Spider-man Month - Mini review: Spider-man 3

Oh boy, Spider-man 3, considered by most fans to be the worst of the trilogy. Great… In case you haven’t been reading my previous reviews, here’s what I think of the first 2: THEY BOTH SUCKED!

Hammy dialogue, an unlikeable protagonist with an even less likeable love interest, a shallow aunt and a range of iconic if still 1-dimensional supporting characters. Hell, Harry Osborn is thus far the most interesting character of the 2 movies and he’s being set up to become the THIRD SCHITZOPHRENIC VILLAIN OF THE SERIES! Seriously, if you cut out most of the filler, the FIRST TWO MOVIES ARE BASICALLY THE SAME PLOT! Science creates a villain, Peter Parker struggles with his powers, his social life sucks, he flirts with Mary Jane and she gets kidnapped a lot and the villain kills himself and has a change of heart at the last minute. So, with that in mind, I’ve come prepared for Spider-man 3 with plenty of alcohol… I have a feeling I will need it

So, the fight #1 with Harry and Peter looks terrible. They fight in the open, without masks it’s amazing no-one noticed (although there’s another scene where he’s unmasked in broad daylight with a million of his fans within seeing distance) but it ends with convenient memory loss, and even more convenient memory regain

Mary Jane is awful, and I don’t know why I’m surprised at this point. She doesn’t reveal to Peter about her being fired (although, to be fair, he was being a jerk too) she kisses Harry, then does the stupid thing and breaks up with Peter to save his life or something…

OK, can someone tell me why Ursula Ditkovich is in this trilogy? She’s a pointless love interest for Peter to abuse when he’s under the control of the symbiote. Also, why is Gwen Stacey in this movie, she’s a pointless love interest for Peter to abuse whilst under the control of the symbiote and give Spider-man to key to the city for some reason (you’d think if you were getting the key to the city, you’d be given it by someone at least mildly important, like the mayor, or… Not random science major/model) [I know that she was also Eddie’s girlfriend, but only because he said so]

You know, my next Spider-man review is retrospective on The Spectacular Spider-man. They didn’t exactly devote a lot of time to the venom arc; in fact at 4 episodes, it’s less time than this movie… And it still comes out 200 times better (sure you can argue Spectacular had time to set things up better, but this had 2 movies prior, which is still more time than Spectacular had (9 episodes – about 3 hours compared to 4 in the movies)

So Peter Parker + Venom = Even Bigger Douchebag. Make it stop!  Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!! Oh finally it stopped! So, Eddie prays to God to kill Spider-man, because that’s totally how that works… Yeah, Eddie can’t be religious, can he? And all because he’s a cheat and Peter exposed him and took his girlfriend that he shared one scene with, what a shallow pathetic excuse for a human being.

You really don’t see why Peter decides to keep the suit, you don’t see how it benefits him, partly because of the aforementioned issues with his organic web-shooters. In spectacular, an advantage of the suit was that he didn’t need web-shooters as the suit did the work and to a better standard.

And the climax: Mary Jane is held hostage AGAIN!!! Who does Spider-man call for help? Why, the same guy who in the last encounter he blew up his face, smart. Then of course, it’s time for butler-ex machina. You know when the best time to have come clean was, near the beginning of the second movie!

Why even have the venom costume if you’re going to peel back the mask for every f*cking line, and even then why not have a voice that sounds somewhat threatening? And a couple of rockets defeat Sand-man, seriously? Also Harry ends up changing sides and dies, are you surprised by this point? Then venom dies: shocker… All we need now is for Sandman to die… Thankfully we already tried that half-way through the movie and it didn’t work.

Sandman reveals to Peter his sob-story about his daughter, which would be far more effective if he didn’t spend the last scene trying to kill him. But Peter forgives him? What? Oh, it was an accident that he killed Uncle Ben, perfect. So Sandman gets away (our hero) and we have a funeral, then our happy ending with Peter and Mary Jane making up. And finally I can put this god-awful trilogy to rest.

This movie sucks; the whole Raimi trilogy sucks. Do I really need to explain why (again)? OK, there is some good. JK Simmons kills it as J Jonah Jameson, even if he’s just comic relief. But if you wanna see what Spider-man is like done right (at least from a story-telling perspective, if not from a comic book adaptation) join me soon as I look at the Spectacular Spider-man.

Rating 10/100

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Images used in this review are from Spider-man 3 and belong to their respective owners. All images in this review are subject to fair use.