#17 Spider-man Month - Spider-man 2

I don’t want to review this one… But it’s Spider-man month

And it’s time to dig into Spider-man 2, considered by many the best Spider-man film out there (I have no idea what people are on when they watch this film and think that but I’d like some right now!)

OK, a little detail. Just because I’m reviewing this one as a rage review, does not mean I believe it to be the worst. Going into this, I don’t even remember Spider-man 3, agreed by most of the Raimi fanbase to be the worst of the 3  (I have now watched it and yes, it’s terrible, shockingly, see my review of that later this week). I chose to review this one as a rage review, mostly because this happens to be the only one I’d watched prior to the Spider-man month announcement. I’d do rage reviews for all of them but I lack the time, so you’ll have to make do with this one. Besides, when you hear that a film is the greatest but it still turns out to be terrible, yeah, that inspires some rage.

So after the success of the original Spider-man film, Spider-man 2 was announced with the original cast returning, and Sam Raimi continuing to direct. It wasn’t quite as big a success at the box office, not breaking the $800million mark this time. So, is it better than Spider-man 1? Of course it f*cking isn’t, let’s take a look.

We open with actually quite a clever idea, where they recap the events of the previous movie using still frames, allowing those who haven’t watched it to get a basic grasp of the events from the first movie. I like it because it’s clever, which is more than I can say for most of the movie.

Don't expect this level of clever to continue

We open with… Stop with the narrating, it’s unnecessary. So, Peter Parker works at a Pizza joint now and is literally their only delivery driver. An order came in 21 minutes ago and he has to travel 44 blocks in 8 minutes or he’ll be fired. He may as well just walk away now, as there’s no way he can travel 44 blocks in less than 10 minutes.

Naturally Peter tries anyway but when he runs a red light and is diverted he decides then is the best time to web up as Spider-man and swing with the Pizza’s: wait what? He needs both hands to web-sling quickly, not only that, he’s carrying the Pizza’s in broad daylight, making a random guy think he stole them. So erm... How does he even have a secret identity doing this?

He saves some kids idiotically playing with a ball near a road from walking out in front of a lorry (you have to be a special type of stupid for not seeing hearing that coming. And no they’re not blind of deaf, because they can hear Spider-man and respond calling him Spider-man) I am less than 5 minutes into this film and I’ve ranted on 3 plot points already. Help!

He leaves the pizzas on a random guys balcony and he manages to steal a slice (there goes your tip) before spidey can pick them up again. Although he does manage to retrieve it before the guy eats it, I wouldn’t want to eat a Pizza some random guy almost ate. He arrives at the apartment building and changes out of his costume (changing in and out of the costume most likely took most of the 8 minutes) in a broom closet (of course) so of course no-one questions him randomly coming out of one he didn’t walk into. So after hijinks with the brooms, he realises that he’s late. And of course he’s fired.

He’s about to be fired by the Daily Bugle as well (although isn’t he freelance? So… how does that work?) He’s produced a load of photos of landmarks because “Spider-man won’t pose for me anymore, you’ve turned the whole city against him.” Dude, do you really want to be loved by the city so much that you’re going to turn down the only type of photos that could make you money? Anyway, eventually he produces a Spider-man photo and Jameson buys it for the paper. Unfortunately it doesn’t cover the advance he’d been given 2 weeks ago (they give freelancers advances?) so yeah, Peter’s life sucks right now. Next scene.

We cut to Peter’s unnamed college, where he’s missed Doctor Connors’ lecture and has an overdue report. His grades have been slipping, and… OK, we get it, Peter’s life sucks right now, next scene.

He arrives at Aunt May’s house, where it’s revealed that it’s Peter’s birthday, with MJ, Aunt May and Harry waiting to surprise him (wait… We find out later that he doesn’t live there so, so why was he coming? Does he come to see his Aunt every day? Or did she make some excuse to get him here that we didn’t see?) Anyway, he hasn’t been talking much to his friends, since he’s been busy taking pictures of Spider-man and the like. But Aunt May says the less he sees of Spider-man the better (remember this)

So, Harry has been doing research in Nuclear Fusion with the help of Otto Octavius or something, hoping to put Oscorp back on the map. He promises to introduce Peter to Otto. And then there’s some Mary Jane love banter and then some Spider-man stuff. Apparently Aunt May is due to disclose on her mortgage. She is incredibly nonchalant about it but then breaks down missing Uncle Ben, leaving Peter feeling guilty over the events.

Mary Jane waits outside and it’s time for uncomfortably forced love scene #1. Oh, and we find out immediately afterwards that Mary Jane is seeing somebody. Classy. Peter says he’s coming to see the play tomorrow night (using what money?) so Peter comes home, a house share with the Ditkoviches (that a reference to Steve Ditko, although Dickcoviches would be a better anology to them) he take’s Peter’s birthday money as back-payment on his rent, which is overdue. OK, WE GET IT ALREADY, HIS LIFE SUCKS, NEXT SCENE.

Scattered showers with an influx of pointless characters on the horizon

Harry and Peter come to meet Octavius who calls Peter brilliant but lazy based on what Connors had told him. Anyway, intelligence is a gift, bla bla bla and we have a device of sciency stuff that can create a huge amount of power. Peter asks if they can control it but… it’s quickly brushed off (foreshadowing, from a guy who knows literally nothing about the device, smooth) And now they’re having tea with his wife. And personal advice of… bla bla bla bla bla. Next scene!

He does his laundry, but everything is dyed. OK, WE GET IT, HIS LIFE SUCKS, NEXT SCENE!

He prepares himself in a suit for his theatre trip. He buys some flowers and heads to the theatre on his motorbike thing but suddenly he narrowly avoids being hit by a car and his bike is destroyed (couldn’t have just swerved to the side, rather than doing something that would sort of give away your secret identity, might’ve saved you your bike too)

 

License and registration please!

So it’s time for NYPD vs random crooks in car and of course lose and one of their cars is flipped, and the reaction from the crowd when spidey saved them is from one random women “it’s a web” no f*cking sh*t! So Spidey goes after the random crooks. So after destroying half of New York with their guns (seriously) and stretching the possibilities of not great looking CGI, Spidey takes them down. MJ notices Peter not being in the audience and is a little flustered in her performance.

 

Good to see Kirsten Dunst moving up in the world

Peter arrives and the guard, who is a complete d*ck, tells Peter to tie his shoelace and tighten his tie only to tell him he can’t come in. A random woman starts singing the old Spider-man animated series theme tune. She can’t sing or play violin. Peter waits for MJ to come out but then she sees her with her boyfriend and… We get it, his life sucks, next scene.

He changes into Spider-man but suddenly his organic web-shooters stop working, for some reason. He then takes off his mask for some reason, stands at the edge of a building for some reason and finds himself unable to shoot a web (which we already established) so we get hijinks in the elevator instead. I did not need to know about his costume riding his crotch, eww.

So Peter walks past the endless Mary Jane posters, with the ruins of his bike which he’s recovered for some reason. He calls MJ the next morning but forgets to make up an excuse in advance and ends up stumbling on voicemail. He could’ve said that he crashed his bike; it wouldn’t be too far from the truth. The problem is having failed to make an excuse; he goes on to rant or something… Thank god I don’t care. His time is up and I don’t know whether or not he deposits more money but he goes on to try and admit that he’s Spider-man ON A PUBLIC PHONE IN PUBLIC! Thankfully MJ has already left the room.

Nothing can possibly go wrong here!

So we finally get to the turning on of the sciency thing of science. Otto unveils some mechanical arms to assist him. Able to withstand vast temperatures and magnetism they can be controlled by the brain once they’re plugged into his spine. A reporter asks about the AI in the arms. Wait what?! The arms have intelligence (all be it programmed intelligence) of their own? Why is that necessary? If it has intelligence, why is Octavius needed at all? OK, it’s foreshadowing to how they portray Doc Oc in this. Prepare the brick wall.

Not yet, maybe later. So, the demonstration begins and of course it goes wrong, the device begins pulling in everything metal, the system is then warning about an overload. Peter goes to be Spider-man whilst the building is evacuated. Harry stays behind to tell Otto to stop, but Otto’s convinced it will stabilise and won’t listen to reason. His wife falls under some light rubble that she conveniently walks into and Spider-man rescues Harry from a shelf. He tries to pull the plug on the project, but Otto uses his arms to whack him backwards. The sciency thing of science then pulls in some glass that kills his wife somehow (I know glass can be sharp, but murder, really?)

At the very same moment, a burst of energy hits the inhibitor chip that prevents the AI from the taking over his body and Spider-man pulls the plugs, a lot of them. The police arrive, Otto is taken to the paramedics and Harry is being p*ssy about the entire and how his business is probably up the swanny thanks to this. He also hates Spider-man (as if the previous scenes weren’t enough of an indication)

We cut to the hospital, where one of the nurses exposit about what’s wrong with Otto. You know if I were about to perform major surgery I’d want to know about what I’m doing before I entered the theatre. The arms then proceed to kill every doctor in the room as a means of self-defence. And this is rated PG.

Otto wakes up, and does this…

  

He storms out of the hospital and walks to a little abandoned thing in the middle of an amusement park (how convenient). We cut to the next day, where Jonah is pleased about the incident because it’ll sell papers (of course) and they come up with the name Doctor Octopus. He needs Peter to cover a party for his son the astronaut.

OK, we're done here, let's cut to the next scene

Back at the collapsed building. Otto mourns his losses. He realises the inhibitor chip is gone. And of course he’s gone crazy and he’s talking to his arms… This is dumb even by Spider-man standards. At a bank, Aunt May can’t get a loan to refinance her home because of lack of assets and doesn’t get a free toaster because that only comes with a deposit of $300 or more. (Something I really don’t get about banks. Why a free toaster? Why are you spending money on toasters, you’re a bank, not a café)

But (what are the odds) Doc Oc is robbing the same bank and has managed to get to the safe completely unnoticed. HE’S GOT 4 ARMS STICKING OUT OF HIS BACK; HE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB, WHY HASN’T ANYONE SOUNDED THE ALARM BY NOW. Peter leaves his Aunt (our hero) and finally the guards do something, only to be quickly dispatched. He steals the money, and Spider-man arrives, able to fire web-shooters at exactly the time when it’s convenient for the plot.

So a fight ensues and Doc Oc grabs Aunt May. Spider-man confronts him and he drops her, Spider-man grabs her, but rather than lower her safely to the ground, he decides it’s better to fling her up saved only by her convenient umbrella (it’s not even raining, oh, and our hero) oh, Stan Lee cameo. So in some more shockingly bad green screen, Spider-man saves Aunt May and police begin to shoot at Doc Oc, he gets away (shocking right?) And the bags of money appear, having not been there the entire fight.

 

Wow! It really shows how bad Mary Jane is when Aunt May is more useful

So, Spider-man lands with Aunt May and she claims. “Boy have I been wrong about you” yes, there’s this problem with the movie. At the beginning, Aunt May, for reasons that are extremely unclear, although possibly owing to contact with Harry (or possibly he doesn’t want Peter running into danger to take photos of him), doesn’t like Spider-man. Which is fair enough, except when she changes her mind because he saved her, (and I mean completely, she doesn’t even care about Peter running into danger anymore) it makes her seem exceptionally shallow. Like “I don’t like Spider-man, it’s not like he’s ever saved MY life” also look at those citizens that have been turned against him, I almost saw one shake his fist, oh wait he was cheering, just like everyone else!

 

I'm a strong independent white chick, dammit!

So we arrive at the party, where Harry is drinking himself to oblivion and wanting Spidey of course but Peter is busy taking photos and Jameson with anyone and everyone. It’s not even his party, surely he’d want his son in some photos. So we finally see John Jameson and he has Mary Jane on his arm, because everything has to forcefully tie into everything.  MJ is suddenly not with John and it’s time for uncomfortably forced romantic scene #2. Peter, why are you deliberately trying to get romantic with someone who is romantically involved with another man! After she brushes him off (also she says Aunt May, like in the first film, May Parker is not your Aunt!) Harry verbally attacks Peter for not getting Spider-man, despite knowing something about him. Can I see that shot of Peter getting slapped one more time…

Yeah, that was therapeutic. So John announces that Mary Jane and he are getting married, yay… Peter swings away and once again he loses his ability to use his webbing.  Although apparently not the ability to survive falls from a great height, again. “Why is this happening to me?” plot convenience? I think they’re trying to imply that this is a psychological block but that doesn’t work when his powers turn on and off. He tries climbing a wall but slips. He also begins to lose his 20-20 vision.

Meanwhile Oc is using the money stole to continue his work. Peter visits a Doctor, because they’re perfectly capable of answering the questions of why you can’t shoot webs from your fingers and stick to walls.

He talks with ghost Uncle Ben (I have no idea, I’m just going with it, it hurts less that way) and we get the same line again… He decides to give up being Spider-man.  He dumps his costume and leaves. And of course because of this, his life begins to improve: he gets his reports in on time, he’s there for Connors’ lectures and actually gets complimented. He even sees Mary Jane’s play. But in seeing him Mary Jane… gets flustered. You know a good actor doesn’t concentrate on the audience but on the performance.

 

I'm a convenient cameo

And it’s time for uncomfortably forced romantic scene #3. You know, as much as people hate MJ for what she does in the 3 movies. It’s Peter who’s trying here. She’s getting married, get over it! Leave her to happiness, let her decide! ARGH! Seriously Peter, SHUT THE F*CK UP!!! MJ leaves, although acknowledging that Peter has changed (whoopee for him)

At the Daily Bugle, Jonah’s making wedding plans when random guy number 3675 (I’ve seriously lost count of how many random people have roles in this, and I don’t mean background characters) comes along with a bag containing Spider-man’s costume, Jonah is of course happy that he’s won or something.

Then in what I consider amongst the worst moments of the movie. Peter Parker comes across a man in distress, and Peter WALKS AWAY! That is just someone who’s given up. Someone put him out of his misery, it’d be less painful! Peter and Aunt May visit Uncle Ben’s grave, where Aunt May says she blames herself for Uncle Ben’s death, so Peter reveals why he blames himself, and… cut to the next scene? OK…

Oh yeah, Doc Oc is in this movie and he’s almost finished the mark 2 version of the sciency thing of science. But to finish this he needs trinium (that metal that, what a f*cking co-incidence, ONLY Harry Osborn possesses) Harry’s busy looking for Spider-man and is wished goodnight by his Butler, Bernard. He will be our dues ex-machina in the third film. In the mean time he’s erm…

It’s the driest stormy night on record and Doc Oc comes asking for more trinium. Harry will only give it to him in exchange for Spider-man’s capture. He says that Parker can help him find out where it is. Meanwhile the Bugle is reporting that crime is up now Spider-man is out. There’s a burning building in the background and a guy is screaming for help, as there’s a child on the second floor. Unable to help himself, Peter rushes into the burning building and rescues the kid, or maybe the kid rescues him, good god. Peter is commended for his effort but discovers another guy was trapped on the fourth floor and didn’t make it.

Peter is talking to his window when random chick who’s related to the landlord I think suddenly wants to become his love interest. This won’t last. After a chocolate cake and milk date, she finally remembers that she came to delivering a message. Aunt May, rather than defaulting on her mortgage, has decided to sell and move somewhere smaller, so she’s moving out. She’s also completely over anything Peter said, which is fine but I still find her reaction to the news initially a little erm, harsh, if I’m honest. The neighbour asks Peter about Spider-man and Aunt May goes on a rant about Spider-man because she loves him now. F*ck you writers!

 

Alert, the following sequence will be entirely pointless!

So, with that truly inspirational speech. Peter decides he wants to be Spider-man again and tries to gain a strong focus on what he wants (because he so wanted this initially?) Of course this results in him hurting his back and really it should’ve been much worse.

So, the MJ plotline. John tries to encourage MJ to invite Peter to their wedding and they kiss. I kid thee not, this is their only romantic scene together. MJ invites Peter to a café, and… Oh you have got to be kidding me! Uncomfortably force romantic scene #4, where Peter tries to push himself away, and MJ tries to get close (role reversal of the last 2, but equally as annoying for both of them) and then MJ tells him to kiss her? Before that can happen a car crashes into the café and suddenly they’re the only 2 in it, aside from the chef.

 

Yeah, that so looks like a kissing face...

Doc Oc tells Peter to find Spider-man and of course he takes Mary Jane hostage. Because it wouldn’t be a Raimi Spider-man film unless Mary Jane needed rescuing at least once. And with that he suddenly has his spider-powers back. Huzzah. So, at the Daily Bugle, Jonah is lamenting the fact that no-one other than Spidey can stop Doc Oc and rescue his son’s fiancé (blimey, word travels fast) but then the costume on his wall is stolen and he suddenly hates Spider-man again. Goodbye character developed, so happy we wasted you for a cheap laugh.

To his credit, JK Simmons kills it in this role: he’s funny, he carries the right amount of presence, and his rants are believable. The writing not so much.

So Spidey swings after Doc Oc and they fight. They land on a train and it’s a big scene and some of the best CGI in the film, it still holds up, most of it. Doc Oc kills the train driver and accelerates the train toward a dead end, with the breaks on. Spidey's mask is hit by some sparks and has to come off. Spider-man jumps in front of the train and tries to slow it down before it hits a very far away dead end (why do train tracks have these?)

 

Thank heaven, that was the meanest sh*t I've ever sh*t

He fires some webbing at buildings, which eventually slow the train down so they narrowly avoid falling. Spidey faints and is brought inside and not a single person will remember his face or reveal his secret identity, ever. Yeah, f*cking right. A kid gives him back his mask (which is impossible, but…) Otto interrupts once again but the passengers stand in the way, for all of 5 seconds. Spidey is knocked out and brought to Harry. Otto grabs his prize and is soon gone. OK, for the record, that train scene was pretty awesome.

Harry prepares to kill Spidey but decides to unmask him first, revealing that he’s Peter Parker. He easily escapes the bonds. Otto meanwhile has the device ready and MJ chained up, for some reason (you wanted MJ to get Spider-man, you’ve got Spider-man, what do you need her for?). Spider-man arrives and fighting ensues, MJ is freed and is about as useful as always (ie. Utterly useless). Spidey severs the connection with the machine but it has grown too powerful and it beginning to collapse upon itself, attracting cars from across the city. Otto’s arms have burned out, and Otto is back in control. See, it’s his arms that are responsible for everything. That brick wall is very enticing now.

Peter takes off his mask for some reason and talks sense to our wayward Doctor but the arms begin to take control again, until he regains control and tells them to listen to him, he’s talking to his arms. I remind you this is a villain we’re supposed to take seriously. The only way to stop the device now is to drown it and Otto offers to do that himself, whilst Spidey and MJ get out. MJ of course sees that Peter Parker is Spider-man and he rescues her again. And finally admits in plain English that he loves her (whoopee…)

 

It's a web!

So Octavius dies, taking the mkII sciency thing of science with him. Uncomfortably forced romantic scene #5 over with, the police arrive with John, as Spider-man looks on. (He really should leave as there are dozens of policemen and he wasn’t wearing a mask that scene) Harry is left feeling conflicted knowing his best friend and worst enemy are one of the same, fortunately the ghost of his father (I don’t know, I’m just going with it) guides him to becoming the mark II Green Goblin

It’s the day of the wedding and Mary Jane… Runs away to be with Peter, what a f*cking load! And what a f*cking b*tch! OK bla bla bla roll f*cking credits.

Here comes the bride, all b*tch-ifed. What a waste of screentime her other boyfriend turned out to be
Somehow they made it worse, in Spider-man 3, I didn't even know that was a possibility

THIS MOVIE GIVES ME RAGE ISSUES!

I’ll admit, aside from the awful final moments with Mary Jane, the third act is actually pretty strong but the first and second act are a joke. Things take forever to get going and when they finally do get going they try and make a villain who should be interesting in his own right a villain who is not responsible for his own actions, just like the last one. And it’s hard to take him seriously when he talks to his arms (and I mean the arms imitating mouth movements)

Peter Parker and Mary Jane have little to no chemistry as a couple, and John Jameson barely gets any screen time, so it’s hard to examine his relationship with MJ.

I don't want to be in any sequels to this sh*t, suicide it is

Peter losing his powers makes no sense; I assume they were going for some psychological block. But Peter’s powers aren’t mentally defined. They are as a result of something in his bloodstream. It didn’t suddenly leave his blood because he lost willpower and didn’t magically come back because he gained it. It’s just something that aides to him giving up being Spider-man…

Peter Parker is a jerk through most of the movie and it’s difficult to sympathise with his character through his ordeals. This problem is even more prominent in 3 with Emo Peter, but still present here.

Harry Osborn’s plot is a bit of a slow-burner. This was all set up for Spider-man 3 when he’d become Green Goblin. The only thing of importance that happened was him discovering Peter’s identity.

OK, this scene is awesome

Otto Octavius is badly portrayed here (by writing, not by the actor, who’s pretty decent), I’ve already claimed my dislike of the idea of him talking to his arms, but it’s more than that. His plan is to create exactly the same device he created before but bigger… colour me disappointed on that front.

But the worst bit of course if MJ’s arc. She has romantic scenes where she brushes off Peter’s advances, a few moments of weakness, she gets captured (I know, what a shock) and she finds out the truth. Then leaves her groom to be at the f*cking altar! How much of a b*tch do you have to be to do that. And for what, was he not a great kisser? Why is it only the strong, less irritating women that get killed by the Green Goblin? And you know what, suddenly even the deal with Mephisto sounds slightly appealing.

Rage Rating 80%

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Images/clips used in this review are from Spider-man 2 and Star Wars Episode III and belong to their respective owners. All images/clips in this review are subject to fair use.