#43 - Time Month - Time Shifters

Well, this had to come at some point… It’s Time Month

And we get the first and only Rage review out of the way with Time Shifters

I have literally no information about this one, Amazon customers gave it mostly negative reviews and that’s about all I found. Dunno if it’s been released as something else elsewhere but whatever it is, let’s just take a look.

We open with someone typing on a keyboard as we get some shots of the surroundings our movie’s location and the opening credits. Inside the house in the helicopter shots a screaming woman is confronted by an apologetic man whilst two people in the background completely still and occasionally the camera shakes. Yeah, in case you’re wondering, this is in media res, this trope does not work well if you don’t know the characters.

2 security guards chase him away and we cut to… OK, I’m skipping to the actual beginning of the film, this will all be done over again anyway and I might know enough about the characters to be able to explain what’s going on.

So, 10 hours earlier, there’s a protest about something, we barely see the signs. One of them says Hennessy Hall, which they’re all chanting but I see one that says suck, something Hill, a no franchises sign and something about a strip mall. And they’re a bit late since they’re already starting digging. A girl in a flowery dress saves them and they disperse rather easily for protesters that showed up on the day they started digging.

Meanwhile one of leads is on the phone to someone who’s providing him shirts but he’s apparently been cut out. He heads outside and finds a load of students wearing the shirts he’d just received, they’d evidently been stolen. He threatens his way through the room and finds out that someone had hired a guy to sell them. Our lead is named Ari and his artist friend Arun, I think. The thief is named Elliott Carpenter and Arun manages to set up a meeting with him, which if he was a thief I can’t see how that works.

Anyway, turns out Arun has some living people in his closet because this is where realism goes to die. I’m too angry at the explanation for everything for everything in this movie to give that a pass, go to hell. The meeting takes place and Elliott takes Arun to the stuff. In Elliott’s room, Ari arrives as Arun is suspended upside down. He and Elliott fight and largely forget about Arun, our hero?

So, chase onto the roof. Elliott exhibits superhuman jumping skills and so does Ari but he doesn’t quite make it and Elliott forces him to let go of the roof because he’s a pr*ck. The girl in the red dress comes across his amazingly not dead body. It is vastly implied her tear brings him back to life. This is not a season of Power Rangers, that level of stupid is not allowed in any film rated 12, even if it’s another red herring for the oh so irritating surprise at the end.

She takes him to the Doctor who confirms that he’s absolutely fine and have about 2 lines of dialogue they repeat. Turns out the girl in red is called Becca. She stabs him in the hand and finds his wound completely healed in seconds. Ari isn’t interested in exploring further and would rather tackle the guy stealing his business. Becca leaves him her address for if he changes his find.

Enter resting b*tch face, but before we get to her Elliott confronts Arun, now back in his bedroom and says he needs to do something to get him out of the tight spot he’s in. He leaves so now it’s resting b*tch face’s turn to do something. She claims to be looking for a room in another building and Arun offers to take her there since he’s passing it as he goes to hand in his artwork.

Becca goes to her roommate Izzy who is a bit fashion obsessed. She tries to explain about Ari but ultimately nothing comes of it. Arun and resting b*tch face walk and talk. Apparently, she’s a sculptor but her parents don’t know anything about it. Izzy interrupts the scene, she’s Arun’s girlfriend, I think.  None of these guys are exactly seasoned actors. Turns out resting bitch face is called Greta and after b*tching. It’s now time to develop their characters as Greta leaves the scene, probably still unable to find her room.

Izzy remembers thanks to a timely reminder of a couple of morons with a petition, that she has something to do. Back to Becca who isn’t getting much help from a librarian, or the blank books. Suddenly Elliott comes along and we’re in attempted rape territory. Are you f*cking serious?! These two characters haven’t even met! She knees him in the groin and runs off, unaided by the people standing still. Security eventually confronts him and tells him to leave but take no further action.

Greta follows Arun to the cult, where Izzy is. They use the secret key he stole earlier to blackmail Arun to signing the petition. Izzy is confronted by Jenifer, another new character who I don’t care about. Izzy’s also persuaded to join by some secret she’s being blackmailed over. With one more signature they can own the place, whatever place it is. Izzy, I think, drowns her sorrows in the bar.

Greta asks Arun about his parents, according to him they wanted to set him up with an arranged marriage to someone he’d never met. This would be nasty but the truth is far more horrifying. She admits to following him and knowing something about Izzy and then he leaves his phone and Izzy calls him and arranges a meeting or something and also Ari comes back and beats up/gets beaten up by the cultists, Arun also takes a pounding and Greta kind of disappears to the bar scene, which I could’ve sworn took place the night before.

Wait no, it’s the middle of the day in the next scene, did she drown her sorrows that early?! Ari notices shards of glass stuck in his hear during the fight which he didn’t even feel and that’s enough to pique his curiosity. But enough of that time for another attempted rape scene! This time it’s interrupted by the arrival of Ari, he and Elliott fight and it ends with him and Becca dangling out the window. Ari manages to climb through and rescue Becca and security arrive so Elliott disappears.

Ari explains the glass shard issue and she says she sees that he and Elliott have something in common. She stabbed him with a pussy knife during the fight and there’s no blood on that either. Compounding the issue when she asks where he’s from he replies that he doesn’t remember anything before being at the school. They head to student records to find out more information. But find the worker frozen, the computers blank and the drawers all empty. Becca thinks Elliott may have answers.

Elliott decides he hasn’t been enough of a douche yet and says now he wants Arun to steal a bunch of Ari’s stuff, dangling the key as blackmail material. Greta watches from behind a tree and eventually confronts him as he begins his thievery. They see security coming for some reason and barricade themselves in the launderette and use something, something, something phase through the wall and escape. He shows Greta his secret, he has his parents tied up in his closet. Movie… how do you top 2 attempted rape scenes as the most disturbing thing you have? And weirder still, it makes Greta fall for him more.

So, party, Ari and Becca arrive and split up to find Elliott, who’s selling the t-shirts Arun managed to steal. Greta knocks some drink on Izzy, forcing her to go and change. Earthquakes start happening at random. Arun runs into Greta who says Izzy hasn’t arrived and invites him for a drink. Looks like it’s only shaking for Elliott for some reason, he says he needs Arun to take care of Ari.

Elliot finds Becca first and we’re back at attempted rape. She drops the phone Ari gave to her to contact him but fortunately he’s there to save her anyway. Both of them undergo a phase so they’re in a similar state to Becca, Ari and Elliott. Elliott explodes into pixels and we will not miss him even slightly.

Izzy and Arun meet up with Becca and Ari, now all aware of what happened whilst no-one else seems to be. One of the cultists meets with Greta, wanting to find Izzy, her time is up on joining and her secret’s coming out. She wants to know the secret and knows it’d be more believable coming from her so he tells her. She believes that’s devastate him. If it did he’d be a major hypocrite.

Becca works out that all 4 of them have the same ability to not get injured by pushing everyone down the stairs. By the far the least dangerous and most easily survivable thing they do. Greta confronts them and is mistrusted by Becca seeing as she does not have the clarity they do. Arun tries to be nice to her but that gets him into an argument with Izzy. Becca has them split up, she and Ari confront the Doctors whilst Izzy and Arun check the security team. But the argument intensifies when Izzy gives Arun back his key which she recovered somehow.

The Doctors give their usual series of stock quotes whilst seeming not remembering them, they find security outside and feel an earthquake but nothing happens so the guards chase them. Meanwhile there’s more pollava in team 2, as exactly the same thing happens except this time Greta has to bargain her way out. The cultists confront Izzy and Arun and are about to spill Izzy’s secret (which, by the way, is such a big secret she doesn’t remember it?) but they’re the next targets of being atomised, alongside Jenifer, you know, the one who had barely any screen-time whatsoever.

The guards arrive and Greta warns Arun, he runs as Izzy is captured. After a chase where the Becca and Ari jump through a window, they bump into Ari, they act amazingly concerned about Izzy despite barely even knowing her. Greta gloats to Izzy about the secret she doesn’t know anymore. Greta was apparently promised to him since birth. They destroy Greta for blocking their objective.

The guards chase the trio, they head for an exit but end up back in the school in the middle of a late night protest that no-one would see. They use the protesters to distract the guards. Arun says “it’s like they’re playing a game with us” and she realises they’re in a game.

Apparently, they’re viruses in the game. Not sure how that works, really. People in Silicon Valley upload stronger anti-virus software which is beams being shot from the sky, but it ends up destroying players too. I don’t think the people who made this know the first thing about video game production. Just obvious things really like in-game viruses not really existing.

So, time for the really messed up bit. We get to see the gamers behind this sh*t. Ari is played by a regular guy trying to make a living through the game, who complains over the phone. He creates a new Avatar, Ari 2. Arun is played by a 30-year-old dude about to undergo an arranged marriage to a woman he isn’t interested in, Greta presumably played by that woman. Jenifer is played by a young gay couple and Izzy is played by a drag-queen/transsexual?

OK, so how many problems arise from this little revelation.

1. Who gives a sh*t who Jennifer is, she was barely in the movie
2. Arun must have deep psychological issues to fantasise about locking his parents in a cupboard
3. So Izzy’s secret is that she’s played by a man/transsexual. But what the f*ck does that even matter in-game?
4. What about Elliott or Becca or Greta?
5.  If their entire life is a video game, what reason do we have to care for any of the characters, there’s no way of building tension now

They ask how it happened and apparently it’s all Becca’s fault, her magic healing tear freed Ari, she drank from Arun’s cup and then Arun and Izzy kissed. Great, so what now?

  

Oh, it’s the end of the movie

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Let’s start with the title. This movie has nothing to do with Time, which rather embarrasses me for putting it in Time month but with a name like Time Shifters can you blame me? The story is absolute cr*p and leaving a sequel tease is an ultimate insult.

Is there any good in it? Yes, the acting was above average for a movie like this, the music wasn’t overly distracting on my second viewing and some of the stunt-work was pretty decent. But these positives are far outweighed by the movie’s negatives.

Rage Rating 85%