stinger are having little trouble just shooting through them. How is it these space battles are so boring, and the wedding scenes even more boring. There’s no tension to the space battles when 2 people can just crush their way through this many ship. Caine literally crashes the wedding, he reveals Titus’ true intentions and Titus doesn’t even try to hide it.

So, JJ is taken back to Earth and we’re about to, and I’m seriously not kidding here, begin the same bullsh*t all over again. So yeah, Jupiter’s family is kidnapped, Jupiter is to be sent to Balem to abdicate her title. Quick question, why not just kill her like you’ve been trying to do the entire movie. Yeah, she’s claimed her title, but that doesn’t matter if she’s dead.

She surrenders, and they’ve allowed the Aegis to follow, but of course it’s a trap and soon the ship is out of commission. Meanwhile on, and I’m not kidding here, planet Jupiter… Jupiter is shown to Balem. And we get more of Eddie Redmayne’s infamous performance. Meanwhile at some of the worst looking background I’ve seen, it’s time for the bit where Caine and Stinger head off to her rescue.

His ship’s smaller, but still takes heavy damage from the storm surrounding Jupiter. It’s like the scene in Solo, I get why they think it’s suspenseful but the CG overload on your eyes, combined with only seeing dust and fog with the occasional lightning strike just looks off. OK, so JJ refuses to hand over the Earth, even with her family under threat. Her logic is to ensure ‘he can’t do what he’s doing to her family to anyone else’ considering he owns several other planets containing human beings. Also, there’s a bit about him not being able to touch the Earth if she’s killed… ok, why is that the case, and what would happen then?

So, apparently the storm is doing some catastrophic damage to the quintessence factory on Jupiter, worse still for Balem, Caine has arrived and has cleared JJ’s family of guards. They kiss, and kiss again. With the planet being destroyed the Aegis can land and it’s time for our final, headache inducing final fight, and I mean the one between Caine and that Dragon henchmen, the ‘fight’ between Balem and JJ is one of mostly JJ getting her ass handed to her and Balem going out like a b*tch, he’s the only one of the family to die.

So they escape just in time, you’d be surprised if I told you otherwise right? So, erm, JJ goes back to cleaning toilets for reasons, she’s given a telescope and Earth is still rightfully hers, so screw you every other planet that has been seeded. Titus and Kalique are still up and running. Caine has his wings back because why not and so JJ can use his Lombax hoverboots. It ends with them flying about that could seemingly cause a few problems when they’re f*cking seen.

So that was my first exposure to the Watchowskis and good god is this bad.

Jupiter Jones is a badly written character, and by that I don’t mean that she’s unrealistic or has powers driven out of no-where, she’s badly written because her actions don’t influence the story in the slightest. The entire plot happens around her because of a trillion in 1 co-incidence, that I’m calling bullsh*t on them detecting in the first place. I mean they clearly have dozens of human planets, what the got them thinking about Earth.

She is passive, and this isn’t a character trait they acknowledge or try to use. She never does anything, aside from surrendering to save her family… Congratulations, Jupiter Jones. It doesn’t help that the performance is also pretty flat, but I can’t blame that on the actor, not when we got that hysterically bad performance from Academy Award winners like Eddie Redmayne.

The CGI is overdone, some physical sets and practical stunts may have offset that a bit, but it’s basically the Star Wars prequel problem. In fact this shares a lot of problems with the prequels, lots of talking, a lot of exposition without giving it context outside of the characters we know, space battles so clustered they’re difficult to watch and just a general feeling like the movie is going on and on. It’s not greatly paced

But back to Jupiter Jones, her character arc is about her finding romance, the problem with them choosing that character arc aside, this is handled badly too. To handle this correctly there needs to be sense of misdirection but Jupiter was smitten with Caine from the second she met him. Maybe if they’d had her fall for Titus initially only to discover he was going to betray her

Then again, the entire Abrassax family are about as subtle as a baseball to the groin. Caine himself is just stoic, his anger issues rarely surface, he’s ultimately way too forgiving of Stinger’s betrayal, his inner conflicts are never really given any depth beyond surface level, which is a shame, Channing Tatum really deserves better.

I could live with a lot of the plot problems with this movie if they got invested in their characters, as it is, there’s nothing worth investing it, and this is ultimately why this movie failed. And unlike some, I can only give a couple of moments an award for being so bad they’re good, it doesn’t apply to the whole movie.

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

RAGE RATING 105%