#54 Doctor Who - Love and Monsters

So, it’s that time of year again, time to talk about a bad episode of Doctor Who

Russel T Davies ran the show from its revival in 2005 until 2010, where Steven Moffat took over, until now I’ve not covered bad episodes from this era, they’re usually more infamous than the bad Moffat ones, also Russel T Davies is the man who got me into Doctor Who, even with one of the worst episodes of the show, Fear Her.

But that’s not the episode that I’m covering today, today it’s a special kind of bad. The kind of bad I hate beyond all others that, to his credit, Mofatt never did in his tenure. We’ve got a fan allegory! Beyond that, Love and Monsters is one of the most hated episodes of the show. There’s also something else but we’ll get to that in the review. Speaking of which…

We open with running, a random guy who we don’t know has stumbled across the TARDIS, the music makes me believe they want us to care, I don’t. Suddenly Rose shouts and the man runs towards the noise, where we see ‘random filler monster’ yeah, they decided the main monster of the episode only needed to appear in the last 5 minutes.

Before we get to resolution, cut to our lead vloging, so glad he made it out alright. Cue opening titles. Back to the chase, the Doctor distracts the monster with a pork chop because stupid and Rose rushes towards him with a blue bucket. OK, is this like the aliens from Signs where he’s allergic to water? No, because it apparently made things worse, Rose was supposed to not use the blue bucket. I know this isn’t really important but what the f*ck were in those buckets? Were they filled recently or were they stored somewhere in the TARDIS? What was in the blue bucket? Why did the monster react like that to it? Why would any other colour work? Why was the blue bucket made available to Rose? Why didn’t the Doctor just specify a colour if any colour other than blue would work?

Also, Rose, YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Time for a chase scene lifted straight from a Scooby Doo episode, yes, really. Rose finds a red bucket somewhere and the Doctor recognises the random guy we don’t know. Random guy runs away upon this event though and the Doctor seems to end everything in record time because by the time he’s outside, he can hear the TARDIS leaving.

Apparently he’s telling this story at the beginning because it’s a brilliant opening. OK, I usually hate non-linear storytelling but for Doctor Who, I can take it. Of course this entire ‘brilliant opening’ is also entirely meaningless filler that doesn’t contribute to the plot. Also, this entire vloging section is pointless. We see that... Look, his name is Elton, I’m just gonna call him Elton, kay? We see that Elton first met the Doctor when he was standing enigmatically over his mother’s dead body. There is logical conclusion that Elton should be drawing to here. Clearly it was too early to use the too many questions clip. <Deep breath> Why didn’t Elton assume the Doctor murdered his mum? Why didn’t he call the police? If he did what was it he was told to cover it up? Huh? Just 3 questions… next time, episode, which I’m sure won’t be too far away.

Elton is a transport manager at a haulage company or something. This isn’t important and will never be brought up again. He managed to be a part of several episodes from the series, but none of the classics that were cut out in the final draft. Though this doesn’t make him special, since at this point everything big in New Who seems to happen in f*cking London.

Never mind all that though, time for Elton's embarrassing dancing. Thankfully it’s brief. So, Elton was researching the Doctor so hard he blew up his own computer, which I presume he’s replaced because what is he vloging to otherwise. He finds a blog from a woman named Ursula, with the photo of the Doctor from last Christmas, looking no different from when he was in his house.

So, Ursula knows his name is the Doctor somehow and reveals there’s a guy named Mr Skinner and a group of others all studying the Doctor. I think they’re using this to represent a particular type of fan, *sigh* Elton tells Ursula about his history with the Doctor, and they immediately become friends. Elton also joins the group of Doctor obsessed weirdos operating from a basement in a library, remember this, I’ll have a point. (Also, basement of library, great metaphor!)

So, let’s meet some of these group members. Mr Skinner, who thinks the Doctor is a collection of archetypes, of course he is. Bridget, who actually contributes something useful by giving the association of the Doctor and his TARDIS, also for no reason really she comes down from Manchester for these meetings, there’s no Doctor obsessed Cult in Manchester? Who am I kidding, name a Doctor Who episode that takes place in Manchester. Also, Bliss, she’s a sculptor… you f*cking kidding me with this sh*t? And let’s get out of the way the biggest problem of this episode, the humour. If it’s not taking pot-shots at its own fandom, it’s having Jackie be awkward (we’ll get to that) or creepy, or having Elton just embarrass himself, none of this is funny. So the joke about the pretentiousness of this sculpture, doesn’t really work.

They decide to have a name, Elton suggests LInDA London Investigation n Detective Agency, laugh! And what the f*ck does it have to do with the Doctor, sounds like a PI group. So, as time went by (has the group been established for a while? Why did Elton’s arrival spark this?) anyway, so Bridget starts cooking and bringing her food all the way from Manchester, Mr Skinner begins reading bits of his novels and Bliss… nothing about Bliss.

So, apparently Bridget comes down to London every weekend to look for her daughter, who’s missing. Whilst tragic this is also entirely superfluous information because of what’s going to happen in the near future of the episode. So Bliss becomes a terrible musician and some-one forgot to put 50p in the meter is the lights go down. Or else Peter Kay has somehow managed to attain vocal control over the lights. Diamanda Hagan already asked all the questions in her review, so I won’t repeat them here.

Peter Kay plays Victor Kennedy, and well 5 seconds in and you can tell he’s going to be the villain of the episode. So, he’s decided, of potentially thousands of Doctor obsessed groups to go for LInDA, that gathering of 5 people. So because the plot says so he takes full control of the group. We get a retread of the whole Doctor killing his mother bit, so we can understand Elton has heard the TARDIS before.

Victor gives them homework, because he’s slowly transforming the group into a school, I’m not even joking. Also, don’t these people have lives, or something to do during the week? Pretty sure Elton is supposed to be a manager and by god we’re only a third of the way through this episode. For no good reason at all, Victor asks Bliss to stay and thank god the rest of them developed hearing loss so they didn’t hear the sound of her screaming.

So, Victor successfully transforms the room into a classroom, told you I wasn’t kidding. And he claims Bliss is getting married, this attracts no-one’s suspicion. No-one’s. So they find a Police Box and investigate in a pointless and meaningless scene that serves no purpose. Victor is not happy and almost whacks Elton. GUYS, HE IS BLATANTLY EVIL, BE SUSPICIOUS ALREADY! Ursula comes to his aid.

So, now their plan is to find the Doctor through Rose. I didn’t mention earlier, but Victor Kennedy has access to Torchwood files, why are these public? But any files on Rose have been corrupted thanks to something called the Bad Wolf Virus… BULLSH*T! Bad Wolf is a name for Rose when she takes on the TARDIS, she scattered her name in time and space, who created the virus? Why name it Bad Wolf? Who aside from the Doctor knows about Rose being Bad Wolf? Who wanted to delete knowledge of Rose?

Having known Rose has her London accent, Victor orders them to take to the streets and search. Elton is unreasonably lucky all things considered and finds one chatty old woman who knows all about them, including where they live. With an interlude of the embarrassing dancing for no good reason, we cut to Elton spotting Jackie entering the launderette. I don’t like Jackie very much, and this episode is the epiphany of why.

He decides to wash his single shirt in a way that’s not suspicious at all and Jackie does all the work for him because she has a strange and completely inexplicable attraction to him. Also, the joke about the nickers is probably the worst joke in the episode. And this episode is full of bad jokes. So, Jackie is there because her machine is broken, and rather than ask an accredited trades-person or CheckATrade handyman, she literally asks this nitwit to fix it. Turns out, he can, it was a blown fuse or something.

So, Kennedy is pleased and it’s time to go onto step 5, whatever that is. He wants a full plan of attack from all of them but that entire sequence could’ve been cut, the only thing of importance here is having Bridget stay behind so she can die, with the whereabouts of her daughter still a mystery. Also, there’s a hint of romance between her and Mr Skinner.

So, things start going wrong in the Tyler household so Jackie can call him. Doesn’t he have a day job? Jackie gives him wine to convince him to stay over then pours some wine on his shirt to get him to take him to take his shirt off. This is creepy, and the fact that he’s enjoying it makes it even more creepy. Thankfully before it gets much worse, Rose calls and puts Jackie out of the mood. So, instead Elton decides a relationship with Jackie is worth exploring, sorry, you’re supposed to be in love with Ursula, make up your damned mind. OK, it’s more a mates thing but wtf? Anyway, he says he’s going to buy them Pizza.

Unfortunately, he was stupid enough to still have a photo of Rose in his jacket pocket! Jackie discovers it and realises the scam, telling Elton to sling his hook. Also, we get a montage of clips to state what I said earlier, that Elton loves Ursula. I feel like this episode ran short and needed padding, *sigh*.

Right, so they confront Mr Kennedy about how he took over the group and did bullsh*t, Elton tells the others to leave with him, and asks Ursula having a date. Mr Kennedy asks Mr Skinner to stay behind for no f*cking a reason and because REALLY STUPID he agrees. Unfortunately, Elton and Ursula haven’t developed ears and heard the obvious screaming. Instead, it’s because Ursula left her phone behind we find out something that has been painfully obvious since the beginning. Victor Kennedy is a bad guy.

So, Victor Kennedy is some kind of monster that absorbs people and their faces appear on his skin. OK… So, why did none of the victims scream for help when Victor absorbed them earlier? This monster was designed by a kid for a competition for Blue Peter. I’ve mentioned the episode of Teen Titans Go Wally T before (I actually called in Larry T) my view has shifted significantly upon finding out that Wally T was more than just a one-viewer concept and was actually a real person.

And I’m sure the kid is really happy that his concept got used in one of the least liked episodes of the show, an episode that barely features the Doctor, an episode that barely uses the monster until the final third, an episode that had him dawning a cr*ppy human disguise, an episode where his powers make no actual sense, an episode where he has a cr*ppy weakness... I’m getting ahead of myself here. F*ck you Russel!

So, Elton comes up with the name Absorbaloff after a few goes (this constitutes a running joke) and the monster decides to take it because apparently, he didn’t have a name earlier. No offence to the kid, but that is a stupid name, but the way it’s explained, that’s Russel’s stupidity. OK, so to the questions that I have for Russel? It’s certainly implied that everyone he’s absorbed appears on his body. Is it temporary or are those 3 people the only 3 people he’s ever absorbed? Why does he absorb, is it to feed a hunger or gain knowledge? If the latter why absorb the three people who knew the Doctor the least well? If the former, why the f*ck is he seeking out the Doctor? He could have a buffet on everyone in the library, then change back to Kennedy and blend into the panicked crowd. Why do the faces have the ability to talk, and when Ursula is absorbed why does she still have glasses on her face?

Oh and yes, Ursula is absorbed for being stupid, it’s a really sh*t looking effect that makes something that should’ve been terrifying kinda hilarious. So, The Absorbaloff wants to keep a low profile for reasons and decides the best way to do that is to chase down Elton in full view of everyone without even using his Victor Kennedy disguise.

Also, the chase kinda ignores the fact they were in a f*cking basement, to be honest so does the rest of the episode so…

After the shortest chase scene in human history, didn’t even go through a restaurant, that’s like mandatory in a chase scene these days. Elton is corned and time for the Doctor to find him somehow so Rose can have a go at him. Anyone who hates Rose, you've just been handed a crate full of ammo. What a b*tchy thing to do. And we get a repeat of the absorba-joke which wasn’t funny the first time. He’s from the planet Klom, the Twin planet of Rexa… Rexa... The Slitheen home planet.

So, the faces stop the Absorbaloff from killing Elton, somehow. Also, the cane is his weakness and without the cane’s limitation field, the Absorbaloff is absorbed into the ground. What kind of idiot do you take your audience for?! So, the Doctor explains a shadow creature got loose and killed his mother, and it was so important that once the Doctor stopped him, he had to stand enigmatically over her body. Also, because really really stupid, the Doctor decides to trap Ursula in an eternal half-life in a paving slab.

Elton realises that any life around the Doctor comes at a price in what totally isn’t foreshadowing, so he’s dancing around his living room in front of her. Also, blowjob joke. The end!

This episode feels like it was written mostly before they even knew what the monster was, the Absorbaloff could’ve been almost any monster, so long as it could kill people. The LInDA crew were basically the Doctor Who fandom seen by Russel, a group of sad people who need to move on with their life, but it’s all worth it in the end because they see the Doctor. 

The episode is awful, the jokes are awful, the characters are awful, the story is stupid, preachy and boring.

THIS EPISODE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES

Rating 23%