#53 Superman IV - The Quest for Peace

I honestly didn’t know which format to use for this one.

I do not like Superman 3, I hope my review during the summer made that clear. I don’t like its overly comedic tone, it’s boring villains, Gus, just generally Gus and the complete waste of any potential in Smallville. Still, it was successful enough to get another sequel, although the changes are much bigger this time.

Let’s start off with the budget, a significant slash from Superman III, that’s because allegedly Golan Globulus, the studio behind the movie, took investor’s money and invested it in other projects. Either way, this movie had a budget of only $17m and boy does that show, but that’s getting ahead of ourselves. Despite the low budget, the film was a financial failure and the entire franchise was put on the back burner until Superman Returns in the 2000s (I'll cover that one eventually, but given recent allegations against Kevin Spacey, it'll be a while).

This is regarded as not just the worst Superman movie, but one of the worst movies ever made, so why am I conflicted? Let’s take a closer look at hahahahahahahahahahahahaha sorry, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

Ah, here’s a way to start, a cheap looking ripoff of the opening titles of the first Superman movie. And just like in that movie, this will go on for some time. Look, I’m all for interesting opening credits sequences, but this is just boring and it says nothing about the movie. I’m sure the money for this could’ve been better used elsewhere.

So after an eternity passes, we open on a Russian satellite where an astronaut is performing maintenance and singing. He is, of course, not tethered to the satellite at all, so when a piece of debris bumps into him, he’s sent flying; the satellite is also spinning out of control. So Superman comes from wherever the f*ck he was, clearly not on Earth, to save them with bad blue-screen effects. Superman is able to talk in space, also he speaks Russian, these are the least of the movie’s problems

So, time for a subplot that goes nowhere, upon the death of Martha Kent... Yeah, she died off-screen... Clark is selling the farm. He goes into the barn to find his old spaceship and finds a new green crystal, I swear he already found this in an earlier movie but, you know, need to get our dues ex machina from somewhere, right? So in said subplot, a realtor comes to talk to Clark, also the spaceship disappears for no reason. The realtor comes with an offer for him, well for the land but Clark refuses, saying the last thing Smallville needs is another shopping centre.

OK, let’s get this one out of the way, really? We’re doing this? F*ck industrial progress and job creation, we need a farm, in a town full of them! But in reverse if there already are shopping centres (and he doesn’t call it a mall, interesting) well then, yeah, he’s kinda right and who the f*ck would be offering him money to build one? Ergo, Clark’s an idiot, and since this is the last we hear of this subplot, you may as well forget everything I just said.

We cut to the most open prison I’ve ever seen, a quarry where Luthor is being forced to work. Meanwhile Ducky from Pretty in Pink shows up and manages to use his remote control car to send to the two incompetent guards flying into the air via bad editing, they survive this because cartoon. So Ducky is playing Lex Luthor’s nephew Lenny Luthor, aka f*cking kill me.

Back in Metropolis, Clark misses a train and because of reasons, the driver falls unconscious and the train begins speeding out of control. Only Lois calls for help. Superman does something, I think, to stop the subway car, I’m not entirely sure what, but he flies off via awful blue screen and it’s time to get to the Daily Planet, ready for another subplot that really doesn’t need to be in this movie. David Warfield, who owns a load of sleazy tabloids has bought the Daily Planet because it isn’t making money.

The Daily Planet isn’t making money! The Daily F*CKING PLANET, the most regular reporter on Superman’s activities isn’t making money…? More bullsh*t please! We’re introduced to Lucy Warfield, a person who could be interesting except she only exists to be a love interest for Clark Kent early on, and someone for Superman to save later.

As things begin to settle into the new regime, we get an announcement and... Oh my god, this is the funniest scene in the movie. The news from the President goeth thusly, a summit has failed and America must strive to be second to none in the nuclear arms race. Cut to a school classroom, yes, seriously. The teacher consoles her children on this news, the kids that likely aren’t old enough to care, yes, seriously. She asks for ideas, FROM A BUNCH OF SCHOOL CHILDREN, yes seriously! Attention comes to a boy named Jeremy, he says he knows who they can contact, Superman! Oh my god, everything about this scene is wrong, from politics to reaction, to location, to acting, to… acting and it is hilarious.

Cut to random museum of randomness, where there’s an exhibit exhibiting a hair Superman donated holding a 1000lb weight. OK, let’s ignore any logical problems with that one because Lex Luthor and Ducky arrive and easily cut the hair with a pair of hedge clippers. Also, Lex Luthor, ‘the greatest criminal mind of our time’ doesn’t think to disable the alarms.

So, time for Lacy to start being Clark’s love interest, offering him the opportunity to do a Nights in Metropolis series of articles, with her. Clark, she’s not being subtle here! Lois comes in with a letter to Superman, which comes to the Daily Planet for some reason. Jeremy has written Superman a letter, the kids are all unhappy about the nuclear stuff, suggesting that Superman should rid the world of nuclear weapons. Now a Superman with any kind of intelligence would burn this letter, knowing the situation is more complicated and the removal of nuclear weapons may not solve everything, in fact it may lead to problems escalating (ok, he'd probably talk to the kid too and try and explain this, so as not to scar him). But no, this Superman’s an idiot so it’s existential crisis time.

Lacy decides, in her only real contribution to the plot, to make the kid a celebrity and begin drumming up a campaign. Based on a private letter they shouldn't have even been reading! Jeremy is taken to Metropolis, they somehow managed to track him down despite him only addressing himself by his first name. Also, where are his parents, I guess they’d have to give some kind of consent, even in the 80's. So what do you reckon the headline will be, something tasteful?

‘Superman says ‘drop dead’ to kid’

Holy sh*t… I hate Lacy, I hate everything about her, and I don’t care that she has a change of heart, what has she done to this poor kid?! Anyway, Perry’s off to do something that’ll never be referenced and will pay off at the end of the movie.

Clark heads to the Fortress, or a much cheaper version of it, for the next funny scene in the movie. I know it’s supposed to be serious but when Jor-El disappears saying ‘betrayed’ over and over again, I can only laugh. Russia is also striving to advance their nuclear race. Lois pays Clark a visit, so we can get a much worse looking version of some sh*t from Superman II. Clark reveals his identity to Lois, they fly in the glory of awful looking blue screen, where the background changes to different locations at random, Clark lets go only to catch her because he’s a dick, and they return to Metropolis. But of course there’s the matter of his existential crisis, Lois does nothing helpful and they rip off stupid memory erasing kiss from II as well. Well, with that pointlessness out of the way, let's move on

So after Superman abducts Jeremy in broad daylight in front of everybody. Seriously, where are his parents!? He takes Jeremy to the UN, which I guess is in Metropolis now, sure, why not? There’s a massive crowd for reasons and now it’s now time to say goodbye to Jeremy. He’ll never act in a movie again. And so comes my least favourite part of the movie, Superman says in the assembly building that he will rid the world of nuclear weapons, whether the governments of the world choose to or not.

Give Batman vs Superman credit, much as the committee hearings and everything were tedious, at least they were trying to hold Superman to account, here he says he’s ridding the world of nukes, and everyone applauds wildly. I just complimented Batman vs Superman, jesus! If you’re okay with Superman getting rid of your nukes, you can do it without him, if you’re not okay with it, you shouldn’t be applauding!

And a piece of history. The Cold War, which is when this took place didn’t see a shot fired because each side knew the other side would respond with nuclear weapons. The threat of mutually insured destruction saved countless lives. And no, I’m not for the creation or even really the stockpiling of nuclear weapons, countries like North Korea are a good example of what we all fear, but the situations are more complicated than this movie wants you to believe, I don’t believe the writers did their homework on nukes, or at the very least had an anti-nuclear agenda on the brain when writing this.

So, the nations of the world launch all their nukes into space where Superman catches them and throws ‘em in a giant net. Yes, seriously. He then throws them into the sun. Meanwhile, Lex Luthor comes back into the picture, with 2 random hot chicks into a room filled with 3 people: People I will hapily name Mr No-one Cares, Mr Not Interesting and Mr Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Lex Luthor reveals his intentions about destroying Superman and helping these people restore their war profiteering. Yeah, that’s a good point, why are the psychopaths giving up their nukes? 

Lex Luthor has a plan to destroy Superman, he opens the blinds and those 3 people I just mentioned, they hide their eyes and cower, yes seriously. This should just be called Yes seriously: The movie. Anyway, Luthor says the sun is a nuclear bomb but no, it really isn’t. He says the radiation would kill you instantly, and I’m sure the temperature has nothing to do with it. Luthor has concocted a device that will combine his DNA with Superman’s and create a nuclear man that can somehow pierce Superman’s skin and kill him.

Why is it Superboy’s origin is always abused like this, I know this came out several years before Superboy was introduced and over a decade before we found his Luthor connections, but yeah, this also does bare remarkable similarities to Doomsday from Batman vs Superman as well. Nope, that’s not a compliment, to either of them

Luthor wants a large cheque and goes to his convenient lab to concoct a thing, also something about some fabric samples and an aboard computer capable of creating clothes for him. They attach the case with the stuff in it to one of the nukes and launch it, there’s some cr*p drama about them aborting but it’s pointless.

So out of the sun a new creature is born, a creature with the power to give Gene Hackman more lines in ADR, an actor that proves… never mind we’re suddenly in a yoga session because this movie needs some filler. If you’re expecting me to describe this scene in the gym, I can’t be *ssed. So Lacey decides to have Clark, Lois and herself meet Superman because we needed the hijinks for more padding. You know, again credit to Batman vs Superman the Clark Kent and Lois Lane subplots involved actual f*cking journalism. I need a shower after this

So, Nuclear man visits Lex and we find out for some reason he’s powered by the sun, I really don’t get it. But you’ll bet that this will be the most inconsistent weakness you’ve ever seen. So hijinks happen, there’s a bit where Lois’ first question on her list from David is ‘are you part of a plot to weaken our national defences?’ this is a legitimate question! And David is supposed to be a corporate villain. I’m skipping over the rest because it’s uninteresting, boring filler that has no business being in this movie and would’ve fitted Superman III’s more comedic tone more adequately.

But thankfully the evening is cut short as Lex makes contact with Superman, using a sound wave only Superman can hear, but apparently displaying his face on a billboard, because stupid. He plans to supposedly blow up a building but of course he isn’t and it’s a ploy to put Superman against Nuclear Man. So after Lex explains his plan for no good reason, Nuclear Man enters the battle and boy is fight bad. The blue-screen effects are just awful, not helped by the awful fight choreography and the reuse of Superman flying shots.

They head to the great wall of china where Nuclear Man blows sh*t up and just leaves, Superman rescues the one kid who fell off before repairing it with his eyes? 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Apparently Nuclear Man has freeze breath, not sure how that works, but he freezes Superman in space, where you wouldn’t be able to breathe, before setting off a volcano in the town of…. Town. Superman breaks free of the ice and plugs the volcano with the tip of a convenient nearby icy mountain (don’t think that would work, but...) Then he saves all of 10-12 people this town comprises of by cooling all the magma.

Nuclear Man decides now’s a good time to grow some nails, he then flies to the statue of liberty, fortunately not filled with tourists, rips it off the ground and begins flying it towards the city. He drops it but Superman catches it, holding it at a very awkward angle as he flies it back. Nuclear man uses this time and lands a scratch on Superman, and I have to ask how this works. Nuclear Man can’t irradiate kryptonite, he also can’t emit the radiation of a red sun, HOW IS HE HURTING SUPERMAN?

So with Superman thought dead… This lasts about 5 minutes. Lois comes in finding Clark sickly and at home, breaking into his house with a card I might add. She confesses her undying love to Superman, because I guess they wanted us to think it might go somewhere, trust me, it won’t. Meanwhile Lex Luthor uses force, I guess, to take over the arms dealers and kick them out of the picture. So long Mr No-one Cares, Mr Not Interesting and Mr Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Cut to Clark, now looking elderly (feel like a few scenes have skipped here) getting the green dues ex-machina device from the opening. I don’t know what it does but he’s back to normal, that didn’t take long.

Nuclear Man, walking indoors outside of sunlight sees a picture of Lacy and miraculously decides he’s in love with her, for some reason. Superman is waiting for some reason and knows his motivations, for some reason. I feel like a good chunk of the movie has been skipped over here, and that’s quite likely since a lot of it was cut from the final product after some failed test screenings.

So, Nuclear Man destroys property and makes the footage rewind, Superman does his worst acted line in the franchise 'stop! The People!' and doesn’t try and engage him or anything. Also he has telekinesis now. He surrenders and takes Nuclear Man into the Daily Planet building so he can cause more damage. Superman shut him in an elevator, out of the sun and drags him to the Moon, a place so free of air that his cape is flapping. Unfortunately, a small slither of light reaches Nuclear man and he manages to escape. Cue another awful looking fight scene!

I’ll give it this, it’s actually done on a set, sometimes you can see the scaffolding holding up the black sheet background, it’s not a CG slug-fest, yet anyway. So Nuclear Man hammers Superman into the ground before returning to Earth and kidnapping Lacey. So Superman escapes and decides the best solution is to move the moon to block the sun. Sorry for all the mass destruction on Earth that would cause. Also, Lacey is breathing in space, this is dumb on so many levels. So Lacey is rescued, hooray, I guess, and Nuclear man is dropped in a Nuclear Power Plant to power cities for the rest of eternity, you’re a dick, Superman!

So, Perry manages to get back the Daily Planet and it’s time for a press conference. Some sh*t about aliens and this line
“There will be peace when the people of the world want it so badly there governments will have no choice but to give it to them”

Superman, I want to introduce you to my kryptonite hammer, and as I bash your brains in with it know that this could’ve been avoided if you’d simply wanted peace more. F*CK YOU! Luthor and Ducky (who was really rather pointless) get whisked away by Superman, who takes Ducky to a boarding school and Luthor back to the quarry, what are they even doing there? Anyway, another flight shot, roll credits.

This movie is gloriously bad. I’ll give it this, it felt more like a Superman movie than Superman 3, it’s tone was more in line with what I’d expect, corny but earnest and of course Gene Hackman excels as both Lex Luthor and the voice of Nuclear Man, for those reasons, I can say I enjoyed it more than Superman 3

But from a technical standpoint, it’s the worst movie of the Superman franchise, by far. Consider that Spaceballs came out in the same year, this is atrociously bad. The blue screen is awful, the props and miniatures look completely out of proportion and the repeated use of flying shots is way too noticeable.

But honestly, some of the stuff is unintentionally hilarious, the bad CG, and the sissy fights, the stupid Great Wall of China repairing bit. Maybe because of all the boring sh*t I’ve watched recently, I’m far more forgiving for this kind of bad.

Unfortunately, there is an element to this that is outright unforgivable in my eyes, the moral. Using Superman to teach morals, I’m OK with that but you need to make sure you research your topic of choice, when you oversimplify a moral, you end up making the message less impactful, and also make it look too easy. And that final line about people wanting piece is outright absurd

This movie comes close to so-bad-its-good territory, but the morals matter and it’s pacing is atrocious. I’d almost recommend checking it out anyway but unfortunately...

This movie gives me rage issues

Rating 5%